One in Four Americans Provide Unpaid Care to an Adult

[Viva_La_Revolution]

Source: wsj

So as if saving for your own retirement wasn’t enough of a challenge, get ready to stash away for your relatives.

That’s the takeaway from a new report making the rounds from AARP. According to AARP, in 2009 one in four Americans cared for an adult family member, partner or friend who had a disability or chronic condition. All told, the tab for their unpaid caregiving contributions came in that year at $450 billion, a 21% increase over the $375 billion AARP estimated in 2007.

As Baby Boomers continue to age, many of whom relied on rosy assumptions about their retirement savings, this doesn’t bode well going forward. Life expectancies continue to go up, as do health care costs. Retirement account savings rates continue to be anemic. Plus, your cognitive ability when it comes to money may decline as you age.

In sum, people aren’t ready.

Read more: http://blogs.wsj.com/economics/2011/07/18/one-in-four-americans-provide-unpaid-care-to-an-adult/?mod=e2tw

---

I'm "on duty" with Gram for 80 hours per week. My Dad is doing about 50. Thankfully we have a caregiver for 8 hours a day, M-F, or I would never get any sleep.

All in all though, this has been a marvelous experience. I've reconnected with the family, and Gram is secure that she won't end up in a nursing home. I know some people don't have the temperament or the ability to take care of their elders, but I highly recommend inter-generational living.

[Solly Mack]

1. K&R

[jtrockville]

2. Just curious: How does that compare with developed nations?

[SomeGuyInEagan]

60. I think that is a key question

They point out in this story that we are in for a wave of elderly when boomers start encountering the need for living support and they actually attach some money figures to care (total worth if compensated and how much an individual may loose financially over a lifetime - this hits women especially hard).

Plus what is known about the health effects on caregivers and what that costs.

We are in for some very interesting few decades as this wave of boomers (with fewer children, typically, than previous generations) and social programs like Medicare and Social Security under attack. We may be seeing a lot of elderly in the streets.

[MineralMan]

3. Yup. My wife and I help her mom with all sorts of things.

She's 82. Before my wife's father died, we moved to Minnesota to help him. We figured that they raised her, so we ought to be here to help them. My parents, who are in their late 80s have my brother and sister still living in the same town, so they're being helped, too.

Isn't that how it's supposed to work? At one time, the old folks moved in with the young folks and were cared for by the very people they cared for from infancy. Seems pretty equitable to me.

[RKP5637]

6. When I was young some of my family lived in generational houses. When more

were added to the family they added a wing on the house, did that several times. Back in the days of family farming that worked well too.

[wordpix]

39. everything is so much easier when you have family who help out

unfortunately, we don't all have families like that and some of those who SHOULD help are "too busy."

:grr:

[DesertFlower]

4. my mom had dementia. i let her live on

her own as long as i could, but she was not eating, she was having auditory hallucinations. with the help of a great social worker i was able to get her into a small assisted living facility about 2 miles from my house.

i made sure the facility accepted medicaid so when mom's money ran out she wouldn't have to be moved. she passed peacefully 3 months later.

i never would have been able to care for her. my own health is poor and i don't have the temperament to take care of anyone. some people can be caregivers. some cannot.

[mikeiddy]

14. Mine also

On my father's deathbed, he made both my sister and I to promise to look after my mother, something we would have done even if he hadn't asked. Even though signs of dementia were apparent when my dad died, my sister tried very hard over the next three years to let mom live independently. Finally Adult Protective services stopped by and suggested that doing so was very nearly elder abuse. Shortly thereafter mom's doctor told us she shouldn't live alone. We moved her to an assisted living apartment, then to my house, and finally back to live with my sister in her (mom's) home. She was unhappy with each of these arrangements because she believed she could live independently. During the course of these moves three doctors and a psychologist diagnosed Alzheimer's.

While living with my sister, she fell in with a neighbor, several years her senior. He of course agreed with mom that she was perfectly capable of living alone, and convinced her that we were abusing her, and interfering with her "prerogatives". Within a month of meeting this neighbor, she put her house up for sale, tried to evict my sister, and moved out of her home, all with the assistance of her new found friend.

