July 29, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-6: Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-6: Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? Now you might be asking “Where is the Wheel Of Corruption”? Well, that’s one of those things that is meant for a live audience and we’ll bring it back when we can have live audiences again. But since we’re stuck at home it would be impossible to put the wheel and all its’ various controls and setup is not meant for a home audience, it is currently lying dormant in a large warehouse next to the Arc Of The Covenant. But it will be back, that is one thing we can assure you! And we might feature some clips of religious conservatives saying and doing stupid things from time to time. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Man we are so bored right now that the news is literally repeating itself, and how do I know this? Because way back in Idiots #3-8, I reported on the creepy clown motel in Tonopah, Nevada. Well, this hotel is back in the news because since COVID has made people afraid to fly on planes right now, people are talking about bringing back a long lost American tradition - the road trip. And what better road trip than to relieve something that looks like it could be stolen out of a horror movie? Well come on it’s a creepy clown hotel that’s located right next to a cemetery! What’s creepier than that? Hey kids, you want to see a dead body? Well, COVID might take care of that one but I’m not touching that one with a 10 foot pole. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first, John Oliver is back and he delves into some actual human trafficking in China, and well, it’s more horrifying than you could ever possibly imagine:



Where do we begin this week? Another crappy week under COVID, of course. But in the #1 slot this week is the DOJ (1)! Yes, Trump’s DOJ has employed a secret police to Portland and is actively rounding up citizens. This is the government that your creepy, conspiracy theory loving uncle has been warning you about this whole time! Taking the second slot this week is of course the guy who we inexplicably still call president, Donald J. Trump (2), and he went on Fox News and took a cognitive test, and subsequently proved that he is a literal conservative idiot! At slot #3, is Kanye West (3), and he has lost his shit big time in his “run” for president, even though we know it’s secretly a plot to plug his new album which drops next week! Taking the 4th slot this week, is the Maskholes (4), and what is happening in the beach community of Newport Beach? I think the Sheriff Of Malibu might want to have a word with these idiots! Taking the 5th slot this week is of course our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re going to update you on the latest on COVID vaccines and treatments – and answer the question “when can we get back to normality?” Hopefully sooner than later! Taking the sixth slot this week, is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, speaking of COVID, our resident pastor is going to present to you some churches attempting to make their own miracle cures for this dreaded virus! Don’t drink the Kool-Aid! At slot #7, is a new edition of “People Who Somehow Got Elected” and this week, after making some absolutely hideous comments about schools reopening, we’re going to add Missouri governor Mike Parson (7) to our ever-growing list! Taking the 8th slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8), and this week, after Q Anon fans targeted home furniture manufacturer Wayfair in their sex trafficking scheme, Twitter has finally announced that they’ve had enough! Break out the tin foil hats! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” (9), and we welcome the return of baseball (sort of) but one team is noticeably absent from the season – the Toronto Blue Jays! Our friends to the north are nowhere to be found and we will get drunk and get to the bottom of this mystery! Finally this week, is our Road To The White House (10) coverage, and this week former president Obama sits down with future president Joe Biden, and we will bring you the highlights! Man, I miss presidents who could speak in complete sentences! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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So in case you’re wondering what some good old fashioned iron-fist style autocracy will look like when it comes to the United States Of America, well guess what? It’s already here! Because we got a glimpse of what it would look like in Portland last week. See, the protest zone in downtown Portland is only two blocks long and two blocks wide. But if you saw Fox News last week you’d think the whole damn city was burning down and that the Taliban was taking over! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! We’re all gonna die by protestors!!! Well maybe not really, but while the rest of us are staring in horror, here’s the real shit that went down that Fox won’t tell you.





Yeah so picture it like the USSR returning and that’s what you get. But the truth is even more frightening about what Trump and his cabal are doing. Unfortunately we won’t get to cover the Barr hearings until next week but definitely stay tuned for that! But that was just a preview, think of it like the sneak trailer because we don’t have movie theaters right now, so no trailers. That was just a taste. The real festivities will be going nationwide!





Hey clean that up! But the shit is definitely about to hit the fan, my friends! Oh yes. We haven’t seen anything yet. Right now it’s contained to a two by two block radius in downtown Portland. But it will be coming to a city near you. Imagine this being deployed in Seattle, San Diego, Los Angeles, Denver, Dallas, Miami, Washington DC, New York City… Trump could do some serious damage here. And he’s not done yet!





Yeah the real Doomsday Device is currently sitting at the Resolute Desk inside the Oval Office at the White House. That’s another joke that would kill in front of a live audience! So our president is currently sitting on the batshit level somewhere between spy movie supervillain and supreme overlord of the entire universe. He wants to be there. But he’s barely an Ernest Stavo Blofeld. Hell, he’s barely even Dr. Evil yet, but you know that he wants to be!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Oh my fucking god. This man is the current leader of the free world. I’m too embarrassed to even begin to comprehend this segment. You know what? Let’s roll the damn tape.



That guy is our current president. That guy. The guy who thought drinking a glass of water was a test of coherence now thinks that being able to name five things is a test of cognitive ability. Well guess what, jack? We can name five things too! How about jackass, idiot, asshole, douchebag, jerkoff? See that’s the kind of joke that would kill in front of a live audience right now! Man, I miss live audiences. But really I think Trump might be losing it. If this is what he thinks is a good thing, I would really hate to picture what he thinks is a bad thing.





Seriously, MI-6 had better cognitive tests than that! I mean this whole thing is certifiably insane. So one minute, President Stable Genius goes on one of the most unhinged rants you’ve ever heard in your entire life. And the next minute? Well he’s claiming that nobody likes him and that Dr. Fauci has a higher popularity rating than he does! Hey, that’s why you were given the test, dipshit!





Well, President Simple Jack does have one point – if you want to see the test of one’s cognitive ability don’t look at popularity ratings, look at how well it can form a password. Because the strength of one’s password can count as an IQ test. So could he have been trying to remember his password or was it something else? I mean come on, even President Skroob in Spaceballs could remember a 5 digit suitcase combination!





Yeah really! By the way if you want a real test of one’s cognitive ability, why don’t you just take a good look at the people who they call “experts”. Because you know that Trump is going all in on his bullshit hydroxychloroquine “cure” for COVID-19, despite the fact that it’s been dangerously unproven by the FDA and AMA. But if these are the “experts” then who are the idiots? And don’t think I won’t tear into this in full next week!






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[font size="8"]Kanye West
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Speaking of absolutely batshit crazy, mentally unwell people, I don’t know about this one, do we continue shaming Kanye for his bizarre run for president when we’re less than 100 days out from the real, actual election or do we get him the help that he so desperately needs? I think we still need to shame him. So he failed to get on the ballot in South Carolina, one of the last states that still needs to have their presidential primary, which was pushed back because of the current COVID crisis. But it appears that batshit crazy billionaires are a special breed, since they seem to only interact with each other and not the general public. But should Kanye just postpone until 2024? Yeah probably!





Uh… you sure about that Kanye? This hasn’t exactly been what one would call a “great year” by any stretch of the imagination! Hell, it hasn’t even been a mediocre year! But do we really need an unstable narcissist like Kanye becoming commander in chief? Would he be any better than the one we have in office currently? No. Fuck I need a boring leader to come back! Please, Kanye please!





Well there’s two things from 2020 that I want to go away permanently – Coronavirus and Kanye’s presidential campaign. So you might be asking, why the hell is he doing this? And as long as this is going to be a thing we are going to keep covering it! In fact Kanye is so serious that he’s already on the ballot in five states. I wish I were making this up. Fuck why can’t I time travel out of this year?





Not sure about that one there, slick. Because here’s the one underlying issue why you shouldn’t vote for a fringe candidate like Kanye. Not only would it make Kim Kardashian our first lady, he is batshit fucking insane. And he’s got some serious issues. That’s not the kind of guy who we want leading the free world right now. Especially in a time of crisis like we’re currently dealing with.






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[font size="8"]The Maskhole Files
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Holy shit, people! How hard is it to wear a god damn mask in the middle of the worst pandemic in a century? These people have lost their fucking minds. Look, we all want some kind of normal in this weird pandemic world that has been unleashed upon us. No one likes this socially distant hell that we’ve been forced to endure since the Coronavirus outbreak. But people just don’t seem to fucking get what dire straights that we are in. Take for instance a beach town that is not too far from my own – Huntington Beach. God damn motherfucking Huntington Beach. Why have you become the symbol of mask tyranny during the Great Pandemic?





Seriously where is the Sheriff of Malibu when you need him? Maybe that’s not in his jurisdiction? But anyway here’s what is coming next. There’s a lot of Maskholes out there and remember in a pandemic, one with an extremely contagious disease at that, everything – even the most banal, mundane tasks that would otherwise not be a problem - becomes a life or death situation. And by the way who is more likely to refuse to wear masks? Well it’s pretty obvious.





Of course that’s pretty obvious. In fact we might do a feature where we ask for your personal stories of Maskholes out in the wild. But in a pandemic with a highly contagious disease, you’re not just putting yourself in danger when you venture out in public, you’re putting everyone they come across in danger, and you’re putting everyone those people come across in danger. It’s exponential math. But even Wal-Mart is taking precautions now. Wal-Mart! Well… sort of.





Really, I had no idea that Homer was a Wal-Mart greeter. Next he might be a buyer for Amazon because you know that’s how they roll. But if you do encounter people who refuse to wear masks in public don’t be an asshole. That’s not a good look. Because if it backfires on you, then you’re the asshole. And I’ve said time and time again that shaming and doxing is never a good idea, no matter what the situation – it’s a two way street!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Vaccine Latest
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It's time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



As the 2020 Coronavirus pandemic rages on and ravages North America and the rest of the world, people are wondering when we will be able to have treatments and cures available that will combat this virus and we can get on with our lives? Well, there’s several scenarios that can happen and we will even discuss what happens if there’s no vaccine found that can cure this thing. One of the biggest vaccine trials is happening at the University Of Oxford. That’s of course in England. There, they have developed what is probably the most advanced vaccine for COVID that is known around the world right now and it is entering the proverbial phase 3 of its’ human trials. So how does that work? And what has to happen for the vaccine to be approved ? There are many possibilities.





