April 1, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-9: Rule 80: Don't Invite The Former President To Your Wedding Edition

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See you next week!

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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Round 1 Week 3
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome back everybody! Last week saw an epic battle as #3 Nevada handily routed #4 Iowa to advance to the Fiscal Irresponsibility Championship, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Idaho shot their way past #4 Oregon to advance to the conference finals! This week it’s a battle of conference heavyweights! Over in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, #1 Kansas takes on red hot #2 Wyoming to advance to play Nevada. And over in the Gun Nut Conference, last year’s reigning champion #1 Florida takes on #2 Texas to advance to the conference finals! This is going to be some really good matching, and let’s go to the floor!

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference: #1 Kansas vs #2 Wyoming [/font]

[font size="2"]Kansas [/font]


Kansas sits atop the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. It’s the home of several large corporations and large industries. Agriculture is of course the prime industry but did you know that Topeka is also home to one of the world’s richest companies? I’m of course talking about Koch Industries. Kansas is also home to some of the biggest corporations and food processing companies in the entire United States, including the anti-Coke, PepsiCo, and Frito Lay! Both of which are locking in an insane labor negotiation deal. Think of it like that episode of the Simpsons.





And with lots of jobs also comes lots of unemployment, which Kansas has IN DROVES! Yes that’s right – there’s a lot of unemployed people in the central part of the United States. And with massive unemployment also comes massive unemployment fraud. And unlike voter fraud, unemployment fraud is actually a real problem in this country. Although you would think more people would care about this subject, but they really don’t.





[font size="2"]Wyoming [/font]


Wyoming is a newcomer to the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. And they’re one of the hottest teams in the league for a good reason. If you have any rich friends, you may have heard them talking about moving to Wyoming and it’s mainly thanks to Wyoming’s current rich guy ambassador and former presidential candidate Kanye West. Resort towns in the Equality State are becoming playgrounds for America’s super rich because of the large plots of land available and they’re incredibly cheap because Wyoming is in a terrible recession. But really there’s more to it.





And here’s the thing people – keep electing republicans because it will ultimately come back to bite you in the ass. Hard. And not only that, the shit is coming around and it will ultimately affect them. See, Wyoming might be a current playground for the uber-wealthy but it’s hurting financially. For every outer beauty, there is an inner ugly. And this is probably the least ugly thing but it’s way worse than you would think!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

We have an upset! Wyoming knocks off Kansas to advance to the conference finals and play Nevada for the crown! Final score: 84 – 75! Kansas goes home and puts an end to a great season. Wyoming advances to their first Fiscal Irresponsibility championship!

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference: #1 Florida vs #2 Texas [/font]

[font size="2"]Florida [/font]

Florida was last years’ champion for one reason: Their MVP Ron DeSantis. Could he foster the first ever repeat in Stupidest State history? Only time will tell of course! But Florida not only has some ridiculously strong gun credentials, they also have strong Batshit credentials, making them a double contender in both categories. And again it’s all thanks to their current governor, Ron DeSantis. But remember in the Gun Nut Conference, the crazy doesn’t matter. Instead it’s how much heat you pack, and Florida – well they are packing lots and lots of heat!





And not only does Florida allow guns just about everywhere, they steal guns! Oh yes my friends, in case you’re wondering if Florida can’t sink any lower in terms of gun crime – let’s take into account that most gun crimes are committed with stolen weapons. Then let’s go further and report on Florida having the most stolen guns per capita in the United States. Yes that is correct! And it does not surprise us in the least!





[font size="2"]Texas [/font]

Ah what’s there to say about Texas, the Lone Star State? A reigning champion of the Gun Nut Conference and Stupidest State 2019 winner? Well not a whole lot. Texas has one of the largest concentrations of guns in the entire country and is conveniently located on the other side of the Gulf from Florida. Well remember during the Trump administration when people were complaining about those icky “sanctuary states” (which was really a racist call? Well Gov. Abbott wants to make Texas a “sanctuary state” for gun owners! Gee, what could go wrong there?





And not only does Texas not have to be careful with guns, they have a whopping 40 – that’s right – 40 legislative bills on the desk awaiting approval. Expect mass shootings to get *THAT* much worse in the Lone Star State. And I mean come on, what can you expect when Ted Cruz is your senator? And if you get caught with a gun even though you have a history of abuse in Texas? You just get nothing more than a slap on the wrist. They’re soft on guns in Texas. Ew, that sounded wrong.





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! This is one of the most hotly contested rivalries in the Gun Nut Conference! Texas has stunned Florida with 12 unanswered points on the board and they are going to move onto the Gun Nut Championship! Last year’s champions are not going to repeat this year! They are stunned on the floor! Final score: 103 – 91! Wow, what a match!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

It’s the final week of Round 1! And we’ve been saving the best for last as #1 Georgia takes on #2 Kentucky for the Batshit Conference crown, while over in the Family Values conference, #3 Mississippi takes on #4 Arkansas! The Elite 8 is shaping up and looking pretty interesting!


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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: Cinnamon Toast Shrimp
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Hey everyone! I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know that the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks and talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Well last week there was a bizarre and quite frankly one of the weirdest stories I’ve heard in a while. And it’s one that hits very shockingly close to home! Tell me virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Cinnamon Toast Beer? What is it? What the fuck is a “chunky IPA”? No thanks, I will take my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. Here’s what happened – podcaster Jensen Karp – who’s already a minor celebrity here in Los Angeles as part of a former morning radio show that used to air every day until the whole show was fired over the phone at the start of COVID, found shrimp in the box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch that he bought at Costco. Here’s how that went down:





Somehow I don’t think that’s enough! Man, I miss my audience! But anyways, so Mr. Karp found a pair of shrimp tails and some other unexpected prizes in his box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. What makes this even weirder is that General Mills’ corporate PR department offered a completely batshit crazy and totally expected response to the fiasco. And when I say “totally expected”, I mean the exact kind of bullshit PR move you would expect. And this thing then went viral. And I do mean completely viral.





Yeah that’s of course the solution is to live under the sea! And this inspired everything from people making their own Cinnamon Toast Shrimp to finding actual Cinnamon Toast Shrimp on the menus at restaurants. But here’s where it gets weird – as more places started picking up the story, the darker it, Mr. Karp is married to Danielle Fischel, who played the character of Topanga on Boy Meets World. But apparently being famous also has an ugly side and especially one that nobody expected from this. And it looks like anyone could have this happen to them if that’s where it goes.





But alas there is a lesson to be learned from all of this. Think of it like the famous Simpsons episode where Homer gets accused of sexual harassment and the more people picked up on the story, the crazier it got. But we can all learn from this and if you want a story to go viral, make sure that you don’t have any demons in your closet before you start turning on the thing that could potentially make you famous, because it could come back to bite you in the ass!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Q Anon Hot Takes
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Welcome back to the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! We’re of course coming to you live from our undisclosed underground bunker deep in the heart of the New Mexico badlands! This week we’re going to talk about the world’s biggest conspiracy – Q Anon, which is the cultivation of all of the BS endured under the Donald J. Trump administration come to a peak. This week, I think Q Anon might need more to do. But sadly for a lot of people, this is not only their hobby, but their way of life. This week I’m sure everybody knew where they were when they heard that one of the world’s largest containerships, Boaty McBoatface, er, I mean the Ever Given, was stuck between the walls of the Suez Canal. Well, here’s the original story and even that’s crazy by crazy standards and we wish we were making this up!





No! No need to abandon ship just yet! Now here’s where it gets weird. Of course Q Anon followers would float conspiracy theories about the disaster – especially when your fuck-up is so huge that it’s visible from space. But that didn’t stop Q Anon followers from going there. And by going there, I mean they blamed the whole thing on Hillary Clinton. And they also suspected the boat might be trafficking children. Yes, that is a thing that happened. It’s completely insane. But not really that far from the course for Q Anon cultists.





That’s right! The theory got so bizarre and crazy that actual news outlets had to employ real-life fact checkers to get to the bottom of this scandal. I mean shit, our janky little operation here could have told you that! No, Hillary Clinton is *NOT* trafficking children from Dubai to Europe through container ships traveling through the Suez Canal. Or is she? And my producer is throwing things at the stage!





And by the way remember that Nashville bombing last November? Q Anon thought that Lizard People were involved. Yes, actual, bonafied, real life lizard people. You seriously cannot get much crazier than that. The funny thing is that they, and only they, are talking about this. So if you want wild theories, then Q Anon is the group for you! But if you’re into Q Anon, you’re probably not listening to our shit, either!





There really is a Gif for everything! Even with our budget of zero, we can still find some freaking hilarious shit out there. But here’s the thing about Q Anon – is that they do network. And when they network, things get really insane. And if you want to delve into the mind of Q Anon supporters, there’s a convention! Yes, an actual real life convention! I can just imagine the halls and panels that they will have at such a convention.







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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing: Coal Rolling
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week: Coal Rolling. How is this still a thing? Coal Rolling, or as some lower class individuals call it, “Prius Repellent” first came into prominence in the early 2010s. The process involves modifying the mechanical and software filters on the diesel engines of large trucks in order for them to be able to spew out as much black smoke as possible and to “trigger” the owners of much more environmentally responsible vehicles, such as a Prius or Tesla. Doing so not only voids the manufacturer’s warranty of your $80,000 truck, it might also be illegal. The practice came back into play when last week, the hot mic of a Southwest Airlines pilot went viral after a flight to San Francisco International airport. Here’s how that played out:





That’s right – that rant included a section about Hyundais to which the pilot really hated and thinks that coal rolling is a much better way to go. But that got many people wondering – how is coal rolling still a thing in an age when car and truck manufacturers are switching to all electric engines? Well this comes at a time when the US government and the EPA are going to start cracking down on the process of coal rolling.





Yes, obviously. Do you think breathing heaping loads of black smoke might be harmful to your lungs and the environment? We all know the answer to that one. But this is just another watermark in the chapter on “assholes being assholes and being proud of their assholishness”. Because while most people are becoming increasingly more environmentally conscious, some out there have taken the exact opposite direction. One thing most who practice the process of rolling coal though are unaware of, is that cars like the Tesla Model Y have cameras. And they see things.





So coal rolling is illegal in most parts of the country. But coal rolling is only part of the problem, a lot of the problem can be traced back to toxic masculinity, which is a root problem for most of the ills of modern society. In fact as pickup trucks became larger, the owners of these trucks began flaunting their ability to pollute. And that became a symbol of totalitarian rule. But if you do roll coal, be prepared to have a whole lot of people hate you.





So coal rolling is just another form of trolling, and if you tell people not to do it, that only makes them want to do it more. That’s enough to make you ask – Coal Rolling:





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know… they say that SAYTAN gets a bad rap these days and why wouldn’t he? I mean he is the LAWRD of darkness and the ruler of all things that are awful and horrible in this world. And he was also in charge of the White House from the years 2016 – 2020, but that’s neither here nor there. I had something very different planned for this week but we’ll save that for another sermon. Instead this week, we have to talk about Satanic Shoes. Yes, these are apparently a thing that my elders have told me exists! And they were marketed and sold by rapper Lil Nas X, who is a 20 year old gay black man who loves to troll right wing Christian fundamentalists, which is something that we highly encourage here. But I can only speak for me. Let’s let these insane shoes speak for themselves!





Now in this case, he actually does! Literally in fact! Because if you walk on a pair of these shoes, you are literally walking on SAYTAN himself! Now what’s symbolic about selling Satan themed sneakers out of 666 pairs each containing drops of human blood in them, you might ask? Well there’s a whole lot of symbolism and it’s easy to get lost in it. We here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 of course will take this time to remind you that we’re on the side of GAWD and JAYSUS!





Yes, you mere mortals! You will silence your faith in the presence of the almighty SAYTAN! But who is the real SAYTAN in this case? Is it the guy who is selling the sneakers or is it the giant corporation who thinks they are taking advantage of them? Well if I am playing devil’s advocate here (HA!) then I would say it’s more the latter than the former. Especially when the latter is suing the former for copyright infringement. Yeah you can sell SAYTAN themed sneakers, just expect to get hit with a lawsuit when you do!





Oh now lighten up Gov. Noem! Not everything needs to be taken that seriously! This comes at a time when the Church of SAYTAN is attempting to gain acceptance. I mean come on, you literally worship the devil here. But in spite of everything those who worship the DEVIL are actively having a sense of humor about themselves. And I know, when you take the LAWRD of Darkness seriously, you got to have a good laugh at the situation, am I right?





Well Nike may not endorse these sneakers, but the Church Of SAYTAN does, and I’ll take that endorsement, thank you! Virtual mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates

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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



A war is being fought right now. But it’s not being fought with bullets. And it’s not being fought in a war zone. It’s being fought online. The battlefield is your social media feeds – Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. The weapons aren’t guns and tanks. The weapons are memes, posts, and targeted advertising. The goal of this war? It’s to discredit use of vaccines. This comes at a time when the Centers For Disease Control has stressed the utter importance of the use of vaccines in order to end the COVID-19 pandemic. In fact the CDC themselves has said that anti-vaccination crusaders are becoming an inherent danger to society. So who is driving anti-vaccine content? Well it might surprise you to learn that only a very small handful of people are in control of most of Facebook’s anti-vaccine content. The media has dubbed these people the “Disinformation Dozen”.





So just like in real life, the trouble makers get around the rules and are able to flaunt disinformation and wild conspiracy theories online. And not only do they let the BS like this flourish, they plant seeds and watch it grow. And that’s why it’s not only become a public nuisance, but a threat to national public health and even national security! It’s time to start policing this content better, but we have learned the more you try to take it away, the more they go elsewhere.





And in case you’re wondering if the Disinformation Dozen is going away anytime soon, Facebook has been resisting calls to ban these people. But they haven’t. And not only are they not going away, they’re selling t-shirts. You can’t kill the beast because it will regroup just like the Terminator. Then the beast becomes much stronger and harder to kill. But the Disinformation Dozen needs to go away and they need to be held accountable.





So what is Facebook doing about the Disinformation Dozen? Well as you can imagine they are quite literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Instead of just flat-out banning them, Facebook is doing to anti-vaxxer posts what Twitter did to posts coming from @realDonaldTrump. Since they can’t effectively police the content, they are putting warning posts. So yes if they say you’ve been warned, take that literally.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Ted Cruz
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So… our 46th president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden, is good. He’s too good. He’s doing his job instead of spending 56 hours a week watching TV and eating Big Macs in bed. He’s probably the first president we’ve had that could be considered “scandal-proof”. And when you’re now 70 days into the new presidency (and what seems like 70 years now, am I right?), and you don’t have a scandal to your name yet, what do you do? Well if you’re Fox News and you’re desperate for any kind of feces you can fling at the new president, you make one up! And that’s exactly what’s happening at the Mexican border – even though you can literally blame everything that’s happening now on the last guy (and that’s exactly what the last guy did). But this current “scandal” at the border is quite literally the stuff of insanity, led by – you guessed it – Ted Cruz. And I think we have actual footage of his trip to the border.





Excuse me a minute… that was actually footage of the Jungle Cruise ride from Disneyland. Here’s an actual picture of Ted Cruz’s trip to the border:

https://twitter.com/jeremynewberger/status/1375486233812549646

So is this the part of the Jungle Cruise where Ted gets mauled by a man-eating Cougar? I think I missed that part of the ride! Oh I kid, I kid! One thing I am not kidding about: them making the whole thing up, I mean where the hell were they three years ago? Oh that’s right they were blaming the whole thing on the last guy – Obama (see: Top 10 #5-2 ). And it gets weirder, my friends, because they literally make everything out to be that way!





Uh… Sen. Cruz this is an Arby’s! But here’s my favorite part – when you’re a conservative and you’re turned away for attempting to “expose” someone, where do you go? Why you turn to your favorite outlet to complain on – Fox News! And that’s exactly what Teddy did when he was turned away attempting to film one of the camps. And again, I ask with all seriousness – where the hell were you 3 years ago when Trump was locking people away?





Again that’s not actual footage of Ted’s trip to the border, that’s footage from the Blair Witch Project, and you could probably interchange the two and no one would really notice. And by the way he wasn’t really taunted so much as he was asked to leave. If you really want to see taunting in action, I think the French castle guard from Monty Python & The Holy Grail is available!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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So remember that movie Wedding Crashers? You know the tale of that movie – Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson play two enterprising bachelors whose social lives involve being uninvited guests of weddings of people who they don’t know. Well this is that in real life, and it involves the guy who was formerly the world’s biggest Twitter troll, Donald J. Trump. Yes, the guy who we inexplicably once called president and a guy who could attract giant arenas full of people, had the Spinal Tap treatment and now he’s reduced to being the main evening’s entertainment at weddings held at Mar-A-Shithole. So yeah that is a thing that happened. Of course in Florida where we can still have weddings, there was one at Mar-A-Shithole last week and of course he happened to show up.





Let’s make this Rule 80: Don’t invite the former president to your wedding. Is there a rule 80? I am not sure it’s been a while since I have seen that movie. Though one thing though – if you’re crashing a wedding that Trump is also crashing, at least all the attention won’t be on you being there, and you can probably score some free drinks and hit on the bridesmaids. I mean come on that happens at every wedding does it not?





Yeah no, that speech does not deserve that kind of response! Instead it deserves the Looney Tunes style cane yanking Trump off the stage! And here’s the thing, asshole, no – we do not miss you! In fact that’s why we kicked your sorry ass out of office and impeached you twice! Seriously, have I mentioned how much I think Trump is a colossal asshole? No? Well it can’t be said enough, and I still stand by my claim that he does not make it to 2024.





Yeah so seriously, fuck that guy. And I mean really right now if you book a wedding at Mar-A-Shithole, it should be expected that he’s going to show up. He’s got no social media outlets to project his outrage to the world so I guess he’s going to use events at Mar-A-Shithole now. There’s also his now weekly pity parties on Fox News to look forward to. Ugh, just like COVID, we may never get rid of Spongeblob.







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[font size="8"]The NRA
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Oh wrong intro, but that is a preview for next week – we are bringing back our favorite segment, Good Guys With Guns! So I guess now that COVID is slowly fading into the background, America can get back to the other virus that is killing people in ridiculously large numbers and sending the ones who survive to overloaded emergency rooms. Mass shootings! We’ve had two horrific ones in a week – one in Atlanta, and one in Colorado. And a near attempt in Atlanta as well! While all of that is going on, the NRA is attempting to overturn open carry laws and getting more guns into as many hands as possible. And this is coming from people who have tried to literally market firearms as fashion accessories! Seriously does the NRA think that we’re fucking dumb or do they really think that more guns is the answer? Oh who am I kidding! Of course they do!





Oh come on 9th circuit! What part of “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED!!!!” do you not understand? And by the way this comes at a time when a survey that was conducted says that Americans have very little faith in America’s gun laws and say that they won’t do anything to stop mass shootings. And last year’s riots in the wake of the death of George Floyd? Guess what? They caused a massive gun buying spree. And if you’re shocked by this, you’ve turned to the wrong fucking program!





But here’s what makes this ruling even sweeter is that the appointees who overturned this ruling were during the Bush and Trump years! Oh my god! If they had that kind of influence on our voting laws, then maybe there is hope for America! I mean remember when it seemed like mass shooting after mass shooting turned America into a shithole country under Trump (see: Top 10 #4-8? Yeah let’s see them explain their way out of that one!





Don’t worry gun nuts – we’re a long way from overturning the 2nd amendment and that will probably never happen in this country. We live in a country where guns literally have more rights than the people they kill do. But there is a bad side to this – while we may celebrate this minor victory in the war on guns, the war on packing heat is about to heat up! And by “heat up” we mean “expect SCOTUS to start reviewing gun related cases soon!”.







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[font size="8"]Brian Kemp
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In all seriousness I’m about to ask this question – are republicans having a contest among themselves to see who can be the worst human being in the world? As if Georgia’s Brian Kemp is bad enough, there’s Nebraska’s Pete Ricketts, there’s South Dakota’s Kristi Noem, there’s Tate Reeves of Mississippi and of course Ron DeSantis of Florida. But really this is about Brian Kemp. And I say this with literally about as much seriousness as I possibly can muster – FUCK YOU, Brian Kemp. After Trump goes and screams voter fraud for four months while his cronies go and literally fling their feces at the Capitol, you attempt to make voting in this country that much harder. Meanwhile it’s really easy to buy a gun. Where are your priorities, man? Oh wait that’s right – I forgot! He doesn’t have any!





That is a jaw-dropping and stunning level of pure evil. The thing is, we had the election with the highest voter turnout in history and an election where you’d literally have greater odds of winning the Powerball than you would finding an actual case of real voter fraud in this country. And this is counting the ones made up in Sean Hannity’s head. But one things is for sure is that it has businesses and supporters scrambling to find support for Georgia after this, including the state’s largest employer!





Oh sure now you walk back your statements! But only when it hits you in the one place you actually feel it – your wallet! Now that aside, with MLB players and fans petitioning the league to move the 2021 All Star Game out of Atlanta, to Disney fans petitioning Marvel to cease filming and production in the state of Georgia… it’s insane. And well deserved. But the shit hasn’t quite hit the fan yet but we will expecting it to in the next few weeks.





But here’s the thing – before you get your underwear in a wad, make sure to read the whole articles before you start getting outraged, we can’t stress that enough. Yes, the Georgia voter laws are some of the most extreme we’ve seen in a century. But is it a return to the Jim Crow era? Maybe, maybe not, we don’t know! What it is though is a slap in the face to those of us who were responsible for voting during the pandemic, and even beyond when the pandemic is no longer a thing.






So where do we begin this week? In the #1 spot this week is the governor of Georgia, Brian Kemp (1). In case you’re wondering whether or not Gov. Kemp is a psychopathic douchebag, just look at what he did to Georgia’s right to vote, and we expect this will go to SCOTUS relatively soon. Taking the second slot this week is the NRA (2). After yet *ANOTHER* mass shooting, this time at a Colorado grocery store, the NRA gets shot down (ha!) at the 9th Circuit level over concealed carry laws, dealing a huge blow to their otherwise already tarnished agenda. In the 3rd slot this week is our old buddy, former Twitter troll @realDonaldTrump (3) and he’s gone from playing in huge arenas to crashing weddings and it’s quite spectacular! In the 4th slot, on the somewhat lighter side of the news is the Suez Canal fail (4) over one of the world’s largest container ships getting stuck between the waters! Someone’s getting fired! In the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week, a shocking study found that just 12 people are responsible for nearly 75% of Facebook’s anti-vaxxer content and we are going to take a look behind the scenes at anti-vax propaganda! In the #6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) - rapper Lil’ Nas X released a line of Satan-themed sneakers containing a drop of human blood in them – and all 666 pairs sold out in less than 10 minutes! What does this mean for the future of devil worshipping? In the #7 slot this week, after a Southwest pilot gets caught saying some hateful things about liberals, cars, and coal rolling, we ask – “Coal Rolling: How Is This Still A Thing?”. In the 8th slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner – Q Anon has some hot takes on the news and they’re getting nuttier and crazier, and it’s everything you expect from them! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new “I Need A Drink” and this week podcaster Jensen Karp made a shocking discovery after he bought a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at Costco and discovered shrimp tales in one of the bags! Not only that, the response from General Mills is some very cringe-worthy stuff! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State! This week it’s Round 1 Week 3 and it’s a battle of Fiscal Irresponsibility heavyweights as #1 Kansas takes on red hot #2 Wyoming, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #1 Texas takes on #2 Florida! This is going to be quite the epic battle! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!



Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! We’re still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future. Though this week because it’s that day, we are changing our blue background to whatever pops up on our Windows login screen. First it’s the city of Hong Kong, then it looks like a closeup of a grasshopper… and do we really need a Tucker reaction cam for this one? Come on! OK I brought this on myself! Seriously, Tucker, stop staring at me like that! People keep asking me where is the Wheel of Corruption? Well I assure you the wheel is safe and at some point we will be bringing it out of the vault. But it’s one of those things that requires audience participation. Though next week I might bring back some of our patented clips without context, because I’ve been missing those lately. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. So I ask you this my fair audience - how is Chet Hanks related to his dad Tom? I mean Tom’s one of the greatest guys in the world. But then there’s Chet Hanks. We may have to explore this in a bit more detail next week because this video is certifiably insane. And I say this as a white male myself – do we really need more “white boy” culture? Is that where we are at in 2021? Look I know everyone including myself missed having a proper summer last year but we’ll get back to that this year. But this is definitely toxic Barstool Sports culture at its’ most toxic. I know he’s going after Megan Thee Stallion here, and I personally couldn’t give less of a shit, but since 2020 didn’t happen we have a lot of making up time, and come on, what’s worse than a rich, privileged white boy who is the son of a famous movie star complaining that his “culture” isn’t being respected? I mean shit you might as well recite the 14 words while you’re at it. What? Suddenly that’s going too far? Even Tucker thinks this is going way too far! Yeah I know we’ve all been cooped up way too long! Fuck you COVID-19! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first here’s a clip of a guy saying that Trump has been secretly ruling everyone:

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-9: Rule 80: Don’t Invite The Former President To Your Wedding Edition


Happy April Fools Day! See you next week!

March 25, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-8: So You Had A Bad Day Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-8: So You Had A Bad Day Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! We’re still coming to you live from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future. And this blue void just turned 1 year old this week. And I never thought I would say this to a 1 year old but I hope you stop fucking existing fucking soon! OK I had to get that off my chest. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do, it’s my show! I make the rules! You know we can all agree that the pandemic has sucked balls, am I right about that? But you know one thing that it’s been absolutely great for? The American liquor industry! I know, right? Well of course we’re staying at home because we can’t go out and hang out at bars or anything. There was a new report saying last year that we bought more booze than at any point in the last 200 years. Not to mention drinking on the job has increased like 100 fold. That is insane. While we’re all sitting on our webcams waiting for life to return to normal again, we’re at least drinking our way out of the pandemic! So I guess does that mean when we return to the office again we will also be returning to rehab centers? I kid, I kid! But yeah go ahead, replace your coffee with an Irish coffee while you read this! I won’t judge! I’m drinking right now, in fact! OK that is enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Bill Maher is back and he tells people that it's time to chill the fuck out:



Where do we begin this week? Well it’s not normally the Top 10 policy to make fun of tragedy but when there’s a mass shooting in Atlanta (1), and the police are doing literally everything they can to cover up the real reasons why it happened, we have to talk about it! Taking the second slot this week is the former 45th president of the United States, Vladimir Putin (2). Is it wise for him to pick a fight with President Biden? Well I can assure you that this will not end well! In the #3 slot this week is our favorite Q Anon Congress critter Marjorie Taylor Greene (3). Greene got herself banned from Twitter for being a pompous asshole (again) while more conservatives including Mike Lindell and Donald Trump are going to start their own conservative friendly social media sites. Yay, more shit I won’t subscribe to! Speaking of Donald J. Trump (4), the former president is occupying the 4th space this week. He’s having a week which includes a shocking expose about the state of his 757, his possible prosecution in New York for massive tax fraud, and Mar-A-Shithole got closed for COVID violations. Yay! Taking the #5 slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re going to take a look at a problem that’s unique to the city of Oakland – abandoned and torched cars are being left in prominent places, but is it a racist symbol? You bet your ass it is! In the #6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to take a look at the more addicting side of religion after former Korn guitarist Brian “Head” Welch made a shocking claim that his embrace of hardcore religion was like a drug to him. In the #7 slot this week, we’re going to bring back our segment “Aw, It’s Not So Bad”. Hey, white male conservatives, if you’re complaining about Cardi B’s performance of WAP that was basically a live lesbian sex scene set to music, then would you mind if I took a look at your Porn Hub searches? No? I thought so! Taking the 8th slot this week we have a new addition to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected (8) and this week we’re adding Arizona representative Paul Gosar (Q-Batshit) to that ever-growing list! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new People Are Dumb and we occasionally (read: frequently) like to check in with the Sunshine State in a special all Florida edition! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2021! This week it’s Round 1 Week 2 and we have a showdown of Fiscal Irresponsibility favorites as #3 Nevada goes for broke against #4 Iowa, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, interstate rivals #3 Oregon brings their big guns to the dance against #4 Idaho! Two of these teams will move on, the others go home! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Atlanta Shooting
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Sigh… well I guess now that COVID is subsiding, America can get back to the other epidemic that’s sending Americans to the hospitals in large numbers. Mass shootings! No, that’s nothing to cheer about, fake audience. But this one it appears is quite different. And I’m not talking about the way that when a white male commits a mass shooting in America that people start making excuses for everything but his whiteness and the gun that he used. The other thing is that this shooting one could say is *DIRECTLY* tied to the racist rhetoric coming from our former president. Yeah remember all those times he hurled racist slurs at the pandemic and called it “the China Virus”? That’s had a real effect here.





Gee, you think? Now here’s where it gets fucking weird. Remember that Jewish synagogue shooting and the cops brought the killer some Burger King? Yeah think of it like that scenario. But really poor baby, he had a bad day! I know, cue the song!



You know what? We all have bad days and I’ve particularly had bad fucking days since the calendar day of March 13th, 2020. But you know what my bad days don’t involve? They don’t involve buying a gun and using it to go on a fucking killing spree!!





Oh fuck off!!!! We all have bad days, made even worse in the last year! You know what I don't do on a bad day? Buy a gun and murder 8 people working in salons! Just seriously... fuck off! Thank you my fake audience! But here’s the thing – it wasn’t racism that fueled this crime. Oh no, it was – wait for it – his sexual addiction! Oh and our good friends at Right Wing Watch have pointed out that some right wing bloggers didn’t take long to make a “happy ending” joke in regards to the shootings. Classy.





Yeah that’s a great idea – give a guy a gun, an addiction, and an excuse to cross state lines. Now I know what you’re thinking – that’s the most fucked up game of Mad Libs ever! Oh and in case you’re wondering if this gets weirder – oh believe me it does! Remember back at the beginning of this when I said that Trump might have been responsible? Well the arresting officer had promoted t-shirts calling it the “China Virus” on his Facebook page! It’s the circle of shit and it screws us all!






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[font size="8"]Joe Biden Vs Vladimir Putin
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It’s time for another episode of Celebrity Deathmatch! This time in this corner, the 46th president of the United States. He’s 78 years old and in much better shape than the guy before him, Joseph R. Biden! In this corner, he is the 3 term Russian president who will soon become the country’s permanent dictator, the master of internet propaganda, Vladimir Putin! So this week, Biden finally nails Putin on his internet disinformation campaign! And here’s the thing – when tensions between the two countries are already at an all time high, the last thing you want to do is set off what could be a literal and proverbial powder keg just waiting to go off. Because that could be disastrous. After all Putin was in charge of the US for the last four years. What could go wrong?





No we’re not going that far yet. But so far Biden has the advantage here. However, this segment is about the former president of the United States, Vladimir Putin. Well, here’s one thing I will admit – Putin has some balls. And one thing – when he’s called a killer, Putin doesn’t back down. Oh no, my friends, he doubles down! And he quite literally wears it on his sleeve. I mean we’re treading into some serious Mr. Burns territory here! Think of this like Wolves In Wolves’ Clothing.





Well as you can imagine this might have sparked the proverbial powder keg. And Biden may be the adult in the room, but as you can imagine you know the old saying “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”. So China is jumping at the opportunity to be Russia’s new ally. Gee, really, what could possibly go wrong there? No, we’re not heading into Soviet territory yet. No, don’t push that button!





Now here’s why Biden’s call may have rattled Putin a bit. It seems in Russia, they take childhood insults just a bit too literally there. Man, I am glad that Trump’s insults didn’t stick. Can you imagine Adam Schiff being called “Lil’ Shifty Schiff” for the rest of his life? Yeah maybe that’s part of their problem – they have a huge manhood problem in Russia. Maybe if they didn’t take this stuff so seriously things might be better. But that’s a pretty big “might”.






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Taylor Greene
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Here’s the thing, conservatives – if you don’t want to be canceled, maybe don’t put yourself in a place where you could be canceled! You can’t just say crazy shit and spew racist conspiracy theories without it coming back to bite you. And before you ask, yes, I have been watching HBO’s new Q Anon docuseries and it’s every bit as crazy as you can imagine. Now this is where the subject of our next entry comes in, and that’s Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). And you know what the really scary thing with the Q trolls is? Every time we ban them, that only gives them more fuel for the fire. But that’s what makes people like Marjorie Greene get crazier with each thing that comes their way. It’s almost like they live for it.





Yeah remember when their plan to “unleash the kraken” turned out to be nothing more than a dead squid thrown onto the ice at Red Wings games? Oh these people are so freaking hilarious. They get knocked down, and they get knocked down again. You’re never going to keep them down. But what makes this even crazier is that this isn’t the first time that Marjorie Greene has been banned from Twitter. This happened back in January.





Excuse me a minute… But here’s the thing Q bots and Trump fans – and I say this with the utmost sincerity – if you’re not fit for Twitter, you shouldn’t be fit for public office. In fact this happened after Marjorie Greene got elected – Twitter flagged a whole bunch of her Tweets as “misleading”. And by a “whole bunch”, we mean “almost half”. And this is fucking shocking. Well not really, but it should at least be alarming to anyone who has a brain.





Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. Like I said if you don’t want to be canceled, stop doing things that will get you canceled, you stupid idiot! It’s not that hard! And the thing is if you keep getting banned, that’s on you! I don’t want to say we helped with that, but yeah we kind of helped with that. But anyway this latest ban was only temporary… or was it?






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Last I checked the 45th president of the United States is still the world’s biggest loser. He’s the biggest loser, no one loses better than he does! But specifically there were two stories that I wanted to touch on this week. The first is his private jet. Remember the golden 757 that he flew in during the campaign while he gorged on buckets of KFC? Can we show that? In what might be one of the sadder “where are they now” episodes ever, let’s check in on the condition of Trump’s plane now. It’s currently sitting abandoned in an airport hangar in upstate New York. And it doesn’t look like it will be flying anytime soon. What’s crazy about this is that it’s perfectly on brand for Trump. Well maybe it’s not that crazy.





And that’s probably about the appropriate reaction from Trump too. I mean having your own fully tricked out 757 should be the ultimate symbol of your wealth right? Well just like most things Trump throws away in the trash – including umbrellas, Big Mac wrappers, and pieces of toilet paper stuck to his shoe, the 757 ends up in an airplane graveyard. And nobody really cares, either. Especially him, though when has he shown he cares about anything?





Yeah well, switching gears, something else that bears Trump’s name that will most likely end up in the trash is his new social media site that he’s been “working on”. And I say “working on” with quotation marks is because when has he ever been known to do any real, actual work? Well it’s going to launch soon and it’s going to compete with the already hundreds of radical , right wing communities out there like Parler, Gab, Dlive, Telegram, and Mike Lindell’s new Pillow Talk app.





Aw… how cute! He thinks it’s going to be a game changer! Well here’s the cold, hard, economic news for you buddy – this is what’s known as a “perfectly competitive” market. There are hundreds of products in the social media realm now that all offer almost literally the same product – posting your shit. And come on, at least some posters on Gab are more realistic about how it’s going to do than Trump is. Seriously… I mean WTF???






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Oakland’s Abandoned Car Problem
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!

This week the city of Oakland is experiencing a very unique problem. Abandoned, torched, and stripped cars are being left aft the side of freeways everywhere. But is it a problem because of the city’s skyrocketing homeless problem or is it because of another problem that the city rarely talks about – a seedy racist underbelly? Well some say that it’s a combination of both. If you drive on the freeways in the city of Oakland, you won’t see what’s going on underneath. But underneath has something that is reminiscent of a post-apocalyptic movie – abandoned and scorched cars that were formerly luxury vehicles. But the problem has been persisting for some time and is now becoming an epidemic that authorities are having trouble dealing with.





That is a good question and we don’t know the answer. In fact what makes this problem unique is that these abandoned cars aren’t always abandoned. What makes this even stranger is that these cars are often what police and investigators consider to be “trap” cars – that is cars that are left with loaded firearms and drugs and are left for authorities to find, and for criminals to ambush them. Yes, think of this like a more horrifying mafia movie.





So there’s many questions that are arising from this. Is it because it’s a crime problem? Is it because there’s a systemic racism problem? Is it because there’s all of the above happening? Well the answer for this isn’t easy and there’s plenty of explanation but none of it is the right explanation that we are looking for. But Oakland is wondering if some districts are actually treated better than others.





What makes this problem even more troublesome is that this isn’t the first time Oakland has attempted to clear the city of abandoned cars. The last time this was attempted was in 2018 when a record 350 cars were found on city streets and underneath the freeways. But the truth of the problem is that nobody knows where abandoned cars will wind up and many of them end their life as abandoned.






This is it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! This week I have a rather perplexing puzzle to ask – is religion really addicting? I ask because I ran across an interview last week that made me go “WTF?”. That interview happened to feature the former guitarist for the band Korn. But we’re here to look at the more positive side of this interview. After all, what Mr. Welch did was just trade one vice for another, which is the cornerstone of nearly all rehab programs. But that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want now is it? If you’re going to decide that religion is the right thing for your life, maybe you shouldn’t make a grand spectacle of it. I may be this virtual presence right now, but I do respect that one’s religion is one’s choosing, and that says so right in our Good Book!





Now that’s how it started. But let’s get a clarification on this one. Because when you say something that controversial, it has the tendency to you know, get completely blown out of proportion. And by the way I love that he went on a podcast called “No Fuckin Regrets” to express his regrets. But here’s the thing though – we forgive here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10, especially if one can turn around their extremist beliefs!





Now here’s the thing – religion can be addicting and it can also be really addicting. I mean have you seen the kinds of shows that some churches have been putting on? My GAWD, boys and girls some of those shows are just absolute spectacles. Especially if you go to a megachurch the size of a stadium! And I can’t help but be too alarmed when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla! But it works both ways, don’t you know?





But in fact, my fair virtual congregation, there can be hope! Let’s ask someone who is still involved with extreme religion. That man is Phil Vischer, who is the creator of the popular children’s series about talking vegetables called “Veggietales”, which you might remember from seeing a cross promotion at your local Chik-Fil-A. But I do agree with his wording, calling religion a “hot mess”. I mean have you seen preachers lately? It’s insane!





Well I think the thing we’ve learned today is that religion can be addicting, but don’t treat it like an addiction and take things too far. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Aw, It’s Not So Bad
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Guys, let’s have a talk, man on man. OK that’s probably poor phrasing. But here’s the thing – if you feel threatened by Cardi B’s WAP performance at the Grammys, which was really just a live lesbian sex show set to music, then I guess you wouldn’t mind if I took a look at your Porn Hub searches would you? You know, it’s not so bad! At least that’s what we think. But if you turned on the Fox News outrage machine, you’d think that the shit would hit the morality fan. You know what? Art is art! Cardi B’s performance is really art. Sure, it’s art you find offensive, but let’s face it, people getting outraged about art is a thing going all the way back to when the fucking Sistine Chapel was constructed! And you know the most preserved parts of that are? The ones that were covered up. True story! OK getting off topic here. My favorite part of this misdirected outrage so far has to come from Jon Cooper, the far right lead singer of Christian rock band Skillet. Who by the way - did you know that he has his own podcast? And it's quite literally the stuff of pure insanity.





Oh sure, it starts out innocently enough – two attractive female singers have a sexually suggestive performance of a song about vaginas at a major award show, next they’re taking over Europe, invading Poland, and killing 6 million people! Makes sense! Ah come on, Jon, it’s not so bad. As if that wasn’t enough, Tucker Carlson had to chime in. Seriously they’re getting into “won’t somebody think of the children” territory, aren’t they?





Aw come on Candace, it’s not so bad! Stop trying to find outrage where there isn’t any. If you want to find perversion in America, how about looking at our former president? Yeah I thought so! You can’t be a fan of a guy who committed some unbelievable sex atrocities, then be outraged at Cardi B’s performance, you can’t have it both ways! I mean come on after we had four years of Trump, there is nothing you can say or do that would get me outraged about this kind of stuff. Or can there?





Yeah when will Cardi B ever get to perform WAP live? And come on let’s face it – the Grammys are fucking boring! Especially in 2021 when it’s a damn Zoom call! Remember that scene in the Naked Gun when the professor is giving a lecture on renewable energy and the entire crowd is asleep, then he wakes them by reading softcore porn? Yeah this is kind of like that! If you saw this and are still complaining about it a week later, hand in your man card! Come on, it’s not so bad!






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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Paul Gosar
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week – Paul Gosar. He’s a Congressional representative from Arizona’s 4th district. This includes the city of Prescott, where many of Arizona’s elite reside. So you know what that says about Arizona’s elite, and there might be a bit of racism in this state. And Paul Gosar is helping to fuel some of the more insane theories about American racism. So much in fact that he appeared at a rally for a white nationalist who actually celebrated the takeover of the US Capitol on January 6th. That’s right – people actually celebrated this, while the entire world was horrified. This is what one might call “sociopathic behavior”. And in fact Paul Gosar is not only aiding and abetting extremists, he’s also participating among them.





And in case you’re wondering if this gets worse, oh boy does this get worse! In fact his own siblings say that he’s a raging white supremacist. Here’s the thing maybe you should, we don’t know, maybe live your life in such a way that your own siblings don’t call you out for your racism. In fact he’s such a racist that the people of Arizona’s fourth district have launched a campaign to have the representative removed from power, similar to the way that Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene could be expelled.





Well maybe more than a little. In fact he’s so extreme that he’s too extreme for the Trump administration’s favorite scheming conniver Ali Alexander, the guy who organized those “Stop The Steal” rallies. When caught at the Captiol Riot, Mr. Alexander pulled more than a few name drops when he outed who his contacts were. One such representative on his hit list? That’s right – our subject in question, Paul Gosar.





Except he really isn’t. But he’s still a terrible person. But Paul Gosar isn’t the only extremist in the GOP’s Congressional ranks. This is also a party where representatives like Lauren Boebert, Louis Gohmert, Steve King, and Marjorie Taylor Greene reside. So how does one root out extremists in the party? Well part of this is admitting that the problem exists. At least it will be a start for trying to get these people out of our government.





That’s Arizona’s openly racist representative Paul Gosar. Yet another politician who inexplicably joins the ever-growing ranks of:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb: All Florida Edition
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And occasionally we like to check in with the Sunshine State, the great state of Florida, because they always have ridiculously stupid and crazy people, and we love them for that. And most of our articles in this come from the Twitter account @Floridaman_ account as well as other sources that pop up from time to time. I want to start with this story out of Boca Raton. So here’s the thing – you just bought a house. I get it, you have no money to buy anything else. But seriously take out a credit card or do something, just don’t get caught stealing! Yeah I know, cue Jane’s Addiction!





Next up – OK this guy gets the award for greatest teacher ever. OK not really. Man in high school all I got was anti-drug lectures telling us why we shouldn’t smoke weed. Even weirder is that his wife is also a teacher and a stoner! You know what they say – the family that smokes together stays together! At least one can only hope. Just don’t put yourself in a situation where you can get arrested.





Next up: This story has everything! We go to the city of Leigh Acres for this one. No don’t cue the Green Acres theme song for this one. But here’s the thing – if you’re caught naked jumping on a trampoline maybe don’t enter the house unclothed. We’re just saying. And there might be a reason as to why Florida is often referred to as the “penis of America”. Or as Homer Simpson has famously called it, “America’s wang”.





Next up: If you’re going to hide from the authorities, maybe don’t do it in a place where you could easily be found. So this guy went and hid… in a dryer. That’s right – a dryer. And I’m sure there’s probably about a million puns I could make for this one, but let’s cue the Radiohead song and say that he’s quite literally high and dry. Ha, bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?





Finally this week we have to talk about this story, and we may have to do an entire People Are Dumb just dedicated to this one story. But this has everything and I can’t say that enough. This guy found a double, literally stole an election, and then got caught. I cannot wait to see a movie made about this because I’m sure it will be magical. Too bad Fred Willard isn’t alive anymore to play that role, because he’d be a perfect sleazebag.





That’s it this week for People Are Dumb!




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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Round 1 Week 2
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome back! The competition is heating up once again! Last week we had a great first round showdown as Michigan routed hot newcomer South Dakota to advance to the Elite 8, while over in the Family Values Conference, Indiana’s last minute buzzer beater knocked off Ohio to advance in the Flyover League! This week it’s a battle of the #3s and #4s as this week Fiscal Irresponsibility heavyweights Nevada and Iowa go for broke, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, it’s an inter-state rivalry as #3 Oregon brings their big guns to the dance against #4 Idaho!

[font size="4"]Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference Round 1: Nevada Vs Iowa [/font]

[font size="2"]Nevada [/font]


Gambling rules the Silver State, whether your vice is Caesar’s on the North side of the Las Vegas Strip, or MGM on the South side of the Strip. Or maybe your vice is the Golden Nugget over in the carefree realm of Freemont St. Or Harrah’s in Laughlin. Or Sands in Reno. But there’s also more to the Silver State than gambling. 2020 brought some big challenges to Nevada especially if you don’t count the socially distanced homeless people sleeping in the parking lot of your favorite casino.





Yeah so COVID ripped the Silver State a new asshole and it’s going to take a lot of time, patience, and of course money to recover. Especially when your state’s main source of revenue is gambling, tourism, and the concert industry. And by the way in case you’re wondering just how evil Nevada’s state government is, they recently signed a bill that totally fucked over Nevada’s homeless teenagers. This is a stunning, jaw-dropping level of evil!





[font size="2"]Iowa [/font]

The Cornhusker State is back and they are tanned, rested and ready to go! The home of such extremely evil elected representatives as racist Steve King, Charles Grassley, and Jodi Ernst is no stranger to the excessive greed brought on by America’s farmers and meat packing industry. In fact if you want to see greed in action, look no further than Iowa’s education system, where public schools are being fucked over by anti-government republicans in favor of private schools. That’s right – they want to take over your right to attend a public school.





And by the way, expect Iowa to show up in future Stupidest State contests because if you think you’ve seen the last of Iowa’s right – strap in! because it’s about to get that much worse for the Cornhusker State! And I mean come on, Charles Grassley is 90 years old, there’s no way he could last another term so get ready for Iowa to nominate a Josh Hawley type to the Senate, and yeah it’s gonna suck!





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Not even close! Nevada utterly destroys Iowa to move onto the Elite 8! This time the Silver State routes the Cornhuskers by a score of 25, easily defeating them. Final score: 107 – 82!

[font size="4"]Gun Nut Conference Round 1: Oregon Vs Idaho [/font]

[font size="2"]Oregon [/font]


The Beaver State is a frequent contributor to the Gun Nut Conference. Now you might be thinking – hey wait a minute! Oregon is a blue state! That they may be appearing to be on the outside! But on the inside they are about as red as you can get. Sure, they may be home to the liberal utopia that is the city of Portland, but downtown Portland has become a breeding ground for weekly cage matches between the Proud Boys and Antifa! And by the way, in case you’re wondering – why yes, Oregon’s gun sales skyrocketed in the last year, which is really not that surprising considering what happened in the shittiest year ever.





And if you’re wondering about Oregon’s gun chops, well they’ve got you covered. It’s one of the few states that not only allows open carry of weapons, it allows you to carry them in public buildings! Gee, what could go wrong there? Mass shootings are on the rise once again, so yeah it’s sadly only a matter of time before someone does something stupid.





[font size="2"]Idaho [/font]


The Gem State has a strong following in the Gun Nut Conference and last year they bowed out quietly but are back for more! And in case you’re wondering about Idaho’s gun chops they have them, and they are not afraid to use them. Especially if you count Northern Idaho – which not only has hardcore gun nuts, they also have hardcore racism. And this might be one of my favorite stories to come out in quite a while. So some new countries might get added to the Powerball, which would further hinder your chances of winning. But Idaho? They don’t want anything to do with this for an absolutely ridiculous and really not that shocking reason.





And in case you’re wondering – Idaho has one of the highest concentrations of guns in the entire country, and with the recent uptick in mass shootings, guns aren’t going anywhere. Yes, the people of the Gem State love their guns and they love the NRA lifestyle. Oh and did I mention Idaho is the home of our favorite bird lover, Ammon Bundy? Yeah there’s that. But don’t expect Idaho to lay down their arms anytime soon.





[font size="4"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Here we go into overtime folks! The score was tied 92 – 92 at the end of regulation play. Idaho has the ball… they score! Oh man, 5 minutes and 15 points later, Idaho sinks Oregon and they move onto their first Elite 8! It’s gonna be exciting folks!

