Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14: Take My Brother, Please! Edition

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Top 10 Conservative Idiots #14: Take My Brother, Please! Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Well another Super Bowl and Iowa Caucus have come and gone. Well the Super Bowl – there were a lot of highlights and a few low lights (don't get me started on how much I utterly despise Mountain Dew's “puppy monkey baby” commercial). Congratulations to the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning. Time to go out on a high note, Peyton! Panthers – you put up a good fight, and you can sleep easier knowing that your championship hats and t-shirts are going to be clothing Africa's impoverished children. First off, I love that Stephen Colbert took the liberty of moderating a Trump Vs. Trump panel:

There was a lot of conservative idiocy for Iowa Caucuses. Almost too much. But the biggest loser of all of them was easily Jeb! (1). The Jeb! campaign is so desperate to regain its' former glory that its' easily taking the top spot this week. And celebrate good times come on! I'm of course talking about the fact that stupid loser Der Trumpenfuror (2) came in second in the Straw Poll, but he's not taking it sitting down. Oh no good sir/madam, Der Trumpenfuror is pissed and we'll tell you all about it! At number 3 and 4, we're going to recap the Iowa straw poll and all the madness including Ben Carson flying to Florida for a “change of clothes”, the debate intro fail, Michelle Bachmann calling Obama the antichrist, and we're going to take a look at some GOP marketing fails from Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. Returning champion Michigan governor Rick Snyder (5) falls to fifth place this week, but he's not leaving this list until he resigns or is arrested. Next, we're going to introduce you to a men's rights activist named Dariyush Valizadeh (6) and something about this creep tells me that he should be on a registered sex offender list or two. Ted Cruz (7) is getting an endorsement from a pastor who thinks that Ted Cruz was appointed by God to run the US, while a reporter who attended a Cruz rally has the exact opposite opinion. At number 8, last place contestant and current Ohio governor John Kasich (8) says that if he's elected president he'll reunite Pink Floyd. Good luck with that, John! Taking the 9th seed is the Bundy Bunch (9) who are finally behind bars, but the Malhuer occupation is far from over. Finally – the Oscars aren't the only thing committing some racially sensitive marketing fails (10). We're going to take a look at some extremely poorly planned marketing decisions including a Sacramento Kings promo fail and a Detroit ad agency's planned “ghetto day”. Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!


[font size="8"]Jeb![/font]


Before we begin this entry, we need the appropriate music, and like my favorite podcast, read this entry in your best Casey Kasem voice. Can we get some sad Hulk music?

Jeb! has a sad. Seems he can’t even buy votes. But the sinking ship known as the Jeb! campaign is so far beyond saving that it’s almost impossible to recover. In fact Jeb! is so desperate to regain the lead in his campaign that he's resorting to get help from the one family member who he thinks can be a real game changer.

Former President George W. Bush will appear in a television ad produced by the super PAC supporting younger brother Jeb Bush's White House bid starting this weekend in South Carolina, NBC News has confirmed.

The Right to Rise ad, titled "First Job," is not affiliated with the candidate's official campaign and features the former president speaking to the camera while photos of his brother pan across the screen.
"I know Jeb," George W. Bush says. "I know his good heart and his strong backbone."

Read more: http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/george-w-bush-appear-ad-supporting-brother-n511626

Yup! It's (thankfully former) President Dim Son! *Bush impression* Vote for my brother! He he he... you'll essentially be voting for me again! He should have packed it in, after placing behind Ben Carson in Iowa. But nope, he appears to be running a reverse campaign. Roll tape!

That’s Jeb! actually instructing an audience to “please clap”. And before we go further, go back to the video. Notice that guy in the blue and white striped shirt sitting directly behind Jeb! ? He's so bored he looks like he's about to fall off his chair and go to sleep. That's how dull the Jeb! campaign really is. Here’s more:

“If you look at their records, they’re gifted in how they speak, but what about their life experience?” Mr. Bush said at Franklin Pierce University in Rindge, likening the two to President Obama, who was elected president after less than four years in the Senate. “Is there something in their past that would suggest they have the capability of making a tough decision?”

Yet there are signs Mr. Bush may still have some work to do.Speaking at the Hanover Inn near the Vermont border on Tuesday, Mr. Bush finished a fiery riff about protecting the country — “I won’t be out here blow-harding, talking a big game without backing it up,” he said — and was met with total silence.

“Please clap,” he said, sounding defeated.

The crowd laughed — and then, finally, clapped.