Wherever these wonderful drugs are, we need them! Because everyone wants to get back to the lives we had before this nightmare pandemic started and the bizarre world that we live in right now has become to disappear. So even if a vaccine is created and it’s proven to be successful in combating COVID, then who gets it first? Where are the priorities? Well, again that is also something that could play out in a number of different ways.





Yes, it could be contraband. Getting doses of a vaccine could be the kind of thing that starts wars if we’re not careful about distribution. So while the UK is working on the vaccine that could possibly save the world from the dreaded COVID-19 virus, what about efforts on North American soil? The promising vaccines from Johnson & Johnson and Moderna are not to be forgotten though.





Yes, there is a Simpsons GIF for everything. But every government on earth is scrambling to find answers as it has literally affected every government on earth, and 2020 is considered to be a year lost to a major pandemic – one we haven’t seen in an entire century. So how do you get involved? What’s there out there for you? The answer might lie in Houston, where they are looking for 5,000 volunteers for a new COVID vaccine.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know this pandemic has meant that we cannot bring you the full and proper Holy Shit that you deserve, but we will as soon as we can! Until then, don’t fall for bullshit! And yes, we are allowed to swear in my church! Everyone wants answers and cures for the dreaded virus that is plaguing the landscape. And I do too! No one wants it more than me! But there are some that are determined to make a dollar off the pandemic, and that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now, is it? Of course not! Can I get an amen? Like for instance, don’t take bleach! That’s not exactly what it says on the bottle! And it’s not intended for that purpose! But some on the other hand don’t see it that way, and they are certifiably EVIL!





Of course he does! But really in the form of those ultra-far right preachers who are preying off the less fortunate! Because that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want. And bleach isn’t the only cure being peddled by these purveyors of bullshit. There was one leader in the state of Florida (obviously) that took the idea of selling a miracle bleach-based cure to the next level! And really, don’t try this at home kids! Or don’t try it anywhere!





Was there a Los Pollos Hermanos involved in this one? Yes, I get that reference! But you know what people? If your church is hawking a cure that you might think is bullshit? Guess what? It most likely is bullshit. The only cures that we should be allowing are ones based on actual science. And we support science in my church! But really, don’t take anything unless you read about it first. I mean come on we have access to this thing called Google.





You shouldn’t do that with bleach either! But you know who above all else you should never, under any circumstances listen to? The unholy, ungodly Dark One whose name shall not be mentioned in my church! For he is not a smart man, and he is definitely not a wise man! His ideas are not sound, and you should never try any of the things that he suggests at home, or anywhere. They are bad ideas and not something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would approve of!





So fake huckster preachers selling fake cures, what else do you need to know? If it’s bullshit, it’s most likely 99% a big steaming pile of it! Virtual mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Mike Parson
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week, Missouri Governor Mike Parson. Here’s the thing, we are all looking for some resemblance of normal life to resume during the deadliest pandemic in over a century. But that line of thinking has switched to schools. How do you safely open schools up back to where kids, high school, and college students can learn and interact with each other safely? School districts across the country are scrambling to find answers to these questions. And then there’s Missouri’s republican (obviously) governor who’s come up with an absolutely draconian response to the burning questions that are on everybody’s mind.





Yes, in a time when teachers and students alike are preparing their wills and preparing their worst case scenarios during this virus catastrophe, Gov. Parson has literally the wrong answer to the question that is on everyone’s mind. But just how bad can things possibly get in the Show Me State? Well, let’s never mind that St. Louis just posted a record high number of cases. Seriously, Mr. Parson might want to see what’s going on in his state before he makes an assumption like that.





So the state has a record number of cases and Mike Parson wants to open schools anyway. How could that possibly go wrong you might ask? Well, the masks and temperature taking are providing a lot of security theater for the virus, but if you let your guard down for one second, the slightest slip up could make things go really south really fast. But Coronavirus isn’t the only problem plaguing Missouri at the moment. Remember the husband and wife team who were brandishing guns at protestors? They haven’t been forgotten.





So there’s Coronavirus and the McCloskeys. Both extremely terrible problems for a state to have. But as unhinged as Mike Parson is, is he really the guy who needs to be leading the Show Me State at this trying time? Well, no. Especially when they have to clarify the comments and they’re even worse than what the original statement is. Just remember, when it’s time to elect your next governor, do your research!





So Coronavirus and gun toting maniacs are both plagues in your state, that’s Missouri governor Mike Parson, yet another one to add to the ever growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable! It’s Conspiracy Corner! Oh hello, I am broadcasting the inner most thoughts from deep inside my brain from an underground bunker in the vast cornfields of the rural Iowa farmlands! Of course it’s an undisclosed location! Just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government blockage. They are trying to read my thoughts and your thoughts after all. So this week, an extra dose of crazy happened as Trump’s favorite cult Q Anon attempted to dig up some dirt on furniture purveyor Wayfair, and not only did it backfire on them spectacularly, they have lost one of their biggest social media hangouts where they can wreak their brand of conspiracy theory havoc!





Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Put a warning label on that one! But seriously, Q Anon has gone full batshit, and in a world where we currently don’t have anything to do, can we at least get something to do for the Q Anon nuts? Because they clearly need a hobby, and this one ain’t it. So who started this insane conspiracy theory? And why are they so convinced? Yeah right now we’re trying to survive a horrible pandemic and retailers might be going a little overboard with price gouging, but not this.





Well I guess that’s one way to go furniture shopping right now! But yeah sure, buy a $17,000 desk and it contains a… child? How did that one get past the loading docks? Really, these people are fucking batshit crazy, and they really need to find a hobby. But you know what is not to be done? Don’t overload the national child sex trafficking hotline with bullshit conspiracy theories, OK? This is a fake crisis, don’t make it a real one!





Yes, we get it, this is one of the worst crimes imaginable. But why the fuck are you so obsessed with it right now? I get that we don’t have anything to do. Really, don’t waste Wayfair’s time, and don’t waste the time of actual officials who are trying to find real sex traffickers. And by the way this can have some real world consequences for you if you get caught trying to do this. So really, shut the fuck up and keep the batshit insanity to yourself.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone I could really use a drink right now!



So of course you know by now that the idea of this segment is that we cocktail and while we cocktail we talk about anything in the world that does not relate to politics. Of course in a world right now where there’s nothing to do thanks to Coronavirus, there’s really not much to talk about other than these two things. But last I checked we still had a baseball season right? But one mystery still dumbfounds me about this season. So tell me oh virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about the Toronto Blue Jays? A bottle of Crown Royale? OK fine that’s what I got for this bit. So of course the Blue Jays are the only team that doesn’t have a home for the 2020 season because, coronavirus. And Canada. Well it’s turned into quite the shit show as you can imagine.





So the Blue Jays have no home or no country right now and they are currently what one might call in limbo, and it’s not a good situation. But really, are we still sure that there might be a baseball season this year? Hell there may not be one after the end of this segment. I just need a few more bottles of this so I can time travel out of this year and into next. So if Toronto isn’t a possibility, and Pittsburgh is a definite no, where else could they go?





I don’t think that I am drinking fast enough because the 2020 baseball season still exists. But it looks like as of right now they’re playing in Buffalo, New York for the time being. Although… does the 2020 season still exist? I’m being told yes. And the Blue Jays aren’t the only ones who are wading through the coronavirus disaster of 2020. The rest of the other teams might have to call it a day too. And we’re only one week into the season.





Now if we’re comparing this season to 1918, the last time we had a pandemic of this magnitude that fucked up life as we knew it, the 1918 baseball season only lasted until September before they had to call it a year, but they did inexplicably have a World Series. Will this season make it that long? Maybe as long as it will take me to finish this bottle of Crowne. But for now the season is on very thin ice.






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our coverage of the mother of all elections! Yes, we are counting down the days until the 2020 election. And in case you’re lost in all the craziness of the news right now, where it’s just a constant, never-ending stream of dark shit, we have less than 100 days and we need to get this going, people! We are on the home stretch. And it’s time to unseat Trump once and for all and make him a one term president. And how do we do that you might ask? Well for one thing uniting the party and setting aside all the bullshit is what will do it. I really want to talk about some good news this week because for the most part, the news is all bad. But this week, Joe Biden sat down with former president Barack Obama for a one on one interview and it was great.





I don’t know about you, but I miss having a president who speaks in complete sentences, pronounces words correctly, and oh yeah, isn’t a raging asshole! And I don’t know about you all, but in a world where the news is literally all bad all the time, this is something good that is happening! Like I said, I am tired of all the bad news and wanted to talk about good things. They even slammed Trump’s mishandling of COVID.





Maybe calling people “Beardo” isn’t the way to get votes. But even they get it – it’s almost like Trump tries to come up with the absolute worst response to everything. My personal favorite thing about the entire Trump administration is the underlying irony that Trump can relate to the common man. But guess what? The guy literally lives in a gold and ivory tower! He does not relate to you or me!





Maybe that’s why so many Americans can’t vote – they can’t fit in the damn booths! But what lies ahead for America after enduring the worst pandemic in an entire century? Well, for one thing the rebuilding process is going to be long and difficult. At least with competent leadership at the helm, we will be able to remake America. Or we can have four more years of this. I know which one I would choose! And keep in mind that someone terrible could win (Trump)!








See you next week!

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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burban, CA
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July 22, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-5: Beans, Beans The Musical Fruit Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-5: Beans, Beans The Musical Fruit Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? Yeah unfortunately we got shut down again here in California because of this god forsaken virus so we’re being forced to do yet another home edition. Sigh, one day we will be able to venture out in public again but we are sitting here stirring in our own juices until then. Yeah, just go ahead and picture that mentally. OK so while there’s no new good or fun news to report about for the foreseeable future, I got to talk about a kid who’s way more badass than I am. Bridger Walker is a 6 year old from Cheyenne, Wyoming. And his 4 year sister was about to be mauled by a dog, and he stepped in front of that dog and endured the attack while his sister got away unscathed. He endured some 90 stitches at the hospital after the attack was done. But what makes him really bad ass? He said he’d gladly do it again! Well, this got the attention of Captain America himself, Chris Evans. Who really could be a real life Captain America / Steve Rogers. He posted an encouraging video message for Bridger and made him an official Captain America. Now how cool is that? I got to admit that kid is way more braver than I am, and I could see him… yeah SON!! Just don’t!! OK we got a lot of idiocy to get to this week, but first John Oliver is back and he delves into the more ridiculous side of COVID – the conspiracy theories, and they are out there and plentiful:



Ed. Note: Unfortunately we will not be able to cover what’s going on in Portland because that happened while we were putting together this week’s edition, but we will go head first next week!