[font size="4"]Next week: [/font]

The reigning kings of the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference go for broke as #1 Kansas takes on #2 Wyoming, this is going to be a good one! Meanwhile, over in the Gun Nut Conference #1 Florida takes on #2 Texas! The Elite 8 is shaping folks!



See you next week!

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Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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March 18, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-7: Tucker's Got A Brand New Bag Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-7: Tucker’s Got A Brand New Bag Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? We’re still of course coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future – and we might actually have a date as to when we’re finally going to get out of this thing! July 1st, at least that’s two months from when the majority of America finally gets vaccinated. If so then we’ll be able to bring you the proper Idiots that you know and love! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. So did anyone watch the Grammys this weekend? I mean I’m a music fan and I love music and I miss live music but I’ve just never been a big fan of the Grammy Awards. But then again I’m probably not the target audience because I didn’t know ½ the performers that were playing. And I think the only album on the list of winners that I owned at least was the new Nas album “King’s Disease”. Which was a great album by the way. And also the Strokes – I did love that album and I was supposed to see the Strokes live at the Forum, and that was one of the first of literally all events that I had tickets to that got cancelled because of the damn virus. Hey wait, isn’t the intro supposed to be funny? Oh yeah of course it is, I forgot! But then again we don’t have audiences right now. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he totally eviscerates Tucker Carlson for being a hardcore white supremacist:



Where do we begin this week? To start with, thanks to our connections, we got Tucker Carlson to air his reaction to all of our stories live throughout the whole edition! Taking the #1 slot this week is Fox News (1) who has also been having a week – from Tucker Carlson’s insane “Biden Cam” reaction footage to their going all in on cancel culture, we’d have much nicer things right now if it wasn’t for them In the second slot this week is our old friend Marjorie Taylor Greene (2). So this whole thing between her and the tiny island of Guam is certainly fucking crazy.. Taking the #3 slot this week is Capitol Rioters (3) and they are getting locked up for doing some ridiculously dumb shit. And wait until new Attorney General Merrick Garland starts laying the smackdown on MAGA terrorists. In the #4 slot this week, we’re going to play another round of our favorite game “Is It Racist?” (spoiler alert! Probably) and this week’s feature is particularly hilarious given our old buddy John Schnatter’s ridiculous excuses for using the N word. In the #5 slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week we’re going to take a look at the latest craze sweeping the art world - Non Fungible Tokens, which as you can imagine, are everything you don’t understand about art combined with everything you don’t understand about digital currency. At #6 this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week – can your sermon get you in trouble? We take a look at some hilarious examples of cause and effect after a pastor in Missouri got in trouble after suggesting that all women should look like Melania Trump. Taking the 7th slot this week, we’re bringing back our feature “What’s Up With England?” (7) because this interview with the Royal Family is quite literally insane, and we’re going to do our best to run it through the juicer and extract the juiciest bits from it! At the #8 slot this week is a new edition of This Fucking Guy (8) and this week we’re going to profile Infowars correspondent Andy Ngo (8) after he wrote a crazy hyperbolic and self-victimizing book detailing his accounts with Antifa. And really, don’t make me tear down my Mumford & Sons poster! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb because of course they are! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State! This week it’s Round 1 Week 1 and the #3 and #4 of the Batshit Conference – South Dakota and Michigan will tangle, while over in the Family Values Conference, #1 Indiana takes on next door rival #2 Ohio! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Fox News
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So Fox News has been having what one would call “a week”. And this is everything from Trump’s latest pity party on the Maria Baritromo show to this… and I don’t even know what the fuck this is, but only Fox News could do something like this. And mainly I want to focus on Tucker Carlson – the man who, when you look up the phrase “white supremacist” in the dictionary with “Derp! What’s a white supremacist? Do you even know what that is?”. And that is literally his answer to the deepest questions in life. What is this? Do you even know? It’s a left wing conspiracy! Well, only Fox News could put a camera showing Tuckers’ one-face reaction to Joe Biden’s COVID-19 speech. And footage of this is – and I’m putting this lightly – is one of the batshit craziest things you will ever see.





No fucking shit! That’s about the same as airing a news report that says “I hope you all get COVID and die, you scumbags!”. That’s how insensitive Fox News is. Really, Tucker’s got a brand new bag. But it’s the same old bag and the same stupid, dumbfounded look he asks about everything! And then showing how even further Tucker is, he doubled down on his insensitive remarks about women serving in the military. Which caused actual senior officers to tell Tucker to – and I’m directly quoting here – shut the fuck up!





Hey! We don’t need a Tucker reaction cam here! OK fine… I brought this on myself! So we will have this live Tucker reaction cam for the duration of this segment. And in case you’re wondering if Tucker is an incompetent douchebag, well his insensitive remarks on our troops are hitting our nation’s republican representatives right where they live. Except for Ted Cruz who you might think is what one would call a “snowflake” after hearing what Tucker said.





Oh come on, even Tucker is making faces at me now. Seriously can we please turn the Tucker reaction cam off now? No? OK fine. But in case you’re wondering just how deep Tucker stepped in it with his insensitive remarks on the troops, well, let’s ask actual military professionals exactly where they stand on this issue. We’ll see how this pans out but maybe in a few weeks we’ll be asking “Derp! Who’s Tucker Carlson??? I don’t know! It’s a left wing conspiracy!”.






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Taylor Greene
[br] [/font] [br]

Look we’ve all had an assful of Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). She’s really the personification of the word “deplorable”. Like if you were to look that word up in the dictionary, you would see her picture. But this story with her and Guam is absolutely fucking hilarious and completely on brand for her. In case you’re unfamiliar, the island territory of Guam is a tiny island in Northwest Oceania, and is the gateway to many island hubs in the western Pacific Ocean, such as Fiji and Taiwan. The United States has a well established military base in this island territory. But Marjorie Greene wouldn’t know that. And like all things this started off with good intentions – the intention was to educate Greene that Guam exists and that it’s part of the United States. But Greene wouldn’t have any of that. In fact rather than showing you our reaction to her insanity, why don’t we show you how the local newspapers in Guam reacted?





Seriously even Tucker is having a reaction to that one! Now here’s how it escalated. Well, Guam had the right idea with the thought of visiting her office to educate her about the island territory. They showed up to her office on Capitol Hill bringing – and this is true – cookies and books on Guam. To the normal person who hasn’t mainlined the Q Anon Kool Aid the way Greene has, you would think that this was a thoughtful and well planned gesture. That’s how it started.





Now here’s how it escalated. We’ve shown you on this program how many times conservative cause and effect doesn’t play out the way you would think it would. And this latest incident is 100% completely on brand for them. Especially in the wake of the other side of the Trump administration, where conservatives paint themselves as the victim no matter what the scenario. You could tell them the sky is blue. “Oh the sky is not blue. The sky is really red and it’s the violent and out of control PC mob that is responsible for not telling you the truth!”. Yeah well that’s exactly what happened here.





That’s right, Tucker. In fact if you want to know just how deplorable and toxic Marjorie Greene really is, just look at this story at Right Wing Watch where Greene is giving away a gun after Biden promised more sweeping gun reforms. Seriously, just give him the finger and get it over with. But back to Guam, at least they’re still trying but to that I say “good luck with that!”.






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[font size="8"]Capitol Rioters
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Given the sheer number of people who were at the January 6th Donald Trump rally that turned into an armed insurrection on the Capitol protesting the certification of the election of our 46th president Joseph R. Biden, I think it’s safe to say that we’re never going to hear the end of this thing. Which is OK by me because it’s going to keep me employed for a very long time. Right, Tucker? I thought so! And here’s the thing – if you’re going to commit a crime, how about this – don’t take selfies and post them on Facebook and Instagram!!! Throwing your life away for a few likes is not a smart move. We could literally do an entire edition just devoted to this. But here’s the latest. The FBI has cracked 300 arrested and there’s literally hundreds more. That’s right – HUNDREDS!





Well… we got some of them! So that’s something to celebrate! I’m sure that even Tucker would approve of this one. And then there was this douchebag who was recently caught after it was learned that he stole a police badge. Yeah and we’re the violent lunatics, right. I think calling these morons “deplorable” is being too kind. These guys are completely fucking insane.





I thought so! But this might be one of my favorite stories to come out of the Capitol Riots so far. This happened in New Jersey. And here’s the thing – this guy already got reprimanded a couple of times at work for wearing Trump clothing. Not only that, posted to – wait for it – social media with a photo that had time stamps and location tracking IDs! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Here’s the thing – maybe I don’t know – live your life in such a way that your coworkers don’t rat you out to the FBI. Just saying.





And of course Florida is involved. I mean come on, we literally had Florida Man as our last president, and you know who that is. You can always identify a Trump supporter when they scream at the cops and resist arrest, that sort of thing happens a lot. And no, I’m not referring to Johnny Damon. Instead I’m referring to another Florida Man Trump supporter who shown to be screaming at the cops and exhibiting other Trumphole behavior.







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[font size="8"]Is It Racist?
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Hey everyone it’s time to play the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



And we always say that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! And there’s plenty of it this week. I want to start with racist pizza. Note: do not call your new band “Racist Pizza”. But I’m of course talking about our old buddy John Schnatter. You know him best as the founder of Papa John’s Pizza. A company that has seen its’ brand turned from the preferred pizza of frat boy stoners everywhere to the preferred pizza of racist frat boys everywhere (see: Top 10 #3-21 ). Yes, Papa John’s may be the official pizza of the Alt Right, but that hasn’t stopped Papa John himself from being as batshit crazy as ever. He may have had a change of heart on the subject, but he’s really telling the wrong people that he’s had a change of heart on the subject.





How about this - you want to prove you're not a racist? Maybe don't go on OAN to tell people that you're not a racist! OAN: It's like what Fox News would be if it were run by your racist uncle! So yeah is it racist? Of course it fucking is! You might as well have a Confederate flag backdrop while telling OAN that you’ve been trying to stop using the N word! Next up – racist talk shows! Look, I will admit that I am a huge Ozzy Osbourne fan and I love Black Sabbath. But Sharon Osbourne has always been despicable – so the question is, IS IT RACIST??





Well my fair virtual audience, I have to say… IS IT RACIST? And well yeah I think this one could easily qualify as racist, especially under my parameters! Next up – racist music! And while in this weird socially distant world in which we’re currently living, concerts are few and far between. But while conservatives are still railing on “cancel culture”, whatever that is, if you don’t want be canceled, maybe don’t put yourself in that position!





Here’s the thing – maybe don’t use the N word, threaten to fight an audience member, then blame it on cancel culture. That’s entirely on you! You’re a racist! We don’t even have to guess at that one! Finally this week – racist reality shows! I’m of course talking about The Bachelor – which is inexplicably still on the air after what seems like 10,000,000 seasons. And when you’re on the air that long, and it’s unscripted, you’re probably going to say or do something that one might consider to be well, racist.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Non Fungible Tokens
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Since the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic has brought the concert and event industry to a grinding halt until we figure out a way to deal with this virus, artists have been turning to other sources of revenue to make up for losses that they otherwise would have made if they had been touring or exhibiting. The latest way that they have been doing this is through what is called a “non fungible token” or NFT. This is nothing new, NFTs have been around since the beginning of the Bitcoin crazy. But lately have been exploding in popularity. The first band to sell their latest studio album as an NFT is from Nashville’s Kings Of Leon. They sold their latest album “When You See Yourself” as an NFT. And because of that, they’re able to make up revenue they lost from not being able to tour.





Money isn’t the only thing being exchanged in an NFT. Both the sellers and the buyers can benefit from NFTs in different ways. NFTs are a type of cryptocurrency. The seller benefits because they can sell access to the album as well as rights to the album itself. The buyer benefits from the album because by buying shares in the album, they will get benefits and perks, similar to your frequent flyer rewards programs. But that’s not the only way these work.





So that’s how an NFT is supposed to work. But here’s where the real NFTs will benefit – one recently sold at an auction for $69 million dollars for a JPG image that happens to be a composition of a bunch of really small rendered images stitched together. Another is a court case where someone sold art as an NFT that didn’t belong to them. But if you do decide to get on the NFT bandwagon, here’s what you’re actually getting.





So NFTs are a blockchain designed for the art community and art lovers. Which could pave the way for all kind of digital currencies that are exclusive to one medium. And if you bought an NFT you can also trade it for another one. They have the tendency to go both ways and be used for good as well as for bad. So when you actually hit the buy button on an NFT here’s what you will actually be doing for the art community.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know there’s some people out there that are holding real congregations out there right now. And we want to be one of those. We’re tired of being in a 2” window on a box on a PC monitor. You know we used to have things like audiences and a gospel choir. Oh man do I miss my beautiful choir. But there is a dark side to being a public figure – is that what you say on that stage can get you in trouble. So this week, my fair virtual congregation, we’re going to take a look at some examples of cause and effect that can get you in trouble. Starting with this pastor from Missouri who as you can guess supports the unholy, ungodly Dark One – a man who is so disgusting that his name shall not be spoken in my church! Well let’s just see the kind of trouble that gets you in!





Of course he does! And what makes this even crazier is that Pastor Clark isn’t the only pastor who has said some completely batshit crazy things in support of the Dark One! For his heart is EVIL and he is criminally insane, and turned America into what it is now! But enter our old friend, Rick Joyner – another student of the Dark One! In fact since the Dark One lost last year his supporters have been getting crazier, weirder, and more violent than normal! Brother Rick is just one more example!





Now in case you’re wondering if your support of the unholy Dark One will get you in trouble, well just ask our good friends at Liberty University! See his name has become so toxic that even the most holier than thou right wing of holier than thou right wing institutions is trying to distance themselves from his toxic brand! For you see that is actually what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want! Well once again this kind of toxic politics can get you in trouble!





Yeah probably! Still don’t think it can’t get you in trouble? Well I’m here to tell you that you are wrong and will always be wrong! For you see, the Dark One’s heart is so dark that he cannot see the light, it says so in our Good Book! Well this is coming from a guy who we presume hangs around cemeteries during the weekend and tells the goth kids that he knows how to unearth the dead. We’re just assuming, but beware of anyone who calls themselves a “prophet”!





Yes, and these people do not know of the evil for which they speak! Do not follow these wicked people, for they will bring a true curse on society! Instead follow the good and righteous! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]What’s Up With The Royals?
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We here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots occasionally like to check in with the Family Windsor, which as you know rules all of England in what’s known as a “monarchy”. Whereas we here in America prefer what’s called a “democracy”. Anyway enough of that. But the one thing we do know is that conservative idiocy is not just a uniquely American problem. It’s a global problem that expands over the entire world and conservatives worldwide are just as crazy as American conservatives. The Royals are no exception and we can already hear you groaning. We can imagine that you’re probably sick of hearing about this interview but we got to talk about how fucking evil the entire thing was. But here’s what I want to know – why the hell does Gayle King know more about the Royal Family than Prince Charles does?





That is a good point! Let’s all acknowledge for a moment that this is weird! But let’s think about what’s even weirder. This interview is what one might call – and I’m just paraphrasing here - “extremely fucked up”. I mean a member of the Royal Family going on American television to denounce how horrible the Royal Family is. But this is where it gets weird. Just like the Capitol Riot, the family just went home and acted like nothing happened.





That is a good point. But there is one thing about the Royals that they do not like outsiders. As in anyone who’s not a Royal. So you can imagine the shit that hit the fan when Harry brought Megan Markle home to Queen Mum for dinner. But the thing you may or may not know is that the Royals have a problem with, well, racism. Yeah it’s about as fucked up as you could possibly imagine.





I cam imagine that would lead to some pretty horrible dinner conversations, given that you can actually shout across those extremely long dinner tables that the Royals eat at. But let’s ask an actual Brit’s opinion on this insanity, then we can shut the book on this discussion. I’m of course talking about our good friend John Oliver, and he found some very interesting insights into the interview that us Yanks looking from the outside are wondering about.






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Andy Ngo
[br] [/font] [br]



Seriously, Infowars, don’t make me hate Mumford and Sons. Which is why this week’s This Fucking Guy is Andy Ngo. I’ve avoided bringing up this professional troll in the Top 10 for a while now but we have to talk about this, especially after last week. And by the way if you think I’m kidding about this, just check out Telegraph, where they think that Mumford & Sons is literally the worst group of human beings in the world because their guitarist has taken a “leave of absence” following his decision to support professional trolls like Andy Ngo. In fact let’s take a step back and see just what kind of professional troll Andy Ngo is. Some people call him an “independent journalist” but really, he’s a troll. And he’s such a troll that he’s often been referred to as the “most dangerous grifter in America”.





Oh stop rabbling! So Andy Ngo is a regular fixture at the weekly Proud Boys vs Antifa brew ha has in Portland. Which I’m still puzzled why they chose Portland. And in fact if you ask people who actually live in Portland, the real area where these two groups duke it out every week is about two city blocks. And if you listen to them you’d think that the whole damn city is on fire! And he regularly puts himself in these dangerous positions. In fact, last year he sued Antifa – a group that doesn’t exist and has no central leadership – for an ungodly sum of money.





Well maybe just don’t go to Portland and you’ll be fine. So this week let’s examine cause and effect here in terms of what happened last week. OK so popular Portland area bookstore Powell’s Books announced they wouldn’t carry Andy Ngo’s self-pitying book about his counters with Antifa. Guess what happened? Powell’s Books was the subject of such vicious trolling that they had to close for multiple days in a row!





I don’t know if Stanley does know what you’re talking about, sir. And yeah let’s blame Antifa as being the out of control lunatics in this equation. Though we all know that Gavin McInnes is most likely pulling the strings for both groups. But anyway this is why I am mad that they’re making me hate Mumford and Sons. Because this is what happens when you put your foot in your mouth politically, though in this case the foot should reach the other end. Anyways…





So yeah he’s a guy who goes to fights, gets himself hurt, and then sues an invisible group for unprecedented sums of money. That’s Andy Ngo, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. So who is being really stupid this week? There’s lots of competition for that category as you can imagine. Let’s start with some graffiti, but not just any graffiti. Sure you’ve probably used your fancy new smartphone with the stylus and handwriting recognition to make penis jokes. We’ve all been there, don’t be shy! But what if you take that idea to the next level? Well that’s what one Phoenix artist did when he scribbled the word “penis man” on a row of portable toilets. And guess what? It went viral, which isn’t exactly something that you want to do these days!





Next up – here’s the thing. I can’t blame this guy for wanting to be a good dad. Especially given his circumstances. But this is a whole new level of dumb. We go to the state of Washington for this one, and I get that there’s ways to impress your kid. But there’s also ways that can get you doing some hard time, and stealing playground equipment? Especially something that weighs 400 pounds? Yeah that’s a one way ticket to the local jail!





At least he’s a contender for dad of the year! Next up in People Are Dumb – the January 6th Capitol Riots. We may have to do an all Capitol Riot edition of People Are Dumb because there are tons of these stories coming and I feel like now with Merrick Garland as our new Attorney General that we’re going to be seeing even more stories in the coming months. But this is a whole new level of stupid. And I mean really there is a moral of the story here but I can’t quite put my finger on it.





Yeah maybe I don’t know… how about this - live your life in such a way that your coworkers don’t report you to the FBI! Next up in People Are Dumb – the great state of Florida. And there’s a lot of Florida in the news this week so we’ll dedicate the rest of our People Are Dumb segment to the Sunshine State! Which as you may know is also America’s most penis shaped state. And really you can do a cross over a lot of “People Are Dumb” stories with “What’s Up With Florida” stories because a lot of them can intersect. At least there’s one guy who’s brutally honest with this Florida Man credentials:





Oh we kid, we kid! We love Florida and we can’t wait to go back! Finally this week – sticking with the Sunshine State, this is a lesson that you don’t keep your drugs in the same place where you keep your license. Especially if you happen to get pulled over by a police officer. Also, I think “Dank Gummies” might be the name of my new Soundcloud rapper persona!





That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Round 1 Week 1
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16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome back everybody! This is it – we are in Phoenix, we are ready to tangle! This is the first round of 4 rounds that will determine the 5th annual Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State! And it’s round 1 week 1 which means that anything goes! This week, it’s a battle of Batshit favorites and Family Values heavyweights! Over in the Batshit Conference, it’s red hot newcomer #3 South Dakota against conference favorite #4 Michigan. Could there be a Cinderella story brewing? Only time will tell! Meanwhile, over in the Family Values Conference, #1 Indiana takes on #2 Ohio! Guess which one is the home of a bizarre and dangerous underground cult? We’ll let you be the judge! Let’s go to the floor in Phoenix, right now!

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference Round 1: #3 South Dakota Vs #4 Michigan [/font]

[font size="2"]South Dakota[/font]
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4jO9ve5Ob7Q/UJQLtASAu1I/AAAAAAAAF1E/k0R4i6vdk9g/s400/SD+Flag+original.gif

This is the first time any of the Dakotas have made it to the big dance! But South Dakota – known as the Mt. Rushmore State earned a special place in the Batshit Conference for hosting the largest event in 2020 during a raging pandemic which epidemiologists call a “super spreader” event. And if you guessed that the Sturgis Biker Rally was ground zero for the 2nd wave of COVID-19, you are absolutely correct! A few thousand cases were tied to the Harley Davidson rally which was really just a slap in the face to those of us who didn’t want to get sick and die. Here’s how that went down.





So yeah holding a super spreader rally in the middle of a raging pandemic is probably not the smartest idea one could have. Actually it’s worse than that – it’s completely fucking stupid! And if that weren’t enough – conservative governors must be in the running to see who can be the worst governor in the country, and there is a lot of competition for that title! Heres’ what governor Kristi Noem did in the last few weeks:





[font size="2"]Michigan[/font]


The Wolverine State is back for an unprecedented 4th year in a row. After a strong showing last year they decided to improve their game in order to make the tournament and switch conferences after a beatdown in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. This year Michigan’s far right upped their game and it’s quite spectacular. Aside from some insane COVID protests, they took theirs one step too far and attempted to kidnap governor Gretchen Whitmore. For… reasons. And I cannot wait until the movie is made about this batshit time in Michigan history. I suspect Jeff Daniels will be involved somehow!





Yeah in an otherwise batshit year, this was one of the crazier plots to come out of it, and we will be keeping a close eye on this one! They literally had their own Matt Damon style FBI informant in the organization providing the Feds with Intel. And if that’s not enough, the threats keep on coming! Keep using your phones to make threats, guys. They will only come back to haunt you!






[font size="2"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

OMG, no contest! We have our first round and our first upset of the tournament! Michigan stuns South Dakota with 25 unanswered points and a 15 point victory! Michigan moves onto the next round, South Dakota goes home! Final score: 91 – 76!

[font size="4"]Family Values Conference: #1 Indiana vs #2 Ohio [/font]

[font size="2"]Indiana[/font]


The Hoosier State sits atop the Family Values Conference for an unprecedented 2nd year in a row! This year their chops are solid. Indiana is the Catholic capitol of the United States as it is the home to Notre Dame University and a super-secret Catholic cult that’s been operating under our noses and aims to convert the entire state of Indiana to its’ grips. That cult came to light last year when Trump nominated Amy Coney Barrett to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on SCOTUS. If you think Scientology is crazy, I give you People Of Praise!





Yeah I could totally see them doing that during meetings! People of Praise was founded in South Bend – which as many know is the staple of the Catholic community known as Notre Dame University. And they wear their Catholicism on their sleeves there. In case you’re wondering what they believe in, they believe in some ridiculously crazy shit, and it’s stuff that would make even the most Catholic than thou person flush.





[font size="2"]Ohio[/font]


The Buckeye State is back for another go round. The state that’s given us such pro-Jesus politicians as Jim Jordan and Mike DeWine is home to one of the largest concentrations of churches in the entire country. And not only have they elected such toxic politicians as Jordan, there’s plenty more where that came from! And because Ohio is so toxic when it comes to Christianity, they’re close to enacting one of the strictest abortion laws in the entire country. And this is going to get very ugly very quickly!





Holy shit! That is some fucking evil there! Now add in a dash of conservative stupidity on top of that and you’ve got a toxic cocktail just waiting to explode like a poorly made Molotov Cocktail. So how is this one of the stupidest things imaginable? Well guess what? It never took effect! That’s right – conservatives are so hell bent on overturning Roe V Wade that they totally forgot to ensure their own bill is enforced! This is too damn good!