Because we were all too aware of her mental limitations and inability to live alone, we were forced to start a guardianship. Due to peculiarities in local law, and the opinion of a psychologist that even though she was in need of a full guardianship, and unable to manage her affairs, she was legally competent and should be allowed to choose her own guardian. She first attempting to choose her new friend, and when the court rejected that choice, an institutional guardian. By this time Adult Protective Services had changed its opinion, now stating that our refusal to allow mom to live alone was elder abuse. Since the institutional guardian was in a city over an hour away, the real effect of the guardianship was to leave mom mostly under the care of her new friend.

Not surprisingly, she did not like the institutional guardian and blamed her predicament on me and my sisters. With her friend's assistance she convinced her guardian to sell her house and purchase another. He helped her auction all of her belongings, including all of the family keepsakes, and rewrite her will, leaving everything to him and various of his favorite charities. She sued me personally (unsuccessfully) to remove me as trustee of a trust my father had established and with the help of her friend and her attorney, and altogether managed to fritter away nearly a half million dollars in three years. In fall of 2009 she died as a result of injuries suffered in an accident when her friend fell asleep at the wheel.

We were left with only a will contest against the new friend to remember her by.

[Maat]

18. We refused to go along with a professional conservator.

We stuck to our guns, despite a similar situation, and got the conservatorship. Unfortunately, she had frittered away a great deal of money before this.

[DesertFlower]

20. our doctor said to me "you've got to get

your mother into a place where she'll get the proper nutrition". she was down to 88 lbs.

she lived in a senior community but was hallucinating that her neighbors were killing small children and were going to kill her. she started ringing doorbells of other neighbors telling them about these alleged murderers. people were complaining to management. i knew at that point that i had to do something. i was so fortunate to find this social worker. luckily i had power of attorney over mom's mental health. we got her into the psychiatric ward of the hospital where they had the top psychologists who deal with seniors. she spent 3 weeks there and then went into the group home. they only had 4 or 5 other residents. all the meals were home cooked -- the owner was romanian -- my mom was german decent. she loved the food, but she kept saying she wanted to die. she had been saying that for years.

after a few weeks she didn't recognize me. the last time i saw her she did. one morning after breakfast she threw up. the caretaker cleaned her up and put her to bed. a few hours later she called me and said my mom wasn't responding to her. she wanted permission to call 911. they took my mom to the hospital -- wanted to keep her overnight. at around 1 am the doctor called me and said she was moving my mom to ICU. her blood pressure was dangerously low. i said "no -- just keep her comfortable". she said "she can die within minutes or hours". again i said "keep her comfortable". she said "she's comfortable -- she's sleeping and we're giving her fluids". a few hours later she passed peacefully in her sleep. it was what she wanted.

i have no regrets or guilt. i did the right thing.

because she only spent 3 months in assisted living she had about $30,000 left which i split between her 3 granddaughters. that was also her wish.

[laylah]

27. ...

:hug: I am SO sorry!

[Maat]

15. We just took a conservatorship over our mom (sister and I).

We put Mother in a residential care facility mid-way between my sister's home and my home. The caregivers are wonderful, and we visit frequently. Mother has been diagnosed with dementia; Sister and I know that her health was complicated by years of drug and alcohol abuse.

I know of what you speak. Hang in there. Blessings to you and yours. I have to believe that the Universe will make up for the injustices we experience somehow.

[DesertFlower]

24. even doctors put their parents into

nursing homes. my sister in law has worked in the medical field for more than 40 years. when my mother in law had a stroke and couldn't take care of herself my sister in law got her into a beautiful nursing home right on the water -- the same place where her doctor friends put their parents. it was expensive. my mother in law had a substantial amount of money. everything had to be signed over to the nursing home, her social security, my late father in law's pension, her condominium. she was there for 9 years. when she passed there was $1400 in her bank account. my husband and i and his sister had to pay for her funeral.