Sigh another week under this shitty virus and I don’t see it getting better any time soon. So where do we begin this week? Taking the top spot this week is the real 45th president of the United States, Vladimir Putin (1). So Russia got caught attempting to steal vaccine research, and well, none of it is particularly good and could be extremely dangerous. The second slot of course goes to Donald J. Trump (2). His endorsement of the Mexican food brand Goya is getting some very controversial remarks, and let’s just call Trump a pandejo and get it over with! In the third slot this week, is our old buddy Kanye West (3), and while we were off he announced he was running for president, then quickly retreated when people told him what a bad idea this was, lasting approximately 1 Scaramucci! In the fourth slot this week is the Anti-Maskers, or as we’re calling them Maskholes (4), and they are stepping up their game from canceling meetings to throwing things at supermarket clerks, whew, it’s crazy. Taking the 5th slot this week is of course our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week, another unwelcome visitor is coming back – the Black Plague! Really, Mother Nature is determined to get rid of us right now. In the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and after a number of right-wing pastors have made the claim that Obama is Satan’s Greatest Human Proxy, our resident pastor will offer a different theory! In the 7th slot this week, we have a new Beating A Dead Horse (7), and controversial country music group Lady Antebellum announced they are dropping the “Antebellum” from their name and going with “Lady A”, but who is the rightful owner of the stage name Lady A? It’s a circular firing squad as old as time for sure! In slot #8, after racist monuments and statues are getting pulled from public spots all over the country, we have to ask how the original monument to racism and the Klan – Georgia’s Stone Mountain, “How Is This Still A Thing?”, the answer might surprise you! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week, in Joe Biden’s Road To The White House (10), we have the classic Goofus & Gallant scenario as to how each candidate is handling the COVID crisis, and do what one guy does, don’t do what the other one does! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
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We need some music for this one:



Yeah! Look, look, look. Everyone wants to know when this nightmare is going to be over and when we can get back to living our lives like we planned before the pandemic. And while the world is searching for cures and vaccines to end the nightmare, there’s one guy who is attempting to steal it all for himself. I’m of course talking about the 45th president of the United States, Vladimir Putin. So, in a “please disperse, nothing to see here” moment, let’s take a look at the current timeline of events after Russia got caught stealing. Cue Jane’s Addiction.





Yeah that’s pretty much what it is like right now. So how did Russia get caught? And who are they going after? Well it’s no secret that AstraZeneca is clearly the front runner in a race to find a cure for this wretched virus that has absolutely wrecked and destroyed our way of life. So do they go after the University of Oxford? Or do they put their eggs in more than one basket?





There’s a lot of that going around these days! But of course Russia is going to deny that this is happening, because that’s what happens when you live in a world where one side is constantly blaming the other side for their own faults. But just remember since this edition is all about poop-themed nursery school rhymes, because you knew it would be, just remember this – he who denied it, supplied it!





Yeah probably. I mean can we stop pretending like Russia are the good guys here? They’ve always been the bad guys, and during this pandemic, they’ve proven to be even worse guys with the number of cases trailing at just #3, behind the US and Brazil. But yeah, maybe this will be enough to get Mother Russia denounced from the rest of the world? I would certainly hope so! But all AstraZeneca seems to care about is money, so…






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Donald Trump is the Krusty The Klown of presidents. You can find him all over the TV, he once hosted a show that got progressively worse as it went on, and he’s hawked a ton of incredibly poor quality merchandise over the years, to varying degrees of success. Not to mention he lives in a giant house with his name on it, and flies around in a jet with his name on it. But the difference – Krusty isn’t the one who is the leader of the free world! And of course, Trump’s true goal is not being president of the United States, but selling out. So why should we be surprised when he hawks products while he’s sitting in the Oval Office? He’s already hawked My Pillow numerous times, but now we can add Goya Mexican Foods to the list.





Seriously, you know the series finale is coming up when the characters start hawking products on the show! Beans, beans, the musical fruit! The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel! Let’s have beans for every meal! That joke would have killed in front of a live audience by the way. I miss live audiences. But getting back on topic, it seems Ivanka is hawking products too, and why not? This is 2020, yo!





Ethics. Trump keeps using that word, I do not think it means what he thinks it means. So why is this so controversial? Because Trump just opened up a whole new can of worms turning the Resolute Desk into a Price Is Right game. So what’s the boycott really about? It’s not just about buying one brand of canned beans over the other, it’s about politics and privilege. Just ask real Latino folks!





Don’t buy that device, it will cause severe burns! And by the way if you pick sides in this battle, if your neighbor has a can of Goya beans in their cupboard, could be trouble. And if you side with an increasingly unpopular president, be prepared for the backlash, because it can sink your popularity faster than Superman can leap a 30 story building. Even if it sounds seemingly innocent.






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[font size="8"]Kanye West
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So is this a case of art imitating life, or life imitating art? Either way, if the life of Kanye West were a sitcom, which it most certainly could be, the episode where he decides to run for president could be considered one of the best of the series. Or it could also be the one where Kanye quite literally jumps the shark. My guess is that it’s more the latter than the former. Because Kanye running for president is quite literally batshit insane. And he’s certainly more unstable than Trump is. Really in the worst pandemic in a century, this is quite literally the last thing we need right now is these two guys duking it out. And we need a real leader to lead us out of this pandemic and economic crisis. So would any sane, rational person vote for Kanye?





Yeah that’s kind of what it sounds like, but is Kanye’s approach to running for president a real thing or is it just a promotional stunt? Like what would cause someone to choose Kanye over voting for Trump or voting for Biden? Well, I also ask what would cause someone to choose Trump? Well, for one thing, sane, logical campaign promises like this are the reason why.





OK, Kanye! We get it, you’re not a fish stick! You’re a genius! But those sound like perfectly logical, campaign promises. And I could totally see people taking advantage of the million dollars per kid that Kanye is promising. Remember that Futurama where Bender adopts an entire orphanage to take advantage of tax breaks? Yeah it’s kind of like that. But then here’s where the whole thing really jumps the shark.





Now that is jumping the shark! But yeah do we need a paranoid conspiracy theorist who reads way too much into bullshit to be the president of the United States? Wait a minute, that sounds like our president right now! Do we have a president who is making some absolutely batshit crazy campaign promises that he’ll never deliver on? Wait, that sounds like right now. Do we need… yeah I am not going to answer that question, because it sounds like right now!






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[font size="8"]The Maskholes
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Before we get into the heart of this entry, I have to play this video that’s been going around Youtube because it is brilliant:



And that’s why we’re not going back to normal anytime soon. But as long as Coronavirus is still a thing, we have to talk about the people who have come to be known as the Maskhole. And I define the term “Maskhole” as an asshole who refuses to wear a mask, gets called out on it, and then goes absolutely apeshit. And there have been hundreds of these kinds of stories lately. So many that we could do an entire edition devoted to the Maskhole, but we don’t have that kind of time! We also had a graphic and intro to go with this segment, but our censors rejected it. So what defines a Maskhole? Well about the same as what defines a Karen, someone who goes crazy in public when confronted.





You tell ‘em sir! We had the Karen, then the Karen morphed into the Covidiot, and now the Covidiot has morphed into the Maskhole. Now how do you spot a Maskhole out into the wild? No, we’re not going to do the Mutual Of Top 10 Wild Kingdom, that bit kind of fizzled. But you can spot a Maskhole very easily, like take this example for instance. This kind of thing isn’t helping and actually makes you look like an asshole, where the term comes from!





Yeah no, you failed. And generally failing so hard that you wind up the subject of a news article and a subsequent Youtube video is a good rule of thumb to avoid in normal times, but right now, since these are not normal times, this is something that you absolutely do not want to do. And this is not just an isolated incident either. There are *HUNDREDS* of pages of these on Google and Youtube. Like this story from Colorado for instance.





Yeah probably! But seriously don’t threaten the store that bans you because you’re too stupid to follow their policy. Do you threaten Steam when you get banned for posting racist stuff on their message boards? I would assume the Trumpsters would try something like that. We will be featuring the Maskholes from time to time during the duration of the pandemic. But here’s another one, from time to time. But really don’t be like these people. Just don’t.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Return Of The Plague
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



The Coronavirus has consumed nearly every aspect of life right now. But there’s the possibility of another plague that has been dormant for decades, even centuries. The Bubonic Plague. Yes, there is a very real possibility of the plague returning. It seems mother nature is finally ready to get rid of all humans in the world and she is taking us out with a vengeance. But the return of the plague is not just an isolated incident, there’s been a couple of resurgences all over the world – in humans and in animals, and that was one of the biggest fears of the Coronavirus. The plague though, could be a different story altogether if it returns.





That might be the squirrel that we need to worry about instead of Plague Squirrels. And Plague Squirrels, by the way, would make an awesome band name. But while China is coming to grips with the Coronavirus unleashed on the world, they may also have to deal with the fact that they’ve unleashed the return of the Black Plague, which has been confirmed in both China and Mongolia.





So don’t eat bats, or rats, or anything with “at” in the name. But why should you be alarmed by the return of a virus that nearly caused the end of humanity back in the early 1300s? Well it is very easily treatable with vaccines and medications, but the Chinese government has a history of reacting to terrible diseases, which is why Coronavirus got out like it did. Needless to say they would be the worst to deal with a pandemic on their hands.





Bring out your dead!!! But the real reason why we should be worried about the return of such deadly disease and why our current situation could be burning out of control for a long time? Anti-vaccination crusaders. Yes, anti-vaxxers and conspiracy theorists are responsible for a lot of bad in the world, and they could make a bad situation like a disease burning out of control last forever. But thankfully this is one we do have a cure for. Unfortunately, there’s currently no cure for stupidity.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair online congregation! You know unfortunately we’re stuck inside and unable to bring you the full program that we deserve. But until then, we must fill that void! Because we’re religion but we’re also here to entertain! And boy do we need entertainment right now when we’re all locked in our homes until it is safe to go outside again. But this week, some of my parishioners have tipped me off to a new book by Robert Maginnis who says that former president Obama – a man whose name I am allowed to mention in my church, and the conservatives’ favorite boogeyman George Soros, are “Satan’s Greatest Human Proxies. Let’s delve into this, because this man has a warped view of SAYTAN and his minions, doesn’t he?





