When I do recall them, they’re often like the dream you describe. They’re about guilt. In them, I am beating myself up for something I DIDN’T DO. I have to wake myself fully and remind myself that I didn’t actually do what I had just dreamed and that there’s no way on Earth I would ever have done such a thing.
And it’s often just a minor thing. Borrowing somebody’s computer to send an email is NO BIG DEAL, right? Nobody really got hurt, but you still felt enormous guilt about having invaded someone’s personal space (and you need to remember that you didn’t actually do that). You just dreamt that you did. You’re beating yourself up for NOTHING that you actually did. The dream pattern you describe is very familiar to me.
My guess is that one or both of your parents and one or more of your siblings suffers from a Cluster B personality disorder. You have been punished for things you didn’t actually do all your life. You were the family scapegoat. When anything went wrong, you got the blame. You still blame yourself for things that are not your fault. You are subconsciously working through a lifetime of injustice.
Just wake up and remember. You didn’t do what you dreamed. You are innocent of MOST of the crimes people have accused you of committing. The ones you actually did commit, you have apologized for and have tried to make amends. You do not have to be perfect. Nobody is. You have had one or more “perfect people” (only in their own minds) criticizing you all your life, and that is an enormous weight to bear. You are simply working through that lifelong (and possibly continuing) trauma.
-Laelth
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