For me when I first found out about it, it sounded very different than the way the world worked.
AND it's baby steps. First I had to adjust my thinking to accept that ASSERTIVE is about taking care of me without being a victim or a bitch. About finding that middle ground that actually gets less resistance.
#2 - Society being set up to exploit and abuse is an over simplification. It is black and white thinking. All or nothing.
There is a whole range of colors and shades in between. Those who want to control want us to feel powerless by painting it that way. BUT WE DON'T have to accept THEIR VISION as the ONLY TRUTH. We each have our own truth.
People who survived in concentration camps and prisoners of war found a way to at least have a space in their own mind that was theirs and where they could have personal control to keep their sanity in an insane situation. So the fact that you see the world as it is and adapt yourself to it, means you are taking personal power over your thoughts and choices. Don't accept you only do it because you have no choice. You may have only rotten choices, but what is available isn't where your power is. CHOOSING how to respond to it, IS.
#2 is focused on your interactions with individuals, not making changes in all of society. The way we lock our cars and doors and use passwords is US NOT COOPERATING in our abuse by passively allowing it to happen. In an assertive manner we take control of our safety and rights by remembering to put ourselves into that consideration.
When I drive I am very observant of traffic and one particular route home from work is like a fricken drivers test every time. I have pedestrians walking in middle of street, cars going around buses in front of me without signaling and I just make sure to leave enough space so their stupid doesn't get me involved. I only go through yellow turning red if I have an idiot behind me that I know won't stop if I do.
#3 - holding my ground when pressured... My son is drinking the MAGA koolaid and when he was trying to talk to me about politics it never went well. So I put down my foot and said, "No more political discussions. We aren't going to change each other's minds and it's wrecking our relationship, so no more." He grudgingly complied, but we've had conversations about other things and kept our relationship from going up in flames.
I use the "broken record" with my son because he may not respect my boundaries the first time I ask. I stopped the car one time and told him he could walk home if he wanted to mention MTG in my car. (He's 40 so it wasn't any danger to him, just an inconvience.) I gave him the choice. He shut up. He didn't like it. But he shut up.
The next time he tried to do the political conversation in a car, he was driving. I told him to let me out. He pulled over but talked me back into the car. That is when I finally said, "We can not have these conversations without it getting like this, so it has to stop."
Being assertive is stating what you will and will not accept in a calm, respectful manner and people tend to respond better to it.
I'm still reading Verbal Judo - The Art of Gentle Persuasion. I am finding it helpful.
https://thepowermoves.com/verbal-judo/
The 5 Steps of Verbal Judo
Ask (ethical appeal)
Set context (reasonable appeal: explain policies and rules)
Present options (reasonable appeal: what's in it for them and what if they don't)
Confirm (practical appeal: “can I do or say anything to make you cooperate”)
Act.
#5 - We are RESPONSIBLE FOR Ourselves and TO Others. We CHOOSE to make ourselves accountable to help others, but BECAUSE WE CHOOSE, we own it and are responsible to keep our word to do what we agree to do. IT IS A CHOICE to be there for someone. That makes US people of our word.
BUT We can't think for someone else, change their minds or actions. THOSE behaviors are up to them. #5 is about giving up the idea that we can MAKE any other adult do what we think is right for them or the world. THAT IS THEIR CHOICE.
SEE THE DIAGRAM below, I found it helpful.
#8 - The diagram also helps with that, BUT WE ARE NOT REQUIRED TO KNOW what someone else's boundaries are, only to respect them when someone asks if they are unique.
Obviously telling someone what to think, what goals to set, where their energy SHOULD go without being asked is stepping into their personal decision making zone. And we can offer experience, strength and hope, but if someone chooses not to accept it, we need to respect their choice and let life help them find another answer that works for them or gives them time to see if it might work.
When someone wants to excuse their behavior that has violated my boundaries or attack me for having boundaries, I tell them,
"I respect you and.....either like or love you" (depending on what level the relationship has evolved to) BUT I DO NOT LIKE THIS BEHAVIOR. Keep it about the behavior.
My favorite example is this: I DO NOT LIKE ANYONE PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE. It has nothing to do with who you are, the behavior is something I don't want in my life. SO if you can not refrain from that behavior, it may become a choice of having you in my life or not having you in my life. Might only be taking a break while they think about it. "I can't talk to you right now. Let's see where we are at next week. Peace."
#10 - There are times you need to FIND others that agree with you, but there is no way that YOU can FORCE anyone to agree with you if they don't cooperate. Expand your support network so it's possible that if one person says "No" you can say, "That really disappoints me, but I hear you." Then move on to another person who is willing to be there for you.
AND you HAVE expanded your support network, you have DU.
YOU deserve to be the best, happiest YOU that you can be whether you have 10 days, 10 years or 50 left to live.
My strongest affirmation is, I AM ME. No apologies. (Now I may apologize for behaviors when I make mistakes, but not for being WHO I AM.) Others opinions of me are none of my business. Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one.
The focus of the chart below helps put your energy where it works, being you.
Trying to get into those spaces outside yourself that you can't control is like trying to drive someone else's car while you are in your own. YOUR CONTROLS work for you, not on someone else's ride. You can talk to them about the tools, but ultimately, they have to put their own hands on the controls and take themselves where they want to go.
I have been suicidal too. Recently in fact. I have a couple of reasons I am still alive.
#1 I am a great procrastinator.
Suicide is a final solution to life's temporary problems. If I can just put it off, the urge will pass.
AND it makes me feel less horrible about my defect of character, since it has one good useful outlet.
#2 I hold myself accountable to tell someone who cares that I am feeling that way.
Once it isn't a secret, it has less power to control me.
Not sure why that works, except that feeling alone and unloved doesn't make living much fun.
So you already did the second part.
Just remember, people who survive trying to kill themselves almost always regret the attempt.
Think of how much that would suck.
Maybe that is the REAL reason I don't do it.
I am very judgemental of myself. If I FAILED at suicide, I mean, sigh.
BEING STRONG ENOUGH NOT TO, THOUGH, that is KICK ASS.
SO every day I am a live is a reason to give just a little joy back to the world.
FIND SOMETHING beautiful or inspiring to hold your attention for awhile.
There is a reason so many posts here on DU try to be funny or uplifting.
We all need a break sometimes.
Hope that helps.
Hugs, Tigress.
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