BTW. my mother in law expected her daughter to take care of her at home. well she had to work. she was divorced and was raising 3 kids -- one was 17, but the twins were only 7. how could she stop working to take care of her mother?

[Dappleganger]

73. Many parents are just unrealistic...

and they have no clue the demands on today's families.

I can empathize with everyone...my father has early onset ALZ, my sister has POA and medical POA and is in the process of getting him into a nursing home. He is fighting everybody including the judge. :(

[Dulcinea]

58. Same here.

My MIL developed dementia after a stroke. She also had a host of other health problems.

Towards the end of her life, she was bedridden, incontinent & had to go to a nursing home. We couldn't care for her, and I also do not have the temperament to be that kind of a caregiver.

[CTyankee]

82. My mother was in a great assisted living facility.

She did fine for 3 years, but after she broke her arm she stopped eating and basically gave up, dying 3 days after her 94th birthday. My brother had died several months before and I think that just finished her.

The assisted living was wonderful. She got terrific care and I visited as often as I could, flying down to Texas from CT.

[Downwinder]

5. I salute you. The hardest job you will ever have and

probably the most rewarding.

[msongs]

7. retirement funds are only getting .oooooooooooooooo5% interest these days nt

[Kolesar]

12. buy an annuity

Get ~5% paid back every year.

[DesertFlower]

25. but you lose the principal, right?

[Kolesar]

34. Yes. You can structure it to pay two beneficiaries, though

I have been pricing these. An annuity to pay two beneficiaries would cost 5% more than an annuity to pay one beneficiary. There are also terms available so that if both beneficiaries die within 10 years, there is a guaranteed payment to whomever is named as the ultimate beneficiary of the annuity/estate. That option would cost a few percent more.

http://personal.fidelity.com/products/annuities

Aren't they sweet?

no, I don't work for Fidelity

[DesertFlower]

35. thanks. hubby's 401k is with fidelity.

we've been wondering what to do with it when he retires which will be in the next few years.

[Dappleganger]

74. We set up an annuity for my father

with the funds from the house he finally sold earlier this year. For him it's the best choice but we know it's not for everyone.

[rayofreason]

8. I don't get it...

...that we take care of our elders is news? We did it without even a second thought. Yes, life can be difficult when you have a parent with cognitive difficulties who cannot care 100% for himself, but it never occurred to me that caring for him was anything other than normal.

What is next? Headlines like 50% of Americans provide unpaid child care for their children?

[totodeinhere]

10. I agree with you 100%. If my parents ever need care I will gladly give it to them and

I will not expect to be paid for it. After all, they cared for me when I was younger and nobody paid them for that. Yes, they got a tax deduction for me but I think that caring for an elderly parent is also a tax deduction. Someone can correct me on that if I am wrong.

[Habibi]

46. You're wrong.

[totodeinhere]

49. I am not entirely wrong. You can claim an elderly parent as a dependant under

certain circumstances.

http://www.bankrate.com/finance/money-guides/tax-help-in-caring-for-an-aging-parent-1.aspx

Where did you get your information? Simply saying "You am wrong" and not backing it up with any substantiation is not helpful.

[No Elephants]

80. Toto, that is easier said that done. Alzheimer's patients, for example, really need

some degree of supervision 24/7, for safety alone.

Taking care of a home and job and an Alzheimer's patient (or two) properly and indefinitely is more than many can do, no matter how grateful and loving they are.

For just one thing, when you were at your most helpless, you were very easy to lift and had little choice but to have your bed linens changed. And, as you got harder to lift and manipulate, you were also getting more independent, potty trained, learning to put on your own clothes, etc.

Even with special training, handling an adult, even when they are not resisting you, is a feat in itself. I know a hospice nurse who makes home visits who says she simply cannot do it much longer (meaning lifting patients to make them comfortable or bathe them or change their bed linens.)

She's been at it less than ten years. She is a former nun and temperamentally very well suited to minister to people, but her back will not let her do this indefinitely.

For another, sometimes IV, food tubes and central lines are necessary to get nutrition and meds down.

