Reply #121: "how to tell if you're a drunk"....306 benchmarks? [View All]

[ElsewheresDaughter]

How to tell if you are a Drunk
1. you never have a hangover (because your always tanked)
2. empty beer bottles serve as home decorations
3. you always piss clear
4. tequila worms fear your name
5. you're on the liquor stores mailing list
6. the only time you read newspapers is to find the cheapest beer in town
7. find its easier to study drunk
8. you have a top 10 beer list
9. the only goal you have is to drink a 6-pack everyday
10. you start to prefer puking up one beer over another
11. you have a notch on your belt for every keggar you've been to
12. you're on your fifth liver transplant operation
13. Saint Patrick's day comes around and everybody already knows you're Irish
14. all girls look hot at the party
15. you're on a first name basis at the detoxification center
16. empty kegs serve as a pretty cool television stand
17. you think drinking light beer is like making love to a woman in a canoe....just too damn close to water
18. you think somethings wrong because the room stopped spinning
19. you write a top 20 drunken bastard list from your own experiences
20. you take communion and go back for seconds
21. you have to hold on to the grass to keep you from falling off the earth.
22. You spend Wednesday night sending ridiculous messages to people on the Internet ending with, "By the way, what are you drinking?"
23. in the morning your hair hurts and you think that someone has painted a base coat of fuzz on your tongue.
24. Somebody has painted a base coat of fuzz on your tongue.
25. you frequently urinate outdoors.
26. The only reason that you cuddle up to the Mrs. is to cop her Bud Light.
27. beer ads make sense.
28. You are so dehydrated from drinking that your genitals are shrunken
into your body and you can't see them.
29. When you are reading the beer page while you are in school
30. You get the "Frequent Rider Discount" on the Porcelain Bus.
31. You vist this site every night because you were too shit faced the night before to remember!
32. you go to brush something from your shoulder and it turns out to be the floor!
33. You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet, and you are so dry that it sounds mighty thrist quenching.
34. Your sporting heroes are George Best, Alex Higgins, and Jimmy Greaves.
35. wake you the next moring and drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.
36. when you apologize to the nice lady in the restroom, only to find
37. You know you're a drunken bastard when,for the first 5 minutes of your shower, no water hits the tub, because it is absorbing into your dehydrated skin
38. you have to send your old lady to the beer store that's 40 minutes away, on a Sunday, because you were too STUPID to buy enough beer for the week-end!
39. You can belch the alphabet forwards and backwards, then follow it with a stirring rendition of the National Anthem.
40. ... after a night out, you often have more furniture than you did the day before.
41. You get the operator to give you an early morning wake up call to make
42. When none of the women in the bar look ugly at last call.
43. The space on your drivers license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
44. You get the 2 at 10p.m. and the 10 at 2a.m. syndrom every time you go to the bar.
45. You find yourself saying " Honesly occifer I only hads tree bears tonight!" and your snickering at his funny hat.
46. You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
47. While your laying upside down on the steps you've just fallin down you decide to do your impression of a water cooler!
48. ...your "Missing" photo appears on a bottle of scotch instead of a milk carton.
49. ...the number one characteristic of your dream girl is that she owns a liquor store.
50. ...your Family Tree is firmly planted in the front lawn of the Betty Ford Clinic.
51. ...you need to take witnesses with you to confession because you can't exactly remember what you did and the priest wouldn't believe you anyway.
52. the only workout you get, is the trip to the fridge, then the trip to the john..
53. you tell your mom to stay out of your room 'cuz she'll drink it on me
54. you finally return all those beer bottles and you leave the liqour store two thousand dollars richer.
55. there is photographic evidence that you didn't know about
56. metho begins to taste like Vodka
57. you find it challenging not to have toilet marathons
58. your mom asks who you went out with last night and you say Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.
59. You wake up, open your eyes and you both say "shit did I shag that?!"
60. you find yourself making a rum and coke at mcdonalds.
61. you kiss your girlfriends neck insearch of spilt beer.
62. you start to think that Popov tastes good.
63. you mix your coctails by the liter.
64. you think your a genius because you found a way to make a beer funel out of a used douche.
65. you grow a beard because it stops beer thats running down your chin.
66. you put off urinating in hopes of reaching that ear orgasmic zen like piss.
67. you watch amatures getting drunk with the glee of a redneck watching a cock fight.
68. the liqour store owner has your order ready and waiting before you even come in.
69. if beer companies gave frequent flyer miles you would own an airline.
70. your fiends call you at noon to ask if you want to go out drinking that night and you have to refuse because your already too tanked to drive.
71. you find yourself substituting irish cream for milk on your wheaties.