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/04/us/politics/jeb-bush-an-also-ran-in-iowa-may-be-pivotal-in-new-hampshire.html?_r=0

And what the fuck is with republicans and creepy, implied innuendo? Did you not catch the part of the article where Jeb! told an 18 year old audience member that he “wanted to be his first”? And in case you were wondering, no, that's not your dirty mind thinking dirty thoughts, but yes, he’s talking about voting. But in New Hampshire now, an even different atmosphere awaits the Jeb! Campaign, where a reporter described the atmosphere in the room as if he'd been in a funeral home. But what’s even sadder for the Jeb! campaign is that as I said earlier, he can’t even buy votes. *Casey Kasem voice* Here’s how you too can make a quick $50 by attending a Jeb! campaign stop in Des Moines:

Someone is paying people to attend a campaign event this afternoon for Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's lagging campaign. Or so claims a mysterious flyer that was allegedly circulated in Des Moines today.

The flyer, which was tweeted out by staffers for a rival campaign and super PAC on Monday, offers cash for individuals who show up to -- and sit through -- a Bush rally at an Embassy Suites in Des Moines, which began at noon Monday. Bush's campaign quickly denied on Twitter any connection to the flyer or the offer for cash, but did not respond to a VICE News request to discuss the incident Monday.

During the Bush event today, a heckler stood up and shouted: "We've been here for two and a half hours and haven't gotten paid yet! Where's that $50?"

The heckler was soon removed from the room, amid shouting from Bush supporters who began chanting: "Jeb! Jeb! Jeb!"
https://news.vice.com/article/mystery-entity-offers-to-pay-people-to-attend-jeb-bush-rally-in-iowa

Were these supporters thrilled to actually be in the same room as Jeb! or were they just happy to get their $50? And that shout out goes to the one person in Des Moines who showed up too late to collect their $50. I’m Casey Kasem.


[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]

Celebrate good times come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One down, 49 to go. I’m of course talking about the fact that Der Trumpenfuror lost the first of what will hopefully be many elections. Before we get into the madness that is the Donald Trump campaign this week, first open a new tab on your browser and go to www.loser.com. Go ahead, we’ll wait.

But first, the New York Daily News is once again nailing it:



Pretty funny, am I not right about that? Well, defeat is something that comes natural to Donald Trump, but he doesn’t take it very well. In fact, he’s not taking it sitting down, and is actually going, well, batshit crazy Trump style.

After accusing Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) of "illegally" stealing a win from the Iowa caucuses, Donald Trump said Wednesday that he'll "probably" sue over the results of the vote.
Trump said this in an interview on Boston Herald Radio, that was flagged by BuzzFeed.
When asked if he would file a formal complaint over the caucuses' results, Trump replied, "probably."
"What did is unthinkable," Trump said, later stating that Cruz was a "really fraudulent" character.
Earlier in the day, Trump fired off a raging tweetstorm accusing Cruz of cheating in Iowa. Trump even suggested the Republican Party take the unprecedented step of holding a do-over election in Iowa or nullifying Cruz's results.

Read more: http://www.aol.com/article/2016/02/03/trump-i-will-probably-sue-because-ted-cruz-cheated-in-iowa/21307315/

Yes, Donald Trump is so desperate to Make America Great Again, that despite losing out in Iowa, he's threatening to sue Ted Cruz for election tampering. Somebody call the whambulance! But that's not the only thing plaguing Der Trumpenfuror's campaign. It appears that he has been using much loved music superstar Adele's music without her permission, and she responded by not just calling out Der Trumpenfuror, but all American politicians can't use her music without express written permission:

When we think of Donald Trump, we don't typically think "man who sobs himself to sleep while listening to Adele on repeat." But apparently, the super normal and totally tolerant presidential hopeful loves the British singer's music so much that he's been playing her hits at political rallies. Pshhhh, what now?
Fans alerted Adele to Trump's fan-boying when "Rolling in the Deep" was played after Sarah Palin's endorsement, and let's just say there was a general feeling of "NOPE."
http://www.marieclaire.com/politics/news/a18393/adele-trump-music-ban/

Trump must really be rolling in the deep if he's being slammed by one of the world's most loved singers right now. And how did he lose in Iowa? Why he has no idea how to run a campaign!

http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/02/donald-trump-explains-iowa-loss
The post-Iowa reckoning continued Wednesday morning, with Donald Trump speed-dialing into MSNBC’s Morning Joe for an awkward postmortem. Trump, who has been the Republican presidential poll-leader for months, placed second in the Iowa caucuses Monday night, three percentage points behind Ted Cruz....

“I think we could have used a better ground game, a term I wasn’t even familiar with,” Trump said. “You know, when you hear ‘ground game,’ you say what the hell is that? Now I’m familiar with it. But, you know, I think in retrospect we should have had a better ground game. I would have funded a better ground game, but people told me our ground game was fine. And by most standards it was.”...