Anyway, I hope, if and when the time comes, you can either physically and financially do what you prefer to do, or can hand the reins over to professionals without torturing yourself with guilt.

Meanwhile, plan for either course of action and encourage your parents to eat well and exercise and do the other things that help keep them healthy and rational.

[mntleo2]

13. Women lose about $275,000 because of this unpaid care

...in a paid work lifetime and this is according to labor statistics. Most often than not, they first care for their children, then their parents, and finally their spouses ~ all without any support and considered "doing nothing" by our government and society. Each time they have to make the agonizing decisions as to whether they work for a wage or care for a loved one.

We have codified into law that care giving is "doing nothing" under The Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunities Act in 1996. Many applauded it because they thought it was aimed toward poor women, not them. Hahahahahahahahaha!

If our nation were to replace this care (which is in reality just another subsidy for corporations, not families), it would cost billions. Also anybody knows institutions do not do near the job of caring for a loved one as a family member can. We also do not recognize that care giving such as the raising of children to take care of US when we can no longer do it. After all, who is going to pay YOUR Social Security but them? Who is going to care for our infrastructure when we can no longer do it? Who is going to fight in our wars and protect us when we are too old? Whether or not you have children, care giving IS "work"!!!!!

Those of us who fought this law, TRIED to tell folks who have no respect for this work that this law would come for THEM next and was in reality a slap in the face for the work women have done since the beginning of humanity. It was in essence enslaving women doing this work they are "doing nothing" for their communities unless it is PAID labor for corporations. In fact this free labor is the linchpin to most societies and as well as this country. It now forces women to go out there and say for large corporations, "Do you want fires with that?" instead of, "Come on Dad let's go for a walk to exercise that leg" or "Here Son, let's sit down and I will help you with your homework ..." or Honey, don't worry I am right here beside you if you can't breathe ..."

So this work IS valuable ~ the problem is that most people are too stoooooopid and don't see it as valuable work ~ until it comes to their own asses and then suddenly ~ "everybody" who is doing this difficult often endless care without rest or financial assistance IS "doing something" when it is by or for THEM.

Cat in Seattle

[RainDog]

44. yep

deleted rest of message

[Cleita]

9. I did 24/7 for seven years for my DH.

When he succumbed to his illness, I was very tired and it all caught up with me. I fell ill myself for several months until I got my health back. Thank God I qualified for Medicare soon after his death.

[wordpix]

40. that's too much, you needed more support

[Kolesar]

11. My brother moved "back home" to help my mother, ran up $90,000 debt

Never got a job
Now she is facing foreclosure.
Reverse caregiver

[alp227]

16. any outrage from those "pro-life"...oh wait pro-fetus activists? n/t

[slackmaster]

17. Similar situations have existed within my family etc. at all times for as long as I can remember

My late uncle, who lived in a big house in Kansas, had an actual crazy aunt living in his basement when I was a kid. In the town where I grew up, there were always a few families who had disabled adults living with their parents or siblings.

I don't understand why people taking care of their elder relatives, spouses, disabled siblings, etc. would be newsworthy. That's always been a part of human life.

[Maat]

19. It probably isn't news ...

but my sister and I are going through a heck of an experience. Having friends that are going through a similar experience surely does help!

[DesertFlower]

36. when my mom was in the hospital most of

the nurses who worked there had gone through the same experience i did with their parents. they were really helpful.

[Islandlife]

21. Personal responsibility

I gladly took care of my parents in their time of need. It is only a small payback for giving me life.

I would never expect to be compensated for my help. Does anyone?

It is a personal choice. Choose to help or not.

[DesertFlower]

26. IMO it has nothing to do with

compensation. i couldn't take care of my mom even if i were paid $100,000 a year. you're either capable of being a caretaker or you're not. i'm not.

[Islandlife]

31. Exactly

That's why it is so curious that AARP would try to estimate the cost of unpaid health care. Is this leading up to something?

I may be missing the point and therefore it seems interesting to me.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

69. Probably something evil and anti-personal-responsibility

Like "there should be public health care". GASP. The horror.