[font size="2"]And The Winner Is…[/font]

Oh man this was a close one – and it’s down to the wire. Indiana has the ball, shoots… it’s GOOD!!! IT’S GOOD!!!! Indiana sinks a buzzer beating 3 pointer to sink Ohio and send them home! And this was a high scoring game too, but in the end the Hoosiers pull out a win, the Buckeyes go home! Final score: 102 – 98. What a game!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

It’s the dead man’s hand as it’s a battle of the 3s and 4s! Over in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, #3 Nevada takes on #4 Iowa, while over in the Gun Nut Conference, #3 Idaho brings their big guns to the dance against #4 Oregon!



See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

March 3, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-6: Let Me Tell You About The Birds And The Bees Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-6: Let Me Tell You About The Birds And The Bees Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? We’re still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future which currently seems hopeless, I know. But look at that void! It’s so blue! We of course bring you last week’s news smack dab in the middle of the week, but this is our final Top 10! To be broadcast in this time slot, sorry, I should have finished that sentence. But starting on the 18th, we are moving to Thursday. This last year has been extremely difficult to deal with and staff complaints forced the move. This is my favorite Top 10 of the entire year because it’s time for Stupidest State 2021 and this year we’re introducing some new features to make this more interactive and to encourage you to get your brackets in! There’s some red hot newcomers to the tournament and some really exciting developments to the NFFSA. But we think you’ll be satisfied with this year’s developments! Plus if you check the Top 10 Twitter feed, and you absolutely should, it’s on Twitter @10Idiots, we will be adding some ESPN-style Bracketology advice starting today to help you fill out your brackets! Who do you think is going to go all the way this year and win the coveted DeLay trophy? I know who I have! Anyway that’s enough of the intro, we have a lof of idiocy to get to this week. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into America’s obsession with the police raid:



Another year, another time to visit the annual circus of insanity known as the Conservative Political Action Conference! To start with this week, we are going to bring you highlights of the conference (1) which includes literally worshipping Trump with praise, loyalty and statues. But they’re not a cult or anything. Taking the second slot this week, is of course our FORMER 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump (2) and we have highlights of what we think will be a completely predictable speech from him. Taking the 3rd slot this week is Trump sycophant Marjorie Taylor Greene (3). And Margie is going full on crazy this week with her war on trans people and a bizarre and probably totally unethical gun giveaway. At slot #4 this week is the plot against Andrew Cuomo and Gavin Newsom (4). The MAGA cult is out for blood against the east and west coast governors, and it’s going to get really ugly really quickly. Taking the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week, what does it mean to be “deplatformed”? We take a look at why conservatives are so hysterical about this social media phenomenon. And at the #6 seed this week, is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week with President Biden set to sign sweeping reforms against LGBT discrimination, the church is organizing a full out assault, and our resident pastor is telling you it’s going to get very ugly very quickly. Taking the 7th slot this week, we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse”, and Hasbro decided to introduce a new kind of Potato Head doll and it’s blowing conservative minds. Yeah shut up! In the #8 slot this week is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) – we’re going to take a look at the insane theory being peddled by anti-vaccination crusaders that a microchip is being implanted in you when you get the COVID vaccine and then cross that with people who don’t think Q Anon exists and we’ve got a Clustertrump. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” and we have to find out why Metallica hilariously and ironically got slapped with a DMCA claim during the bands’ own livestream performance at the virtual Blizzcon this year. But it’s not ending with Metallica either. Finally it’s that time, ladies and gentlemen! Time for the 5th annual Stupidest State contest! This year, the circumstances have changed but the spirit remains the same! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]CPAC 2021: America Uncanceled
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It’s the last week of February and that means that the annual Gathering Of The Deplorables, otherwise known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, is here. Now the thing is we could have spent literally the entire edition talking about how batshit crazy conservatives are. There was Ted Cruz and there was Josh Hawley, and there was Trump, and there was just an endless parade of psychos and crazy people. But this picture I feel perfectly sums up the conservative movement and the end of MAGA. Can we show that?:

https://twitter.com/daveweigel/status/1365773383032594450

I don't think I need to add any commentary to this one, it's a perfect metaphor for the remnants of the Trump administration at this point, isn't it? But what we got to talk about is the shape of the stage at CPAC. That was a very interesting topic of discussion.





Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. You’re blaming the design of the stage on cancel culture extremists? That’s rich! I don’t want to point fingers but a Nazi symbol is a Nazi symbol, am I right about that? But what does the hosting venue – Hyatt Hotels think about this? Are they happy or sad that they hosted a gathering of white supremacists and Neo Nazis? Which is exactly on brand for the modern conservative movement!





Yeah seriously where are those guys when you need them? And I completely say this with all seriousness: Nazis can go fuck themselves. And the fact that the CPAC stage resembled a symbol from Hitler’s SS is appalling. But let’s move on to the main events shall we? There was Ted Cruz who was every bit as deplorable as you might expect.





Yeah sorry Ted Trump is going away – we’ve had a collective ass full of him. And if Kimberly Guilfoyle’s entrance was anything to scoff at, they’re going out in a blaze of glory:

https://twitter.com/MysterySolvent/status/1365448913247993863

Yeah what the fuck was that??? And Ted you don’t get to walk away from what happened in Texas with a snappy one liner. Seriously… fuck you! But if there’s one takeaway from CPAC 2021 it’s that the conservative movement is only going to devolve into something more sinister if we let it.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

You know it’s so nice not having to dedicate brain cells to the word diarrhea that comes out of the mouth of our now FORMER president Donald J. Trump isn’t it? Well unfortunately we had to this weekend because he was the headline speaker at CPAC. And as we predicted the word vomit that comes out of his head was extremely predictable. But here’s the thing – what is to make of the now former president? Is he just becoming a parody of what he once was? Or is he an emerging threat to American democracy as we know it? Or is he literally just a golden calf to anyone that’s to the right of the KKK? I mean he’s Trump The Golden Calf! But this is crazy that the CPAC has become a loyalty test to the darkest corners of the Trump cult.





Yeah Trump can’t even get 90% of the voters at CPAC! They were split down the middle, and this is after a convention that saw speeches from the most deranged, hard right members of the cult like Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley. But let’s go through some of the zanier quotes from the speech. Yeah I didn’t watch it, so I’ll let someone else do the talking. And no, I don’t want Trump to do the talking either.





Yeah I kind of feel like Michael Scott when he saw Toby back at Dunder Mifflin after several months – like a bad weed that you keep having to spray weed killers on in order to get rid of, and it still grows back! But like any other boss, Trump has his own shit list of employees that he would like to get rid of if he had an opportunity to do so. Which would replace them with those who are the most loyal to his cause, and after 5 years, we’re still unclear of what that cause is.





And here’s something you’re really not going to like. While we’re all moving on from the nightmare that was the 2020 election and Trump’s super spreader MAGA rallies, there’s one thing that is perfectly clear about this. At least even the most die-hard cults, like Charles Manson’s Helter Skelter cult, die out after they’re found out that they are frauds. It turns out that the MAGA cult may be the next victim of a long line of cults, and we couldn’t be happier about that!






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Taylor Greene
[br] [/font] [br]

We need some music for this one!



Yeah let me tell you about the birds and the bees. And Marjorie Taylor Greene. There’s two things we know about Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q – Batshit). The first is that her tenure in Congress is most likely going to be short lived. The second thing is that at some point in the next year and a half, Rep. Greene will get in a fist fight with another member of Congress. While we can’t guarantee that, we can guarantee that Greene has caused quite the shit show in the last few weeks and isn’t done yet. This week Greene took her fight to the transgender community and specifically attacked and intimidated Rep. Newman (D-IL), who has a transgender daughter. Yeah this woman is an incredibly vile piece of shit. And it seems the more we’re offended by her, the more it drives her. Which makes her a psychopath.





Man I wish we had an audience right now because this woman deserves all the booing and shaming that you can muster up. Seriously – calling Marjorie Taylor Greene a piece of shit, is an insult to actual pieces of shit. Because actual shit has useful purposes, like being turned into manure. This woman on the other hand does not. This woman is a colossal scumbag through and through. And like I said I would not be surprised to see her in an actual brawl on Capitol Hill sometime soon.





By the way in case you’re wondering what actual trans people think of Greene, well, their opinion is not at all favorable. And this woman isn’t going away no matter how hard we would like to thwack her into the sun. But this woman is fueled by a diet of hate and conspiracy theories, and our animosity towards
her is only making her stronger. So how does someone this full of hate and egomaniacism sleep during the night? Well it’s going to be hard to tell.





Oh but you see? With Greene, the cruelty is the point! This woman has a media diet consisting of Alex Jones and social media fueled paranoid conspiracy theories that are getting increasingly amplified each and every day. Now here’s where it’s going to get even uglier. While embassies around the world are showing increasing acceptance of gay and trans rights, Marjorie Greene wants the exact opposite. Thank god the Dems retain control of the House right now. So Marjorie has a problem with the Pride flags, but no problem with the MAGA flag? I’m shocked, shocked I tell you!






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[font size="8"]The Andrew Cuomo Scandal

[br] [/font] [br]

I was having a debate with my staff on how to approach this one. Because I know the name of this show is “Top 10 Conservative Idiots” and we are about to talk about the plot to take down New York governor Andrew Cuomo. Who currently is up to his ass in scandal. And we try to be fair here. But the simple fact of the matter is that Cuomo is about to get the Al Franken treatment (see: Top 10 #3-26. Remember that guy? Well this is that scandal but with an added dose of an unrelated COVID scandal! Yeah holy shit is right, and we haven’t even got to Holy Shit yet this week. But here’s what we know so far – it is a coordinated attack to take down one of the most powerful governors in the country and here’s how it is going so far, and it’s not pretty.





Yeah you can say that again! So yeah the news here is not good. And it’s only about to get worse for Gov. Cuomo. So now the debate rages – does Gov Cuomo resign or does he keep fighting against these accusations? Of course without proof, we have to assume that he’s somewhat guilty but in order for him to be innocent, we need concrete, actual proof of this. And no, we don’t need a bad court thingy just yet, there has to be a trial first!





Yeah so there’s that to deal with too. I mean this whole thing is going to get worse before it gets better and that’s if it gets better. And oh yeah I’m watching you too, Sean Hannity. If you’re going to accuse the media of being mobsters, and the thing is the “media mob” didn’t take down Brett Kavanaugh – he did that to himself. And he’s still in power! But just like Brett Kavanaugh, Andrew Cuomo could be the victim of his own demise. Watch the conservative blogosphere, it’s gonna get ugly very fast.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Social Media Deplatforming
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



The topics of “cancel culture” and “social media deplatforming” were all the rage this weekend at the Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC. After four years of having a president who thrived as a social media troll, it’s no wonder that conservatives are living in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing on social media. Because the conservative agenda deals with racism and sexism and it’s becoming increasingly clear that they want to do something to be able to voice their controversial opinions publicly without fear of consequences. In fact when conservatives get banned from social media, they go and seek out alternatives. This led to the creation of alternate media sites like Parler, Gab, and Telegram, where the policies towards speech are “anything goes”.





Yes think of the alternate reality social media sites like the refuge of the damned. These people clearly don’t care about what others think of them, and it shows. But conservatives are getting increasingly fearful of what the visible social media companies like Facebook, Youtube, and Instagram will do to them if they’re caught doing something that violates the platform’s terms of service, even though they do this daily.





Now this brings about a really tricky area of banning people from social media. Does this make things better or worse? There’s arguments that could be made for both sides. In fact one side is saying that it is making things better, but the other side is saying that it is making it worse. Stamping out trolls is more of a science than an art. You can ban them from the spotlight, but they aren’t going away. And it is driving them completely crazy.





Yes probably. In fact you can deplatform users and they will regroup elsewhere. But you can’t get rid of the trolls altogether, or can you? Because they will start their own platforms. What happens when the entire platform gets deplatformed? Well for that we look to Parler, which recently got banned from both the Apple App Store and the Google Play Store because there were users on this service threatening to murder elected officials. Yes, people. Trolling on social media can only get you so far then the death threats happen. It’s an inevitable way of life in the 21st century – life, death, taxes, and the social media death threat. If you get deplatformed for this, don’t say we didn’t warn you.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know it’s not all fun and games here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10, we occasionally do have serious stuff to talk about. Because America’s Christian right has been replaced with a dangerous and scary cult that is out for blood and revenge based on… reasons. Now that President Joe Biden has been with us for over a month and he is putting into place some sweeping protections for our LGBT brothers and sisters, the Christian right is hopping mad! In fact they are currently waging a war for equality! And this is something that does not sit well with us. They don’t abide by the church or to JAYSUS! Instead they abide by all that is dark and EVIL in society!





Religion for me, but none for thee! That’s the way the Christian fascists in the right do things and it’s not pretty. In fact it’s pretty ugly and that’s not what GAWD or JAYSUS would want now, is it? But that said since Biden cannot find religious allies among those in the US because they support the unholy, ungodly Dark One, he must seek answers elsewhere. Like for instance turning to Pope Francis, of which he shares a close alliance with!





So let’s get this straight. The religious right want to continue to more to associate themselves with the most unholy, ungodly, disgusting excuse for a human being imaginable. A man who is so abhorrent that I do not allow his name to be spoken in my church! But an actual man of GAWD? He is cast aside because that’s not what the cult wants! What does the cult want? Now see GAWD forbid that anyone else have a different opinion or orientation that they do!





Now see? You got two independent thought alarms there! The religious right are coming for the marriage decisions whether we want them to or not! So in case you’re wondering what the religious right’s radical agenda is when it comes to the GAWD given rights of our LGBT brothers and sisters, well, it’s the exact opposite of what JAYSUS wants and believe me it’s not good. First they came for the gay community… As the old saying goes!





No we’re allowed to do that, Reverend. So that’s the evil agenda that the religious right is pursuing and they are not on the side of GAWD! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That is it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Mr. Potato Head
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By now you’re probably sick and tired of hearing about “cancel culture”. Well guess what? We’re going to talk about it again! Because social conservatives seem hell bent on driving this talking point into the ground, which is what they do. Which is also why this segment exists. Well this week they’re upset about not one, but two things being “canceled”. Look, we get it. Nobody wants to be derived of having a voice, and this shit is getting to be completely ridiculous. But imagine flipping through the channels to find that Fox News has effectively canceled the doll formerly known as Mr. Potato Head, and for a completely ridiculous reason at that. And really it’s the conservatives that are doing the canceling!





Now come on! I mean in all seriousness, has Mr. Potato Head ever been anatomically correct? I mean seriously unless you’re actually checking the doll for a penis, and who hasn’t, then any outrage you have over this decision is completely null and void. Here’s where the conservative outrage comes in. They pick the pettiest and weirdest battles to fight don’t they? If you tuned into Fox News at all the last week, this is what you got.





Oh come on! Of course it’s a distraction! Did you really think we’d see it any other way? If you’re keeping score at home – they are looking the other way on the Texas climate change disaster that happened last week. But Mr. Potato Head losing the “Mr.”? That’s the outrage to end all outrages and… sigh… that’s why we can’t have nice things. But they’re angry! And oh man are they angry!





So why are conservatives outraged at this? I mean it’s not like we’ve had a killer virus, or a deranged, bloodthirsty cult storm the Capitol, or a catastrophic climate change disaster any time in the last couple of months. But no let’s be outraged that they removed the gender from a toy that really has no gender, and turn the outrage way past 11! I mean come on, Fox! Are you telling me you’re going to look for the penis on a Ken doll? And let’s be honest – if you answer yes to that question, you should probably be put on a sex offender watch list. But sadly conservatives were outraged enough that Hasbro is going to walk back on its’ claims somewhat.








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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! We are coming to you live from our underground bunker deep in the heart of the New Mexico badlands – undisclosed location of course. Just know that it is in New Mexico. And I say “attempt” because there’s no making sense of the Alex Joneses and the Mark Taylors of the world. So there are times when you just have to smile and nod at the ridiculous shit that they say and say “what the fuck”. This week we’re taking a look at a conspiracy being peddled by anti-vaccination crusaders about a microchip being implanted in you when you go to receive the COVID-19 vaccine. And I’m here to tell you this – you are wrong. Just let me adjust my trusty tin foil hat here for maximum government interference to tell you exactly why!





Of course we are, Milhouse! But that’s neither here nor there. But there’s plenty of things out there concerning the vaccine that would leave you to believe some insane bullshit. And there really is some insanity floating out there, folks. But the thing you have to remember is that Facebook is a place where disinformation and unchecked claims run rampant and it can be difficult to separate truth from fiction, but Facebook has a solution for that.





Mmmmmmmmm…. Not really. But even the WHO themselves traveled to China with the idea of putting behind the ridiculous myth that the virus originated in a lab and the outbreak was the result of a careless worker. So why are there so many conspiracy theories out there? The answer is insane, and it’s insane that the WHO had to spend so much time, money, and resources into putting an end to this ridiculous myth!





Not really, you’re among fellow conspiracy theorists, Bart. But then again the people who are watching the watchers are now denying that the watchers exist. That’s right – Q Anon, you know them as the protectors of the children from the child molesters of the world! While Facebook may be cracking down on Q related groups and misinformation, they still haven’t cracked the code. Hell I’m sure even the Q Anon idiots have cracked the code yet, it’s the Da Vinci Code for idiots! And they’re largely responsible for about 95% of the misinformation out there! And come on, who needs microchips when we have cell phones?






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone I don’t know about you but I could really use a drink!



So you know the idea behind this is that we have some drinks and while we’re drinking we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because there’s a lot of dark shit out there. Even coming from this blank blue void in the back room of a Burbank Comedy Club, drinking is still fun, damn it! This week we have to talk about a really crazy thing that happened involving legendary metal band Metallica. No, it doesn’t involve them robbing from the poor and giving to the rich. So tell me, virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about Metallica? Metallica beer? Made by Stone in San Diego? OK I’ll take an extra large glass of that please! So this week Metallica became victims of their own copyright claims. Remember Napster? Think of that but worse, and it seems while we all can’t wait to get back to having live events, your favorite livestream event may be in jeopardy!





Yeah so that happened! Metallica got hit with a taste of their own medicine. You remember the whole Napster incident right? At least you do if you were born before 2001. And it wasn’t just Twitch that got hit with DMCA claims either! Another Metallica live stream got hit with a similar claim and the hilarious part about this? They replaced Metallica’s signature classic “For Whom The Bell Tolls” with real, actual bells! So keep this in mind the next time you buy a ticket for that virtual event!





Now here’s the thing – I am not a copyright attorney. But if I am reading these articles correctly, it could spell doom for certain music streaming platforms and certain games if these claims went any further in court than just a slap on the wrist. Blizzard is obviously very paranoid about selling and licensing this game for obvious reasons, and we don’t blame them one bit. As long as it doesn’t interfere with Diablo 4, we’re good!





Thanks I needed that! And come on! You can’t have a game called “Rock N Roll Racing” without some actual rock n roll! That would be like having a place called “Sal’s Famous Beer Bar” and then not selling any actual beer! But that said these are some very tricky waters to navigate and we suspect things will get worse before they get better. But that said, there are people who are attempting to find work arounds for Twitch’s ultra-strict policies.






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[font size="8"]Stupidest State 2021 Selection Sunday
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16 states will enter, and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!



Welcome welcome welcome! We are back for an unprecedented 5th year in a row! Last year our season nearly got canceled because of the COVID-19 pandemic. But now this year we’re in a place to better manage the tournament. Because the circumstances have changed, normally we would go to venues all over the country. But because we’re being advised against that, we’re consolidating everything into a bubble in Phoenix this year! Why Arizona? Because they’re one of the few places that is still allowing live crowds! That said, let’s do this thing!

[font size="6"]Statement From The Commissioner [/font]

Welcome, welcome, welcome!!! As the official commissioner of the NFFSA, it is my honor and privilege to welcome this year’s squad to the tournament! Last year we faced an extraordinary challenge and circumstance, and I want to thank the teams, their staff, and the NFFSA staff for their unrelenting support in carrying out this year’s games. Also, congratulations again to last year’s winner Florida, I hope that they are still enjoying that victory. This year we’ve got some red hot newcomers and some conference changes! Who will come out on top this year? Only time will tell! But our COVID bubble in Phoenix will make things extra exciting. Now to explain the rules, just like last year, this year will feature two matchups in round 1, then one matchup in round 2, then the Final Four, then the NFFSA championship! For Selection Sunday, we will also be providing you with the states, stats, odds, and info that you can use to fill out your brackets! Also new this year – follow the Top 10 Twitter feed for some Bracketology style info on your states! Now let’s do this thing!

[font size="6"]The Batshit Conference [/font]


The Batshit Conference is the oldest and most distinctive conference in the entire NFFSA with 22 states stretching over a good majority of the country. Diversity is the strength to this division, as is complete and utter batshit craziness. These people are not only crazy, they elect crazy. Batshit Conference winners often assert a distinct method of being unable to tell fiction from reality, and the farther out your conspiracy theories are, the better. It’s not enough that they believe in Bigfoot, aliens, and the Loch Ness Monster, these people believe in Pizzagate, Q Anon, and everything else that makes crazy go even crazier! The Batshit Conference: Still Crazy Since 1859!

1. Georgia: Now you might be thinking “Hey wait a minute, Georgia became a blue state in 2020!”. We are here to tell you you’re wrong! You can take Georgia out of the red, but you can’t take the red out of Georgia! This is the state that gave us batshit Q Anon congress critter Marjorie Taylor Greene, and is toughening laws to make it easier for conservatives to vote and harder for everyone who doesn’t have an R next to their name!
Smoking Gun: Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Batshit) became the quickest congress woman stripped from committees because of her beliefs in far right racist conspiracy theories!
Odds: 2:1 Georgia didn’t make the #1 seed for any reason, they had a strong regular season and are looking to win this whole thing!

2. Kentucky: One of the perennial favorites of the tournament has yet to win a title, but that doesn’t mean that they couldn’t win it all this year! The state that has given us our favorite punching bag, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell also gave us Rand Paul! They are currently fighting a recall against governor Andy Beshear, which, as far as we know, has nothing to do with COVID.
Smoking Gun: Like the rest of us, Kentucky is sick of lockdowns and restrictions, but they’re actually considering limiting the governor’s powers on imposing more!
Odds: 5:1 Kentucky had a strong showing in the regular season, but a series of injuries have threatened to derail one of the best franchises in the league. They could go far, or not.

3. South Dakota: A newcomer to the tournament, the Mount Rushmore State had a strong showing last year, hosting a super spreader motorcycle rally at Sturgis in the middle of the worst pandemic in the last 100 years. On top that, governor Kristi Noem is taking one of the most lax approaches to the entire pandemic with an “anything goes” policy. South Dakota has an entire state population less than that of the city of Miami, but they have plenty of representation in Congress with some crazy representatives and senators!
Smoking Gun: At the height of the MAGA movement, the Trump administration met with South Dakota officials to add Trump’s bust to the historic monument.
Odds: 7:1 We were shocked by this team’s strong showing in the regular season. They could pull off some major upsets if capable.

4. Michigan: Now wait, you might be thinking that Michigan is a blue state! Well, you’re wrong – they’re mostly blue, but they have a dark red underbelly. The Wolverine State had a strong showing in the regular season with some stunning upsets and some of the craziest news in the entire country – most of which spawned the alt right protest movement called “The Boogaloo Bois” and Governor Whitmer becoming the target of hardcore Trump fans.
Smoking Gun: Last August, there was a bizarre plot to kidnap governor Whitman, which involved a bunch of alt right terrorists and a PT Cruiser. Yeah that happened!
Odds: 10:1 They are a long shot to win but could pull off some massive upsets if true.

[font size="6"]The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference [/font]


Excessive greed is the name of the game in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference. It’s not enough that you have one yacht, your entire family has their own fleet of yachts! Yacht rock is for chumps. You can afford to have the real Pablo Cruise play your next boat party! And who needs frequent flyer miles? You've got your own fleet of private jets and selecting the right one for the occasion is a first world problem known only to you and your other billionaire buddies! And millionaires, really, who needs them at all? These people are billionaires and trillionaires! Well maybe not trillionaires, but these people have more money than you’ll ever see in a lifetime. While you’re drudging through an Amazon warehouse that’s visible from space on your third shift, your boss just bought the next 5 Amazon warehouses and will soon employ half the state! You will bow down to your corporate masters and like it, you worthless peasants! The Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference: Your misery is our pleasure since 1952!

