Reply #20: It's not your fault and there *are* people who can help... [View All]

[IndyOp]

I am not a parent. I do care very much about children and I have fought my own self-hatred about weight for most of my life. Maybe it will turn out that your daughter does not have the full-blown disorder, but just some symptoms that can be treated relatively easily.

I teach college-aged students and hear constantly from them about the pressures they experience about weight. Your 10-year-old is SURROUNDED by children, by books, by magazines, by TV shows that all emphasize that if you are not feeling loved it is probably because of your looks -- you are too fat or too plain or too brown-haired. The first complements many little girls hear is about 'how pretty' they look in this dress or with that hair style. And many of us spend the rest of our lives trying to reach some unattainable ideal of 'beauty'. While you can't easily change your eye-color or 'looks' you can try to be perfect with weight.

The youngest anorexic I have ever seen was 8-years-old and skinny. Her mother caught her one night around 2:00 a.m. running in place and jogging. During the school day she would tear pieces of paper from the corners of her notebook and eat the paper -- she explained that this way she could eat to be full but not take in any calories. She said that she began to believe that she was fat when she saw baby pictures of herself and saw that she had had a double-chin when she was 9-months-old. Again: this little girl was skinny at 8 years of age. Her therapist worked with her to figure out what she dreamed of doing. She revealed that she would *love* to ride horses. Her therapist and her mother let her spend time with horses, but emphasized that she had to have a healthy body before she could ride regularly or show horses. They created a 'healthy diet plan' and made 'healthy weight goals' and as the girl began meeting the goals she got to spend more and more time with the horses. Her self-esteem was then fed by her success with the horses and she could let go of the idea that loosing weight would gain her acceptance and love.

I know a dear counselor who has great success with anorexics. He emphasizes that they are perfectionists and that he *loves* working with them because he can help turn their focus from trying to be perfect at restricting their food intake to being really good in other ways - academically, socially, musically, spiritually.

Your daughter is obviously intellectually and spiritually gifted - she's a pacifist at age 10! You will be able to help her through this. I am really grateful to learn that her teacher was so attentive.

I would suggest that you talk with your pediatrician and ask for references to therapists who specialize in working with people with eating disorders (hopefully someone who has experience with young patients). The therapist may want to have some private sessions with your daughter. At some point the therapist may ask your entire family to be involved in sessions -- it really helps when family members are willing to do this. Families who work through this often become stronger as individuals and as a unit.

An angel for your daughter - O8)

An angel for you - O8)