72. Your life savings is contained in an empty fosters can.
73. Your life savings are kept in a full fosters can.
74. "You know your're a drunken bastard when you wake up in the morning with rice up your nostrils, yellow-brown patches over your clothing, and a new set of ethnic salt & pepper pots"
75. you do not remember receiving a speeding ticket the night before until the next night you reach into your wallet for money and it finally dawns on you that you had a "very close call" the night before with the "occifer".
76. you reach into your wallet the next night at the bar and find a speeding ticket from the night before and it finally dawns on you that they had you sitting in the back seat of the squad car that does not have any inside door handles
77. you get so liquored up you pass out while admiring the stars... and fall from the third floor balcony.
78. You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half hour later you're afraid you won't.
79. every pub, beer store, and liquor store in town sends you a Christmas card.
80. the police name the drunk tank after you
81. you're on a first-name basis with every bartender in town
82. you have a private parking spot at the liquor/beer store
83. You fall asleep taken a dump.
84. When people start yelling "turn him over...he'll die like Jimi Hendrix"
85. the store you buy beer at holds your 2 cases a night at the front counter for you because they know you can't make it to the back of the store
86. when you walk into a frat party at Radford University and everyone stops what they're doing to yell your name.
87. you use the automatic teller 37 times so you can get some statements to use for toilet paper when you shit in the road
88. you puke your lungs as a palette cleanser
89. your kidneys hurt but you figure a few schooners should take care of it
90. you go to bed with Cindy Crawford but wake up with Ru Paul
91. Formula 1 teams call you offering big dollars for your urine
92. you find yourself reading, or especially, writing a homepage devoted to the subject.
93. you drag your balls over ten miles of broken glass just to sniff the tire tracks of the truck delivering the last beer to your county before it goes dry.
94. Breakfast becomes cold pizza and another stubby
95. you have actually read this entire list-and enjoyed it.
96. other people say "you are too drunk !!". And you say "No I'm not drunk at all!!".
97. when you are pouring some beer in your hand and your friend asks, "What are you doing?", and you say, "I'm giving my date a drink!".
98. you find that puking allows you to continue drinking for a couple more hours.
99. your patio furniture has the "Property of" label of every bar you've been to.
100. You wake up in the gutter, spit our several broken teeth, haul yourself to your feet, brush yourself off, and think "Shit, this is no way for a Bishop to behave..."
101. you tear the little plastic pouring spout out of your half gallon of booze because it's not coming out fast enough.
102. you need to shut one eye just to see double.
103. you read this entire list and wonder what all the fuss is about.
104. you send your liver out to get dry-cleaned regularly.
105. your organ donor recipient wakes up with a hangover.
106. it takes 6 weeks to put the fire out after your cremation.
107. you wake up vaguely remembering throwing up the night before and see your friend wondering why his shoes are filled with vomit and Sour Cream Bugles.
108. you take brewery tours more often than you visit your relatives
109. When apologizing, about the aquarium or the glass coffee table, to the host of every party that you crash, becomes an automatic habit.
110. The bouncer dosent ask for id, but says "You really like this place, dont you?"
111. You have to practically tackle the barmaid to change your order cause when she sees you getting up, she starts pouring.
112. Your counter lunch is twice the size of everyone elses.
113. When the girl with you topples from too much alcohol and the first thing you and her boyfriend do is check that the glasses you were smuggling out in her handbag are okay
114. When the same girl fell over, her shoes also fall off.......and you find nothing wrong with that.
115. anything anyone says immediately becomes a drinking euphemism to you.
116. you're muttering "oh please... oh PLEASE" as you frequent the alt.drunken.bastards home page in search of the next C.C. date.
117. You keep having "good" nights out with your mates but none of you can piece together what actually happened. A really good night is as above with the addition of unexplained multiple injuries.
118. you reason with people by saying "sure drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones"
119. When you stop drinking your faorite liquor/beer for a week and that company's stock drops %50 that same week.
120. Beer brewries come to you for advice.
121. You go home with a fine-looking, long-haired blonde and wake up next to the San Diego Chicken.
122. You have more traffic cones than the Department of Transportation.
123. You know more drinks than the bartender.
124. You piss on the grill instead of using lighter fluid.
125. You cut yourself to drink something stronger than a Long Island.
126. You're dumb enough to come home sober and you get attacked by your dog.
127. When you come home and spend ten frustrating minutes trying to change channels on the T.V., only to find you still have the garage door opener in your hand
128. -You find yourself saying,"This stuffz not to bad!" and look down at the bottle in your hand to see the words Zima
129. -You don't understand what the fuss about Virtual Reality is because all you need be in your own little world is a bottle of Wild Turkey
130. -too many unknown kids come up to you on the street and call you "daddy!"