1. Kansas The perennial favorites of the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference have been going strong in the last 5 years. Fraud and billionaire insanity is rampant in Kansas. Kansas is the home to Koch Industries, which recently saw the death of one of the Kochs, and that’s concrete proof that you can’t take it with you! But in addition to the greed, Kansas is rife with insanity and one of the first states to completely lift restrictions all in the name of money!
Smoking Gun: Kansas shut down their unemployment system to deal with rampant, incriminating fraud in the offices!
Odds: 5:1 Kansas is usually the perennial favorite to win this conference, but they had a lot of injuries in the regular season. Expect if they win for them to go far.

2. Wyoming Wyoming is a newcomer to the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, but they have had some strong showings this year. In fact so much that your favorite celebrities and business tycoons are leaving Silicon Valley and Hollywood for Jackson Hole. The fresh air, low population, and lack of regulations means you can own plenty of land and not be bothered by the neighbors! It does a mind and wallet good!
Smoking Gun: The state is so broke because of the lack of taxes that they’re considering a whopping $100 million cut to education. That’s gonna leave a mark!
Odds 7:1 : Clear underdogs in the tournament, they could turn out to be a Cinderella story if they beat the reigning champs.

3. Nevada: The casino and gambling industry took a nose dive when COVID-19 hit as the once bustling Vegas strip became a virtual ghost town almost literally overnight. While many of Vegas’ most prominent institutions, like MGM and Caesar’s, are now finding new homes online, Vegas is looking to rebuild their tourism industry. As long as you don’t count the socially distanced homeless people sleeping in the casino parking lots.
Smoking Gun: The cancellation of Reno’s famed Burning Man festival cost the state a whopping $3 billion in much needed tourist revenue.
Odds: 7:1 The Silver State has a lot of competition in this category but they got hot at the right time so expect them to go far.

4. Iowa: The Hawkeye State makes its’ long awaited return to the conference championships and they’re out looking for revenge! There’s lots of farmland in Iowa and with it comes excessive greed and hardcore racism! Yes, the state that gave us Charles Grassley and Steve King has reelected these old racist coots for who knows how many terms they’ve served? And on the home front things look scarier and more dire than ever, and it really shows.
Smoking Gun: In a half assed attempt to reopen the state to revive the economy, Gov. Reynolds did not consult experts prior to lifting restrictions!
Odds: 7:1 – very evenly matched in this conference, they are looking to make a big splash in this year’s tournament!

[font size="6"]The Gun Nut Conference [/font]


If you’ve got an itchy trigger finger, a bullet-proof vest, and a massive safe full of the latest in fully automatic and semi-automatic protection, then this is the conference for you! You carry your guns in your belt, your sleeve, and your ankle holster, because you never know when you can't be too quick on the quick draw! It’s the conference where the debate between concealed carry and open carry is considered a contact sport! The cops will pull you over and ask for your driver’s license and your NRA membership. Waiting periods are for chumps! You want your guns and you want them now, and it doesn’t matter who you have to stomp on! Why not take your gun to Chili’s? You’re a raging maniac and you’ve deserved that write. There’s no amount of firepower that will satisfy you, you want all the guns and all the ammo! The Gun Nut Conference: Shooting first and asking questions later since 1896!

1. Florida: What is there to say about the Sunshine State that hasn’t already been said? The state once referred to as “America’s Wang” by Homer Simpson, is the home to Miami, which is where Trump lives now, and Orlando, which recently hosted CPAC. Florida loves them some guns, they have one of the highest capita of gun owners in the country, and they’re not afraid to use them! And in Florida you’re allowed to carry your guns everywhere.
Smoking Gun: Florida is proposing a law that would allow open carry of guns in churches! What could go wrong there?
Odds: 2:1 Last year’s champions are going to give any competitors a run for their money – provided that Florida Man doesn’t screw up first!

2. Texas: Our 2019 reigning champion loves them some guns and they are looking to make a comeback after getting trounced by last year’s reigning champion Florida. They say everything’s bigger in Texas – the guns, the spectacles, the COVID cases, and even the people! But big guns aren’t the only thing Texas has going for it! In fact they also harbor some old timey apocalyptic end of the world fantasy religion! Carrying out the apocalypse and doing it large, that’s the Texas way!
Smoking Gun: Texas’ complete lack of environmental restrictions meant the state suffered one of its’ worst climate change disasters in history!
Odds: 2:1 The odds on favorite to win this year’s conference and even the odds on favorite to win the Layover League, expect them to go far!

3. Idaho The Gem State switched back to the Gun Nut Conference after bowing out early last year, but they’re not giving up! Last year their gun credentials are strong! Idaho bought more guns than anyone else in the entire country, and this is during a raging pandemic! And rural Idaho (read every city in the state not named Boise) is packing some serious heat, and is a hotbed for NRA membership and you can bet that your neighbors are carrying!
Smoking Gun: After a record year of school-related shootings, Iowa is looking to pass a law aimed at allowing people to carry guns in school, what could go wrong there?
Odds: 7-1 Iowa had a strong showing at the beginning of the season but then injuries plagued their team. But they are looking to rebuild and go far.

4.Oregon The Badger State is looking to lick its’ chops after getting a serious beat down last year and they’re not going out quietly. Oregon may be the home to liberal utopia Portland, but Portland has become the battleground city for weekly cage matches between the Proud Boys and Antifa. Outside of Portland isn’t much better – the firearm rules all and it’s inspired some people to do some extremely crazy things, like take over bird sanctuaries. Oregon packs some serious heat and they’re not afraid to use it either!
Smoking Gun: Oregon’s GOP proposed a controversial law that would allow individual jurisdictions to decide open carry laws. What could go wrong there?
Odds: 9-1 A very long shot, they’ve got some strong competition ahead. But if they stay healthy they could shock the pundits.

[font size="6"]The Family Values Conference [/font]


All things are about Jesus in the Family Values Conference! The Bible Belt is proudly worn on your waist, sleeve, and magic underwear in this conference, where something is put in the holy water and it’s not the hand of God, either! Who needs the government when your parish is your governor? The lord of all things holy watches over each and every resident in these states, and going to church is the only form of entertainment most have! While you’re out committing those sins, you godless heathen, your electors are looking to strip away your rights and give them to the church, making the church the most powerful entity out there. It’s the states where the Red Hot Chili Peppers are replaced with Hillsong United on the radio and there’s more Chik-Fil-A locations than there are Starbucks. If you’re counting down the days until the rapture and wondering which prayer to say before breakfast, then the Family Values Conference is for you! The Family Values Conference: Proudly converting the non-believers since 1896!

1. Indiana The Sooner State got bumped up to the #1 seed this year after an abysmal showing last year. The state that gave us our now former Vice President, Mike Pence, also gave us Trump Supreme Court justice Amy Comey Barrett! And what’s fueling Indiana’s rise to the top? A super-secret underground Catholic Cult called People Of Praise that originated in South Bend at Notre Dame and came into the spotlight during the nomination!
Smoking Gun: People Of Praise has earned comparisons to an obscure Nazi cult from the 1940s, that can’t be good, right?
Odds: 2 – 1 They owned the regular season this year and impressed the judges enough to get bumped to the #1 seed! Expect them to go very far.

2. Ohio: The Buckeye State has some of the largest and oldest congregations in the entire United States of America. The home to The Ohio State University (don’t forget the “the”, damn it) and Jim Jordan is also the home to some old school fire and brimstone religion. The state is also home to some of the strictest abortion laws in the entire country! And they are going to be a force to be reckoned with in this conference!
Smoking Gun: Ohio’s controversial heartbeat law echoes the one recently passed in South Carolina that could deal a serious blow to women’s rights.
Odds: 5:1 They had a strong showing in the regular season but got hammered by injuries, playing #1 seed won’t help them but they could score a major upset if healthy enough.

3. Mississippi: The Magnolia State has a small but very loyal fanbase that keeps them coming back for more. The state has elected some absolutely crazy leaders in the last 20 years and is currently led by Tate Reeves, a man who is an old school fire and brimstone religious man who believes that Biden’s policy regarding trans people is a “social experiment”. Mississippi has also proposed numerous religious liberty cases, cementing their Bible belt beliefs!
Smoking Gun: Thanks to Mississippi’s religious nuts, they only have one abortion clinic in the entire state – which did not receive any medication in the last year thanks to a SCOTUS ruling.
Odds: 7:1 They are a long shot to win but could shock the conference if they pull off an upset against a 1 or 2 seed.

4. Arkansas Arkansas was one of the original winners of this conference. While they sat out last year due to injuries, they are coming back strong this year! The Natural State is a religious conservative playground with many small towns and many large churches! They’re also home to former governor Mike Huckabee. Arkansas also has one of the highest divorce rates in the entire country. The religious nuts in the state also oppose hate crimes bills and embraces old school LGBT restrictions!
Smoking Gun: Arkansas is planning a bill that would allow medical providers to discriminate based on religious reasons!
Odds: 7:1 They had a rocky regular season but could pull off an upset or two if healthy enough.

[font size="4"]The Schedule: [/font]

We’re doing things a bit differently this year because of COVID travel restrictions but here we go!



[font size="4"]The Bracket: [/font]

Here's the brackets! Fill them out and post your predictions!



[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

We are taking a week off but to kick things off starting on 3/18 it’s a battle of the Batshit as #3 South Dakota takes on #4 Michigan, while over in the Family Values conference, #1 Ohio takes on #2 Indiana in a rivalry showdown!




We’re going to take a short break next week, we’ll be back on 3/18/21 in our new Thursday time slot with a brand new edition and the kickoff of Stupidest State 2021! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 24, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-5: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-5: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future. I mean look at the color of this background! It's so blue! Holy fucking shit! Are we living in the year 2021 or is this 2020 in extra innings? Or maybe 2021 is 2020 wearing a ridiculously comical and painfully obvious Scooby Doo mask and is just waiting for the big reveal at the end of the episode. Either way this has been a truly batshit crazy fucking week and we’ve got a lot of idiocy to bring you. But first let’s talk about cancel culture – it’s a favorite talking point among social conservatives. Because let’s face it, nobody wants to get canceled but if you say something racist or sexist or you call for violence, expect to get some serious shit thrown at you! So what I’m talking about is starting this weekend is the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC. The agenda for the conference has been circulating online and one topic in particular has caught my eye – “So you’ve been deplatformed, now what?”. Which is a much better title than “Are you there GAB, it’s me, Margaret!”. Yeah I thought so! But conservatives are so afraid of getting “canceled” that they’re literally shitting bricks about the subject. OK maybe they’re not literally shitting bricks but I can sum this particular forum up in one sentence. Guys if you’re that scared of being “canceled”, maybe, I don’t know, don’t say or do things that would get you in that position? OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he discusses the humiliating position and horrifying conditions that America’s meat packing workers have been going through since COVID hit. Holy crap is this insane:



Last week when we were literally getting the show ready for air, Rush Limbaugh passed away at age 70 from stage 4 lung cancer. So to pay tribute, we are going to mourn the original Conservative Idiot (1) by playing his greatest hits which I can assure you are not flattering at all. Taking the second slot this week is of course the State Of Texas (2) and if you want to get a preview of what it’s like if conservative hell were to literally freeze over, just look at the extremely horrifying events that unfolded next week. Don’t worry we won’t make fun, we’ll keep it tasteful. Taking the number 3 slot this week, speaking of Texas, is Senator Ted Fucking Cruz (3). That’s right, Raphael, we’re not letting you off the hook for skipping town in one of the worst climate disasters in the state’s history! At slot #4 this week is the guy who’s our former president, Donald J. Trump (4). So Atlantic City says goodbye to your era in the most Atlantic City way possible, what do you do? Take the spotlight once again at CPAC, now operating under the title “Disgraced former 45th president of the United States”. In slot #5 is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and look, everyone hates wearing face masks, but an alarming study by the FDA and a seizure by the FBI has shown that there’s fakes out there. Yeah fake masks are now a thing thanks to COVID-19. At slot #6 this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week our resident pastor is going to take a look at the violent side of the Bible, because there’s something out there that is making the most fervent right wingers into violent psychopaths, and it’s time to find out what! Taking the #7 slot this week is the return of Parler (7) and with the return of Parler is another look into the depraved and warped minds posting on that site in Parlerfiles! At the #8 seed this week is a new “This Fucking Guy” and we have a twofer – we’re profiling insane Trump attorney Lin Wood, and insane Trump sycophant Ali Alexander, the psycho behind those “Stop The Steal” rallies that you might have seen popping up in your town! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week it’s our very last and final Road To The White House! We did it and we will share our final thoughts on Biden being #46! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Rush Limbaugh
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So as we were finalizing last week’s edition, just as we were getting ready to go on, we got word that Rush Limbaugh, the original conservative idiot has died. Now rather than title this week’s edition something snarky, we decided instead to simply name it after the book that put Al Franken on the political radar: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot. And boy was he. You know what folks? Death isn’t always sad. Rush Limbaugh was a garbage human being. He was a serial womanizer, liar, bully, and an abusive jerk who enabled the serial liars, bullies, and abusive jerks of the world. His divisive rhetoric gave us the most divisive president in American history. If you’re a garbage person in life, that doesn’t excuse your behavior in death. You can’t all of a sudden flip a switch and think he’s the greatest person on earth. Ask Michael Jackson how well that went. What? Too soon? You know the irony of this? He succumbed to the very disease he once called a hoax and literally blew smoke in the faces of its’ victims.





Yeah that guy is pretty much Rush Limbaugh in a nutshell. And in death he’s not done with his work of dividing America. We’re more divided than ever. If you want to know just how divisive Limpballs was, then I will be posting some of his greatest hits here. Yeah if you have any barf bags you might want to get them out now, because it’s going to get pretty dark pretty quick. And there’s plenty more where this came from.





Oh and let’s not forget his casual dips into hardcore racism. That isn’t being forgotten either, especially as the racists and gun nuts merged into one psychopathic entity, much like a really fucked up ending to Terminator 2. And let’s not forget what he said about Michael J. Fox either. A man who was the lead in one of my personal favorite movies of all time, Back To The Future. We’re not letting him get away with that one either.





Oh man if we had an audience right now you can bet they would be booing as loudly as possible. That is fucked up! It is so fucked up! And if you want to know what he really thinks about people who have had crippling cancer, well, let’s just say that he got what was coming to him. In fact I’m reminded of George Carlin’s bit about cigars. Think about this as you see what he said about gay men suffering from AIDS, one of the worst possible ways to go. Yes, Rush Limbaugh, may you rot in peace.



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[font size="8"]Texas Weather Crisis

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Our policy here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is that we try to encourage you to know that elections have consequences. And that doesn’t matter if it’s at the state, local, national level. When you vote, leave no box unchecked. Now you might be asking what does this have to do with the Texas climate change disaster last week? Well, I answer you this: it has to do a whole fucking lot with what happened in Texas last week. If you elect disastrous politicians, you’re going to find your self at the hands of an unthinkable disaster. It’s that fucking simple! And don’t worry Ted Cruz, we’re not letting you get away with this. We’re saving that for the next entry! But really this is a colossal fuck up of epic proportions and no one is spared in this. No one!





Holy shit! Let’s think about this for a minute – try de-icing a fucking airplane when there’s no de-icing equipment available anywhere in the state! Not only that, the elected officials dismissed climate change and thought it was a joke. And if you think I’m joking about this, if you want to see the cruelty of Gov. Abbott in action, just check out Idiots # 7-3 when he cared more about Chik Fil A getting banned from San Antonio Airport, or Idiots #4-19 when he suggested that schools have too many exits to allow mass shooters to enter. That’s the kind of conservative idiot we’re dealing with here!





That’s right! I know there’s no audience right now but I can hear you booing through the power of telepathy! Greg Abbott might easily be the straight winner for the worst governor in America – by, and this is what we in the show business call – a long shot. He had the audacity to blame windmills for the reason the power went out! Taking a page from Trump are we? Yeah remember when he said windmills give you cancer? I do! Oh and here’s the kind of politician Texas elects. Rather than face this disaster head on, this guy decided to flee and leave his constituents to fend for themselves! Oh 2021, and I thought you were going to be a much better year.






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[font size="8"]Ted Cruz
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Where’s my guitar at? Gather around kids, and let me tell you the tale of the Senator who decided to flee! That’s about the extent of my guitar playing and songwriting abilities. Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what are we going to do with you? It’s not just that your state fucked up at the state level. Texas is so chock full of such batshit crazy politcians that it fucked up on every single level. But here’s what makes this so fucking crazy. It’s that Ted Cruz actually fled the border with his family seeking refuge in a place that’s much warmer and had power. But the story goes much deeper than that, we haven’t even begun yet to scratch the surface on what a colossal fuck up this story has been. And Ted Cruz is really just tanking his career at this point.





Seriously, Ted Cruz i a real life Mayor Quimby! Hey you get that steel drum out of the senator's office!



That is true! Even worse is that is that Ted Cruz didn’t stop there. The man is an absolute monster and he had the audacity to blame his family for this fuck up. That’s right – he’s the kind of conservative who would literally throw his own kids under the bus if it meant saving his own ass. On top of that we’re still in a raging pandemic and we can’t travel anywhere. So why is Ted Cruz fleeing town?





I mean seriously, Ted Cruz is the kind of guy who would have blamed the dog for eating his homework in the 4th grade. Now here’s where it gets weird, and you knew it was going to. He not only brought his best friend from college on the trip, he stayed in the Ritz Carlton! That’s not the place you go on an emergency trip! That’s the kind of place you go when you’re relaxing on the beaches during the day and drinking margaritas at night, all while pretending not to be a tourist!





I’d expect that kind of thing from Mayor Quimby! And he’s hateable because he’s a rich idiot who keeps getting reelected in spite of being a rich idiot! Though you could say the same about Ted Cruz, the man who ate bacon off a machine gun (see: Idiots #1-2). But ask Ted what he thinks about this debacle and he will tell you that it’s not me, it’s the media’s fault! I told you he’d play the persecution card! If you’re a conservative all you have to do is cry to Fox News and they’ll believe any disgusting spin!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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The downfall of Donald J. Trump, aka Loser 45, is the gift that keeps on giving. Back in late December, it was announced that Atlantic City was going to dear down the last remaining beacon of the Trump Mafia’s reign in the gambling city – Taj Mahal. The casino had been boarded up and closed down for 7 years, finally meeting its’ end this week. The only downside to this story is that I wish that I had been the one to pull the trigger and send that tower into a smoldering rubble. But this week it was revealed that Atlantic City had sent the Trump tower to its’ ultimate demise. And that’s before the NYSG laid the smack down too. Don’t worry we will get to that in a minute!





I’m with that guy by the way! They could have blown up Taj Mahal with Trump inside and no one would miss him other than the MAGAs! Yeah but I’m not touching that with a 10 foot pole. But what is worth touching on (see what I did there?) is the SCOTUS decision on Trump’s taxes. Don’t worry we are going to keep a huge eye on this subject. It seems now that Trump is a private citizen, he’s subject to the same laws as the rest of us are!





Yeah he’s definitely boned all right! So exactly what are prosecutors hoping to gain from looking at Trump’s tax returns? Well everyone knows that he kept them hidden for 5 years which could reveal some seriously shady business dealings, potential criminals he owes money to, and it could potentially reveal anything incriminating like he profited from the presidency. Well the answer to that is “well fucking duh! It doesn’t take a forensic auditor to reveal that information!”.





So think of this like a jigsaw puzzle – and one that could potentially incriminate the former president of the United States at that! And don’t worry we will keep an eye on this as it develops. As it stands right now, Trump is in some serious deep shit. And he’ll probably blame his subsequent arrest and trial on the deep state. But the truth is, he did it. And if he’s found guilty, he will be going away for a very long time, so kiss 2024 goodbye! Oh by the way, the answer to the question of if he profited while he was serving as president? The answer to that question is fucking yes of course he did!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Is Your Mask Fake?
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



We’re nearly one year into the deadly COVID-19 pandemic that has claimed nearly 500,000 American lives. Now nearly everyone is asking the same questions. When will social distancing and mask wearing end for good? When will pandemic protocols end? And the thing is that nobody likes wearing the masks but we have to at the moment. Everyone is preparing for that time. With the advent of the vaccines, we’re learning that a black market for vaccines is emerging. Now there’s another side to the pandemic that is creating potentially new headaches. Black market masks. That’s right – the mask you’re wearing on your face to protect you from COVID-19 might be fake. This is a stunningly evil practice and the US just cracked down on the black market for masks.





But the numbers don’t stop there, it’s absolutely startling how it got this way. In fact the fake masks are stemming to nearly a dozen states now, making it almost impossible for the feds to control. At a time when personal protection equipment (PPE) is as important as clothing or shoes, knowing that you have a mask that meets federal standards is important. But how far does this go?





Oh yes it’s real. Fake. Real fake. So how do you identify whether the mask you have is real or fake and what do you do about it? Well there’s plenty of ways to determine and whether or not you have a real N95 mask or a fake one. So use caution when you are ordering your masks online and make sure that they meet a few simple requirements. Then you are good to go.




Yes probably. But until the COVID-19 pandemic is over you can never be too careful about having the right protection should you have to leave your house. But just as with the amount of fake products circulating on the internet right now, make no mistake that fake pandemic protection is becoming a real problem. The seizures at the Long Island Port Authority have shown that this could have the potential to be problematic as more people discover that they have purchased fake equipment.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! It is time that we talk about the violent side of the Bible. See, our Good Book doesn’t have the kind of violent imagery that you see in the real Holy Bible. But before I get into that, I really want to talk about this comment that I saw coming from the Fox News channel. Yes, I happen to stumble upon it in my quarters while I was watching the SINS being committed on our regular television. But every once in a while you see something out there that is so stupid, so mind-boggling dumb that you can’t help but wonder if this is what JAYSUS would even think! And let’s not go over the 9 million ways GAWD struck down vengeance in the Holy Bible, because I could do that standing on my head thank you very much!





Oh but cancel culture does exist in the Bible! Need I remind you that GAWD canceled out an entire city when he destroyed Sodom? Or what about angels battling angels? That’s some old, old, really old school cancel culture! But it’s not the Bible that is the threat. It’s white Christian nationalism that is the threat and their followers are getting weirder and scarier. Which is why we need to address this this week, because while we make fun, we’re really poking the bear here.





Yes, Senator Hawley is a perfect example of what happens when Christian extremists turn violent and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of this. And when someone says they want you to live by their values, run and run the other way fast! Because that’s not what the GOOD LAWRD JAYSUS would want now, is it? Because his values are not what your values are. But here’s the thing – even now that the unholy, ungodly Dark One is gone from power, his crap still remains!





But here’s the thing they’re not telling you – today’s young Christians are proud and more violent than ever. They will make you pray, and that’s after shooting first and asking questions later. And while most of our congregations have overwhelmingly supported the unholy, ungodly Dark One – a man who is so disgusting that his name shall not be spoken in my church, real or virtual! But he has turned the pulpit violent, and there’s no going back!





And that’s all you need isn’t it? Well don’t expect the violence to die down any time soon because it’s going to get ugly. Just sit back, grab some popcorn and watch the show. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Parlerfiles
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So when the far right gets butthurt by real world social media sites – Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube - and retreats to their safe spaces of Parler, Gab, Dlive, and Telegram, that’s where we come in! Oh yeah they think they can hide anonymously behind a user name and a teenage girl icon (don’t ask me why, it gets more likes) but we’re coming for them. There is some seriously batshit crazy stuff coming from the alt right and we’re going to find the latest posts and dissect their craziness as we find them. And here’s the thing, normally this is a free-floating segment where we usually don’t have any news, but this week we actually have a story to start us off with!





So that said let’s go through and dissect some Parler posts. Oh my god these people are batshit fucking crazy. I am particularly drawn to the posts coming from an account called “Clay The…” and it’s impossible to tell if this guy is for real, or if he’s a troll, or what the drug of choice he might be smoking or inhaling is. But nevertheless, thanks to the Twitter feed called @Patriottakes, there’s no shortage of good Clay material.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363902646298443777

What’s a demon tag? You know what? Let us know in the comments what you think a demon tag is, because I’m sure it’s code for something. Either that or he can’t use a keyboard. Then this one makes absolutely no sense.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363229005621551104



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! He broke the grammar checker robot! But even Clay has to pay his respects to R4vch Lebrumbgew! Even when I intentionally type something wrong it comes off looking like an airline conformation code. And here’s another one – just trying to unravel the mystery of Clay The is stunningly maddening. What does he do? Pull a keyboard cat and start madly typing out the words hoping to form a coherent sentence?