Of course not, SAYTAN, because no one can do that! But really, he’s right about Adolf Hitler, Kim Jong Un, Xi Jianping, and Josef Stalin, but do Obama and Soros really belong on that list? Hell no! Let’s take a look at some real proxies of SAYTAN, because I am sure that’s what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, isn’t it? So who are SAYTAN’s greatest human proxies? How about these QAnon morons?





No, you were more likely chosen by SAYTAN than by GAWD! Because the LAWRD does not like the Dark One, and I will not allow his name to be mentioned in my church! Even if it is not the real church right now at the moment. And speaking of Satan’s Human Proxies, these Q Anon idiots are obsessed with pedophiles. I mean really obsessed. And I’m sure that’s not something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want, now is it?





Yes, thank you SAYTAN for unleashing these godless heathens upon us! You know how does the Dark LAWRD SAYTAN feel about the protests against police brutality? It’s some truly awful shit happening all around the country as people finally stand up to the horrors of what is happening? Well, apparently Christians think they are persecuted because they can’t say certain phrases! Gee, where have I heard this nonsense before?





Sheesh, stop being so persecuted my fellow brothers and sisters! These are the people who are really the spawns of SAYTAN! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Lady A Vs Lady A
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Pop quiz, hot shot! You’re in a super popular country music group, and you’re under fire for having a racist name in a time when racism is finally getting scrubbed from the annals of American history! So what do you do? What do you DO???? Well, the Dixie Chicks recently dropped the “Dixie” from their name and are going by “The Chicks”. Now here’s the conundrum. Country music’s controversial group Lady Antebellum, dropped the southern moniker “Antebellum” and is going with the name Lady A. But… but… there’s already a singer with the name Lady A, who is from Seattle, and has had that stage name for over 20 years! How did that happen, and why has Lady A not fired their manager yet? Instead, Lady A, the band, is taking a much different and way more American route than Lady A the singer is. See if you can guess what that is!





Yeah probably. But it’s not racism here that’s the problem. The problem is that one group has apparently felt that money is a far more important issue and they need a lot more of it, which is also a very American thing to do. But like Coronavirus, expect this lawsuit to sting and linger in the air for a very long time to come. It’s basically a battle of money vs reputation, and money usually wins out in this day and age.





Good question! Why? Well, money, and bullshit. Plus there’s no way that the members of the group formerly known as Lady Antebellum thought this through. So, like Eminem says, will the real Lady A please stand up? Please stand up? Please stand up? OK I got a little carried away here. But the fact of the matter is that it’s way more complicated than you might think.





Maybe don’t hire that guy. But in addition to being a trademark and lawsuit nightmare, this reimagining of Lady Antebellum as Lady A has also been a PR nightmare! Yes, in addition to lawsuit headaches, they are also dealing with bad press. That’s a thing that nobody wants to deal with. But that can hurt a music act’s reputation no matter what genre it is. Seriously, ask Michael Jackson. What? Too soon? Well this does not appear to be going away any time soon.






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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing: Stone Mountain

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It’s time once again to ask:



This week: Georgia’s Stone Mountain, how is this still a thing? We live in an era right now where, since the death of George Floyd at the hands of murderous police forces, has awaked everyone to the dangers of racism in society. Racist monuments across the country and even around the world are getting taken down in solidarity. But one still reigns supreme – the original home and monument to the racist organization known as the Ku Klux Klan, Stone Mountain, Georgia. The monument attracts some 100,000 visitors a year. But now people are questioning its’ very existence. In fact, it may be in jeopardy of no longer being a thing.





Yes, maybe don’t call your special the “Krusty Komedy Klassic”. Because usually anything associated with the KKK is bad. But Stone Mountain is normally attracting tourists, though this year it’s attracting another kind of visitor. And that visitor is armed, angry, white males. Who you can naturally imagine are pissed at their monuments getting torn down. Yup, these are the kinds of protestors that you do not want at your monument.





Yes, probably! So how did the original monument to the KKK and the Civil War stand the test of time? In a post Civil War America, there are still people who hang onto the idea of secession and slavery and are looking to restore America’s glory days. Stone Mountain is the southern version of the Mt. Rushmore monument in South Dakota. But as you can imagine, there’s both lots of arguments why the monument should exist and why it shouldn’t.





Yes, probably. And why is it allowed to continue to exist? Despite being the target of pro-racism and anti-racism arguments all over the world, maybe if the protestors were better organized, Stone Mountain might come down. Or it might stay up. Either way, it all comes down to permitted protestors, and Stone Mountain may have found a loophole in which to keep them out. And this could set precedent throughout the country.





So, poorly planned protests and a dash of hardcore racism and America’s incredibly poor history with the subject. And that sweet tourism revenue. That’s enough to make you ask – Georgia’s Stone Mountain:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. And even the worst pandemic in an entire century has certainly not derailed people’s natural ability to be as stupid as possible. First off, let’s start with this story out of the great state of Kentucky. So here’s the thing, if you’re going to do mushrooms, do them in an area where there’s no possibility of the police showing up at your door. And if you do, also maybe come up with a better excuse than this. I’m sure that Jesus probably has better things to do right now than to take hallucinogenic mushrooms with you. Or maybe he does, that’s God for you.





Yes, that is true! Next up – remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry accused his accountant of abusing drugs because he went to South America? Well, this next story might actually prove that theory true. I mean, I go to Starbucks all the time and I don’t remember getting this with my coffee! Yup, imported Columbian coffee beans to Italy contained… *drum roll* drugs! How did that one get mixed up in the process?





Yeah next time maybe don’t use the name of a John Wick character on your shipping reference! Next up – we got to go to the State of Florida now. With Miami becoming the COVID-19 capital of the world (hey! It’s a retiree! Hey o! ), it’s no secret that Florida Man is out and doing stuff and he’s dumber than ever! First off, if there’s one thing you should know, it’s that nothing good ever comes out of a dare. Nothing!





Seriously that was right from the Simpsons Movie! Next up – dumb clerks! OK so this is a fad that is happening because of the COVID-19 pandemic. See, in normal times you would be asked to show your ID before you score alcohol. But in the world where everyone should be required to wear face masks, and most of us are doing so, you can’t tell who’s hiding behind the mask. And teenagers are taking advantage of the situation!





Finally this week – I’ve seen a lot of strange Florida stories over the years, but I will admit that I did not have “goat paternity tests” on my Florida Man Bingo Card. We go to the town of Odessa for this story, and it’s every bit as strange as you might imagine. And come on, what’s a Florida story without some goats involved? And no, it doesn’t stand for “greatest of all time”.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Biden Vs Trump Rallies
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Welcome back to… cue reverb… THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh, that was some good reverb there! Of course you know that the 2020 Road To The White House is no ordinary campaign. No sir, no madam, we are as you might be aware, currently in the worst pandemic not seen in an entire century, so of course it happens to be in THIS election cycle! Of course everyone wants to get rid of this pandemic so we can get on with the lives we were supposed to have prior to the outbreak. How’s that affecting the campaign though? There’s two different camps. Biden is taking the smart approach to campaigning in a pandemic, so let’s call him Gallant and Trump is taking the ridiculously stupid way. So let’s call Trump, Goofus.





Well duh indeed! Of course Trump is a public health risk. The man is a walking heart attack waiting to happen, and we’ve all seen what he likes to do in the bedroom. Yeah the man wants his balloon drop and his big parade, but guess what? We’re in a pandemic right now that has upended society as we know it and has turned the whole world upside down and inside out! But you know what? He’ll cancel his rally, but not because of the virus!





Seriously, that would make a great campaign ad. Just Trump as the Sad Hulk after his big rallies in Tulsa and Jacksonville turn out to be the shit shows we all predicted they would be. But now let’s switch gears from Goofus, and how is Gallant handling this? Well of course he’s going the virtual route, and of course I know we are all going to be sick of Zoom when this is over. But this is life until we get a handle on this thing.





This might be an actual money fight! Joe is playing it safe and venturing indoors, while Trump is going outdoors and it’s costing him big time. In fact, his Tulsa rally was not only a political and personal disaster for Trump, it was also a financial disaster! Tulsa will be paying for this little shindig for a very long time to come, and well, let’s just say you get what you pay for!





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

We’re going to take a look at 3 progressives not named Kamala Harris who are being considered for Biden’s VP pick. Stay tuned!



See you next week!

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July 15, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-4: The Top 10 Hot 10: The Americans Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-4: The Top 10 Hot 10: The Americans Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? Well we have completed ½ of this horrid, wretched year that is 2020 and we still have half to go. Man I cannot wait for 2021 to get here. So this is our first ever Top 10 Hot 10 edition and I haven’t been this excited in a long time. So you might be asking why are we doing this? Well it’s easy – boredom. And man have I been sick and tired of non-stop talking about COVID-19. I know it’s all that is in the news right now and we can’t help it, but yeah that’s part of it. If you think about it, since March 25th, nearly 2/3 of our segments have been about Coronavirus, and I really need something else to talk about. Also two, there’s a lack of material out there for all the various segments that we do. A lot of our material is designed to be performed in front of a live audience, and since we can’t do that for a while, we’re regulated to this white background empty void. Eventually we’ll get that freedom back. But also, I’ve been wanting to do something like this for quite some time. This week, we’re completely throwing out our usual format and giving you the first ever Top 10 Hot 10. And this will be one of 3. This Top 10 Hot 10 is going to be strictly limited to the United States leaders, politicians, celebrities and various groups. While the second Hot 10 is coming in August and it will focus on world leaders (I’m looking at you, Putin). The third Hot 10, coming in September, will focus on right-wing personalities in the sports and entertainment world (think Ted Nugent and Kid Rock). And finally the fourth one will be in November and we will be using it to discuss members of the right wing blogosphere and punditry, such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Pat Robertson. Oh, and there’s a twist – unlike our format which is 1 – 10, this edition will be… BACKWARDS!!! YAY!! The kids love that one, don’t they? OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first, with Hamilton back on the Disney + streaming service, I have to post Weird Al’s insane polka rendition of the entire musical in 5 minutes:



So since this edition is going to be completely backwards, and in a countdown style format, we are going to count down from #10 to #1! We’ve been scouring the depths of the Top 10 going all the way back to #1 to find the worst of the worst. Taking the number 10 slot is of course the state known as the Sunshine State, the State Of Florida (10), America’s most penis-shaped state. Ruiner of elections and pandemics, keeper of the most guns, and residence of some of the craziest people on the planet. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot is the Right Wing Blogosphere (9), and it comes in all flavors, whether you prefer Alex Jones’ conspiracy theories, Ben Shapiro’s whining about safe spaces, or the absolute batshit religious “prophecies” coming out of Mark Taylor’s mouth, there’s something for everybody! Taking the 8th slot is Liberty University (8). Yes, the school founded by Jerry Falwell is a never-ending source of conservative idiocy, bad policies, cheap diplomas, evolution denial, and of course some old time fire and brimstone religion! Taking the 7th slot is the White Male Groper’s Club (7) which includes everyone from Boofing Brett to Bill O’Reilly to stand-up comedians and movie stars and our own president, these perverted dipshits have got caught with their pants down – literally! In the number six slot, we can’t forget about our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and we asked our resident pastor to come up with some contributions to this list, and he’s got some doozies! In the number 5 slot this week is Fox News (5), oh and don’t think I have forgot about Rupert Murdoch’s hideous contributions to society including our 43rd and 45th presidents, imagine where we would be without them! Taking the fourth slot this week, is Brett Kavanaugh (4). There’s the conservative SCOTUS, but Kavanaugh takes a special place among America’s elite justices for the absolute colossal shit show surrounding his controversial nomination, and if Trump gets another justice to replace Ginsburg, we are fucked.In the number 3 slot this week, is none other than American Police (3). Yes, you can talk all the shit you want about the Po-Pos, but police brutality is way in the news right now and it’s a very uniquely American feature, which is why American cops are among the highest on the list. Taking the second slot this week is – you guessed it - our current Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell! The Kentucky Senator is known for his signature move of stopping short any bill that comes across his desk, and it’s led to some absolute disasters. Which means that the number 1 slot on our Top 10 Hot 10 is our current president, Donald J. Trump! The bumbling buffoon who can’t spell basic words that everyone knows, fucked up the worst pandemic in a century, put migrant children in cages, and turned a border wall project into an easily-sawed through fence, is our number one on this Top 10 Hot 10 edition! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The State Of Florida
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Taking the 10th spot on the list is none other than the great state of Florida. America’s most penis-shaped state. The Sunshine State. Look, we kid. We love Florida, and prior to the pandemic we were going to take a trip through the Sunshine State similar to the Texas trip we took last year at the start of season 7. But what is up with Florida? Why are the people there so batshit fucking crazy? And why do they continue to be that way? And where do we even begin to tackle the sheer stupidity coming out of the Sunshine State? I’m not going to talk about coronavirus because there’s way too much out of Florida and it’s all super depressing. But let’s talk about the Florida governor Ron DeSantis for a minute.





Yeah Bugs Bunny had the right idea! But in all seriousness, we love Florida here, and we kid because we love. And once this pandemic is over I hope to do a trip to Florida the way we did Texas last year, just tour the state and find out… what’s up? But we also can’t talk about Florida without talking about our good friend Florida Man. Yes, whether launching a rocket into the sun or going on a crystal meth bender and winding up driving his car in a ditch, you can always count on Florida to bring the crazy.





Maybe Florida is so crazy because it looks like a giant penis? That’s the only thing I can think of. And OK I lied, I said I wouldn’t talk about Coronavirus, but I do have to bring up Florida’s stupidity and the sheer reason why they’re on this list. Florida right now is the absolute worst state in the country in terms of the pandemic – and they don’t care. In fact just look at what they have actually tried to argue, and I pointed this out in the last edition – this is so stupid that I don’t even know where to begin.





Florida Man literally is all of Florida right now. Hell they even elected a governor who is the embodiment of Florida Man – Ron DeSantis. He is every bit as stupid, crazy, senile, and insane as the people of the state of Florida. And during the worst pandemic in an entire century, he really is showing the entire world that Florida is becoming the new epicenter of the virus, and it’s not leaving there any time soon.





Batshit Rating: 8 / 10
Sentence:



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[font size="8"]The Right Wing Blogosphere
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We could do an entire Top 10 Hot 10 based on members of the Right Wing Blogosphere, because we really do not have the time to list all of them. But whether you prefer the old tried and true formula of Rush Limbaugh, or the modern college aged approach of Ben Shapiro and TP USA, or the systemic misogyny of Joe Rogan, or Ann Coulter’s chronic liberal bashing, or the insane conspiracies of Glenn Beck, Mark Taylor and Alex Jones, the right wing has something for everybody. Like I said, there is way too much out there to list them all, so that’s why we lumped them into one category. And the religious right podcasters are way the fuck out there. Like take Glenn Beck for instance who’s literally gone full on televangelist. Should we be surprised that his little gathering got canceled? I’m not!





Well maybe you’re old school and you prefer the old school AM radio format. Well guess who is still the king of that? Rush Limbaugh. And ever since his cancer diagnosis back in February, he’s just as batshit crazy as he ever was. In fact some of the stuff that he’s saying now is even crazier than what he was saying during the Bush years! I honestly had no idea that that was possible! In fact it’s people like Rush that are the reason why we can’t have nice things!





Well maybe Rush Limbaugh is too old for you, and you’re a young, strapping conservative white male looking to go to college this year or next year. And you’re afraid that the university that you just got accepted to doesn’t represent your point of view. Well, there’s this group called Turning Point USA, that is a favorite of Trump’s son, Donald Trump Jr. And Trump himself has even retweeted the group’s founder. This could get rather dangerous.





Yeah that’s pretty much what life is like teaching these racist, misogynistic right wing dude bros in modern society. And they will grow up to be your kids’ future bosses, and that’s going to suck when your kid finally leaves school and enters the workforce! Well, that’s a conspiracy theory. And maybe that’s your thing. Well, there’s Alex Jones, or Glenn Beck, or Liberty University’s Mark Taylor. But Alex Jones – he’s a special breed of crazy! And nothing says “tyranny” like driving around in a giant armored tank screaming from a megaphone!




Batshit Rating: 7.7 / 10
Sentence: Regulated To Safe Spaces


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[font size="8"]Liberty University
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The Republicans have been at war with education since the 1980s. They upped their war on education with the Bush administration’s still controversial “No Child Left Behind” law. But in the Trump administration, their war has escalated to all new heights, and it’s taking the entire country down with them. However, in the GOP’s war on education, there has been one school that has withstood the test of time, defied the odds, and became the epicenter of conservative batshit insanity. Especially in the Donald J. Trump administration – which currently has very few allies. But they do have one – Liberty University, and its’ current president, Jerry Falwell Jr.





Yup – in a much simpler time, Jerry Falwell Jr was actively involved in a campaign to annex parts of Virginia and give them to West Virginia, because guns. And also you know how school shootings are still a thing? Well we went back to one of the very first Top 10s and found that while most schools are banning guns and preventing students from owning them, apparently anything goes at Liberty University!





Seriously, who still has that kind of toilet in this day and age? And also, “show them a lesson?”. Who are they showing a lesson to? I don’t think that was ever made clear. Oh and in case you’re wondering why Liberty University is an all time Top 10 Hall Of Famer, they have a history of silencing students who may have that thing called “independent thoughts”. Yes, last year, they got caught censoring and silencing student opinions in their school newspaper – something they accuse far more credible schools of doing!





Batshit Rating: 8.1 / 10
Sentence: 7th Circle Of The Fiery Pit Of Hell


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[font size="8"]The White Male Groper’s Club
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OK, here’s my whole deal, and I will probably get the popular opinion on this one, because I feel like I have to say it – sexual harassment is bad, OK? And the Groper’s Club has flavors of all kinds in it, from Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby to Kevin Spacey to Roy Moore to even recent outs like Chris D’Elia, and Danny Masterson, these scumbags are getting taken down one by one. And there is nothing that is good for you if you get caught. In fact if you get caught, there’s also plenty of ways that it can go horribly wrong too. So take for instance long time criminal scumbag Harvey Weinstein, who was finally taken down two years ago. We’ll be hearing about the Weinstein trial for the next several years, as it was that prolific.





Ah, got to love Quagmire, everyone’s favorite grab asser! Let’s examine the other extreme of this argument – Roy Moore. Yes, the man who ran one of the most insane elections of the last 4 years when he attempted to run for Senate in Alabama. Because you know the Senate doesn’t have enough fire and brimstone religion for you! Well now he’s going after… Sascha Cohen? After his infamous interview with last year. Dude, it’s Sascha Cohen. You should know what you were getting into when you signed up!





Seriously, don’t listen to Roy Moore or Borat, you will only get into further trouble. Now, what about recent accusations against sexual harassers? You might have heard a thing or two about the world of the seedy underbelly of standup comedy being exposed now for what it is. Look, I love good standup comedy, don’t get me wrong, and now it’s starting to seem like every profession has these crooks in their ranks.





And man how many times do I have to tell you not to listen to Quagmire? But here’s the thing – if you think that we’ve heard the last of sexual harassers in Hollywood, you are wrong! They are everywhere, and it’s not just limited to Hollywood. If you are a grab asser, no matter what your political persuasion is, you will get caught. The founder of the Me Too movement will make sure it’s incredibly painful for you, both in your wallet and elsewhere.





Batshit Rating: 8.0 / 10
Sentence: One Night Stand With Quagmire


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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the Venmo collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know we cannot meet in person and until we’re allowed to do that again, we must meet in this blank void of a background. I’ll admit it – I miss the pageantry, the stage props, the gospel choir. But this week, as we do our Hot 10 edition, I am going to bring you my additions to the list from the world of religion. Because there are some batshit insane lunatics in this profession of mine. The first on my list of Christian right hall of famers is Kenneth Copeland. We have covered him many different times and he’s most famous for recently fleecing his congregation for a $42 million private jet. And now it appears that he’s not afraid of the DEVIL virus known as COVID-19.





Yes, and the DEVIL is the pastor who fleeces his congregation for private jets, not like he needs them to do his preaching! And especially now with all the travel restrictions in place! Next up – the spiritual advisor to the unholy, ungodly Dark One, whose name shall *NOT* be mentioned in my church, even if it is virtual, Paula White! Yes, she is a particularly crazy one, and now is certifiably dangerous!







