NYT: It’s Official: To Be Married Means to Be Outnumbered

[DeepModem Mom]

It’s Official: To Be Married Means to Be Outnumbered
By SAM ROBERTS
Published: October 15, 2006

Married couples, whose numbers have been declining for decades as a proportion of American households, have finally slipped into a minority, according to an analysis of new census figures by The New York Times.

The American Community Survey, released recently by the Census Bureau, found that 49.7 percent, or 55.2 million, of the nation’s 111.1 million households in 2005 were made up of married couples — with and without children — just shy of a majority and down from more than 52 percent five years earlier.

The numbers by no means suggest marriage is dead or necessarily that a tipping point has been reached. The total number of married couples is higher than ever, and most Americans eventually marry. But marriage has been facing more competition. A growing number of adults are spending more of their lives single or living unmarried with partners, and the potential social and economic implications are profound.

“It just changes the social weight of marriage in the economy, in the work force, in sales of homes and rentals, and who manufacturers advertise to,” said Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group. “It certainly challenges the way we set up our work policies.”

While the number of single young adults and elderly widows are both growing, Professor Coontz said, “we have an anachronistic view as to what extent you can use marriage to organize the distribution and redistribution of benefits.”...

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/15/us/15census.html?hp&ex=1160884800&en=48d4d829974274d5&ei=5094&partner=homepage

[AnneD]

1. I think it will make a come back

1)The high fuel costs mean we cut down on heating in winter. Hubby says he isn't worried-I'm his personal electric blanket.
2)One apartment is cheaper than two.
3)Think of the money you save by not having to date.
4)Who needs a gym membership, we work out regularly at home ;)

All in all we save a tiddy sum by being married.

[DeepModem Mom]

2. Lovely post, AnneD -- best to you and Hubby! nt

[Skittles]

5. I don't care how much it costs

I will always prefer to live alone

[AnneD]

40. We have that too

I work days, he works nights generally (when he is not touring-he's a musician). I am off for large chunks of time working in Public Education so we don't get under each others skin so to speak. Took me a while to find this gem but we mesh rather well.

[enki23]

6. what the hell does that have to do with marriage?

we have all the same benefits, and no contract required.

[Occulus]

16. You don't deserve those benefits

Now consider why I might say that.

Here's a hint: You can be married.

[enki23]

32. i don't deserve the benefits of human companionship?

because we choose not to marry, we don't deserve to be with each other? i'm assuming, by the second bit, that you are referring to gay and lesbian couples not being able to be married. in response to that, i have to say i deeply wish they *could* be married, as it's completely wrong for civil government to sanction one, and only one form of relationship between consenting adults. further, i wish there were no special rights afforded to someone simply because they signed a state contract stipulating who they have government sanction to fuck for a while.

that said, anyone who thinks they have the right to tell me what i do, and do not deserve when it comes to human companionship can take that opinion cram it so far up their GI tract they choke on it. that someone *can't* marry is a piss poor reason to berate another for choosing not to.

[Occulus]

39. No, financial and legal.

You deserve exactly zero financial and legal benefits of marriage because I can't get married, period. I very hotly resent handing you one spit of my tax dollars for any sort of tax break, financial incentive, or any other such thing. I'm done being nice about this issue; I have to tolerate seeing you and yours practically committing public sex acts even when I go out to eat at a restaurant, yet I can't even feel safe holding hands with someone I care about without fear of getting beaten up or even killed.

Human companionship is no part of this, however. I'm speaking strictly of the financial and legal benefits. But I am done being nice.

If I don't qualify for those things, neither should you.

[AnneD]

41. True...

I have had roommates, cohabited, even was a single Mom, etc....and this is just the best way. We have some legal protection and benefits that we wouldn't otherwise have. I waited very late in life to marry-I was the original runaway bride. Absolutely did not want to walk down the aisle. I realized-it wasn't me. I was just trying to walk with the wrong person.
My experiences have lead me to be sympathetic to gay marriage rights. It's just 'different' when you are married.

[llmart]

11. Marriage because of financial reasons????

This harkens back to the '50's for women. Better you should try to support yourself than to marry someone because it's cheaper.

[Lurking Dem]

14. Bassakwards

Marriage SHOULD be nothing more than a business decision.

My husband and I could have lived quite happily in sin for all eternity without batting an eye. We loved each other - didn't need a piece of paper to prove that to ourselves or anyone else.

But he needed a tax break and I needed medical insurance. Getting married was a sound business decision that was completely divorced (HA!) from our love for each other.