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1362068056579731463

But then some of these just make absolutely no sense, and I will post them here without comment because these are fucking crazy. Your head will explode Kingsman style if you even dare try to comprehend what Clay is saying. No amount of English majors or 4th grade grammar teachers could ever properly diagram a Clay sentence. I’m calling it now.

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1362071243810365444
https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1362067477904166913
https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1362471050559295500



Well at least we’ll sleep easier knowing more about Clay’s balls! Moving on there’s some other batshit crazy stuff being posted on Parler. What’s even better right now is the social media circle jerk firing squad right now – Gab users are attacking Parler users, and Parler users are attacking Gab users, so sit back, relax, and grab a bag of popcorn and your favorite beverage and watch the show!

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363860183026294786

Here’s the thing, if you don’t want to be canceled, maybe, I don’t know, don’t do anything that might get you canceled? I’m just throwing that suggestion out there. And in case you’re wondering if they have some good old fashioned hardcore racism, oh yeah they got it!

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363963688588247040

And you can also bet our old buddy Alex Jones is flocking to the site, where he’s touting the “banned videos” and his precious armored tank:

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363954151495884804

But at least this guy is honest!

https://twitter.com/patriottakes/status/1363952844454252545



And with that it’s time to close the files for this week! Don’t worry, we hope to get some Gab, Dlive, and Telegram posts soon!




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Ali Alexander And Lin Wood
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Trump always attracts the best people to his cause doesn’t he? That’s why this week we’ve got a double feature on This Fucking Guy – in this corner, we have Trump’s batshit crazy attorney and hardcore racist Lin Wood! And in this corner, we have the guy who is vying to be Trump’s running mate on the 2024 ticket, the guy who is behind those “Stop The Steal” rallies that you might have seen popping up in your neighborhood – Ali Alexander! And here’s the thing, guys, if you are conspiring to take down the 2nd most powerful man in the world, maybe, I don’t know, don’t advertise it on MSNBC beforehand! And hey I always thought they hated MSNBC. Remember all the shit we had to put up with when they called it “MSDNC”? Well anyway guys, you don’t dox the doxxers because otherwise you will be on the receiving end of an FBI probe, and trust us, you don’t want that!





Yes doxing the doxxers isn’t just a crime – it might be considered “light treason”. And you know what? Is there any person connected to Trump or the Trump campaign that isn’t batshit fucking crazy? Here’s how crazy Lin Wood is. He’s so crazy that the Georgia State Bar Association is looking to remove him from membership! And I mean come on, this is the state that elected Marjorie Taylor Greene. So you know that Lin Wood doesn’t scratch the surface of Georgia crazy!





That’s future footage of Trump by the way! As if one brand crazy isn’t enough, there’s another brand of crazy that Trump attracts. Meet Ali Alexander. He’s the organizer of those “Stop The Steal” rallies that have been popping up, probably in your city! Never mind that they have ties to anti-vaxxers and far right militias, and not to mention the usual crop of suspects like Roger Stone and Rudy Guiliani. But if you see a group like this in your neighborhood, you can rest assured they are all over the fucking place!





Oh yeah? Well I’ll build my own city with blackjack and hookers! Really, these two goons are made for each other. So if you want to know the kind of person that might attend a rally hosted by Ali Alexander, well they’re about the caliber of person you might expect. And don’t expect these rallies to go away anytime soon. I’ve seen the ones in my town dwindle and they’ll probably soon cease to exist. It will be one guy dressed in a clown suit with a bunch of Trump flags flying from his back.





So conniving and scheming to build their own places, and getting kicked out of the Bar Association and banned from Twitter. That’s Lin Wood and Ali Alexander, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb! And how you define a stupid person in this segment is the same way Dwight Schrute would. Ask yourself “If I were to do something, would an idiot do that thing? And if they would, I don’t do that thing”. So use this segment as a handy guide for things we shouldn’t do. Even in the middle of a still raging pandemic. I want to start with stupid AI bots. Even in the world of super computers, the AI bots are no better than the people who program them. A YouTube algorithm that is designed for checking the trending status of videos actually violated Youtube’s own terms of service agreement because… it flagged the video’s use of “black” and “white” chess pieces for being racist! Yeah… and people wonder why other people hate “cancel culture”.





Yeah I think we’ve been under Trump too long when our AI bots can’t distinguish real conversation from actual hate speech. Moving on… next up, speaking of stupid people and machines, would you really trust your male organ parts to a device that can be locked electronically and hacked by Wifi? Seriously I don’t even trust my phone to connect to my car stereo by Bluetooth. You must have balls of… oh wait… what would you call this thing?





That is a good question! Next up on People Are Dumb – we go to the south of the border to Cajeme, Mexico for this one. Now there’s nothing funny about someone stabbing someone no matter what the situation is. OK yes I know George Carlin said you can joke about anything. But what makes this dumb is not that the woman stabbed her husband in a fit of jealous rage. But what happens after the fit of psychotic passion. Yes, plot twist!





Next up – we go to our favorite state, the great state of Florida. Because no “People Are Dumb” segment is complete without a trip to the Sunshine State, or as Homer Simpson famously called it, “America’s Wang”. First up you know those De Beers commercials when they show people giving people elaborate diamonds in romantic settings? Well I don’t know what this next story is, but it’s quite the opposite of that!





Yeah probably. Maybe, and I don’t know here, don’t steal an engagement ring and give it to another girlfriend. Finally this week – OK look we’re all tired of the pandemic and we all want to see normal life come back. So get the vaccine people. But really don’t cheat or do anything that could get you arrested as you wait for your turn in line. That’s where these idiots come into play. But really just remember Dwight’s thoughts on idiots and you are good.





That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to the coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! This is the very last and final one of these we’re ever going to do. Now don’t be sad. We’ll be back in 2024 when Biden will run for office again and we hopefully won’t be in a raging pandemic! For our final thoughts on what has been an absolutely insane election cycle, we thought we’d go over Biden’s poll numbers after his first month in office and the things he’s done to get there. Because you know what? Now that the other guy is now a private citizen and been kicked off social media, who the fuck cares? This might be one of the best headlines I’ve ever seen and this is after four years of President Shithead McFuckface!





Oh man that felt good! And you know what? The Trump fans can claim that Biden is sitting in his basement all they want when he’s actually at the Oval Office and making policies both national and international. So yeah who the hell cares what they think anymore? And the best part is that he’s doing this as he is undoing Trump’s dangerous agenda! I like to call this “the untrumpening”. Not a horror movie either!





Even on the economy Biden is polling better than Trump. Imagine that! A guy who puts honor over humanity is actually good for the economy! Unlike Trump, who put himself and his ego over just about everything else. Right now, we need a guy like Joe Biden in the White House because he represents the honor that this nation needs after Trump came in like a bull in a china shop. Both literally and figuratively, I might add.





Oh man this is so excellent! And I must say everybody job well fucking done. From Stacy Abrahams flipping Georgia to Beto getting the vote out in Texas to strong showings in North Carolina and Ohio – both red states – we are going to turn the United States even bluer in 2024. Now that Rush Limbaugh is dead, let’s make Limbaughism history. We did it! Let’s celebrate this one. The battle may be won, but the war is far from over!










See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 21, 2021

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Seriously, Ted Cruz i a real life Mayor Quimby! Hey you get that steel drum out of the senator's office!

**canned audience laughter and applause**

This week the Top 10 is all new live from Burbank! We mourn the death of the original Conservative Idiot - Rush Limbaugh by playing his greatest hits, and they're not flattering! Plus the Texas Climate Change Disaster, we have a recap of CPAC, we probe the latest in the Capitol Riots, Atlantic City says goodbye to Trump, we profile two batshit Trump sycophants - Lin Wood and Ali Alexander, and we welcome the return of Parler with another look into the alt right social media depths of depravity! Plus in our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates - is your mask fake? A new federal crackdown on bogus COVID masks shows that yes, the sketchy black market for COVID products exists! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit" - our resident pastor is going to take a look at the more violent side of the Bible! Do what they say or God will destroy you! We also have a new People Are Dumb because of course they are! Finally it's our very last Road To The White House! Can't believe it took us this long but we finally did it!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wed at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion

February 17, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-4: It's Always Sunny In Philly-Delphia Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-4: It’s Always Sunny In Philly-Delphia Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! OMG - breaking fucking news. As we were getting ready to tape this week's episode, Rush Limbaugh is dead! The Wicked Witch is dead! Don't worry, we will cover it in full next week. So on with our regularly scheduled program. How’s everybody doing? Of course we’re still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future, so there’s that. I mean look at this backdrop! It’s so blue!!! But some good news – we are just two weeks away from our annual scourge of stupidity – the 2021 Stupidest State! Yay!! Do we have time for the thing? Anyways I think we’ve all been on Zoom too long don’t you think? I mean I am seriously getting a serious case of eye strain. My eyes literally can’t take anymore staring at a computer screen. And I’m sure that’s what happened when a lawyer in Presidio County, Texas turned on his Zoom to attend a hearing, only to find that his chat filter had been replaced with… a cat filter! That’s right – there’s a picture of the judge, two attorneys… and the third guy is pictured as a talking cat! Yes, think of this as a really fucked up version of the Brady Bunch intro. Except one of the Bradys is a cat! I’m looking at you, Marcia! Oh and if you guess that the guy – whose real name is Rod Ponton, which is a very West Texas name, is selling merchandise – you are correct! That’s right you can now buy Zoom Cat merchandise, and really in the grand scheme of things this is more believable than Ted Cruz unable to analyze reality from satire! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and discussing the Next Pandemic. Dear god I don’t want to think about it!



So in the number one slot this week, of course is the former president of the United States, Donald Trump (1) and we have to bring you the highlights and lowlight of his second impeachment trial. Yeah it’s all BLM and Antifa’s faults! Taking the second slot this week is Jacob Chansley (2). You might know him better as the Q Anon Shaman from the Capitol Riots (2). And if you guessed that his arrest has forced him to revaluate his life, you might be correct! Taking the #3 slot this week is another dip into the international Conservative Idiots file with our segment “What’s Up With India?” and we’re going to take a look at the farmer’s revolt against brutal PM Narajendra Modi (3), it’s another look at the creeping fascism that is engulfing the globe at the moment! In slot #4 this week is Q Anon (4) – it seems the conspiracy theory is unraveling at the seems and they keep moving back the goal posts to when Trump’s “real” inauguration is going to be. In the #5 slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates, and this week we’re going to take a look at an alarming FDA study that says that your baby food might be toxic! Yup that is happening. In the #6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6), and this week – the Christian right is turning up their propaganda to 11 and they’re coming up with some ridiculous prophecies in regards to current events, and our resident pastor will help you sort fact from fiction! In the #7 slot this week we’re bringing back one of our favorite segments – “Is It Racist?” (7) and this week there’s a lot of racism in the news including (former) Mandalorian star Gina Carano and country star Morgan Wallen. In the #8 slot this week we have a new “This Fucking Guy” and this week we’re profiling Christian financial guru Dave Ramsey (8) and whew, this guy is a colossal dick, but you probably already knew that! In the #9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” and this week we’re going to get drunk and tell you the strange tail of the Gorilla Glue Girl, well, at least it has a happy ending. No, not that kind of happy ending! Finally this week is our penultimate “Road To The White House” (10) and this week we’re going to educate Trump fans on what a president really does, and that he doesn’t need to congratulate himself every time he does something presidential! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Hey! I’m just going to rile up my armed followers to enter the Capitol to stop an election that was already decided based on deranged conspiracies being floated about by my most loyal fans! How’s anyone gonna get hurt?





You know last week when we started planning this week’s edition. And it really looked like there was actually a slight possibility that Trump could get acquitted! And the keyword there is “slight”. Yeah I know that there’s no way in hell he would have actually been convicted for the Capitol Riots, but a man can dream can’t he? And I will admit that I had a totally different idea planned for this entry but then the trial went out and fizzled out on its’ own and we’re left with a “not guilty” verdict. And yeah don’t worry, Mitch, we haven’t forgot about you, you coward! And for god sakes people! Let’s get a grip here, Trump may have been acquitted! But he’ll never be pardoned!





Dude, seriously, Trump could have Charlie as his attorney and he’d still probably get the same outcome of that trial! But hey, at least the guy who did serve as Trump’s attorney, provided some comic relief from the proceedings. I’m sure everyone was as nervous as I was, but hey we kind of expected this going into the trial. But that said, it’s always sunny in Philly-Delphia! Seriously, where are Frank, Mac, Dennis, and Charlie when you need them?





Poor choice of words there, Charlie. Though I think Trump might be into that sort of thing. Yeah it’s a really shitty situation and you could say that the Dems were walking into a trap, and I might say that you’re right. But the truth is that Trump needs to be punished for what happened on Jan. 6th, it’s not like we can pretend it didn’t happen. But the good news is that his defeat in 2020 has exposed new light on the circular firing squad that is the GOP.





Well it could always pan out that way! But when you’re the head of a mob, don’t be surprised when you get compared to other mobsters. Yeah I wanted to bring highlights from the trial, but since there really wasn’t a trial, I can bring you this. at least Trump is being compared to being the mob boss that he is, rather than previous presidents. John Gotti may have earned the nickname “Teflon Don” but I think Trump could easily secure that title!






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[font size="8"]Q Anon Shaman
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OK so you know how many of us usually have that stream of conscious that when you do something that is really fucked up, it causes you to rethink your life choices? For many who were involved in the horrific events of January 6th, that decision was when they decided to enter the Capitol. And now many of them regret following the pied piper that is our former president. Donald J. Trump. These people are such died in the wool Trump fans that if he instructed his followers to go jump off a cliff, they’d be fighting each other over who would be first in line. Damn I’ve been to concerts where the headliner didn’t have that kind of fanfare. Remember those? Yeah. Well for our friend the Q Anon Shaman, aka Jacob Chansley, is certainly showing signs of regret.





Oh sure it's all fun and games until your man crush commences a violent insurrection that gets 5 people killed and cops beaten to death with their own flag. But hey, you do you! I mean come on, don’t squeeze the Shaman! Hey that’s a double reference too! I mean seriously? Peaceful? Who is he kidding? You don't bring pipe bombs, zip lines, AR-15s, and hand axes to a rally unless you're looking to start some shit. But here’s the kind of scrutiny this guy is facing – well none because he’s apparently getting special treatment in prison. Yeah fuck this bullshit.





Yeah maybe healthy eating is at least a good thing? So what kind of charges is our good friend, Mr. Shaman facing? Well besides inciting a riot, there’s new evidence that our good friend was spotted at the Capitol screaming about how Trump is still the president. I mean my god how stupid and insane can these people get? This is what happens when you court gullible people into becoming even more gullible is that they believe this shit!





Wait – he really thought Trump was going to pardon him for this? He must be smoking some bad covfefe there! Did Mr. Shaman hire Lin Wood as his attorney? It seems like these guys are all connected somehow, that’s what happens when you join a cult. But at least he’s showing regret for these actions, that’s a start, I guess? The thing is it’s going to take out years and maybe even decades to sort out what went down on January 6th, but if enough people turn, we might get some results before then!






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[font size="8"]India Farmer’s Revolt

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Our continuing policy here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is that we recognize that conservative idiocy isn’t just limited to being a state, local, or even uniquely American problem anymore. It’s a global problem with conservative idiocy now reaching most of the world. With that said we’re going to take a look at the world’s largest subcontinent with the world’s largest population, India. Since the election of Narajendra Modi in 2019, the people of India are growing increasingly concerned that he’s ruling with an autocratic iron fist, similar to what we experienced here with Donald Trump. So here’s why the farmers are revolting. It’s another example of “Do as I say, not do as I do”. Because Modi is saying one thing but the truth… is far more horrifying.





Yeah so that’s just the Art Of The Deal. See we give Trump a lot of shit but really he’s just another piece of the fascist global puzzle that’s being put together. See? People don’t want a fair and free democratic ruler who cares about people! They want the opposite of that, they want what Loki attempted to accomplish in the Avengers! Ah if only Loki knew what people were talking about on Facebook, he could easily exploit that!





Sorry, Loki, not doing that today! Where is Captain America when you need him? But sure it’s all fun and games until the riot police are called! So why don’t we hear from the man himself? Where does Modi stand on this whole situation? Well if you guessed that he’s blaming the farmers for their own revolt, you might be right! Hey the guy who robbed that bank was actually a bank employee! That might have worked in the Dark Knight but it doesn’t work in real life!





Yeah that’s a great idea! Why don’t we just ask Texas how well that’s going! What? Too soon! Oh don’t worry we will cover that next week. And you know what, India? Take it from us! We had to put up with 4 years of Trump. If we can handle him, you can handle Modi! But just like the Trump administration, the more this pans out, the weirder and stranger it gets. We’ll keep an eye on this situation for future editions. But let’s just say for now, shit is getting real!






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[font size="8"]Q Anon
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Q Anon. You know it’s that thing that makes you never want to speak to the conservatives you know ever again. They are getting nuttier and crazier. Let’s go over things that Q Anon loves. They love talking about a global ring of Satanic pedophiles who practice cannibalism. They also love to talk about Donald Trump taking down that global ring of Satanic pedophiles who practice cannibalism. And the people who are on that list are well, just about everyone who has a D next to their name. But you can imagine, just as with that Q Anon Shaman, since the election of Joe Biden, prominent members of the Q Anon cult are rethinking their life choices. But not Ali Alexander – he’s doubling down and going certifiably batshit fucking crazy. Maybe going for a VP slot in that 2024 Trump campaign that will probably never happen?





He wants to build his own city? I wouldn’t trust him to build a Sim City! Oh and if you think that Alexander and his “Stop The Steal” rallies are going away any time soon, I’ve got a used car loan at 27% interest to sell you! He really is equal parts used car salesman and televangelist preacher, isn’t he? And if that’s not enough, Q Anon is now floating a batshit crazy new theory that Biden’s inauguration didn’t happen on January 20th. Instead the real inauguration is happening on March 4th – when it used to happen 140 years ago! Can you imagine if we had to wait until March 4th under that administration? Yeah me either!






Yeah probably! Now you might be wondering just how crazy Q Anon gets! And don’t worry – we’ll get to Rep Adam Kinzinger in a minute. But first let’s talk about how ordinary lives are being turned upside down by how far people go down the Q Anon rabbit hole and got duped. And I’m not even going to point out the irony of their love of references for the 1999 movie “The Matrix”. We could do a whole entry on that, maybe a future Conspiracy Corner!





Now that’s how ordinary people get duped into following a fairy tale. They get enticed, then they follow blindly. And it’s easy to see how people who ordinarily don’t care about politics get roped into believing truly warped bullshit created by crackpots. If you want to see it in its’ full blown spectacle, look no further than Illinois Rep. Adam Kinzinger – one of the few GOP reps who voted to convict Trump. This letter is completely insane and really shows how depraved Trump supporters really are.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Toxic Baby Food
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Last week, we brought you the story of Subway’s tuna might not actually be what it seems to be underneath. This week, there’s another type of mislabeled food out there. Is the food your infant is consuming toxic? An alarming joint investigation between Congress and the US Food And Drug Administration is sounding the alarm that there could be poison in your infants’ food. And it’s not just limited to one brand either. That it might be a supply chain problem. Because any brand that uses this particular supply chain might be toxic. Before you buy that food for your baby you might want to read the warnings beforehand.





But it isn’t just that they sold toxic baby food. It’s that the manufacturers knew that their products allegedly contained poison and they sold it anyways! That would be like if someone knew their products were going to catch on fire but they were approved for sale. Hey! Why did the Firematic 9000 burn my house down? It only said so on the label! But what will be done? That is the question.





There’s nothing funny about this young baby. So what can be done? Do you blame the companies that sold this or do you blame the supply chain? Well it’s a combination of both. So what do parents need to know about the toxins? And what can they do for their babies if they come across these foods? You can’t just say “don’t purchase them” because if you don’t do the research beforehand, how would you know which is which?





Now what’s the FDA response you might ask? Well the targeting against these companies is continuing and it’s not going to be resolved overnight. But you can rest assured that they are dealing with it, because that is what they are supposed to do. Anyways until these products are recalled and replaced with the non-toxic varieties, this is what parents can expect when they purchase food for their infants.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates! Good day!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know it is so nice not to be run by the crazy, domineering, and EVIL cult of the former President Of The United States. The unholy, ungodly Dark One, a man so disgusting and dishonorable that his name dare not be mentioned in my church whether it’s real or virtual! Now, we are still in a time of a great plague. But we have rid ourselves of at least one virus! Now we just got to rid ourselves of the other! But the sad thing is we won’t be rid of either in the foreseeable future. But after watching my brothers and sisters on the right last week, does everything need to be a sign from GAWD that the Unholy Dark One is still going to be president? I mean seriously guys, lighten up! Not everything is a sign! No! Just no!





I’m pretty sure that even the good LAWRD JAYSUS is shaking his head at this one! Really, I’m a man of GAWD and I see signs that the LAWRD is everywhere! But I am also holy enough to see that the man who they worship is the DAYMON spawn of SAYTAN himself! That is why his name dare not be spoken in my church! But these people are certifiably insane!





President Dark One is president? I mean that’s sound logic there! Ooh man, I will sleep much easier at night knowing these raving maniacs are in charge! And no this isn’t anything that GAWD does! I’ve read the Bible, I should know, I am a pastor. But really this is what a cult does. And the fact that they are invoking their insane lust for the military and military order. But there’s nothing about that in the Bible is there? At least not my Bible!





Except with these kooks, believe in them and they want WAR! They are out for blood and fire and brimstone, because they are that crazy! But this might be the worst thing to come out of the last few weeks. You know those Proud Boys that keep getting arrested because they’ve done stupid things in the name of the Dark One? Well apparently their LAWRD is helping them! Seriously this is insane.





Sigh… you’re the ones who did this guys! You can’t blame anyone but yourselves. I mean holy shit! Hey that’s the name of this segment! Virtual mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Is It Racist
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Hey everyone it’s time to play the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



And we always say that if you have to ask, it’s probably racist! And there’s been a lot of racism in the news lately but this week I want to examine the cause and effect of two very similar stories. Behind door #1 is Gina Carano, the Mandalorian “star” who got axed from Lucasfilm for comparing GOP celebrities and politicians getting banned from social media to the holocaust. And what’s behind door #2 you might ask? Why it’s country star Morgan Wallen! Who got caught on tape using the N word! Now here’s where it gets fucked up. In the pre-Trump days if you pulled this said and did this kind of shit, you’d get fired from your job and blacklisted from whatever profession you happen to be in. And I’ll explain the kind of shit conservatives have pulled after we answer the question – my fake audience – “IS IT RACIST?”.





First, let me ask the question – IS IT RACIST??? Well yeah it’s fucking racist. Second – oh fuck off, Gina, seriously! Here’s the thing, in the conservative Trump fantasy crazy world, you’re not fired for being a racist douchebag who makes stupid Hitler comparisons. Instead, you’re “cancelled by the out of control media”. And rather than these dipshits get the punishment they deserve they get rewarded. Never mind that Hasbro cancelled Gina’s Mandalorian action figure too. Instead this happens!





Seriously? I mean who the fuck actually wants to watch a movie made by the Daily Wire? No thanks, I will just sit here and keep waiting for No Time To Die to be released. Next up – country music! As a rock music fan, I will admit that the Stagecoach and Coachella crowd don’t mix, even though they’re both owned by the same conglomerate. But even the country world has to admit that even the N word is off limits in this day and age – or any day and age. So what happens when you get caught using it?





So my virtual audience – IS IT RACIST??? Oh extremely! And here’s the thing – if you don’t want to get “cancelled”, how about don’t be a fucking racist? If you were more outraged about someone being canceled then about why they were canceled, then guess what? You’re part of the problem! Oh and also, fuck off with this self-victimization bullshit. I’ve been drunk a lot of times in my life but never not once used the kind of language Wallen did!