131. -You ask your Boss if you can be paid in six-packs
132. when you rip up your clothes just to make bar buddie puppets.
133. when calling Ralph doesn't mean using the telephone.
134. when warshiping the porceline god includes communion in the bathroom.
135. You get a mysterious 'phone call at work asking for your home address. It turns out to be a bar you frequent holding it's 4th anniversary party and they want to know where to send the invite...
136. you buy pepto-bismol on a daily basis.
137. your only bragging right is the enormous number of keg push-ups you can do.
138. ...you explain to your bank manager that you speant your overdraft "mainly on beer and women; the rest I just wasted".
139. When you feel the need to wave to every passing beer truck...possibly even blowing them a little kiss as they pass on by...
140. Your friend strikes a match to light a cigarette and you think a low--yield nuke jus wnent off!
141. You ask the bartender when you're not cut off anymore
142. you're willing to drink a can of natural light ice.
143. your friends call you "the alcoholic" and you don't care.
144. you haven't driven your car in weeks cuz you weren't sober enough.
145. *your toilet has a customised chin rest and handles.
146. *you bite your tongue and it tastes like a pickle.
147. You go to the bar to get drunk, not to hit on the women.
148. ...you kick your girlfriend out of bed in order to sleep with your wastebasket.
149. ...the wastebasket isn't big enough and you sleep with an empty five gallon pail of fertilizer.
150. The liquor store gives you complimentary ice.
151. You quit smokin' pot to buy more King Cobra (or Special Brew in England)
152. an eye-opener in the morning changes from a cup of coffee to last night's bar tab receipt.
153. You talk to your friend for five minutes after the taxi leaves, and he thinks you are still in the taxi.
154. You find yourself telling the bouncer "But I walk this way normally!"
155. You host a party and pass out several hours before the end.
156. When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
157. I'm hungry so I think I'd better get a drink instead
158. You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.
159. You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
160. You find yourself licking the spilled whiskey over the pavement of main street after some other drunken bastard dropped and broke the bottle.
161. ... you have a list of reasons why a beer is better than woman.
162. ...you find you and your friends making frequent trips to the nearest interstate overpass to see who can piss on the most vehicles.
163. ...you find a true "drinking buddy" is one who will buy the beer and drink socially while you proceed to get sloshed.
164. ...you rate women by the number of beers needed to make you want to get on her.
165. ...you make a complex game out of throwing empty bottles at signs.
166. ...you find it funny that your puke is neon colored.
167. ...you gag yourself to throw up then are able to lick off the puke left on your finger.
168. ..you regularly wake to the greeting "Guess what YOU did last night!"
169. ..you go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
170. Your morning breath keeps the house free of bugs
171. The pub goes broke cos you've left town.
172. The pub is named in honour of you.
173. You start pissing in the empty stubbies cos you're too pissed to walk.
174. A network does a scientific doumentary on you to determine the prolonged effects of alcohol, and pronounce you as scientifically dead.
175. You begin feeding the kids on Black Jim Beam because it's piss weak.
176. you shit ashes and piss yellow dust.
177. you wonder why you have a bag of books on the floor and wonder how you got in this strange hotel, and why no one comes to clean it.
178. ... the only reason you have a job is to pay your bar tab.
179. ... you know for a fact that your tab alone paid the bar's rent for the month.
180. ... Guinness Extra Stout tastes like Coor's Light.
181. ... you miss reading My web page, but you had to pawn your computer for beer money.
182. ... your favorite bar serves 132 varieties of beer, and you've tried them all, this week
. 183. ... your ideal woman is the one that can outdrink you.
184. You ask for a beer at the bar, and the give you a Tuborg Gold (a strong beer).
185. You are a Dane!!
186. You think it's a bad night because you didn't puke.
187. You think it was a bad night because you can remember where you where.
188. You never drink and drive cause you might spill some.
189. You wake up the night after a party to put your clothes on and there aren't any.
190. you think South Australian beer actually tastes good.
191. the bottle shop closes down because you've moved town.
192. Life is good. I am drunk. This is all I ask.
193. When you put alka seltzer in your drink to cure your hangover.
194. Or, if you have ever given your mother a case of beer for Mother's day.
195. Or, if you only look for apartments that are close to your favorite bars...
196. You have deep intellectual conversations of the brillance of Olde English 40's
197. You think of beer during masturbation.
198. you have that dream where you're drinking in your sleep and you cant sleep because your drinking in your sleep and you wake up, and your drinking.