That is not to say that marriage should ONLY be a business decision. You can't stay married to someone you don't love and respect. But when people in love decide to marry, it should be based on sound reasoning, not "I want to show the world how much I love you!" crap.

[tavalon]

20. Yep

In my poly household, we call the piece of paper, "The Certificate of Insurability." My government deigns to tell me who I can and cannot marry so I will game the system with impunity. If they choose to recognize unusual unions, then I will relent.

So, based on Anne's argument, we save lots of money (and actually we do) because when all four of us pile into the King Size bed, it is a true hotbed and we all use the exercise machine and we save so much on childcare because there is always one parent around to take care of the kiddo and we don't need four houses, we have one.

[Lurking Dem]

21. Well done!

My hope is that "unusual unions" will become so much less so that the legal definition of "family" will be forced to change.

[NotGivingUp]

31. totally agree

[AnneD]

42. Excuse meeee

I happen to make much more than hubby and have almost finished raising a strong and amazing daughter by myself. That really is a cheap shot, especially since you know nothing about the person you are so harshly judging.

I am doing better than most financially because of my own hard work. Unlike many women my age, I have planed for a retirement and have worked hard at that goal. I will not need anything from my husband. I have made my own all my adult life. I was one of the first generation feminists. It took me a long time to find a man that wasn't frightened of or by intimidated by a strong woman.

Considering the financial shape that most folks find themselves in these days, I am surprised that more folks don't have some type of shared life. I cheer and pray for every couple that takes the plunge. Marriage has the potential to make you a better person, or scar you if you let it. Even with my slowness to walk down the aisle (at the age of 48, I am now 52)-I have many relatives that celebrate a 50th + anniversary. The key I guess is knowing yourself well enough to make a wise choice and then learning to accept, forgive, and grow a heart. And from some of the responses, I think I can see why the divorce rates are what they are.:hide:

[Demeter]

15. You Don't Know What's Out There, Anne

I'm 50, and my generation of women have lost potential partners to:

Vietnam and assorted other military idiocies,
smoking and related diseases: heart disease and cancer,
drugs and drink and mental illness (before, during and after Vietnam),
and the GOP narsissistic, pathological syndrome.

I've been single against my will 13 years now, have no prospects and less hope. My friend sat death watch so she could marry the widower. It's not likely to improve, either.

[MindPilot]

19. Not to start a big subthread here, but man, that's kinda morbid!

Your friend waited for a woman to die so she could grab the man she left?! I'm sorry, but that's just sick.

While I can certainly empathize with the pain of loneliness, I would suggest that your "involuntary" singlehood may be more a result of your attitude and the company you keep than a shortage of men.

[Demeter]

26. Women's Reality, Pal

While you sit on your male privilege, why don't you listen with your mouth shut for once?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

34. Indeed, the older you get, the worse the ratios are,

because more men die from wars, accidents, and murders, not to mention unhealthy lifestyles, such as smoking, heavy drinking, or never exercising.

That's a fact, not a morbid attitude.

Add to this the fact that most straight men over fifty are BORING (as in limited in their interests, non-verbal, and unwilling to step outside their comfort zone). If we were just looking for a meal ticket, then any old couch potato would do, but your average middle-aged woman is looking for someone who can be a real companion, out of bed as well as in. A lot of men don't get it. They're about thirty years behind the women in keeping up with societal trends, so they just want a housekeeper with benefits.

Trust me on this one. I've even had the husbands of women friends tell me that they think most straight men their age are boring and limited and that the gay men and women are more interesting to hang out with.

[RamboLiberal]

33. I'm a single femaile 50+ and while I sometimes worry

about being alone for the rest of my life - I also recognize I'm damn happy living my own life and not having to be limited by a partner. I can do what I want when I want, etc.

And sure as hell wouldn't sit a death watch to land a partner.

Now I'd love for politicos to recognize that there are a lot of singles out here and not kowtow everything to the mythical Ozzie and Harriet family.

[AnneD]

43. Demeter

I am 54, I didn't marry until I was 48. I was happily single until I married. I think that puts me in your generation. Although I will agree there is a derth of men in this age. My hubby is not from this country (which give him an edge in many ways). Expand your horizons, there really are many fish in the sea, even for us crusty survivors.

[ekelly]

27. You could save money

on each of the 4 items you listed without being married.

Except for: "Think of the money you save by not having to date" part, people who are just friends sharing a place (roommates) could save on all those things.

Saving money via cohabitation has nothing to do with marriage.



Edited: to say that this is supposed to be a response to Post #1

[Arugula Latte]

3. I actually think it's very good that more people delay marriage.

Why jump into something like that?