Trump may not have had a ground game, but he proved perfectly willing to pay the pander game. In the run-up to the caucuses, he expressed hope that his daughter Ivanka Trump would give birth in Iowa, and shared some newfound skepticism about Obergefell v. Hodges, in which the Supreme Court ruled to extend marriage equality to the entire nation.

“The caucus system is a complex system and I was never familiar with it,” Trump said on Wednesday. “I mean, I was never involved with the caucus system. Don’t forget, Joe, I’m doing this for the first time. I’m like a rookie and I’m learning fast and I do learn fast, and I think we’re doing really—I think we did very well.”

Well since the primaries next head to New Hampshire, who knows what kind of lunacy awaits us? But one thing we can be sure of – Donald Trump is a loser for now! And while I hate to kick a man while he's down, but considering Donald Trump does that for a living, I will gladly make an exception! And to drive another nail into Trump's campaign coffin, the former president of Mexico says the Mexican people won't pay a dime for his "stupid wall":

U.S. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump might want to build a wall across the country's southern border to keep Mexican migrants out but don't expect Mexico to pay for it, the former Mexican president told CNBC, calling the billionaire a "not very well-informed man."

The Presidential hopeful shocked viewers in October by insisting that, if elected, he would build a wall the Mexican border and what's more, Mexico would pay for it. But Felipe Calderon, the former president of Mexico between 2006 and 2012, told CNBC on Saturday that there was no way that Mexico would pay for such a device.

"Mexican people, we are not going to pay any single cent for such a stupid wall! And it's going to be completely useless," Calderon said.

"The first loser of such a policy would be the United States," he added. "If this guy pretends that closing the borders to anywhere either for trade (or) for people is going to provide prosperity to the United States, he is completely crazy."

http://www.msn.com/en-us/money/markets/mexico-wont-pay-a-cent-for-trumps-stupid-wall/ar-BBpeJIY?li=BBnbfcL

Though if Der Trumpenfuror should make it past Super Tuesday, I think I have the perfect running mate for him - another crazy TV clown who speaks of insane fairy tales:

Trump / Supreme 2016!


[font size="8"]Straw Poll Special – Part 1[/font]


Now that we got stupid loser Der Trumpenfuror out of the way, there was so much more to Iowa that made it immensely entertaining. So much that it was nearly impossible to figure out where to start with all the madness. Like Marco Rubio caught repeating himself multiple times during the most recent debate:

But... where else do we begin, but with the guy who, as Bill Maher called him, the “Human Screensaver”, Ben Carson? Well after coming in a distant fourth to Marco Rubio, Ben Carson rushed home to Florida to grab a change of some “fresh clothes”?

Caucus night is inherently wacky and, in a year when the Republican presidential front-runner is a reality TV star, journalists covering the proceedings in Iowa surely anticipated something they've never seen before.
But surely not this.
Ben Carson, the retired neurosurgeon who briefly led the GOP field just a few months ago, announced that after voting concludes in the Hawkeye State, he will not hurry off to campaign in New Hampshire, site of the nation's first primary next Tuesday, like everyone else. Nor will he head to South Carolina, whose primary follows 11 days later.
Instead, he will go home to Florida to rest and — this is the best part — "get some fresh clothes."
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/02/01/ben-carsons-amazing-excuse-for-taking-a-break-from-the-campaign-trail-he-needs-fresh-clothes/

You can’t make a politician like Ben Carson up. His campaign will be the stuff of legend. He is Governor Dunston from 30 Rock.

But next where else do we go? Oh yeah Michelle Bachmann went off the rails and said that Obama is going to reveal that he is the antichrist!

Michele Bachmann is fantasizing about the apocalypse again — but it’s hard to tell if she’s trying to stop it or enthusiastically cheering it on.
The former Republican congresswoman appeared Saturday on the “end times” radio program hosted by Jan Markell and Eric Barger, who she warned that the Syrian civil war was setting up the biblical battle of Armageddon, reported Right Wing Watch.
Bachmann predicted world leaders were poised to grant “legitimacy to the Islamic State,” and she said Russian and Iranian military intervention in Syria was establishing grounds for a future invasion of Israel to seize its energy resources — in accordance with the biblical prophecy.
“I believe that they are positioning themselves so that someday they could invade Israel to be able to take over the vast stores of oil and natural gas that Israel is controlling,” she said.

Oh yes my friends. Heed this warning! Obama will become the antichrist! Because you know the Bible says that the dark one shall pose as creature of light. And so on and so on...