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Dave Ramsey
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Dave Ramsey. If you’ve never heard the name, that’s probably because you’re not a frequent Fox News viewer. And if you’re here, I would assume that you’re not a regular Fox News viewer! Which means that you’re not a part of the Fox / Q / Trump / evangelical mega cult. Last time I talked about Dave Ramsey, his business was under fire for holding a massive Christmas party in the middle of COVID (see: Top 10 #9-19 ). This week, he’s under fire for saying ridiculously cold-hearted shit about Joe Biden’s planned COVID relief. But here is the thing – of course people like this are going to say stupid shit! But Dave is among the worst of the worst! I can already here you booing.





Yes BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! OK let’s give you a little background on Mr. Ramsey – he runs a company called Ramsey Solutions. And it employs 800 people who claim it’s the best company to work for in America. Oh yeah, they also have a cult like atmosphere with their own radio empire, a fake university, and workshops that charge anywhere from $3K to $10K, and his own plan ironically to get people out of debt!





That’s right! Bet you didn’t think I was going to compare him to this guy, didn’t you? And you think you’re so smart! Let’s refer to Mr. Ramsey as “Trump Light”, or “Mini Trump”. Well you got to be smarter than the people who fork over $10K for a “leadership” seminar! See this is why credit lenders exist! But we should never speak ill of the program or our undying love and support of Mr. Ramsey! And remember having Dave’s undying loyalty? Here’s what happens when you have an independent thought!





Oh and by the way you want to know what Ramsey is really like behind the scenes? Picture Kevin Spacey’s cringe-worthy performance as Comnidyne president Dave Harken in “Horrible Bosses” – just like Trump, Ramsey does not like people to question their undying loyalty to him. And if you question or double cross him, they will reject you faster than you get outcasted from Scientology. What? Too soon?





That’s Dave Ramsey – a guy who’s equal parts Donald Trump, Zapp Brannagin, and Keith Raniere, this week’s:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: Gorilla Glue Girl
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the purpose of this segment is that we have some drinks and while we are drinking we talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics or COVID because there’s some really dark shit out there right now. Man I miss having a real bartender and a real audience for this one! So tell me virtual bartender, what’s a good drink that goes with a story about Gorilla Glue? A banana daquiri? I think you’re taking this gorilla thing a bit too literally here, don’t you think? So I’m sure those of you who listen to podcasts right now know the bizarre plight of Gorilla Glue Girl – also known as Tessica Brown – and the journey to get here. it’s one of the more bizarre stories of this year and we’re only two months in!





Oh come on really? This woman has a manager now??? We here at the Top 10 are represented by PJ Foodstuff’s Fantastic Talent Agency and Great American Steakery! Which is why we have that coveted Wednesday at 2:00 PM slot! But here’s the thing – like all horrible things, you know that art begats art, and the Gorilla Glue Girl has certainly inspired her fair share of imitators. Like this guy who stuck a cup to his face to prove this wasn’t real. Come on people, we’re in the middle of a raging pandemic, don’t invent ways to send yourself to the hospital, please!





Ah don’t hog all the vodka! Save some for me! But here’s the thing – we’ve covered every viral “internet” challenge going all the way back to Tide Pods. Remember when that was the worst way to spend a night in the ER? I miss those times! And like all internet “challenges” – they have their strengths and weaknesses. And they also have their share of experts who weigh in on the medical and legal ramifications should you attempt such a challenge. This is my favorite part!





Man I miss drinking in front of a live audience! But seriously I would love to be in a room full of lawyers who are all arguing about the legal ramifications of using toxic glue as hair spray. I bet they have some pretty interesting conversations and Google searches! But instead let’s as an actual hair stylist what they think of this insane situation. Moral of the story: don’t use a toxic spray glue as a substitute for hair spray. Just don’t!






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *CUE REVERB* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE! Ooh that was some good reverb there! So last week we talked about Biden’s embrace of Black History Month – and not just in a ceremonial tweet. This week we’re going to educate the Trump fans about what a real president does. See – Biden actually gets up before noon and doesn’t spend 8 hours in bed hate watching 15 different channels on 6 monitors while gorging himself stupid on fast food. No, that was the last guy who did that. But you see kids? This is how a real president is supposed to act!





Yes, see? This is what a real president does! Signing executive orders does not require a celebration and a thousand people with cameras photographing you holding up the order as if you were holding up the Lombardi Trophy like you won the Super Bowl! Tom Brady does that, an d nearly throws it in the ocean while wasted, Biden does not. And here’s an example of an executive order that actually does something good!





Yes, daaaaaaaaaaaamn indeed! So why is Biden doing this? Well let’s think of the last guy who we had in charge and how his policies got us into the current mess we’re in. Think of it like Homer and the drinking bird from the Simpsons. You can only push the “Y” button on your keyboard so many times before a catastrophic disaster happens and you have to go back and find out where it went wrong. Don’t worry, we will get to that next week!




Yeah so unlike Trump, we’re not going to leave a toy bird in charge to do all the work for him while he goes and watches TV and stuffs his face. Oh my god… I just realized something! Trump is the Homer Simpson of presidents! And it only took me 200+ editions and 5 years of doing this thing! At least we have someone who actually reads these things before signing them, and I never since I started doing this thought I would say it, but I think things are going to be OK!







See you next week!

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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 10, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-3: This One's For All The Haters In The Room Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-3: This One’s For All The Haters In The Room Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Yeah I know, it’s supposed to get better. We’re still coming at you live from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club and we will be doing that for the foreseeable future at least. Man, I cannot wait to get back on the road! So how about that Super Bowl? I mean… Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Huh there was a game happening? Oh I’m sorry, a game is when two teams are playing. Oh well, at least the winning team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ,won’t have to suffer the embarrassment of going to the White House and having to eat a fast food buffet with the former social media influencer turned president, Donald J. Trump. This time when they are actually able to go to the White House, they will have a real president who will actually present them with some real food and maybe even some beer! Because hey, we all deserve a party when COVID is finally over, am I right about that? Seriously even the commercials sucked this year and was a reminder of the shitty situation that we’re currently stuck in! Yeah I still watched it to spite my racist neighbors who were boycotting it because of the NFL’s support of Black Lives Matter. Yeah congrats to Tom Brady and the Bucs, I guess. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first Bill Maher is back and he spells out what went down at the Capitol Riots and how half of America is completely delusional:



So where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot this week, we have to talk about what’s happening in Myanmar (1). Yes, the country formerly known as Burma has been undergoing some changes, but recently fell under the spell of a coup. And why are we talking about this now? Because the parallels between the Myanmar military and Q Anon are frighteningly similar. Taking the second slot this week, is Kenosha murderer and Alt Right celebrity Kyle Rittenhouse (2). Yet another douchebag from the Trump era that won’t go away, Kyle is facing murder charges and seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. Yeah it’s quite insane. In the number four slot this week is Robinhood (3), and you haven’t heard the last of the stock trading app, especially since now it literally seems to be at war with its’ own customers. In the number 4 slot this week is Mike Lindell! That’s right – the My Pillow CEO is losing his business left and right, and has hit rock bottom. But he’s got a 3 hour documentary that will once and for all solve the voter fraud problem! Or maybe not. Taking the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week, we’re going to take a look at fast food – particularly that of a certain large sandwich chain. Yes – Subway, but is their tuna really tuna? Only one way to find out! Taking the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week – who’s side is God on when it comes to proving the conservative claim of voter fraud? Well our resident pastor will examine both sides of the argument because it’s insane. And in the #7 slot this week – we have a new “Beating A Dead Horse”. While conservatives and conspiracy theorists love to argue about “cancel culture”, we’ll explain it to them using the latest “victim” of this – Marilyn Manson! And speaking of conspiracy theorists, in the #8 slot this week, is a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8) - and this week, the Proud Boys are adding military firepower to their ranks and for what reason? They’re going crazy and we need to get to the bottom of this before it’s too late! And in the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week, we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week, in Road To The White House, we’re going to talk about Joe’s plans to celebrate Black History Month, and his plans to use the Super Bowl to increase vaccine awareness! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Myanmar Coup Explained
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We here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots in Burbank recognize that conservative idiocy isn’t just limited to being a national or even a local problem anymore. No, it’s a global problem and the line between our right wing idiots and right wing idiots all over the world is getting increasingly blurred each and every day. As such, we like to feature the international idiots from time to time. And they’re the same no matter where you go. If you’re in say, Spain, and you see someone who’s a belligerent, raging douchebag, you can almost tell which side of the fence they fall on. Same goes for Italy, or France, or Australia, or Brazil. Let’s take what is happening in Myanmar right now as an example. I could literally spend the entire edition comparing the Myanmar military to Q Anon because their beliefs are the same. But I don’t have that kind of time! So let’s get the rundown on what’s going on. Make no mistake that social media played a huge role in this one!





OK so you know how Q Anon loves to drone on about military tribunals, martial law, public executions and jailing their political opponents? Well we can literally get a preview of what their wildest fantasies would look like being carried out right now in Myanmar! I mean seriously, this one’s for all the haters in the room. No wait, this is Valentine’s Day let’s do that in a sexy voice. No take it down, like Barry White style. This one’s for all the haters in the room! We did it everybody! We made a military coup sound sexy. But it’s anything but sexy. In fact it’s more Platoon and less Love Actually.





Yeah so here’s the thing, Q Anon nuts – the next time you go spouting conspiracy theories about martial law, just think – it will affect you guys as much as it affects us! If a scenario were to arise where the military could cut off the entire internet, it would cut you off too. This really is what Q Anon could look like if their plan to storm the Capitol actually went through! And here’s the bizarre part – the protests were organized through Facebook. And guess what the new government’s first order of business was? That’s right!





Yeah that’s what it could be like. Look, I know that our long-standing policy here at the Top 10 is not to make fun of anything that’s truly horrifying. But the reason why we’re talking about this is because this is everything that Q Anon fans salivate about - think of the worst thing to happen in a Stephen King horror novel and then watch it come to life. The parallels are frightening. We stopped them here, but if what happened in Myanmar actually happened here, it would be catastrophic. Yes I’m paranoid about this but knowing Q nuts in real life, you can see how batshit their fantasies go, and how any scenario can play out like this. We’ll keep an eye on this situation. But for now let’s say it can’t happen here, and thank god for that.






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[font size="8"]Kyle Rittenhouse
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I’ve seriously tried to put a moratorium on talking about this douchebag. I don’t want any part of making him famous because he’s basically George Zimmerman, version 2.0. Yes, you remember that fuck face who became an Alt Right celebrity after murdering an unarmed teenager in a dark alleyway. Well, the next evolution of George Zimmerman is Kyle Rittenhouse. You remember him as the teenager who borrowed an AR-15 and drove across state lines to murder two protestors who were protesting the murder of George Floyd in Wisconsin. And this would be a perfect use of the “How it started / how’s it going” meme. Because it started off well. About as well as it could have for a wannabe teenage mass murderer. And then things went horribly, horribly south as you could predict.





Yeah and Kyle Rittenhouse is sort of a racist and a murderer. Now here’s the fun part because you can pretty much see where this is going. And it’s not going what one would call “particularly well”. And by the way, did you know that the Proud Boys have a theme song? Yes they do, and I curse them for making me look this up, but it was a rejected song from Disney’s Aladdin called “Proud Of Our Boy”, and Gavin McInnes adopted that as the official group song. So yeah that and also white power.





Yeah but that doesn’t really apply here. But let’s check in now with how is it going? Well, he’s gone AWOL after being serenaded at a bar with singing racists who flash white power signs. Yeah this dude is 18 and in the last year, during a raging pandemic, he’s had more adventures than I have. But seriously, this is kind of turning into a really, really fucked up version of Smokey & The Bandit.





Shit, if I were Kyle Rittenhouse’s attorney I’d be drunk too. Oh no wait, I would actually pray to be fired because there’s nothing you can do to defend this douchebag. I mean this case is so toxic that it’s almost impossible to begin to find any moral ground. And it’s a perfect example of what happens when you make terrible people famous. That’s exactly what the Trump administration has done – they make terrible people famous. Trump attracts sick and depraved minds, and Kyle Rittenhouse is no exception, no wonder he’s loved by racists everywhere.






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[font size="8"]Robinhood
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I will admit that I know next to nothing about how the stock market works. But I will say that the clusterfuck that has arisen between Robinhood, Reddit day traders, and billionaire hedge fund managers has been one of the most entertaining thing to come out of late 2020 – early 2021. Because we’re still in a raging pandemic and we don’t know when actual entertainment will return. I hope soon! Last week we brought you the fact that they’re screwing over their customers, and Google and Apple both seem to be looking the other way. So why does Robinhood seem to hate their own customers? Well while we’re talking about the Super Bowl, let’s say for the record that Robinhood had one of the worst ads in Super Bowl history. Like yeah let’s just say “READ THE ROOM, GUYS!!!!”.





Yeah so you’re already unpopular because you’re telling people not to buy stock in things that you could buy stock from, so you buy ad time to explain that you’re all investors. Yeah read the room guys! Even worse – you know how you try to cancel that subscription service and then you go through customer service hell before you can actually speak to a person to cancel your account? Turns out that Robinhood is guilty of that too!





I’m pretty sure the only thing that would make Robinhood worse would be if you call customer service and Michael Scott were on the other line. Just what we need – some bad pop culture references and a that’s what she said joke. Am I right? Oh wait that’s what we do. So why are we talking about Robinhood when this is really just more ways of bashing politicians? Well see that’s where the two worlds intersect – Wall Street and DC, and they have a lot more in common than you might think!





Everything burns! Even the stock market can burn and they are getting burned quite badly with this whole Robinhood debacle. But you know the phrase “risk management” comes to mind and everything Robinhood is doing is what one might consider “risky”. Especially when you’ve planned an IPO and your customers are being pissed off that badly, it could end as badly for them as you might expect!





Well this might be one of the best things about this story. You know how when an angry mob starts destroying the wrong thing when they don’t know what they’re even angry at anymore? Well guess what happened? The angry mob that was bent on destroying Robinhood, the investing app, wound up taking aim at the wrong Robin Hood! I think they need to refine their Google searches a bit better!






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[font size="8"]Mike Lindell
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At the end of this week, My Pillow should probably change its’ name to My Bankruptcy. Yes, the sleep manufacturing conglomerate founded by former drug addict turned born again Christian turned batshit hardcore Trump conspiracy theorist Mike Lindell is in some really deep shit. We already reported on how his part in the Capitol Riot caused major department stores to drop his business. So what do you do when that happens? Do you cry into your own product? No! In Mike Lindell’s case he’s so determined to prove that voter fraud existed in the 2020 election that he simply made a 3 hour documentary incorporating every conspiracy theory that’s ever been on Youtube or social media. And it got picked up and aired by OAN. That’s how it started, anyways!





That's right! You saw the documentary before it got pulled from Youtube, now buy the pillows! Use promo code "ABSOLUTELYWORTHLESS" and "OWNTHELIBS" to get 20% off at checkout! Thank you fake audience! I am here all week! But wait there’s more! This might be my favorite part of this and I’ll let the story run before I point out the irony. But this is too damn good not to mention this week.





Ooh can we have the Offspring sing it? I think it would be even funnier if they did it, and I know Noodles, he hates Trump! But let’s think about the underlying irony here – OAN is the most pro-Trump TV network around, airing a 3 hour documentary from the most pro-Trump guy not named Donald Trump, with a lengthy disclaimer saying that the views in the documentary are not the views of OAN! See? Even they occasionally have to play by the rules! But this might be my favorite story – My Pillow now has some real competition! Coming from Parkland survivor David Hogg! Yes!





You’re supposed to buy the pillows, not destroy them! Well you can destroy My Pillows anyways! But that said, Mike Lindell is soon going to be up shit creek without a paddle. But in case you’re wondering if Mr. Hogg is serious or not, he’s dead serious on taking down My Pillow with a more consumer, environmental, and politically friendly pillow company. I definitely look forward to buying one!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Subway Tuna Suit
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Every 5 or 6 years, there is a major lawsuit against a major fast food company alleging that the “meat” that they sell isn’t exactly real meat. 10 years ago, that lawsuit took on Taco Bell, alleging that the ground beef that they sold wasn’t exactly beef. This time around, the target is the world’s largest sandwich chain, Subway. Subway previously got hit with a lawsuit alleging that their bread contained an ingredient that’s also found in gym mats. But the target of the new lawsuit alleges that Subway’s tuna isn’t real tuna. Which could explain why it’s one of the highest calorie sandwiches you can get on the menu. So what do you get when you actually order a tuna sandwich at Subway? Well, the lawsuit alleges that you could get something that isn’t what you paid for.





So how is Subway handling the suit? Well about as well as you might expect. Of course they’re going to come out and say that their tuna salad is actually real tuna. But if you dig deeper their tuna might actually contain chicken. Which would wreak havoc on certain diets. And that’s exactly what the lawsuit is alleging. But let’s take a minute to see what is actually being sued for here.





At least Krusty Burger would probably use actual fish in their fish sandwiches. So Subway’s tuna isn’t really tuna at all. It’s more of a mixture of chicken and flaked tuna, then doused with mayonnaise. Which probably makes the Krusty fish sandwich a healthier alternative. What’s in the actual lawsuit you might ask? Well using real tuna costs money. And Subway is out to move as many sandwiches as possible, so they might cut corners on their products. Which isn’t really that shocking.





Yes, Subway has been featured in many different advertisements. But if you don’t believe Subway you are welcome to try it yourself. In fact the store has an interesting take on the subject. It’s almost like when someone denounces an advertiser, then finds out that the advertiser is sponsoring your own program! Whoa, that’s a whole new level of meta!





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know this has been a truly unprecedented time that we are currently living in when there’s still a great plague going on. But people are still fighting about the 2020 election! Never mind that it’s already been decided and the guy who is really the 46th president of the United States has already been inaugurated and is already making policies that will affect the United States and probably the entire world. But that doesn’t matter! The 45th president of the United States – that’s right, the unholy, ungodly Dark One thinks he still has a shot! Yes, even though he is no longer the president of the United States, his name shall not be said in my church, whether it is real or virtual! To hell with him! To HELL I say!!! So what does JAYSUS think of the issue? And where does GAWD stand?





But there is you see, for this is a house of GAWD! And GAWD failed on January 6th, because we’re learning that the Dark One commanded his minions to wreak havoc, and they did wreak some havoc all right, even if that meant for them all to get arrested! I mean is this Making America Great Again? I’m sure that even the LAWRD does not want him in power! But there’s signs everywhere, even where you might least suspect them!





Oh but all things are about the LAWRD our GAWD! They are not about the unholy, ungodly Dark One, because that man is such a disgusting pig of a human that we can’t even begin to list how desperate and depraved that man is. But really this is the Da Vinci Code but for idiots. But do we really need the church *MORE* involved in politics? And I ask this as a preacher! But I say this because they’ve already done enough damage!





No there is no salvaging for that man. It’s time to cast him aside and support a real man – Joe Biden – who is righteous and godly, and will lead us into a new era of prosperity after what we’ve been through in the last year! But you just can’t go and declare yourself the government. That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works! But keep telling yourself that, guys!





Well that is a good question Homer! We can’t tell you the answer though! But I will say, if the churches on the right want to die on the hill that supports the unholy Dark One, so be it! More for us! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Marilyn Manson
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Is anyone really that surprised that a guy who took his stage name from one of the world’s most notorious serial killers for shock value would turn out to be a narcissistic, psychopathic, abusive, raging douchebag? No? Yeah us neither. While the entire world is lecturing each other about the concept of “cancel culture”, we can see it in action! Now before I go any further, I must state the official Top 10 policy that we do not make fun of abuse or anything that would be considered horrifying. But we can take shots at someone as horrible as Marilyn Manson, am I right? Here’s the other burning question that I have – why would anyone date someone who is easily searched on a Google database like this when you can easily find this out about someone? But that’s neither here nor there.





Yeah maybe a little bit! Oh no wait, a whole lot! So let me explain where the concept of “cancel culture” comes in. Brian Warner, the musician who is known as Marilyn Manson, is an abusive douchebag. We’re not going to list all the creepy things he’s done, like upskirt photos, or pulling guns on people. We don’t have that kind of time! When you’re an abusive douchebag and you get found out as an abusive douchebag, bad things should happen to you! But despite all the creepy things he’s done, it’s actually having the reverse effect!





That is a good question, sir! Here’s the thing guys, if you don’t want to be canceled, maybe I don’t know, don’t do things that could get you canceled? Like being a creepy douchebag for instance? That could get you canceled, and it’s what got Roy Moore canceled. Now let’s hear from Warner / Manson himself, and you know the statement is going to be really shitty. You know, when you’re in a hole, the best thing to do is to stop digging!





Now it doesn’t quite work that way. I know what you music heads are thinking – what does Trent Reznor think about all of this? You know that Marilyn Manson started out on his Nothing Records label. I’m sure right now he’s making faces at record labels going “I told you so” followed by a very childish “neener neener”. Oh wait, Trent doesn’t do that sort of thing. But here’s how that is going!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Proud Boys Go Guerilla
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Welcome back to the segment where we attempt to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! See when man has things that he can’t explain, the mind obviously goes to conspiracies. We are coming to you live from our underground bunker deep in the badlands of New Mexico. Undisclosed location, of course! Just allow me to adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference… they can read minds, don’t you know? Well this week, it seems that conspiracy theorists have become self-aware, and one such group is the Proud Boys. Now the fight club of the alt right is adding some much needed military firepower, and this is where things could get really crazy.





You know why do these guys wear fucking polo shirts? That doesn’t say “I am the leader of a rogue guerilla wannabe military unit”, that says “Come take a look at this used Kia Optima, only $329 per month!”. But there is good news – the Proud Boys are finally getting the terrorist designation that they very much deserve! So Canada is calling the Proud Boys terrorists, will the Biden administration? Let’s hope they are!





And what’s their excuse for morphing from a protest group designed to beat up protestors in the way that the Harlem Globetrotters beat up the Washington Generals, to a full blown terrorist organization that is going to overthrow the government? Well it can be boiled down to four simple words “Because Trump said so”. That’s right – 4th grade ideology, 4th grade ideas. And their minds haven’t progressed beyond the 4th grade, either.





Tin foil hats and bras – interesting choice of uniforms! But the thing is that Trump may be gone, but his adoring fans aren’t; but they aren’t the only ones who are getting rowdier and adding some military firepower to their ranks. But the fact that the Proud Boys are recruiting former military members shows that there is extremism in the military and that it should be rooted out. Now that’s a conspiracy!





So if there’s one cross section that the Proud Boys and the military have, it’s they actually have members of both groups. And there’s probably both ex-military and the Proud Boys involved in the Capitol Riots. We may never know the full extent of the damage that was done. Or who was there, or who gets caught. But one thing’s for certain – you don’t bring zip lines, pipe bombs, and AR-15s to a supposedly peaceful protest.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And one thing I’ve learned about this year is that people are stupider than ever. Especially since we’re still in the middle of a raging pandemic! But even that hasn’t stopped stupid people from being stupid. I want to start with this story out of Oklahoma. The article doesn’t specify the town but does state some positively shocking information about the criminal in question. And really we’re on the side of the woman who tore down the flag, because, fuck Nazis. But I want to talk about this story because, yeah, fuck Nazis. And would you guess this guy has a profile on Gab? I’m not at all shocked. This story has everything!





Yeah where are Jake and Elwood when you need them? Next up – if you’ve seen any of the Marvel movies, particularly Guardians Of The Galaxy 2, in the beginning of that movie, the plot is put in motion when Rocket Raccoon steals a bunch of rare batteries. Well, guess what? In real life that happened, and what makes this dumb is these batteries have a location tracker in them, so Verizon was easily able to identify that they were stolen! D’oh!!!





Yeah maybe Rocket isn’t the best being to go to for advice. Next up – we go to the Oregon city of Beaverton for this stupid criminal story. So here’s the thing – if you are going to steal a car, you might want to, I don’t know, check for things like toddlers or small persons in them. But also, you might not want to be around at the crime scene if you get caught because that could turn ugly quickly.





Ah, great movie! Next up – we got to go to our favorite state of Florida. Yes, America’s most penis-shaped state never fails to amaze with all of the crazy people they have. And here’s the thing – you don’t want to send drugs through the mail. That’s why you have vigilante groups for that sort of thing, because if you send meth through the mail, you will get caught. And that’s exactly what happened.