Yes, Paula White is someone who is very EVIL and a tool of SAYTAN himself! That is not what our lord and savior JAYSUS would want in this time of national emergency! Next up – an old favorite of ours, Jim Bakker. Yes, the man who sold his soul for doomsday prepper merchandise is a long standing favorite among the Holy Shit worship team. Well, Jim is in a whole, heaping world of trouble thanks to his bogus miracle cures!





Unfortunately there’s no miracles here. You know why America isn’t getting out of this crisis any time soon? It’s because of American churches! No one does religion like we do, and now no one does death like we do! Finally, last on my list is Mark Taylor. You know how we covered Liberty University earlier in this show? Mark Taylor is the guy who they credit as being a “firefighter prophet”. Though this guy ain’t no prophet, he’s just a tin foil hat lunatic who thinks he is one, and remember what the good LAWRD JAYSUS said about false prophets!





Yeah so he might not be the guy who you want to go to for spiritual prophecies, or any kind of prophecies. Those are my pics everybody! Virtual mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:



Batshit Rating: 8.2 / 10
Sentence: Smited


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[font size="8"]Fox News
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You know I fought with the writing staff on this one, because I wanted to make this entry just about Sean Hannity, who in the time of the Trump administration, has become the Joseph Goebbels to Trump’s Adolf Hitler. But we decided to include the whole damn network because nearly all of their commentators are insane. And Fox is literally calling the shots in the Trump White House right now, and they won’t give up their power that easily. Fox News right now is in a whole heap of trouble, a lot of it stems from the sexual harassment allegations against Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes, which was documented in the movie Bombshell. But new allegations are surfacing that the networks’ misinformation on COVID is causing it to make the virus that much worse:





Yeah that’s pretty much what passes for 99% of the content on Fox News, with a +-1% margin of error for when they do produce any actual news. But when you watch Fox, all you need to know is that we liberals are bad and want to indoctrinate your kids! We don’t, but who does is their current late night hosts Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson, both of which have been accused of some pretty serious doings, like being racist on air, for instance!





That’s pretty much where we are headed if Fox News continues on the path that it’s on. Remember I said Sean Hannity was in trouble? Well, since Hannity is a BFF of Trump and the president’s official mouthpiece, criticism of him is completely off the table. So much that fake news Hannity is suing a real news outlet – the New York Times. Yes, they’ve been Trump’s favorite punching bag since he first announced he was going to be running for president. But still, fail.





I always love how much the Simpsons makes fun of Fox News and Fox. And by the way, you know how conservatives are always crying about free speech when newspapers won’t print their editorials in their opinion columns? Or broadcast their racist and sexist bullshit to the masses? Well, Fox News is planning to take that to the next level, by suing people who they don’t agree with! Yup, so much for that free speech they’re always clamoring about. It works both ways!





Batshit Rating: 9.1 / 10
Sentence: Cancel their culture


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[font size="8"]Brett Kavanaugh
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You know, the right wing has a history of picking bad justices. And while Brett Kavanaugh could just be another member of the White Male Groper’s Club, he is, I don’t know, DECIDING THE SUPREME LAW OF THE LAND!!! Of course he’s going to be put under the most scrutiny of any judge in the country and he’s going to be vetted as much as possible! But conservatives are mad because “Ooh, we meanie liberals made him cry!”. Ooh……. Well, you can dish it out, but you sure as hell can’t take it! Whew, I needed to get that off my chest. But no figure made famous by Trump in the last four years has been made to be in the biggest shit show surrounding his nomination in history.



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Of course boys will be boys. And boys will also be sexual harassers. I know, I have been around many of them in my life. No, I’m not one of them. I can guarantee that I’m scandal free. Come on, seriously, Brett Kavanaugh is such a danger to American justice that even the woman who voted to confirm him is having second thoughts about her decision. Yes, we’re looking at you, Susan Collins. Kavanaugh will be allowed to wreak havoc as long as he sees fit!





And by the way, Brett Kavanaugh’s seat on SCOTUS is costing him big time and it’s also costing his friends, because as I mentioned, Susan Collins had a 78% approval rating in the Maine Senate prior to the Donald J. Trump administration, which points her in the direction of having one of the highest approval ratings of any senator in the country behind Bernie Sanders. Now? Eh… I think her popularity is only slightly behind Trump! Yes, that’s right, this thing has cost her big time!





But those allegations aren’t going away. Back in a much simpler time – last year, Brett Kavanaugh was *STILL* facing some really heinous allegations from his personal life even before all this became a thing, and yeah he’s basically the worst person to be on a bench right now. Especially with the ongoing crisis that’s affecting the entire planet, and it’s about to get ugly. Really ugly.





Batshit Rating: 9.2 / 10
Sentence: Boofed (whatever that is)


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[font size="8"]The American Police
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That might go down in history as one of the single greatest theme songs in TV show history. Too bad the show that it’s attached to, COPS, is no longer a thing (see: Top 10 #9-1 ). But why is the show Cops no longer a thing? It’s because it made police brutality cool. And it showed the raw power of the American police. Nobody does policing like the Americans do policing. Sure, other countries have tried and imitated. But really, no one does it like we do. Hell, even Saudi Arabia, a country that still has beheadings, is jealous of our fire and brimstone punishment system. But as I said, nobody does policing and prisons, quite like the United States Of America!





That’s the thing about the American police that they don’t tell you when you sign up for the police academy. You are viewed as the worst person on earth when you sign up. It’s not all fun and games, either. Policing is a very serious job and has very serious consequences when you screw up. But what about those of us who watch the horror from the sidelines? Well guess what? Our policing and prison systems can have an affect on you personally!





Man you might want to watch where you point that gun, chief. So when you get arrested – where do you end up? Well, you end up in jail. And just like nobody does policing like America does, nobody does jail like America does. American prisons are places you don’t want to be, and it doesn’t matter what level they are at. There might be white collar resort prisons, like Office Space or Arrested Development, but those are places you wouldn’t want to be either.





Yeah no, that’s exactly what prison is like. Look, we support the police here. I know cops, I’m related to cops. And they will tell you exactly how they feel about the job and what they get wrong. But like take for instance, Joe Arpaio, who many call the worst cop in the nation, maybe one of the worst in American history. Well guess what? He’s a product of white supremacist infiltration in law enforcement. Which has been going on for the last 20 years!





Batshit Rating: 9.5 / 10
Sentence: Defunded, fired, replaced with cops who care


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[font size="8"]Mitch McConnell
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Make no mistake. The guy who’s currently in charge of the Senate is one of the most evil motherfuckers alive. Coming from my dad’s home state, the great state of Kentucky, the man is certifiably evil. While Americans are dying, he has shown absolutely no remorse. And he was part of the reason that we have our number one pick on this list in the White House. In fact, Moscow Mitch, as he’s been known, is so unpopular in his home state of Kentucky that his approval rating is even worse than his boss’ is! Yes, Amy McGrath could defeat Moscow Mitch in an absolute landslide! That’s how we are going to start this entry right here!





So why is Mitch so vastly unpopular? Well we’re in the midst of the biggest public health crisis not seen in an entire century and he flat out doesn’t care. But here’s the thing guys, either everyone gets a stimulus check, or you might as well have nobody get a stimulus check. You know how Europe was able to contain this thing in most countries? They gave everyone a stimulus!!! So people had an incentive to stay home!! That’s how it works!





Yeah and that message is “fuck all y’all!”. You know what the most infuriating thing about the GOP is out of all of this? They’ve managed to convince people that free fucking money is somehow a bad thing! I mean how stupid can you be?? Europe has free health care and they gave people generous stimulus packages, and guess what? They’re beating this virus! Us on the other hand? We don’t give a shit, and it shows! Ah!!!





Ha ha! I miss Jon Stewart, and man do we need him now more than ever! But as long as Mitch is enjoying the majority, all things must come to an end. And Coronavirus has pulled back the curtains and exposed the GOP for the real cowards that they are. Also how broken all of our systems really are, and that he was the one who broke them! Better get used to losing, Mitch! You are going to be seeing a lot of GOP defeats in the future!






Batshit Rating: 9.7 / 10
Sentence: Defeated, Knocked on back with no chance of getting up


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[font size="8"]Donald J. Trump
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Donald J. Trump, the 45th president of the United States, is one of the most colossally fucked up things that the United States has ever forced upon the world. Just… just… where do I even begin? He’s a constant embarrassment. He sits in bed all day and watches and live tweets TV. He can’t spell, he can’t understand basic math, he cheats, lies and steals, has no taste in interior decorating, and every business he’s ever ran is a failure. Which is why we’re in the predicament that we’re in now. Even in the last three months he’s just gone off the rails. I remember I predicted that he’d go full Howard Hughes by the end of his term. Well, we have six months to go, and I might be right.





Man, I can’t wait to say on November 3rd, Donald Trump, you’re fired! It has been four very long, very painful, and very frustrating years watching this asshole wreck every government protocol, roll back every Obama era protection and basic right, and just generally fuck things up. He put a billionaire in charge of the US Treasury, and he put a billionaire in charge of education. And how well is that working out for everybody?





Yes, you too Betsy are fired! As if things couldn’t possibly get any worse right now, Trump attempted to hold a rally in Tulsa in the pandemic! Well guess what happened? The virus is following Trump everywhere and well, I think it’s trying to send a message. That message is if you hang out with Trump, you’re gonna get a virus. Too bad we all have to suffer for this one.





You tell ‘em, Arnold. Even Schwarzenegger himself doesn’t like Trump. And if you want a list of some of the most embarrassing things that Trump has done, Salon has compiled a great list. Whether it’s his infamous Covfefe tweet, or serving McDonalds food to championship football players, or confusing two of Ohio’s largest cities, I could spend all day listing them, but we’re running out of time and I don’t have that kind of time! I’ll just leave this here. This might be my favorite of his most embarrassing moments.





Batshit Rating: 9.7 / 10
Sentence: 864511320 (if you can’t decode this look it up)



Thanks for indulging me with this Top 10 Hot 10 edition! We’ll be back with our regular format next week! See you next week!