But who's the bigger threat to America – ISIS or conservatives? Well this week Newsweek paints a very grim picture of the republican party – and you guessed it – they are the bigger threat!

The problem is getting worse, although few outside of law enforcement know it. Multiple confidential sources notified the FBI last year that militia members have been conducting surveillance on Muslim schools, community centers and mosques in nine states for what one informant described as “operational purposes.” Informants also notified federal law enforcement that Mississippi militia extremists discussed kidnapping and beheading a Muslim, then posting a video of the decapitation on the Internet. The FBI also learned that right-wing extremists have created bogus law enforcement and diplomatic identifications, not because these radicals want to pretend to be police and ambassadors, but because they believe they hold those positions in a government they have created within the United States. .........

http://www.newsweek.com/2016/02/12/right-wing-extremists-militants-bigger-threat-america-isis-jihadists-422743.html

Why gee who would have guessed it? The biggest threat to America isn't Osama Bin Laden, oh no – it's actually the Bundy Bunch, who we will cover much later in this edition! Huzzah!


[font size="8"]Straw Poll Special – Part II: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder Money Never Sleeps[/font]


People say that politics is boring. Although if we had the amazing musical Hamilton back when I was in high school and American politics and history were told through rap battles, I can guarantee that there would be a lot more politicians around. Well politics is boring, but then there's the Iowa caucuses which come around once every four years and offer some incredible free entertainment that usually trumps the dull January movie slump. And once every four years they bring with them such guilty pleasures as poor marketing fails and the sinking ship that is the Jeb! Campaign which we will cover later in this edition. But first here's how you don't make an introduction:

That intro was so bad that Ben Carson - as expected - fell asleep during it, and it was mocked relentlessly on SNL. But for this part – we're going to start by explaining some extremely poor marketing fails that involve the Ted Cruz campaign. He may have won Iowa, but he is losing in the marketing department!

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/02/04/1480113/-Ted-Cruz-s-Logo-Hilariously-Appropriate

You know that “TrusTed” logo? The one with TRUS and TED merged, yet separated via different colors?

Turns out that when you Google “TRUS”, the logo at once becomes hilarious and hilariously appropriate:
"A transrectal ultrasound (TRUS) is an ultrasound technique that is used to view a man's prostate and surrounding tissues. The ultrasound transducer (probe) sends sound waves through the wall of the rectum into the prostate gland, which is located directly in front of the rectum."

Yup, that’s the very top Google result. Basically, it’s an anal probe.

You see Ted – we have this thing called “Google” that you can type words and phrases into and it will match words and phrases with useful articles that might contain those words and phrases. You should try it sometime. Actually I think all republicans should try it sometime.

Continuing on with the subject of extremely poor marketing fails, Marco Rubio did surprisingly well considering that he placed third behind Ted Cruz and Der Trumpenfuror. But he too is the victim of some bad timing and poor marketing. For $30 – and who wouldn't spend $30 on this bright blue Marco Rubio t-shirt that has the word “bae” on it?

(CNN)Just call him Marco Ru(bae)o.
Marco Rubio's campaign recently has been selling a bright blue T-shirt emblazoned with the Florida senator's smiling face above a millennial-friendly spelling of his last name: "Ru(bae)o."
The unusual spelling of Rubio is a reference to 2015 buzzword "bae," a trendy term of affection, and in keeping with Rubio's efforts to capitalize on his relative youth to appeal to younger voters.
Available at the Rubio campaign store for $30, the item is listed as "Marco Rubio is bae T-shirt." Bumper stickers with the spelling are also on sale for $5.
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/03/politics/marco-rubio-bae-shirt/

But what does bae mean? Some say its' an acronym for “before anyone else”. Others think it means “baby” or “sweetheart”. But Urban Dictionary has an entirely different take:

Bæ
Bæ/bae is a Danish word for poop. Also used by people on the internet who think it means baby, sweetie etc.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bae

Yup – two of the front runners for the GOP are now both knee deep in shit.


[font size="8"]Rick Snyder[/font]


Speaking of things that are knee deep in shit – we go back to Flint, Michigan for our ever growing coverage of Leadgate. Yeah so I added the word “gate” to the end of another word to make it a scandal worthy name. What are you going to do? Fight me about it? So we can all agree that the Flint clusterfuck is an epic fail on multiple levels, right? Well now it appears that the air in Michigan is just as toxic as the water in Flint. So what is Gov. Snyder doing about fixing this? Nothing and there’s calls for his arrest which probably won’t happen.