My now husband and I lived together for a couple years before we got married. My parents were concerned... Well, we've been together for 14 years. My sister did the traditional thing -- no living together. Her marriage broke up a few years ago.

You've got to know what you're getting into.

[badgerpup]

4. You make an excellent point there...

I'm 100% in agreement with you on that, knowing what you're getting into.
Love is all very well and good, but you need to know if you can stand the other person on a day in, day out basis.

My personal caveat:

Don't have the kids until AFTER you make the legal and emotional commitment.
You want to be sure it's going to work out before involving anyone else...makes for fewer complications.

[shrike]

13. Unfortunately, things do change after you're married

for some people. I know a couple on the verge of divorce -- they lived together four years before marrying. Most of the couples I know lived together before marrying: some are happy, some are not.
Hubby and I just celebrated 10 years. We didn't live together before we married. No big surprises, either, once we set up housekeeping, despite the fact we only knew each other a year.
Marriage is such a crapshoot. Ideas change, people change. Especially when they get together at a very young age. The most extreme example was the pair who married after five years of living together. Their marriage lasted months. She thought they'd continue to go on as they had before, he wanted to do serious things like save for a house. Mom and Dad didn't even have the wedding bills paid off before they split.

[lwcon]

7. Somebody needs to defend marriage

Obviously, our young people are distracted by the prospect of gay marriage.

If we bring back school prayer, invade more countries, and curtail more civil rights, God will give us the strength to resist the media's homoerotic agenda and save the U.S. and the world from the pending threat of de-population.

___

Hey, the liberal light is always on at the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy. Please stop by and say "hi!"

[Demeter]

17. You're Joking, Right?

[lwcon]

25. I just see the world the way Britney Spears does

http://atheism.about.com/b/a/023941.htm

___

Hey, the liberal light is always on at the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy. Please stop by and say "hi!"

[lwcon]

24. Deleted - responded to wrong item

[dipsydoodle]

8. The world's most expensive food

is said to be wedding cake. :)

[nolabels]

9. It is a stupid idea to blame marriage for the malfunction of society

It is a symptom and not the problem. Because a set of social contracts is in faltering stage doesn't necessary indicate the institution if failing. It could indicate the conditions are at fault. I see a concurrent trend here with the rise of the fascist state and the decline of marriage. Like duh, who would think marriage would be getting enhanced conditions under the dog eat dog world of a fascist state.

[Triana]

10. 'Scuze us perpetual singles for upsetting your status quo Ms. Coontz

...but for some of us, marriage ain't in the picture.

Live wit it! We do. And happily so, I might add! ;)

[rodeodance]

12. "close the book on the Ozzie and Harriet era "

....

“It’s partially fueled by women in the work force; they don’t necessarily have to marry to be economically secure,” said Andrew A. Beveridge, a demographer at Queens College of the City University of New York, who conducted the census analysis for The New York Times. “You used to get married to have sex. Now one of the major reasons to get married is to have children, and the attractiveness of having children has declined for many people because of the cost.”

William H. Frey, a demographer at the Brookings Institution, attributed the accelerated trend to the lifestyles of baby boomers.

“It’s the legacy of the boomers that have finally caused this tipping point,” Dr. Frey said. “Certainly later generations have followed in boomer footsteps, with high levels of living together before marriage, and more flexible lifestyles. But the boomers were the trailblazers, once again, rebelling against a norm their parents epitomized.

“This would seem to close the book on the Ozzie and Harriet era that characterized much of the last century,” he said.


http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/15/us/15census.html?hp&e...

[MadHound]

18. Married, not married, who really cares, I certainly don't

I've co-habbed with a couple of women, one of whom became my wife, and we suffered no ill effects. We didn't get married for business, legal or social reasons, we got married to further our commitment to each other period. Yes, we have benefitted financially, and certain legalities have been made easier, such as power of attorney, etc. But in our case it is the deeper commitment to each other that is the important part, and frankly something that we couldn't have achieved without marriage.

But frankly, folks should follow their own heart and conscience in these matters. Stay single, co-hab, marry, what you will. I do support gay marriage, but frankly I'm against domestic partner benefits for the plain fact that it would be too easy to abuse said benefits with little or no solid proof that the couple is truly committed to each other. Too much room for abuse there.

[tavalon]

22. What is it about commitment

that you couldn't achieve without a piece of paper?

[sugapablo]

23. Well if you don't have the one piece of paper...

...you'll need other ones down the road, like Power of Attorney. ;)

Who cares? Why are we discussing this? If you wanna get married, great! Save me a piece of cake! If you don't wanna get married, great! Enjoy whatever arrangement you got goin' on!

