My Thanksgiving at my trailer trash red state repuke moralist bro-in-laws [View All]

[SF Bay Area Dem]

I happened to spend the Thanksgiving week in Las Vegas. The first half of the week was at the swanky hotel Venetian; the second half was at my conservative trailer trash faux news loving brother in laws place. This guy “T” is stationed in Vegas at Nellis AFB as some kind of “ATM fixer” (his words). Anyway, this guy is one of those hardcore * loving, Timothy McVeigh types who also likes Jerry Falwell on Sunday mornings. The problem with this clown is he is a total degenerate and likes to brag about the one terabyte plus of porn he has stored on his computer (a terabyte is 1,000 gigabytes).

The last time I was at his place (he lives off base) he said my words “were fighting words” after I criticized * the run-up to the invasion of Iraq. I cheerfully told him that if he wanted to take me out in the parking lot and make me “take it back” he was welcome… hell I even told him he could bring his little boyfriend along Jim, who is another USAF “ATM fixer”… they declined and my wife was thoroughly pissed that I riled up her brother the way I did. Anyway, during the conversation Jim told me that I was a suicidal maniac for questioning the upcoming invasion and that I was also a coward for not “supporting the troops”. I should have beat the snot out of the little motherfucker then and there but I controlled my temper and simply informed him that it was real easy sitting stateside in the rear with the gear and ripping off the government in some cushy billet (these guys do absolutely nothing and should be paying the taxpayers back thousands of dollars for their laziness) and that since he is such a tough guy he should transfer to the Army or Marines and stand post in some fighting hole in the middle of the desert. He did not like this. Anyway the little puke did not realize my credentials which were eight years in the USMC (Capt), Operation Just Cause, and Desert Storm, plus eight years as a civilian firefighter/ arson investigator for a major department. I am no coward.

The latest trip was no exception. Ten minutes after arriving T started in on me about the election and how * is such a great leader. I then asked him why there was such a disparity between the voting machines and the traditional voting methods and why did all of the errors (fraud) seem to be in * favor? I told him to enjoy his alleged victory while he can as the pendulum always swings the other way. I also said that since the trailer trash moralists in the red states are obviously to stupid to see what is going on they can have *. They broke it they bought it. For the next hour we went back and forth over his statement that the red states are better than blues in every social category. I happened to have my laptop and showed him a spreadsheet that I had been working on that showed clearly that crime rates, divorce rates, teen pregnancy rates, SAT/ACT scores, IQ’s, incomes, education, wealth etc… clearly and convincingly favored the blues. I then asked him why the stock markets, financial markets, banking, technology, telecom, major shipping ports, insurance industry, aerospace, entertainment, etc… are all based in the blue states? His mouth dropped open (the moron), he knew I was right. I then pointed out that the blues states pay more in taxes than we get back and are the major underwriters of the current fiasco in Iraq with our hard earned tax dollars and more importantly our kids blood is being spilled at much greater rates than the red states. He finally backed off and we called a truce.

On the day of Thanksgiving T could not control himself and started in on women and called NOW the “Nazi Organization of Women”, I asked him why? He mumbled some ditto-head answer. I then told him that “it” is called a vagina and it won’t bite him and not to be afraid. I followed up the question asking him why corrupt conservatives are so afraid of successful woman. He then brought up a bunch of loony conservative pundits like Coulter to try and show the inclusiveness of the Republican Party. After I stopped laughing he looked dejected and I actually felt sorry for the asshole for a quick minute. Now keep in mind this dude is 31 years old, never has had a girlfriend that I have seen, and looks a little bit like the goofy/scary Neil Cavuto on Faux News (except with shorter hair and no glasses). He asked if I would set him up with a very attractive, classy and smart blond that I know (trust me she is a looker with no boyfriend). For a 31 year old woman she can put the younger gals to shame in a bikini; the stereotypical California hard-body (except with a MBA). I replied that she is just to much woman for him to handle and besides she does not date conservative Repukes like him and would kill him within the first week (she is a bay area democrat). This really made him mad and he told me to get out of his house as he does not allow unpatriotic democrats like me there in the first place! I asked him if this was the part where he was going to take me outside again for calling * an asshole? He continued screaming. I then asked him where his boyfriend Jim was. Guess what? Jim got his ass shipped out to Iraq and is huddled in the green zone! My wife told me later on that her brother did not want me to know this as Jim is shitting his pants everyday and is not cut out for that type of situation. I did not laugh at this as I want everyone to come home safe (including miserable conservative pricks like Jim).

My mission is to educate and irritate corrupt conservative Republicans and I sure did it last week. My pathetic brother in-law is still not talking to me (the bastard!). Thanks for letting me rant.

*** Does anyone else have any interesting Thanksgiving stories with their conservative relatives?