High-ranking officials in Governor Rick Snyder’s administration were aware of a surge in legionnaires’ disease potentially linked to Flint’s water long before the Michigan governor reported the increase to the public last month, internal emails show.

After the release of the emails, the Michigan Democratic party called for Snyder to step down on Thursday.

When Snyder disclosed the spike in legionnaires’ cases on 13 January, he said he had learned about it just a couple of days earlier. But emails obtained by the liberal group Progress Michigan through public-records requests show Snyder’s own office was aware of the outbreak since last March. At the time, others in the administration were scrambling to respond to suggestions that bacteria in the city’s new water source, the Flint river, could be the culprit.

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/feb/04/governor-rick-snyder-urged-to-quit-flint-water-crisis-emails-legionnaires-outbreak

Gee who woulda thunk it? Why the toxic water is bringing with it – the return of deadly diseases! And yes this is something that Gov. Snyder should absolutely be arrested for. But you know what the governor is doing to help his citizens out? He’s not fixing this, but he’s giving you a 30% discount!

Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder announced a proposal Wednesday that would allocate state money to pay part of Flint residents’ water bills during the ongoing lead contamination crisis.
Snyder, a Republican, will make the case for the $30 million plan when he presents his budget next week for the coming fiscal year. Pending the state legislature's approval, his proposal would lower residents’ bills by about 30 percent until water is safe to drink, and credit their past bills going back to April 2014. Former residents would also be eligible for refunds.
“I agree with Flint residents, that they should not have to pay for water they cannot drink,” Snyder said in a statement.
The city's problems date back to 2014, when it stopped buying pre-treated Lake Huron water from Detroit as a cost-cutting measure. It began using Flint River water without treating it to prevent corrosion, and the water then wore down the system's aged pipes and leached lead from them.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/flint-water-bills-rick-snyder_us_56b2893ee4b01d80b245188e

*Gets out old timey announcer costume and voice* Step right up folks! Get your Gov. Snyder approved toxic cure all! Wait, did I say toxic? I meant tonic! It is a miracle cure all for everything from the common cold to cancer! Now you get a discount for it folks! First 100,000 Flint residents get a new shiny 30% discount for Gov. Snyder’s miracle cure all!

I give up…


[font size="8"]Daryush Valizadeh[/font]


So in case you aren’t aware of what’s going on in the world, back in Idiots #11, I covered the horrifying New Year’s Eve mass sexual assaults that took place in Cologne, Germany allegedly conducted by an anti-woman terrorist group. The country is still fuming and the local police didn’t seem to get the message. And one person in America definitely didn’t get the message either, and is actually actively trying to make that sort of thing legal. This is not funny and not OK, under any circumstances, do you get that Daryush??

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2016/feb/2/roosh-v-pro-rape-activist-organizes-covert-meeting/
A blogger who once argued rape should be legal if done on private property has launched an “International Meetup Day” where followers are expected to gather furtively Saturday night in various locations throughout the world.

The website Return of Kings is hosting the event, promising a total of 165 meetings in 43 countries, which will all take place Saturday night. Return of Kings is run by Daryush Valizadeh, better known as Roosh V — a self-described pickup artist who sparked international outrage last year after he authored a blog post supporting “legal rape.”...

Mr. Valizadeh said on Twitter Tuesday night that the blog post was meant to be satire, but the backlash continued. Mayors in the U.K., Australia and Canada have publicly condemned the blogger, and petitions have been launched to revoke his travel rights. A U.K. petition calling for him to banned from the country before scheduled meet-ups in Glasgow, Edinburgh, London and Cardiff has surpassed 50,000 signatures, even though he is not expected to be present at those meetings. Australia’s Immigration Minister Peter Dutton responded to the controversy Tuesday, saying “People who advocate violence against women are not welcome” in the country. Mr. Valizadeh, of Maryland, said he would be joining the activists on Saturday in Washington, D.C. only....

“Up to now, the enemy has been able to exert their power by isolating us and attacking with shrieking mobs, but we’ll be able to neutralize that tactic by amassing in high numbers come February 6,” he wrote, DNAInfo reported. “I will exact furious retribution upon anyone who challenges you in public on that date.”

Does this guy not have any women in his family? And what sick, disgusting men would attend this kind of rally? I know I wouldn’t! In fact part of me wonders if this guy is on a registered sex offender list somewhere, and if not, he should probably be on one, as should most of the people who are going to be attending these meetings and want to see rape legalized. But the nice thing? The first is that they are getting trolled by Anonymous to the point where Valizadeh tweeted to his 19,000 fellow sex offenders that they should change their e-mail addresses:

http://www.sfgate.com/news/nation-world/article/Hacktivists-Anonymous-take-aim-at-legal-rape-6809402.php
When "legal rape" blogger Daryush Valizadeh (also known as Roosh V) invited devoted readers to an international meetup day, the announcement wasn't exactly met with open arms. Actually, in one instance, it was met with boxing gloves. But the threat of physical pain wasn't the only thing that scared the group into cancelling its event.

