December 15, 2023

I don't suppose anyone knows where a person can go for assistance.

Bottom line: We will be facing the loss of this place as our residence at some point in the next year. The owner is getting married and the original plan we made with him is gone. (Because it never existed. He never meant a word of it.) None of this is 'official', as my husband can't be convinced that these things need to be documented six ways to Sunday. He and this person agreed to several things that the homeowner either ignored or reneged on. Now, he is going to screw us over because the next shiny object caught his attention. (No, there was nothing explicit going on here, just someone that my mate thought would be a good person to live with on a permanent basis in kind fa communal arrangement. Again, I was not privy to most of this and by the time I was involved, it was a done deal that we were going to move up here and live with this person in his house. He is my husband. What was I supposed to do?)

There is nothing to do in regards to this situation as there was nothing formal about it. Which means he can just give us 30 days and then toss us out. We know no one else here. In seven years, I have been shut out of every attempt to create a friendship or even an acquaintance. We are over 1300 miles from anyone we know. My husband is in denial I think. To my knowledge, he has not done anything to look into dealing with this situation. He says he is confident that the wedding idea will never happen and things will just go on as they have. This situation we are in is driving me insane, as well as this part of the city. I am scared that my husband will just sit here and let this happen. I suppose the same thing could be said of me, but my inaction is mostly because of my anxieties. This type of thing is exactly the trigger that sets my entire mental health into a spiral that can be impossible to manage. (Which I warned my mate about when he proposed. He has experienced it, so he knows.)

I feel so helpless. I keep reading how everything is supposed to be so great and yet I am looking at being homeless and destitute. Every time I try to seek help, I just get lots of thoughts and prayers, which as we all know are worse than useless in such a situation. I am not familiar with seeking help like this because this is the first time I have ever needed it. I have tried the normal channels to get help or loans or something but they always shake their head pityingly and then close the window. I am facing this Christmas as the last one that will ever be normal.

Are the agencies that will actually help someone instead of tossing a crumb and telling me to keep going? Because the crumbs are gone and there is no going to be kept. Other than selling my goddamned organs, what can I do? I have nothing. My entire material worth (which is all this nation cares about anyway, let's be honest) is like $600, which is no help at all. I will gladly sell off my babies (guitars) to help with this, but as I said, they are not worth much. My physical health means I cannot work because I cannot maintain a schedule with anyone. When my body stops working I cannot work, regardless of the employers schedule. Who would ever hire anyone like that?

(I told him about my luck. I warned him many times. Now he sees. Now he sees that line from Hee Haw was more than a throwaway joke. 'If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.'

December 2, 2023

I just spend the last ten hours putting up the Christmas stuff.

I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, sore and tired.

(Did I mention that I hurt? heh)

November 26, 2023

The darkening skies.

Well, I am trying my best not to freak out right now. It seems the guy who owns the place where we live came back from Thanksgiving and informed me that he and the dude he says is his boyfriend are now engaged. Wonderful, right? No. Because, now I expect him to come to my hubby and myself and inform us that we will have to move out now that they are going to be getting hitched. To make a long story short(er), thanks to my own health taking a nosedive, my hubby being screwed over by his employer, and COVID, we are not in any position to be moving anywhere. We moved half way across the country because we were misled by both him and the company my husband works for. I cannot do anything about this. I do not have magic powers. I cannot 'hit someone up for help'. I told my husband that moving this far away from any safety net was dangerous. (We know no one here except the guy we moved in with and we both come from families who cannot do much to help us in this situation.)

I can tell you this... I will NEVER ignore my instincts or my gut feelings EVER again!

(WTF are we going to do? I KNEW something like this was going to happen! As an astute writer once said, "The boy who cried 'wolf' is a cautionary tale. But, what if the boy had been right the entire time and everyone had just ignored him?"

October 28, 2023

I don't know what to do.

I am sitting here wondering why I am still sitting here. I have been doing some thinking and researching about what to do instead of sitting here all the time. And, there just is not much coming to mind. This was never an issue in the past. I could always find something to do. But nowadays, anything I used to do is just that, I used to do it. Either because of physical issues or just my mental health, I cannot fathom doing much of anything. I don't want to do anything that people 'my age' seem to want to do, as they all seem to want to do things that require a 'dick waving' amount of money. I don't even have 'so broke I cannot afford to pay attention' money, so I can't do any of that. Plus, I do not have my own transportation anymore since my little truck died. My beloved husband works in the evenings and into the night, which just removes him and our vehicle from any plans. Plus, I just don't know if I have anything to offer anyone who is not a geeky, former performer who cannot do any of it anymore anyway. I mean, I jumped on two different sites that list activities and events for 'seniors' and everything listed looked shallow and boring and everything I did a search for came up empty. I don't get it. Why can't people understand that when one is done, it makes no sense to just sit around and mark time? I just do not get it. And on nights like tonight... with my favorite holiday coming up and a weekend of partying before that holiday even arrives, I just do not understand why anyone would want me to sit here in constant pain and depression for any length of time.

As Spock would no doubt say, it is not logical.

October 15, 2023

Looks like we are done.

My husband was not sleeping and I just asked him what was wrong. Turns out his employer is now doing the old 'reduce their hours so that they will quit' maneuver. We have no prospects here. We cannot move thanks to taking this extreme risk in moving up here in the first place. My health is fading fast and I can not do much of anything to help with this. I am done playing these stupid games for rich assholes who enjoy watching their grunts suffer. I am done with the lies and done with the illusion. He would be much better off without my worthless ass. He would certainly find it easier to get himself to a better place without the albatross hanging off of him. No one cares about my health unless they can profit from it. No one cares about anything unless they can make profit from it. I am just done with all of this. Fuck Panera and fuck the corporate world in general. I wish I was crazy, because I am sure I would feel much better if I could run amok somewhere. But, I cannot even run, much less do something so energetic. I am lost and I cannot think anymore. There are times when I cannot even climb a flight of stairs without resting. I am having hip issues now, in addition to all the other issues. No one cares. (Let me clarify... no one who could do something about any of this seems to care.) I am going to go now. I don't know what I am going to do. I do know that I am tired of struggling against the inevitable.

October 8, 2023

So, this question, in some form or another, has popped up multiple times.

And, I figured, why not ask those great minds at the DU about it and get their thoughts?



Ladies and Gentlemen...

The Art of Noise...

Now, to the question...

In your opinion, what percentage of the population born after 1983 could attribute their existence to this song?

(I put it at around 30%, which sounds high but back in the day, this tune was like magic...)

September 28, 2023

Oh yeah, a few more pics from the trip.

Can you guess where we decided to stop for gas?

September 25, 2023

Thought I would post these here as well...

Home... there is nothing more to say...

September 25, 2023

A few images from my recent trip home.

(And, points nearby)









Hope you enjoy them...

September 21, 2023

I contacted my congressperson about my Social Security situation.

They replied yesterday. I am denied Social Security Disability, and I am denied Supplementary Income, both due to the measly income that my husband makes because he had to return to being a baker with a company that removed his entire department during COVID. He had no choice but to return and bake because we are failing fast. It is part-time work and they won't give him full time hours. Now, all of my efforts to get us some help have failed as well. Where are the nearest train tracks? I am done now. There is no hope. There is no life for anyone who does not work themselves to death for the oligarchy. I am not sure if I want to even worry about anyone or anything right now since no one gives one rat's ass about me. Maybe selling my organs might bring a little something in for him. I will have to look into that.