199. I DON'T GET DRUNK ANYMORE, I JUST SOBER UP 1 OR 2 AFTERNOON A MONTH
200. you don't want to have sex with your girlfriend because it cuts into your drinking time.
201. you look at the many bottles on your table and say "I couldn't have drank those all by myself", then go get another beer..
202. you start drinking scope instead of rumplemintz
203. You go and talk to a girl, make a total idiot of yourself in the sure hope you wont have to face the consequenses. The next morning you realise you went to school with her. Later that week you realise she recognized you.......
204. - upon entering your neighborhood pub, the bartender calls a cab to be delivered at closing time.
205. - when friends try to convice you that drinking a 26 of vodka straight from the bottle might be a bad idea, you reply, "oh don't worry, it NEVER hits me!"
206. - you realize it's called 151 in regards to how many days it will take you to recouperate.
207. - the pub you frequent is conveniently located in the lobby of a hotel, and every night someone is paid to wait to escort you safely to your room.
208. - you are always the last person up and drinking at the party.
209. - a common phrase is, "good thing we bought more beer for after the bar!"
210. - a dreaded phrase is, "damn, we should have got more beer for after the bar!"
211. - you know exactly how much everything at the liquor store costs, before and after taxes.
212. - you plan your social events for the week around drink specials at bars.
213. - you can relate to most of these!!!
214. When you use Cuervo™ as a sex lube.
215. ... your natural instinct is to go to the fire escape to piss instead of the john.
216. ... when you spend the next day passed out on the bathroom floor, rolled up in a Union Jack, with your head aimed at the toilet.
217. ... when doing a keg stand you can finish the keg in one attempt.
218. you feel like you have to stop drinking or die, so you go to bed sober for the first time in months, and wake up feeling so healthy and refreshed you end up drinking twice your normal amount.
219. ...The color of your urine after a long night of drinking strongly resembles that of radiator coolant...
220. ...You grab your slingshot and go out on the prowl for the cat you're convinced shit in your mouth while you were sleeping...
221. ...you tell a concerned nurse at a party "Oh, it's OK, I pass out in the recovery position". Then she comes up to you the next morning and says "You were right, I checked"
222. When you go to church just for the Holy Wine
223. ....you put your cat to bed and throw out your wife.
224. ....when the brewery lowers its flag to half mast the day of your funeral.
225. ....the drunk tank has a plaque with your name on it.
226. .... "last call" instead of taps is played at your funeral.
227. ...."last call" was the one you made before they locked the cell door.
228. You say to the traffic police occifer "Honestly Drinkstable, I havn't had a Cunt all night!"
229. You know your a DB when you realize that Pepsi/Coke tastes terrible without Jack Danials.
230. you find that the tonly reason for buying a pickup truck instead of a car deals withthe fact that pickups can haul more kegs.
231. the Budweiser Frogs are petitioning to have you become their fourth member.
232.your only excuse for not killing yourself is that there is still beer left in the world to drink.
233. your definition of a high-speed accident involves drooling while doing a funnel or keg-stand
234. you avoid elevatoors because the motion might make you puke.
235. drinking and driving laws are specifically aimed at getting you arrested, prosecuted, and executed.
236. you think the death penalty wouldn't be so bad if the condemned party got to drink a forty before he/she died.
237. you find yourself putting a coaster on the small of your partner's back.
238. When you are so drunk you do a street show in New Orleans and actually get paid!
239. There are thirsty people in Ethiopia and you want a COKE!!!!
240. You automatically fall asleep lying on your side with your mouth over the edge of the bed.
241. Your payment for babysitting is a half bottle of vodka, a bottle of pepsi and a spliff.
242. You and your friends have long involved conversations about how none of you are really alcoholics - while sitting in the pub.
243. You wake up not knowing how you got home from the bar.
244. You can't figure out where you left your car last night.
245. You wake up with a ringing in your ears, from you so-called friends lighting off M-80s under you bed in a futile attempt to wake you up for a beer run.
246. When you spend twenty minutes trying unsuccessfully to start your car, only to realize its not your car you're sitting in.
247.When you wake up next to the most beautiful women you ever seen, and can't remember her name, what you did together, and most importantly how you got her to your place in the first place.
248.When you wake up so drunk, that you fall down in the shower, and consequently have to call in sick.
249. When you sick days are know as the beer flu to you co-workers.
250. When a women is hinting at a party that she wants you to go out to her car with her, and your so drunk you won't go, because you think What she can't find it herself?
251. When you're in college and go home to visit your drinkin' buddies, wake up after the visit and don't ever remember leaving the campus!! (true story)
252. youve passed out so many times you are now president of the magical world youve created for yourself in there
253. WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO TAKE A PISS AND THE NEXT MORNING YOU AWAKE TO FIND YOURSELF IN BED WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND'S PARENTS.
254. WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO TAKE A PISS AND THE NEXT MORNING YOU REALIZE YOU NEVER LEFT YOUR BED.
255. YOUR DOG IS LICKING YOUR FACE AS YOU LAY ON THE FLOOR OF YOUR LIVING ROOM AND SUDDENLY YOU REMEMBER, 'I DON'T HAVE A DOG!'
256. IT WASN'T A DOG, IT IS SOME UGLY GUY, AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HE GOT IN YOUR LIVING ROOM
257. you know that you're a drunken bastard when you name your kid samuel adams.
258. You're boss calls the local bar and asks the bartender if you'll make it in to work the next day.
259. when THC stands for "the Total Hang over Cure"
260. You try to pick up women ten years older with the line "Are you seriously thirty?"
261. You do something to a bouncer, he turns around ready to smack someones head in, sees it's you and just sorta laughs and walks off shaking his head.
262. You try to pick up women here (brown hair, hazel eyes, seeks loving female to share a six pack.) 264. You look around the night club and realise you are the only non-staff there.
265. You suddenly blurt out in the middle of conversation (with females present) "Hey, do you think she's wearing underwear?"
266. You wake up and spend an hour trying to work out what you want to do: either Piss, Fart, Crap or vomit? Then you realise you have to go tO the same room, reguardless of what you want to do.
267. the energy you have only enables you to get to the cooler and nothing else.
268. A vampire get buzzed after sucking your blood.
269. your at a party and end up with one of your shoes and one of someone elses.
270. you believe that people die driving drunk because the don't practice driving drunk
271. it takes you an hour to walk a 1/4 of a mile
272. you have to check the stamps on your hand to remeber which bars you went to
273. you get drunk and fall off a cliff in to the ocean (UC-Santa Barbra)
274. you keep a list of different beers you've had
275. You fall out of bed and don't get up because there isn't any beer left
276. You have two bathtubs, one for bathing and one you use as a distillery.
277. It's finals week and you can't take your tests because you've been drunk so long you've forgotten what classes you're in.
278. You're so drunk you can't finish...
279. you leave a keg on your front porch so you will never run out of beer!!
280. You're reading this list while preparing for a big meeting at work, but it takes a long time to get through it because you have to keep going to the bathroom to puke...
281. You are drunk ,sitting in class and you find this SHIT so funny you disturb the class
282. when you say that THUNDERBIRD taste good(THUNDERBIRD is nasty as hell!!!!!
283. your wife wakes you up and tells you to close your mouth the bedroom smells like a brewrey.
284. the bottle shop guy kisses the ground you walk on.
285. 911 sounds more like the number of stubbies you drank last night
286. you're that hungry that you find a heap of licorice pizzas to eat,
only to find in the morning that you've eaten you're record collection
287. ...You take the ferry from Dover to Calais just to buy duty-free liquor.
288. When you start an A.A. group called Alamore...for the Alcoholic who wants to drink more. It's a 10 year program with two 15 year follow ups!
289. Your'r on a first name basis with every traffic cop in you state and the
290. When you wake up in the morning in seacrh of the cat that shitted in you mouth.
291. When you are convinced that beer is the perfect subsitute bread.
292. When you can distingush brands of beer just by the smell.
293. When you would rather piss yourself than give up your barstool.
294. when all your buddies have gone out to get drunk and you didn't feel like it so you go and buy a 12 pack of beer and a 26'er of vodka to stay home and relax.
295. you fall asleep with a beer in your, not spill a drop, and wake up the next morning and drink it.
296. you whistle your favourite march melody in the morning, expecting those little dwarfs to march out of your mouth and take along their hammers.
297. You read 250 of these things just to convince yourself that everybody drinks alot and that you're not an alcoholic.
298. You puke in your mouth and swallow it while hitting on a girl, and pretend like nothing happened!
299. You have to report your car stolen, because you forget where you left it.
300. You report your car stolen and then find it in your driveway!
301. When you have to get all your friends together from the night before in order to put together all the bits and pieces of everyone's memory.
302. You know once you all get together, YOU'LL be getting together again tomorrow!
303. when you are driving home from cowboys and your friends says "can you see the road" and you say "yes" and she says "good, because i can't" and she is driving off the road and we are heading towards the ditch.
304. you makeout with your best friend and don't remember it.
305. You wake up at noon and your idea of lunch is another "sandwich in a can"
306. ...you stop brushing your teeth in the morning because the toothpaste clashes with the taste of your beer.