Valizadeh told members, known as "tribesmen," to be careful after the meetup announcement caught the eyes of hacktivist group Anonymous.

For years, Return of Kings has been called the "worst blog on the Internet" and a "vile troll site." They were even dubbed misogynistic "garbage" by the Ottawa mayor on Wednesday. With its fat shaming, racist commentary and degrading write-ups about women, the site's aggressive reputation preceded its meet-up announcement, prompting the hashtag #TurnAwayReturnofKings.

"Heads up to all forum members: change your emails immediately," Valizadeh tweeted to his nearly 19,000 Twitter followers on Wednesday. "Hacking group that works for media is incoming." The tweet has since been deleted.

But my personal favorite part about this is that it was met with a counter protest by a Toronto women’s boxing club:

http://www.metronews.ca/news/toronto/2016/02/02/toronto-woman-plans-to-crash-roosh-v-meetup-.html
How do you deal with a man who advocates for legal rape? With boxing gloves, according to a group of Toronto women....

Roosh, whose real name is Daryush Valizadeh, has promised to take video of feminists who crash the gatherings so he and his online followers can “tear them up” afterwards.

But the Toronto Newsgirls boxing club isn’t afraid retaliation, online or off. They’re pledging to find the meeting spot and show up in full force, gloves and all.

“Pictures will show up online of women wearing boxing gloves, and blah, blah, blah,” Howe said. “The photos of us will show women that being powerful is an option.

Great job ladies! But can you actually physically fight this guy? Or can we throw this creep in an octagon with Ronda Rousey? I can imagine it would go something like this:

That would be the shortest fight ever. Only fight to ever win by telepathy.


[font size="8"]Ted Cruz[/font]


Ted Cruz may have won Iowa, but he's still a loser, and the 2016 election is still a long way off. And he's still a loser in a lot of aspects. He's certainly the most religiously crazy, and now that Huckabee and Rand Paul are both out, he is going so far out of his way to prove that he's the more manly and godly candidate than the next. Remember this video of him eating bacon that he fired off a machine gun?

Well batshit crazy mega church pastor Kenneth Copeland thinks that Ted Cruz isn't just a mere presidential candidate – no, he's the savior! So if Obama is the antichrist, and Ted Cruz is the savior, then what does that say about these people?

Earlier this year, Ted Cruz's father and primary presidential campaign surrogate, Rafael, spoke at televangelist Kenneth Copeland's church in Texas, where the controversial prosperity gospel preacher declared that Ted Cruz has been anointed by God to be the next president.

Copeland, who believes that he can destroy the Ebola virus by speaking in tongues, introduced the elder Cruz by asserting that "I believe, with all my heart, that his son is called and anointed to be the next president of the United States."

After Cruz spoke for an hour, delivering his standard presentation urging Christians to vote in order to beat back secularism and take control of this nation, Copeland asked him to recount how the Holy Spirit had descended upon a Cruz family prayer session and convinced Ted to seek the presidency, which Rafael took as a sign that "God has raised him up for such a time as this."

Then, several church elders gathered around Cruz in order to lay hands upon him and pray while Eagle Mountain International Church senior pastor George Pearsons proclaimed that "we are in the midst right now of the new birth of this nation."

- See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/kenneth-copeland-declares-ted-cruz-has-been-called-and-anointed-god-be-next-president#sthash.6lusMgqS.dpuf

But how right or wrong is Kenneth Copeland? Well he is wrong, very very very very wrong. One reporter attended a Cruz rally in Iowa and found some incredibly disturbing facts that prove just the opposite of what Pastor Copeland claims.

http://www.salon.com/2016/02/05/the_special_hell_of_a_ted_cruz_rally_what_its_like_to_spend_an_evening_with_the_gops_oiliest_operator/

Cruz is often described as “oily,” but that word doesn’t really do him justice. In fact, he’s so oleaginous he reminds one of the puddles covering the stained cement floor of a Jiffy Lube. It’s not just a physical characteristic – though there is that; the man has a sheen about him – but also one of affect. When he strides out to a rapturous greeting from the crowd and walks along the edge of the stage slapping hands with people in the front row, it feels so studied that I can picture college-age Ted Cruz practicing this move in his Princeton dorm room.