Live, let live, enjoy!

[youthere]

36. Ummm...

I'd like some cake either way.

[ekelly]

29. What??????

MadHound wrote:

"Yes, we have benefitted financially, and certain legalities have been made easier, such as power of attorney, etc."


"...but frankly I'm against domestic partner benefits for the plain fact that it would be too easy to abuse said benefits with little or no solid proof that the couple is truly committed to each other. Too much room for abuse there."

*****************************************************

Did you and your wife have to provide "solid proof" that you were truly committed to eachother?
Ya know.....so you wouldn't be getting married just to "abuse said benefits" ?

Heterosexual couples don't have to PROVE their committment.
Why should homosexual couples have to prove it?

[Ms. Toad]

35. Come walk a mile in my shoes...

I have been married for 25 years, although my faith community has only recognized 12 years of that marriage, and the law (in limited fashion) has only recognized 2. Marriage is, at its core, a legally binding "contract" between the couple and the state in which it was entered into, and remains a legally binding contract until terminated by a court. Because our marriage contract is not recognized by the state in which we currently reside (or any state other than Massachusetts), should we wish to terminate that contract one of us must first move to a jurisdiction which recognizes the contract (Canada or Massachusetts are the closest), and live there for a minimum period required to establish residency. In terms of commitment, our legal commitment to each other is stronger than yours, or that of any straight married couple living in the United States, as you are free to obtain a divorce pretty much wherever one of you is living at the time you have a whim to divorce.

And you would deprive us of the right to insure each other because its too easy to abuse the benefits with little or no solid proof that we are truly committed to each other?

For what it is worth, in order to take advantage of the domestic partner benefits at work so my spouse could be insured, we had to certify for the health insurance quite a number of things under penalty of perjury. One of those was that we were not married. Because we are legally married I had to negotiate with legal counsel for the insurance company to rewrite the form so I was not committing perjury by signing the form.

:grr: Sorry for the rant - but you pushed a real hot button, since we are currently on the verge of losing our family coverage, which will result in spending $500-$1000 a month for coverage which is not as good as the coverage we currently have.

Granted, I would prefer that the state recognize my marriage so domestic partner benefits would be a non-issue - but until that day suggesting that I should not be entitled to domestic partner benefits because I might not be required to prove I am committed enough to deserve them is insulting.

[Eric J in MN]

28. "For first time, unmarried households reign in US"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20061015/ts_alt_afp/afplifestyleussociety_061015170214

...for the first time, a new survey has shown that traditional marriage has ceased to be the preferred living arrangement in the majority of US households...The findings, which were released in August but largely escaped public attention until now because of the large volume of data, indicated that marriage did not figure in nearly 55.8 million American family households, or 50.2 percent.

More than 14 million of them were headed by single women, another five million by single men, while 36.7 million belonged to a category described as "nonfamily households," a term that experts said referred primarily to gay or heterosexual couples cohabiting out of formal wedlock.

In addition, there were more than 30 million unmarried men and women living alone, who are not categorized as families, the Census Bureau reported.

By comparison, the number of traditional households with married couples at their core stood at slightly more than 55.2 million, or 49.8 percent of the total.

[w4rma]

30. Abortion rates are higher, also. (nt)

[Jersey Ginny]

37. I'd get married if I were allowed.

Myself and a few of my friends with life partners might tip the balance back.

[Lilith Velkor]

38. Living in sin RAWKS!!

:headbang:

[Zech Marquis]

44. so marriage is now based on econmics?

:shrug: while it's always ideal to have a family of married parents, i personally believe that it's how that family is able to grow together and love each other is way more important than," unmaried couples pose great challenges for such and such economic and work policies for our country..." :eyes: Look at Gene Simmons from KISS--he and his longtime partner (whose anme slips me, she's a former Playmate) have raised 2 pretty normal and apaprently well behaved kids, and they all seem to love each other like any other family.while I don't have a fmaily of my own, I can tell anyone that raising one is BOTH the greatest challenge and joy. How you and your partner decide to take on that challenge will determine what type of fmaily happiness you'll all have, not some pencil neck in DC adding up a bunch of numbers :-)

As for myself, I would like to start my own family. :-) i never did get into the single clubbing and barhopping scene anyway!

[Strathos]

45. Rethugs blame the decline on Same Sex Marriage

They say SSM has caused a decline in hetero marriages where SSM is legal and now America will suffer the same fate. I guess the not being legal in America thing has no effect on them.

I call bullshit. People aren't getting married as much because it's no longer a social taboo to be living together or to be single in your 40s and 50s.