Oh man do I love that show. Finally this week – speaking of America’s most penis-shaped state, Florida, we go to the town of Port Richie for this one, and if you have a rather easily identifiable tattoo, you might want to refrain from doing stupid things. I guess you could say this guy really is Florida Man because he has a Florida tattoo on his forehead! Now cue up “911 is a joke”!





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome back to our coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! You know, Biden is making it harder to get material for these things and I guess that’s a good thing. We’ve only got two more of these and then we’re done but before that I want to show you what a real president does. Last week we talked about what a real president does, and it doesn’t involve golfing or rage tweeting while sitting on the toilet for two hours. It also doesn’t involve eating cheeseburgers in bed and throwing the wrappers on the floor while yelling at 8 different monitors broadcasting 10 different channels. But no, Biden does presidential things, like honoring Black History Month for instance, which this is what is happening right now!





Well interesting point Tracy, but we’ll save that for another topic! Anyway, unlike the last guy (who shall remain nameless), this administration does everything right and has been doing it so far! And the other nice thing about Biden is that unlike the last guy, he doesn’t need to make a huge spectacle in front of a million people with cameras and microphones to do it! What else does he do in this case?





Well what’s happening is more of that “radical left agenda” that the right wing media has been harping on about for decades. It will be nice to have compassion back in Washington and a return to a sense of normalcy now that we’re past that other guy. See this? This is what a president is supposed to do! While we’re on the subject of Black History Month it’s important to know that Biden will not be like the other guy, who only recognized it in tweet form. Biden is much more than that!





Oh just more of that “radical left agenda” again! Seriously do we need any more of this? I mean with the previous guy people were literally fighting each other in the streets. I don’t think you will have that with Biden in power! But unlike the last guy, Biden doesn’t just talk the talk. He is a guy who actually practices what he preaches! Oh the horror!












See you next week!

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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

February 3, 2021

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-2: Sharks With Jewish Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-2: Sharks With Jewish Laser Beams Attached To Their Heads Edition

Ed. Note: Due to a scheduling conflict IRL, the Top 10 will be early this week. Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? We’re still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club. Yeah we’re all in the same boat right now watching and waiting to see what happens with COVID. Seriously, I’ve literally reached the end of Netflix. I’ve watched all the TV I can watch! I can’t watch anymore! I literally feel like that scene from the Simpsons when Apu worked a 52 hour shift and by the end he was buzzing around his store like a hummingbird. OK do we have time for the thing? OK look I know we’re still on lockdown and everyone is getting to the point where we’re losing our minds, but that said, in the immortal words of Will Ferrell from Old School, WE GOT TO KEEP OUR COMPOSURE!!!!! I’m of course referring to the colossal fuck up from Brian Williams on MSNBC when he played footage of Jerry McGuire instead of footage from the meeting that was supposed be between Trump and Kevin McCarthy. Yeah my producer reminds me of the idiot who played footage of Dumb & Dumber instead of a man on the street interview. It’s literally the same shit, different day, circa 2021. But come on, in this day and age in 2021 have we not learned how copy and paste works? If we hit CTRL-V do our fingers not bleed? Yeah I will admit I am close to losing my mind! OK enough of the intro! We have a lot of idiocy to get to! But first Bill Maher is back and he is introducing the incoming Congress of 2021 and how crazy some of our freshmen reps can get!



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week is of course the 2nd impeachment trial of former president Donald J. Trump (1) and right now the case would make for a perfect one of those how it started / how’s it going memes! Taking the second slot this week is our new favorite Congressional idiot, Marjorie Taylor Greene (2) and whew, this woman is a real piece of Alex Jones style brainwashing. And speaking of Infowars, in slot #3 this week is our old buddy Alex Jones and the lawsuits from Sandy Hook are still going on, but the Texas Supreme Court threw him a new curveball, and well, it looks like he might be ranting about fake news from prison! In the #4 slot this week we’re going to talk stock trading and tell you about the bizarre feud between trading firm Robinhood (4) and Reddit’s largest forum dedicated to stock trading and it’s quite the stuff of insanity! In the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week with the pandemic and everyone living online, a new form of self-awareness has risen, and we’re going to take a look at the strange new world of Zoom Dysmorphia and people getting unnecessary plastic surgery so they can look good in front of their web cams. Yeah that’s a thing. Taking the 6th slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church of the Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, are we in a cold holy war? Our resident pastor is taking a look at far right churches dividing and conquering over their support of our former leader and it’s quite the stuff of insanity! Taking the #7 slot this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse (7)! This may be our fourth one dedicated to the ongoing fight between conservatives and Colin Kaepernick, but with the Super Bowl approaching, how come we have double standards for Kapernick and Tom Brady? It’s quite insane. And in slot #8, we are very excited to debut our new feature Parlerfiles (8)! This is a new free-floating segment where we take apart and dissect some of the batshit crazy posts found on far right social media sites like Parler, Gab, Dlive, and Telegram! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have our first “I Need A Drink” of 2021 and we’re going to get drunk and tell you about Oklahoma’s insane new plan to attract tourists – by establishing a Bigfoot Hunting Season! Finally this week in our ongoing coverage of the transition of power in “Road To The White House” – what does a daily schedule for President Biden look like? Well it’s miles different than the one from the other guy! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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OK so remember in the Avengers movies when Thor said that Loki would face Asguardian justice for unleashing Thanos’ army on New York City? And then in Thor: The Dark World, he’s hauled in chains to face punishment from Odin? Yeah I’m sure the upcoming Trump impeachment trial is going to reflect this sentiment. But here’s the thing – we’re not impeaching over the 2016 election, that’s spilled milk at this point. We’re impeaching over the events that happened on January 6th, 2021! And what’s hilarious is that conservatives love to talk trash, and that’s really all they have. But when they stage a coup that nearly gets our Congressional leaders murdered in their own offices? Surprisingly they are dead silent on this issue. Guess they don’t want to get caught.





Hey you know we’ve already had one host of the Apprentice as president. We don’t need another one, though at least Arnold knows what to do with Nazis. But this might be my favorite part of the whole trial so far – Trump’s lawyers have all abandoned him! And that’s right – I said all!! Eventually it will be down to just Lin Wood, Lionel Hutz, and Barry Zuckerkorn. But I think that this case would be too toxic for even Lionel Hutz to consider, which makes it pretty damn toxic!





That's actual footage of Trump from next week when he fires all of his attorneys again and realizes he's got nothing! And I mean really how do you defend what happened at the Capitol? It’s absolute madness and it’s impossible to even begin to comprehend. So what blew up Trump’s legal team? Well I will give you a hint – money! That’s right – Trump’s biggest grift can’t pay his legal bills and this is going to get really juicy as the trial goes on!





Yeah so Trump is the Joker and he just lit a huge pile of money on fire. Already we haven’t even started the trial and it’s turning into a dumpster fire. So that raises two questions – the first is that Trump claims to have made a boatload (or pantload) off the White House, and he’s not accounting for a whole lot of that money. And no money means no defense which means that Trump could very well represent himself, and we know what a disaster that could be!






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[font size="8"]Marjorie Taylor Greene
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By now you’ve probably had an ass full of Georgia’s Marjorie Taylor Green (R – Batshit). Because she’s certifiably fucking crazy and basically channeling Trump. In fact she’s Trump version 2.0. In fact, she could be the Congress person who serves the shortest term – if she’s fired or expelled. And she 100% deserves it. If you want to know her makeup, she’s a product of Infowars and social media mental conditioning. She has claimed that Sandy Hook and Parkland didn’t happen, has claimed Vegas was a false flag, and even gone so far as to suggest that California’s wildfires were started by a space laser owned by George Soros. Does he own everything these idiots don’t like? But here’s the thing Marjorie – I live in an area prone to fires. We’ve had to evacuate on multiple occasions, I would like to see you have to flee your home!





Sometimes I wonder if I’m reading the LA Times or the Onion. I mean really even Saturday Night Live couldn’t make up something this batshit fucking crazy. I mean what, speaking of Dr. Evil, does Marjorie think that we have sharks with Jewish laser beams attached to their heads? But if you want to know how deep Majorie’s crazy goes, well, it goes pretty fucking deep!





Here’s the thing Marjorie – if you make a claim as crazy as this which you have to follow up with “I’m not racist, but… “ well, guess what? You’re a racist! Holy shit, literally anyone can see that! Even Mitch McConnell can see that! And if you’re too toxic for Moscow Mitch, well , that’s pretty damn toxic! But no way, Mitch, you’re not off the hook just yet! Marjorie’s madness is just a byproduct of how batshit insane your former boss is! And Marjorie’s Madness by the way would make an awesome band!





Yes, because that baby will grow up to spout batshit crazy things if you’re not careful! And yes if Marjorie steps out and sees her shadow, it’s six more months of batshit! Thank you my fair virtual audience! So Mitch isn’t getting off easy and neither is the GOP. Here’s the thing guys – you either own it or it becomes an entity that consumes you! But the thing is, most in the GOP secretly agree with her, and we’re looking in your direction, Devin and Ted!






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[font size="8"]Alex Jones

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You know this is like in those middle school movies where the kids finally fight back against the bully and he gets taken down several notches? Well the fight against Alex Jones’ Infowars is kind of like that. We saw the conspiracy theorists get their asses handed to them in the 2020 election because we’re tired of being run by fucking idiots. And one thing that’s nice about the Biden Administration is that he doesn’t care about these shitheads. Remember when Trump called into Infowars to tell Alex Jones that he will be very pleased? How cringe worthy that was? Well, this more than makes up for it! Well after the ruling by the Texas Supreme Court last week, it looks like Alex Jones can be sued into oblivion, and he’ll eventually be taking his conspiracy theories to padded walls.





Yeah conspiracy theorists, this is where you can shout all the crap you want about free speech, but even that has consequences! Here’s the thing – the Constitution gives you the right to be as crazy of an asshole as you want to be, but if you cross lines that you were not meant to cross, such as what Alex Jones did, then there will be punishments handed out!





Oh and here’s where it gets weird and you knew it was going to! Because that’s how things roll around here. So back in October, when Alex Jones was transitioning from being Trump’s lackey to just an idiot with a megaphone, he attempted to do what grade school kids might refer to as “backsies”. That’s right – after 8 years of lies and slander, he attempted to walk back his slander of the Sandy Hook families. I guess he doesn’t want his ass handed to him!





Yeah Alex, you just can’t take back what you did! That’s truly the stuff of insanity there. But if you want to see the true extent of the damage that Alex Jones did to that small community, look no further than this PBS report from last year. Because this is truly some batshit crazy stuff. Alex Jones isn’t just a menace – he’s a threat to national security. His role in the Capitol Riots proved it, and this should cement the idea.






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[font size="8"]Robinhood
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Last week you might have seen Gamestop and AMC trending and you had absolutely no clue what this was about. I will be the first to admit that I didn’t know either. But let’s put it this way. Some of America’s biggest retailers like Gamestop, AMC, Burger King, and (former) Blockbuster video all have one thing in common: they are run by some greedy-ass hedge fund managers, and the pandemic has accelerated the case for them all to get the same treatment that Borders and Toys R Us got. Which will mean lots of empty storefronts and lots of unemployed people. And the hedge fund managers get richer. But trying to explain what happened and to explain the science and math behind what has been going on the stock world is way too complex for us to comprehend. So we’ll let Elizabeth Warren explain just what the hell is going on.





So let’s try and explain this as best we can – this is known as what’s called “micro trading” and it’s trading small stocks for big gains. I don’t know much about stocks, so stop me if I am wrong. But what the stock managers are really doing is exploiting the same loopholes that hedge fund managers have been doing for decades. Now it seems like people are getting their own slice of the pie, but Robinhood wants it back!





Yeah so what happens when Robinhood finds out about actual Robin Hood going on, they turn into the Sheriff Of Nottingham. But the simple fact is that Reddit has managed to turn Wall Street and hedge fund managers on its’ ear. And when you screw with hedge fund managers, it may end about as well as Scarface. Because those guys are the kind who get high on their own supply!





That’s right – never, ever get high on your own supply! And in case you’re wondering if this is hurting Robinhood’s business, well, they are getting slammed. Not by Congress or the Fed, mind you. They are getting slammed where it really hurts – the Google reviews section! And you know they struck a nerve when even Google’s review editors don’t give a shit! They’re just like “yeah whatever, rate it as low as you want!”. Your move, Robinhood!







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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Zoom Dysmorphia
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



It’s been nearly 10 months now since the novel coronavirus outbreak sent the entire world out of the public view and living on their webcams. But with change also comes unwanted change. In fact since so many people have been spending so much time in front of a webcam, a new form of an old disorder has arisen. Dysmorphia can take many forms – whether one is unhappy with their gender, race, height, or weight, can cause a person to be unhappy with themselves. But now a new form of dysmorphia has arisen – Zoom Dysmorphia. That’s right – people are unhappy with the way they are looking in front of their webcams and are taking steps to improve their appearance on a computer monitor. And by “taking steps” – we mean “unnecessary plastic surgery”. That’s right – people are going so far as to modify their appearance by scheduling plastic surgery so that they can look good for their admiring virtual public. Even scarier than that? The market is booming right now.





Yes, if you spend all day everyday looking at yourself on a video screen, you’re going to notice things that you’ve never noticed before that you wouldn’t have been able to detect if you weren’t sitting in front of a monitor all day. But what happens if you notice these things? And in the middle of a raging pandemic would you really want to risk having to go to the hospital just because you’re uncomfortable with how your chin line looks? We find out.





That is an astonishingly high number of people who are willing to get procedures during this pandemic, and nobody looks good on a webcam no matter how hard you try. But you know who is winning the game during this pandemic? That’s right – surgery providers and botox manufacturers. Because those who are willing to go so far as to look good online are willing to pay big money for these procedures, and you had better have deep pockets if you’re willing to go this far.





And yes that would be a good idea. But the Botox and plastic surgery industry are booming, and while Zoom Dysmorphia may be a temporary solution for a temporary problem, people are also preparing for the possibility of real life meetings in the near future when the virus finally subsides. So how does one deal with Zoom Dysmorphia for the time being? We ask some actual therapists on how to deal with this very temporary problem.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Are we in a holy war? Because now that the DEVIL is finally gone from the White House and a new era of prosperity following a devastating tragedy is coming, there are some of us who still support the unholy, ungodly Dark One, a man so disgusting that his name not be mentioned in my church – whether it is real or virtual! Because those who march for the Dark One, are supporting the DEVIL , the almighty SAYTAN himself! In fact, some blows are being traded on both sides as we speak between congregations that support the light side and those that support the dark side! The churches are participating in the ultimate circular firing squad. In fact our fellow brother Gordon has offered to fire the first shot!





Seriously, Gordon, that was the last guy! And I can guarantee that GAWD would not want that horrible, vile DAYMON to be reelected, because that’s just not who we are as a people! And I thank GAWD that I can finally say the president’s name again – and his name is Joesph R. Biden! But these guys are angry, and I mean really angry. Just look at what Brother Josh said before the supporters of the unholy Dark One stormed the Capitol!





I’m pretty sure that is not what is really happening, Josh! But then another one of our usual suspects, Brother Lance, had this to say! You know is GAWD finished with the Dark One? Let’s think about this here for a minute – because the Dark One spent nearly $140 million on golf trips during the course of his administration. What did President Biden do last Sunday? He went to church! I can’t imagine the Dark One would set foot in a church, less see the buildings disintegrate into a pit of fiery hell!





Yes he does ! In fact some on the right are even going so far as to call this a “crusade”. It’s insane how deep their support for the cult that surrounds the Dark One goes! Even though he is no longer in power, I will continue my policy of never mentioning his name in my church! For the good LAWRD JAYSUS would proclaim that he does not support the Ungodly one! But these people are completely crazy and if they’re willing to die for the cause, well, that’s their funeral!



OK brother Brian! If that’s the hill that you want to die on, it’s your loss! We’re not persecuting Christians, we just elected a real one to the presidency! So yeah have that! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Kaepernick V Brady
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We might be officially beating our own dead horse here. Because if you remember this started with conservatives berating Colin Kaepernick over that whole kneeling during the anthem thing (see: Idiots #3-16 ), and now with Super Bowl LV less than a week away, featuring yet *ANOTHER* appearance by Tom Brady, is it OK to separate the politics from the player? After all, don’t hate the player, hate the game! And the game can be quite hateable if the same team keeps winning it year after year! Well let’s think about this here – Tom Brady is a super wealthy, charismatic Super Bowl champion who’s been to the White House 5 times, has previously supported our former president Trump, and is married to a super model. Colin Kaepernick’s qualifications? He’s a black guy who pissed off the people who previously supported our 45th president.





Yeah so Tom Brady has been to the Super Bowl a whopping 10 times and Colin Kaepernick still doesn’t have a job. But the difference? Tom Brady has supported right-leaning politics and football’s biggest fans generally tend to lean more conservative, but that comes with changing demographics. But you can’t deny that president #45 still has an impact on pro sports, no matter what your preference is – if you prefer NASCAR, baseball, basketball, football, hockey, I could go on and on.





Man that just keeps coming! But seriously you know that you’re too toxic when you’re considered toxic for a guy who’s been accused of cheating multiple times! But again this asks the question – why does Tom Brady get a free pass for his toxic politics, but Colin Kaepernick gets ostracized from the league for a simple kneel during the national anthem? Well let’s ask former Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston!



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[font size="8"]Parlerfiles
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Welcome everyone to our brand new segment, Parlerfiles! So why did we decide to do this segment, you might ask? Well I answer you – there’s a lot of batshit crazy out there. It’s no secret that ever since Twitter finally fired @realDonaldTrump that things have turned upside down in the social media world and everything is crazy. In the far right world – all the usual social media suspects that we’ve come to love and hate have been replaced. Facebook has been replaced with Gab. Twitter has been replaced with Parler. Instagram has been replaced by Telegram. And Youtube has been replaced by Dlive. The thing that unites all of these sites? Anyone can say anything they want, and there’s some seriously batshit crazy stuff out there. For the purpose of this segment, there’s no story we’re reporting on, it’s a free-floating segment, just taking a few posts and trying to make sense of them! You can’t do it! Like for instance:



Holy shit, people believe this stuff! Look, Trump is none of those things. He’s literally Grandpa Simpson sitting at a typewriter writing complaints about stupid nonsense.



Yeah Trump is that guy! He doesn’t tweet like a 20 year old, though I could see him very lazily trying to type “UR” instead of “your” ,and he has been known to confuse “your” and “you’re”. Believe me we’ve seen enough of his tweets! Then if you go on Parler you see posts like this:



Nah. The Proud Boys vs Antifa is like the Harlem Globetrotters vs the Washington Generals. You don’t go there to watch fundamentals, you go strictly for the entertainment value, and you know that one person is pulling the strings for both teams! And by the way next week we’ll go into full detail about what went down in Myanmar but there’s no way Trump would have the charisma to pull off such a coup:

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1356326209462923265



Man these guys want to overthrow the government? I wouldn’t trust them to overthrow a freaking Home Depot. Let’s see 10,000 wannabe militia types open fire on the US military. They’d retreat with their tails between their legs in 10 minutes. Let’s get into some video next and I am in no way shocked that Russia is involved with Q Anon.

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1356250311824965639


Seriously, what does Putin have on Roger Stone? Is it money or is it something that’s far more incriminating like the Trump pee pee tape? Yeah you know what? That’s something I hope that I will never see. And something that can not be unseen are some of the absolutely batshit memes being posted around Parler like this one:

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1356118940230049793



People really believe this shit! And that’s insane that 3 weeks after the inauguration we still see idiots with Trump signs at street corners. And then Parler is known as a place where trolls go to troll. Want proof? One of the worst trolls imaginable – ultra far right pastor Joshua Feurerstien posts there, and we had honestly forgot about that guy, despite that he was one of the original inspirations for “Holy Shit”.

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1356113690127458310

Seriously? This was three days ago. Biden’s already been inaugurated and cleaning up most of Trump’s mess. And speaking of Q conspiracy theorists, this has to be one of my favorite ones because for some reason, they think that 5th dimensional chess is an actual thing. But what makes this even funnier is that a Google search for “5th dimensional chess” brings up the 1960s band 5th Dimension, which sang the song “Age Of Aquarius”. Yeah so there is that.

https://twitter.com/parlertakes/status/1353881592633159683



That is a good question, sir! Because there is one story that I wanted to report on is that everyone’s favorite batshit crazy Congresswoman, a poster child for how crazy Q Anon and Infowars followers can get, Marjorie Taylor Greene spent a whopping $207,000 advertising on this shit. No wonder she attracts the crazies!



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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!

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So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we have some drinks, we discuss literally anything as long as it doesn’t relate to the news or politics. And there’s a lot of dark shit out there right now – we’re in a time of a great plague, and we had a transition of power that I would not exactly say went what one would call “smooth”. So fuck that shit. Instead we’re going to talk about the latest sensation to come out of Oklahoma. So tell me, virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about Bigfoot? A beer served in a giant glass shaped like a foot? No thanks, I don’t know where I could find such a glass. Maybe on Etsy. They have everything. But Oklahoma has an absolutely batshit way to draw tourism revenue when / if we ever get to tour things again.





Yeah what a great idea! Give your gun-loving conspiracy theorist relatives an excuse to shoot something, that will “own the libs”! But there’s more to this than would meet the eye. So what’s in it for the state of Oklahoma you might ask? Well besides that sweet, sweet tourism revenue, which states very badly need, there’s a monetary prize for whoever captures Bigfoot. Which is weird because nobody knows what Bigfoot looks like! I mean is he a monkey with giant feet, or is he your 7’4 cousin with a size 24 triple wide sneaker? Well that would be murder, then, wouldn’t it?





I don’t even think that’s enough booze right now! So get your best Daffy Duck vs Bugs Bunny impression ready because it’s literally Bigfoot hunting season in Oklahoma! And what’s going to happen when things get out of control? Because you know they will, and putting a $25,000 bounty on Bigfoot is going to have disastrous consequences, and you know things will get weird!





So take heart, Oklahoma hunters! No one has ever actually caught Bigfoot! And the one person who claims to have caught Bigfoot was actually just flat out making shit up. If you do go Bigfoot hunting, be sure to take that into account. But why Oklahoma? Well the myth of Bigfoot traces back to Honobia, Oklahoma where the annual Bigfoot Festival takes place every year. And this is mainly just a way to promote the festival. For when we can have festivals again.






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House: Joe Biden’s First Week
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Welcome back to our ongoing coverage of the 2020 election to end all elections in… *cue reverb* THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Ooh that was some good reverb there! Now that we’ve given Trump the heave ho he so richly deserves, Biden is ready to get to work, but what has his first week in office looked like? We’re going to examine this in full, and it looks a hell of a lot different than when Trump assumed power in 2017. For one thing it is so nice to have a president who doesn’t toilet tweet or give self congratulatory interviews on Fox News every night. It’s so refreshing to have a president who doesn’t speak to Sean Hannity on a nightly basis. And in case you’re wondering, he really is hard at work right now cleaning up Trump’s mess!





And the best part too – Biden just moves onto the next thing and doesn’t hold it up for the world to see like Trump did! So what does Joe have planned in his first 100 days? Well in his first 7 days he’s already accomplished more than Trump has in four years. But his first 100 days look to be really intense and he plans a lot to get Americans back to work and get COVID under control. But it looks like Biden is channeling FDR in his plans!





That is a good question! But what is happening right now is that we finally have a leader with compassion – as opposed to having a leader who’s been a colossal dick for the last four years that got us in a raging pandemic and crippling unemployment. And also while Trump tried to play the “cool boss” part of being president without actually doing his job, Biden is the boss and he will be playing the “cool boss” part when COVID finally gets under control!





See that conservatives? That’s what a president is supposed to do! Yeah you can cheerlead Trump all you want but he never really did any actual work. Biden gets shit done before noon, while Trump sleeps until noon and then spends the next 8 hours yelling at the TV, while calling other people lazy. Oh and this might be one of the best parts of the Biden administration so far – he won’t be making decisions involving his family members! Again… what’s happening right now? Is it that far left agenda? You bet!










[font size="4"]And Now This: [br] [/font]
[font size="8"]Black Pumas [br] [/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, you saw them and loved them at the Inauguration of Joe Biden! Now playing the song “Colors” from their album Black Pumas – you can buy the Deluxe Edition of this album anywhere you get music, give it up for Black Pumas!



See you next week!

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