The speech is filled with the usual bullshit that no one will call him on, even in a GOP debate, because all the candidates are trying to appeal to a base that has gone beyond reason and Earth’s orbit. But it’s worth rebutting a few of the lies here, if only for the benefit of future archaeologists picking through the ruins of our civilization if Ted Cruz winds up leading it.

For economic policy, Cruz has a plan to turbocharge the American economy. It seems to go something like this:
•Repeal Obamacare
•Institute a flat tax on all personal and business income
•Economic growth!!!!!

So Ted Cruz is not the savior that the GOP thinks he is. Oh no – he's actually a sleazy snake oil salesman who's not only selling an invisible product, but selling an invisible product that is going to have devastating long term effects on America's economy. Worse than Bush. He's a graduate of the South Park Underpants Gnomes school of business economics: Step 1 – Repeal Obamacare and flat tax businesses and personal income. Step 2 - ? Step 3 – Profit!

See? Even Der Trumpenfuror has an opinion on this one.


[font size="8"]John Kasich[/font]


Politicians – especially republicans – tend to promise some incredibly stupid shit while campaigning. One such politician is dead last candidate, and the current governor of Ohio, John Kasich. At least to give him credit for one thing, he knows what music fans like, and that’s some Pink Floyd. Oh I love me some Pink Floyd. To paraphrase a quote from Homer Simpson - “He who is tired of Pink Floyd is tired of life.” And that is true if you're a music fan. But John Kasich is so far behind in the polls that he's resorting to saying stupid shit like this. Roll tape!

Republican presidential candidate John Kasich placed 8th in last night’s Iowa caucus, earning only 1.9% of the vote. But Kasich knows what the people want — Pink Floyd — and he’s prepared to offer it. The Ohio Governor spoke to CNN about his campaign today, and the interview concluded with Alisyn Camerota asking him about his favorite concert ever. “Pink Floyd’s The Wall,” Kasich replied. “Roger Waters is a remarkable artist. I saw The Wall in Pittsburgh; it was absolutely incredible. I don’t even have to think twice, it was the best. And if I’m president, I am going to once and for all try to reunite Pink Floyd to come together and play a couple songs. And since we have so much trouble in America with our finances, I’m going to start with a little song they created called ‘Money.'” Well, there ya have it! Watch below.
http://www.stereogum.com/1856977/presidential-candidate-john-kasich-promises-to-reunite-pink-floyd-if-elected/video/

Hey! Hey knows what we like, and we apparently love some Pink Floyd. I know I do! But getting Roger Waters and David Gilmour in the same room would be a near impossible feat without them killing each other. But hey… they still tour and they still play Pink Floyd songs, so its’ not like we’re missing much. I am actually going to see David Gilmour in March at the Hollywood Bowl playing behind his great new album “Rattle That Lock”, and of course he’ll be playing some Dark Side and Wish You Were Here era Floyd. Between poison in Flint, our crumbling infrastructure, and our military industrial complex getting unchecked power and government subsidies, is this really what we want our next president focusing all his power on? Besides, we all know what this is really about:

[font size="8"]The Bundy Bunch[/font]


Here's the story of a man named Ammon, who stormed onto some remote government property with his brother. Together they forgot snacks and got dildos instead. Here’s the story of a man named Cliven, who was raising up two very angry sons. Now just like their father, they all share a jail cell in a maximum security prison. And there, they’re known as the Bundy Bunch… the Bundy Bunch! OK that doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it appears that the Malheur madness might finally be coming to an end… or is it?

Well at LaVoy Finicum's funeral – here's Cliven Bundy being treated like a discount Don Corleone:



But let's roll tape on the latest statement from the Bundy Bunch regarding Ammon's arrest:

But will they get bail or won't they get bail? Both Ammon and Ryan Bundy, and John “Sworn Oath” Ritzheimer will be denied without bail:

A federal judge ordered Ammon Bundy and other leaders of the armed militia in Oregon to remain behind bars without bail at a hearing in Portland. By the Friday afternoon hearing, 11 people associated with the standoff at the Malheur national wildlife refuge in rural Harney County had been arrested and charged with federal felony offenses – and only four holdouts remained at the occupation of federal buildings.

In a packed courtroom hundreds of miles away from the wildlife refuge that rightwing protesters first seized on 2 January, prosecutors argued that the militia protesters were “flight risks” given their well-documented criminal activities and anti-government statements over the past month.

The hearing came days after police stopped Bundy and several others on a remote highway outside of the town of Burns, arresting five people and fatally shooting protest spokesman LaVoy Finicum. Six more people were subsequently arrested, including three who left the refuge voluntarily and turned themselves in to FBI officials at nearby checkpoints.