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July 1, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-3: Nobody Expects The Democratic Inquisition Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-3: Nobody Expects The Democratic Inquisition Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? We’re taking a break for the July 4th holiday next week but when we come back on the 15th I have a bit of a sneak preview for Top 10 #9-4: We’re going to deviate from our standard format a bit and just tear into the top 10 biggest douchebags, assholes, and psychopaths in the world of all time (or at least the last 4 years), and I can guarantee that you will like this edition. Much like a Time or People Hot 100, it’s going to get very real very fast! There will even be a special edition of Holy Shit that will tackle the biggest religious asshats of all, like Kenneth Copeland, Paula White, Rick Wiles, and Jerry Falwell Jr. So that’s what you can expect in the next two weeks. Now, do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. Look people, we are all bored and we hate not having the freedoms we used to have before COVID showed up. And I want to get to touring and getting the Top 10 back on the road as much as the next person. I’m tired of talking about the virus too. But don’t risk your life going to a concert right now, and who the fuck is Chase Rice? Seriously, there’s far more important things that you can do right now, but shot gunning beers and line dancing at a country music concert definitely isn’t one of them. Hey look, I love live music too, it’s one of my favorite things in life. But it can definitely wait, and if you do this now, the virus is going to have the last laugh. I need to get that off my chest. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver breaks down the forthcoming economic collapse caused by Coronavirus:



Where do we begin this week? Well this week, the top slot again goes to the guy who inexplicably is still our president, Donald J. Trump (1). So the word from intel is that Trump may have been involved in a deal with Russia that cost the lives of American soldiers in Afghanistan! Gee, Trump In the second slot this week, maybe there’s some aspects of humanity that just aren’t worth saving, like the White Male Groper’s Club (2) and there are a lot of these stories lately, and they range from completely disgusting to absolutely horrifying! At the third slot this week is right wing COVID deniers (3). If COVID is the Spanish Flu, version 2.0, then we have our own version of 1918’s anti-mask league, and their arguments are literally like something out of a deranged Youtube comments section. At the fourth slot this week, we’re going to play a game of “Is It Racist?” (4) featuring everyone’s favorite pancake syrup mascot, Aunt Jemima, and is it racist? You bet your ass it is! Taking the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and is it really time for theme parks like Disneyland to reopen? This could possibly be a very bad and very dangerous idea given that coronavirus hasn’t really gone away yet. Taking the 6th slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week our resident pastor is going to follow the Dark One to the one time he actually goes to a church, and well, it’s anything but religious! In the 7th slot this week, is a new “Beating A Dead Horse”, and after a popular right wing meme maker gets the heave ho after a retweet from Trump, Trump fans are flocking to a new free-speech friendly social media site called “Parler” and we will tell you about it. In the 8th slot this week, in a world with no sports, people are starved for entertainment and flocking to extremely dangerous unregulated ones like cockfighting, and we’re going to ask: “Underground Cockfighting: How Is This Still A Thing?” (8). In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we’re going to have another edition of our favorite segment, “People Are Dumb” (9) because even the deadliest pandemic in a century hasn’t stopped people from being stupid! Finally this week, is the Road To The White House (10) and this week we’re going to talk about a potentially untapped voter base – Joe Biden is actually winning with evangelicals and may flip congregations for the first time in almost 40 years! How does he do it? Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The GOP
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Since last year, even way before COVID-19 was discovered and the shit hit the fan, the Trump brand was already becoming toxic. Well, as we are putting this together, Kentucky and Colorado and Utah are finishing up their primaries, and it may be a while before we see the results. But it seems that while the Trump brand is becoming as toxic as your local sewage treatment plant in the middle of a hot summer day, it seems that Trump is losing on multiple levels. I don’t want to say that the GOP is done, finished because that would be getting too ahead, but it definitely feels like people have had enough of their bullshit. And it’s showing too! Nobody expects the Democratic Inquisition!





Yeah how awesome is that? Oh and what’s even more awesome? It seems that people aren’t buying Trump’s hard-in stance on the 2nd amendment either! The 2nd amendment people have been turning up at protests and that’s been causing people to really see how toxic right wing politics can really get. So by now you’ve probably seen the husband and wife team that pointed guns at protestors? Well actions do have consequences!





Yes, totally rejected! So Trump is toxic, the 2nd amendment is toxic, is there anything associated with the GOP that is not toxic? Well, money maybe. But even that’s becoming toxic depending on what causes it’s being spent on. And if you’re expecting or dreading a Trump tweet, be aware that it can hurt or help both sides equally. If Trump supports you, you know that person is going to be one of the caliber of character that supports him, and that’s not good!





Oh and by the way, if you think that Trump is done, in his mind, he is definitely not. But he thinks that he is. The coronavirus has put his sheer incompetence on display for the entire world to see. While other countries are starting to enjoy things like travel again, we’re only wishing what that was like. Instead, the real virus is sitting in the White House, and it’s going to take a lot to knock him out. His endorsements are being seen as a huge lie!







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[font size="8"]The White Male Groper’s Club
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Story time, kids! Gather around! Not too close, we must adhere to the guidelines. Let me tell you a story. Wayyyyyyyyyy back in the year 2018 – which was a much simpler time before coronavirus, the big plague infecting the land was the White Male Groper’s Club. Yes, some huge names in show business – primarily white male celebrities like Kevin Spacey, Jeremy Piven, Bryan Singer, and Harvey Weinstein were caught sexually harassing young women (and also men) and engaging in some serious criminal activity. Now the White Male Groper’s Club is back and rebooted for version 2.0. This time it’s younger actors and stand up comedians who are being exposed for the criminal grab assers that they are! First up – the star of Baby Driver, one of my favorite movies of the last few years, Ansel Elgort!





Seriously, Kevin Spacey *AND* Ansel Elgort? How the hell did they manage that one? But what is really becoming of the entertainment industry is the world of standup comedy. Yes, the world once made popular by the likes of Jerry Seinfeld and Rodney Dangerfield is currently populated with some real pieces of shit, like Chris D’elia and Jeffrey Ross, for instance. Let’s get into that. And Chris D’elia is a friend of Trump’s BFF Joe Rogan too.





I really hope cats aren’t involved! So we’re currently fighting two pandemics – COVID-19 and serial womanizing. How is it that these creeps are able to get away with the crap that they are able to get away with? Well they’re rich white males for one thing. And if you’re a rich white male in showbiz that happens to be in a popular TV show or movie, man, you got it made! Oh , and then there’s Danny Masterson. Yeah fuck that shit. And he’s got the Church Of Scientology on his side!





Seriously guys, send him to Sea Org, or that weird branch of Scientology that kidnaps and tortures people. Oh I’m sorry, they *ALLEGEDLY* kidnap and torture people. What? No, I am not apologizing to the Church Of Scientology. But it does seem that sexual harassers are a dime a dozen and it doesn’t matter what industry they are involved in. They’re everywhere. What about the owners? Oh yeah there’s that.






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[font size="8"]COVID Deniers
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Hey anti-maskers, there’s something that I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for the last two months so excuse the all caps. WE HATE WEARING MASKS TOO!!!! It’s not a political statement, though Trump and his goons would most certainly like to make it one. But as long as Coronavirus is still a thing, we either all have to abide by the rules, or we all don’t. And you know what? Just roll the fucking tape, this is beyond insane.



Seriously, that reminds me of the town hall meetings from Parks & Rec. Look, no one likes wearing masks, and we all want this fucking virus to go away. So the sooner we all do it, the sooner we can all get rid of this beast. Get how that works?





OK, dude. Don’t wear the mask. But when you get COVID, leave the ICU beds for the people who actually need it, OK? And Florida is not the only state in the country where this debate is heating up, my own county – Orange County, CA, is having this insanity. Really folks, don’t come here right now, we’re the Florida of California. And it pains me to say that. But really, shut the fuck up.





Sigh……….. fucking idiots like this are why we can’t have nice things, like a world where Coronavirus doesn’t exist. Better get used to the virtual world everybody, you might not be seeing the real one for a very long time thanks to these morons. Where’s the Matrix simulator when you need it? But why is this even a debate? If you want things to go back to normal, you should get on this. If not, you’re part of the problem!





Yeah probably. So mask, no mask, what’s the difference? it’s your own fucking health, and to stop a very easily transmittable virus from exploding exponentially! Doesn’t matter what state you live in, every single state has their fair share of these people, and we’d run out of time trying to list them all. You don’t have to like wearing a mask, just don’t act like a fucking idiot when you’re asked to have some common courtesy in public during this pandemic.






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[font size="8"]Is It Racist?
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Hey everyone! It’s time to play the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



And the answer to that question? If you have to ask, it’s probably racist! Wait, no, you shouldn’t be cheering for that one. But there’s a been a lot of racism in the news this week with the fallout from the protests stemming from the death of George Floyd last month. One of the biggest changes in the world of racism is coming in your supermarket breakfast aisles. Yes, two of America’s most beloved products – Uncle Ben’s Rice, and Aunt Jemima syrup, are both products of the Davis Milling Company, originally from St. Joseph, Missouri. That product was then bought by the Quaker Oats Company, and the character remained. But guess what? That character might be a bit racist. But this might be an overtly stupid portrayal of the original character.





Seriously, that happened! Miss, you might want to use that thing called “Google” or even that thing called “Wikipedia” before you say something that stupid again. Really, this is why we can’t have nice things people! And no, it’s not cancel culture that’s coming for your beloved advertising mascot, it’s common sense. But what about a complimentary product of Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben’s rice? Yup, that’s getting retired as well!





Gee, ya think? Although it’s great to see a company like ConAgra Brands take a stand against racism by retiring or changing the name of some of its’ most beloved advertising characters. Even Mrs. Butterworth is getting the axe. But not to be outdone, while we must present equal viewpoints here, the family of the woman who portrayed and was the basis for the Aunt Jemima character is speaking out, and they’re not happy!





Yeah probably! So don’t get too comfortable when questioning racism, because as I say if you have to ask, it’s probably racist. However, even some of your favorite bands might be getting in the mix – like the Dixie Chicks recently dropped the “Dixie” from their name, and now the country rock group Lady Antebellum appears that it will be changing its’ name. So is it racist? Yeah probably!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Disneyland Reopening
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



There isn’t any aspect of life that hasn’t been changed by the Coronavirus pandemic. And if you’re like most of us, you’re most likely bored, angry, and pissed off. But where do you go to relieve those frustrations with the changing world around you and how do you get out to have fun in the day and age of the virus? How about going to the Happiest Place On Earth, Disneyland? Well, while Disneyland has reopened in Shanghai to a somewhat rousing success, getting the wheels turning on the Happiest Place On Earth back on track is proving to be way more difficult than it has been anticipated. So how is life going to operate at Disneyland in Florida and Anaheim as it starts getting back to where it was before the pandemic?