The suspects are all accused of impeding federal officers from discharging official duties through the use of force, intimidation or threats – facing a maximum sentence of six years in prison. Ten of them – including Bundy and his brother, Ryan – appeared for a detention hearing to determine whether they would be released on bail.

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/29/oregon-militia-standoff-ammon-bundy-jail-bail-malheur-national-wildlife-refuge

[font size="8"]Racially Sensitive Marketing Fails[/font]


Black History Month. That month that makes white supremacists everywhere say “how come there's no white history month?”. And if you have to ask that out loud, the answer to that question is, “yes, you're a racist”. But for this white Southern California male, one of my favorite flicks last year was the N.W.A. Biopic “Straight Outta Compton”. And you know what? It was a damn good movie, one that you can easily watch more than once, and a biopic that was actually about something other than the musicians kicking drugs and finding Jesus. It wasn't just about N.W.A., but about the cultural and social impacts N.W.A.'s music had that influenced the events of the period, notably the Los Angeles riots, and I grew up in that time frame so it was really interesting to see how everything unfolded. And how good was O'Shea Jackson Jr playing his dad, otherwise known as Ice Cube? Well in case you haven't been following the news, we're a week away from the Oscar Awards, and the Academy Of Motion Pictures has been getting some much deserved shit (don't worry, next week's edition will be devoted to tearing down the AMP) for not including perennial favorites Creed and Straight Outta Compton in the Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor categories. Well, the Oscars are not the only thing this year that are the victims of poor timing and poor taste. For exhibit A, we're going to Michigan where an ad agency is under fire for a planned “ghetto day”. Yes, this is a real thing here, folks.

Jim Palmer, CEO of Campbell Ewald, was terminated three days after the October 2015 email by an employee in the Detroit-based agency’s San Antonio office appeared in a news report, according to the holding company that owns the firm, Interpublic Group.

“Also please share with the teams that today is officially Ghetto Day in the SA, and we're inviting our Big D homeb-----s to cycle in and pop a freak with us,” the email read, according to Adweek. “Ghetto music, Malt 45s at lunch, and of course, drugs and prostitution are legal all day until close of business. Word, my cerebral gangsters.”

The employee who wrote the email also included an old picture of two African-American men posing on a trash-filled street in an unidentified urban area.

Use of the word “ghetto” has long provoked tension, most recently at the Golden Globes Awards earlier this month. The news of Palmer’s firing followed word from one of the company’s major clients that it would be taking its business elsewhere and outrage about the racially-charged email.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ad-agency-ceo-fired-office-ghetto-day-email-surfaces-article-1.2514142

Uh… Mr. Palmer, have you not seen the news lately? You know how much turmoil is being directed at the Academy Of Motion Pictures over the Oscar choices? And yet you choose to go through with this? This is just an epic fail on about every sense of the term. Have you not heard the term “Oscars So White”? Although I do want to say that working for a place that allows 40 ouncers at work would definitely make things a hell of a lot more interesting! Tall boy? In the words of Pam Poovey from Archer, “This here’s a 40, shorty!”

Next we’re going to Sacramento. The Sacramento Kings may not be the best team in the NBA, but they have one of the better forwards in the game with DeMarcus Cousins, who was on that awesome UK team that won the championship a couple of years ago. Well, after their latest promo SNAFU that was supposed to be promoting Chinese New Year, well, don’t be surprised if DeMarcus sits out a few games in protest.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) -- The Sacramento Kings canceled a Lunar New Year promotional giveaway after DeMarcus Cousins complained it was insensitive on the first day of Black History Month.
The Kings were set to give away T-shirts commemorating the Chinese Year of the Monkey, which starts on Feb. 8, at the team's game against the Milwaukee Bucks on Monday night. The shirts sported the image of a purple monkey.
But according to a Facebook post, Bucks analyst and former player Marques Johnson said Cousins was discussing the matter with Kings employees before fans arrived for the game. Johnson agreed that the T-shirts could be construed as offensive
http://sports.yahoo.com/news/kings-cancel-lunar-promo-cousins-complains-203949307--nba.html

Did the Kings not consult their players before going ahead and printing the t-shirts? They probably should if they’re going to print t-shirts with a racist symbol on them.



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]Bern Your Enthusiasm[/font]

How many people have been enjoying Larry David's impersonation of Bernie Sanders on Saturday Night Live this year? I know I have and I'm a huge Bernie supporter. But they definitely took it to some new heights with this mashup of the Bernie Sanders campaign and one of my favorite shows – Curb Your Enthusiasm. This is one of the best things that SNL has done in quite some time. Enjoy!

See you next week!