So Disneyland in California may not happen for at least the foreseeable future. What about Disneyland in Orlando? The home of Epcot Center could also be the home of Coronavirus as the cases in Northern Florida are starting to resurge and show no signs of slowing. But if you’re headed to the Happiest Place On Earth in 2020, then you should be prepared to face a reality check.





Hey wait, we still have 7 more continents to get through! Although if you are on the fence about all the restrictions being put in place in Disneyland, maybe consider an alternative, like the State Fair. Yes, most state and county fairs have shut down because of the pandemic, but one is defying expectations and going on anyways! Just don’t be disappointed if you don’t get to go to the petting zoo this year.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: The Dark One Goes To Church
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair online congregation! You know with churches going online and not congregating in public for the foreseeable future due to coronavirus, we’re kind of running low on material right now. But thankfully last week that SAYVED! For the unholy, ungodly Dark One whose name shall not be mentioned in my church – even if it is an online and virtual one, actually went to a church. He is a SINNER, who does some absolutely unspeakable things, yet he views himself as the godliest of the godly! And among that crowd, he can do no wrong! So why is he pandering to the holiest among us? Well, also why not? Because screw everyone that he doesn’t agree with, that’s why!





Yes let’s wait two weeks to see where this is heading and it cannot be good. For the commander in chief is doing an absolutely terrible job of setting such an example of what to do during these trying times, he is failing on every level! But how is his second in command doing? Well he’s not doing much better, and he was the guy who was picked to lead us in charge to tackle this forsaken virus!





Seriously guys, this isn’t the 1980s, this is 2020 and there is a deadly virus roaming the landscape, and it is not stopping! It’s going to get worse. And you shouldn’t be going to church right now. But no one is canceling church, and I’m sure that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would back me up here! If you want to get back to your old life and I know we all do, real change starts at the top! Of course I still won’t mention his name in my church, even if it is virtual!





Yes, churches are the biggest problem that the unholy, ungodly Dark One and his DAYMONS are facing at the moment. But he’s not going down without a fight. For his network is actively encouraging people to defy orders and defy the LAWRD, you’ve got another thing coming! And you are most definitely not welcome in my church – online or in person – until you get a grip on reality! But this is not the kind of thing you want to hear in a sermon, and you won’t hear it in my church! I won’t allow it!





So do not take any medicine offered by the Dark One, for he is the virus! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Safe Spaces
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We’ve been talking a lot of shit about right wingers needing safe spaces. So many editions that it would take me forever to list them all, so I am not even going to try to attempt to do that. And with high profile internet services like Reddit and Twitch and several other platforms banning far right personalities and chat rooms, it’s easy to see why the right has taken such a beating lately. You want to know why? It’s easy to see: NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR MESSAGE OF HATE, DOUCHEBAGS! OK, I needed to get that off my chest. But if you’re a far right personality that has fans and followers, where do you go when you get kicked off the major websites? Well, first they had Gab, now they have Parler. Want to know the kind of content that gets passed around on Parler? Well…





Yeah blah blah blah. Let’s not underestimate the irony here – conservatives are using Twitter to promote a direct competitor to Twitter, to complain that their voices aren’t being heard! I don’t know about you but I have had enough of this bullshit! And I think the entire world has had enough of the far right, and it’s time to start flushing them out. In case you’re wondering the kind of lax content that Parler is known for, well, it has some people up in arms.





So racists, first off there’s something that I have been meaning to say for a long time. Hear me out here, because listen up. There are no safe spaces in the real world. You are all a bunch of pathetic snowflakes, so suck it up, buttercup! Yeah people don’t want to hear your racist bullshit. And if you think that doesn’t have consequences, well it can cost you sponsors. Just look at what’s happening to Facebook and their refusal to police bullshit.





Seriously, you’re just now figuring how toxic social media is? You guys really need to do some research here. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that we’re finally addressing the systematic, unfiltered racism in this country that’s been running rampant for decades since the Civil War, and the online racism that allowed Trump to become president. But would anyone want to debate these assholes? Conservatives don’t need equal footing, they have 3 24/7 cable news networks and nearly all AM radio stations at their disposal, they don’t need more platforms to fling their bullshit!






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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing: Underground Cockfighting
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week: Underground cockfighting, how is this still a thing? In a world run by COVID-19, where no sports, recreation, or fun of any kind is to be had until we deal with this virus, people have to make their own fun. And one sport that’s equal parts dangerous, illegal, and banned in over 50 countries is on its’ way to making a comeback. And it’s an unwanted comeback too, as it not only puts the lives of the competitors at stake, it puts the fans and spectators at stake too. That sport is cockfighting, the sport that pits dangerously large roosters against each other in a battle for supremacy. The sport is so controversial that it is not shown on TV and even Vegas won’t take bets on it. But now, thanks to COVID, and a world without real professional sports, it’s making a comeback.





Supposedly the sport of cockfighting was canceled in 2002 when Oklahoma officially outlawed it, but it’s not just rampant in Oklahoma and Alabama, cockfighting is everywhere. But it’s not necessarily the birds who are being abused, they’re also being exported. It turns out that the US territory of Guam is also a hot bed for illegal cockfighting. And how were these illegal breeders caught? Through a series of contact tracings.





That’s definitely not the use of birds you want them for. What are the consequences of cockfighting if you are caught participating or breeding roosters for the illegal purposes? Well, the fines are pretty stiff and you can also face some serious jail time, and that’s something that you do not want to do in 2020. But with the illegal cockfighting ring comes another illegal component with it – gambling. Yes, not only can you bet on the outcome of the fights, that is also illegal!





And guess what? Cockfighting isn’t just a uniquely American problem. It’s also an international one, and countries all around the globe are cracking down on cockfighting. And the people who engage in this sport are not exactly the kind of people who are looking to make a legitimate dollar. Instead they are teeming with all kinds of illegal activity, and it’s not exactly limited to what the roosters are doing in the fighting ring.





So illegal gambling, drugs, and guns – all around the sport of two roosters fighting. That’s enough to make you ask – underground cockfighting:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? I want to start with this story out of Trump’s rally in Arizona. Yeah we usually don’t bring politics into People Are Dumb segments but this one is a fucking classic. So the virus isn’t going away any time soon, and it’s really making people crazy. But where this falls into the “stupid” category is that two guys claim that they have an air conditioner system that filters out pathogens, much like the one on the USS Enterprise on Star Trek. But in reality, something tells me that I wouldn’t trust these guys with a cheapo $99 air conditioner from Costco.





Yeah I think even God is sighing on this one. Next up – of course we have to go to our favorite state, the Sunshine State, America’s most penis-shaped state of Florida. Ah, Florida, can you ever go one day without doing something batshit crazy? Well there’s a lot of Florida this week so let’s go through some of the crazier ones. Here’s the thing – if you’re going to make a Godfather reference, at least get the reference correct!





Yeah maybe don’t go against the Family there! Next up – we go to the Florida town of Cocoa Beach, and why does the weirdest shit in Florida always happen in beach communities? Well this is something that maybe you don’t want to see in a bakery right now, or maybe ever. Remember the emotional support animal craze of the last couple of years? When we lived in much simpler times. Well, I don’t remember you being allowed to bring one of these in an establishment!





Damn those gators! Next up – sticking with the Sunshine State, do you know that old expression “is there a bottle of wine from your pants or are you just happy to see me?”. Well, first the answer to that question is always yes. And second, yeah sometimes there might actually be a bottle of wine stuffed down your pants. And wine that is crazy expensive at that!





That damn Merlot, it ruins everything doesn’t it? Next up – even the DEA is dumb. You know that whole good cop – bad cop routine? Well what if there was a bad cop – even worse cop? Well, the even worse cop got caught being, well, even worse than usual. And if it’s a fraud scheme that you got caught for, well, there’s no coming back from that. And this guy got caught in maybe the worst way possible.





Damn right!!! Man I miss that show. Finally this week – of course we end with Florida. But maybe this time don’t let your kid drive! Ever! There’s no excuse for that, and yeah I get that kids love cars, especially young boys. I know, I was one at one point. But there’s no excuse for this stupidity, but then again I am reminded of what state this is in.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome to our segment where we are documenting Joe Biden’s road to the White House! Yes, it’s been quite the tumultuous time here in the states because of the COVID-19 pandemic. But things are getting better and gradually progressing. Of course it happens to be an election year. Maybe god is trying to send us a message? Last week we talked about the rising blue tide in the Lone Star State of Texas, this week – we’re talking about Biden’s support among the holier-than-thou crowd. Yes, my people, the tide might finally be turning in America’s congregations. It seems 40 years of toxic conservatism is finally starting to grate on America’s evangelicals.





Yes, the Ned Flanders types are finally coming around to being liberal after nearly 40 years of supporting ultra-hard right policies and fantasies. Gee, you think that may be bad for business? Well while normally Democrats don’t touch the evangelical vote, Biden is embracing them with open arms. Well I hope they turn a blind eye to Trump because you know that some won’t change their opinions no matter how hard you try.





if you don’t want to feel bad about yourself, don’t vote for Donald J. Trump! See how simple that is? We need someone who is going to try to unite America, and man we need someone like this now more than ever especially in the face of the worst pandemic in over a century. Even Catholics – Catholics!!! Are starting to turn the tide towards Biden, and they’re the kind of people who won’t change their mind for anything!





But the biggest mystery of the 2020 election overall – while Christians are still overwhelmingly voting in favor of Trump, could this be enough to finally give him the heave ho? Even the once heavily GOP favored born again segment is finally starting to realize that supporting Trump and dangerous republican, white supremacist ideologies might finally be bad for business.





[font size="4"]Next Week[/font]

We’re taking a couple of weeks off but when we come back we’ll explore some states that are heavily pro Joe and heavily pro Trump.


We are taking a short break next week, we’ll be back on July 15th with our first ever Top 10 Hot 10 Edition! See you in two weeks!

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