[ieoeja]

28. "family member, partner or friend"

The guy in my basement is a friend of a friend. We are in no way related. I have no more responsibility for him than do you.

Two years ago I saw a teenage girl appear on the street with a sign asking for help. As she was across the street from a community college and did not look homeless, I figured it was some sort of study.

That was two years ago. Today, she looks horrible. But with the guy in my basement plus an ex-wife with medical problems and her mother with polio(!), I'm pretty much tapped out. I've had to stand by and watch this poor girl fall apart, and feel terrible about it. I toss her a twenty from time to time. But even then she shrinks from me. Which pretty says a lot more about what life is like for an underage girl living on the street by herself than most people would like to hear.

Tried to talk my ex-wife into taking her in as a live-in housekeeper working for room-and-board. But she didn't care for the idea of taking in a stranger.

But, hey, she's not related. So why should I give a fuck, right?

[wordpix]

42. no one expects to be compensated; however, if only one person does the heavy lifting

in a family and she is not wealthy, she should definitely stand up for herself and tell the rest of the family, "I am happy to be the one to care for mom, but I need ______________ to do it." There is nothing wrong in a caregiver asking the family to be provided with room, board and a stipend for an occasional night off or movie. My friend who takes care of her mother gets room, board and $2000/mo. She had to fight for the stipend but her family eventually "got it" that my friend was saving their mother (and "the estate") a lot of money, plus keeping mom in her own home, plus giving her outstanding loving care that she could not get at a residential facility for quadruple the cost.

When the mother dies, my friend won't be destitute; at least she earned a bit of money for the years (so far, 3-1/2) she's put in helping her mom every day, almost 24/7 (as the mother's condition has worsened, she's hired part-time help).

Would it be better for my friend to do it for nothing? I don't think so and some people cannot afford to do that, or they will be destitute when the parent dies.

[Habibi]

45. +1000

Caregivers often end up leaving their jobs in order to provide the necessary care. They therefore lose their job skills by the time the elder passes on. They should definitely be compensated fairly; it is not a job for the faint of heart. Especially when the relationship between parent-elder and offspring-caregiver is a rocky one.

[raccoon]

57. And then the caregiver is on their own for health care. Unless s/he qualifies for Medicare. nt

[Habibi]

62. Yes, and good luck with that.

Caregiving means stress, even if you are doing it willingly. It also means being prone to injury, as you lift, turn, help up off the floor, help into and out of the shower, transfer into and out of a car.

[DissedByBush]

22. It simply means

We still have some decency left in our society.

[Bennyboy]

23. What about "Barely Paid care"?

That's me now. I do about 40 hrs a week but get paid for 8. Today it was all morning in the hospital for testing. Driving and sitting around and all that. The dishes. The laundry, make the beds, and cool at least two meals. 2.5 hours.

[saras]

29. I met my partner because they came home to care for their mother

Three years or so of unpaid care, thankfully not 24/7, but she, like Woody Allen, wanted to achieve immortality by not dying. Her blood pressure would drop, the alarm would go off, and with the doctor watching, she'd say "I'll fix that" and her blood pressure would come back to normal. The week before her death, she was leading a Great Books group on Nietzsche, which we didn't think the best thing to be reading, but to each their own.

[izquierdista]

30. Does everything have a price?

I wonder what the percentage of people providing care to an adult is in societies with no money, like primitive barter societies and hunter gatherer tribes.

Corollary: If a price is put on caring for someone, you can bet someone else can do it faster and cheaper by cutting corners.

[Marthe48]

32. We cared for numerous aged relatives

When I grew up, my Grandmother's sister came to live with us in my grandmother's house. She was given 6 months to live when she moved in, and lived 13 years I was 8, and because of other things happening, was her main company most of the time she lived with us. My mom and I took care of my grandmother, her mother-in-law, when she needed it--my mom and dad had divorced, he passed away, and Gram needed help in her final years. When my Mom became elderly and ill, my husband and I moved her in with us for 6 years, until she needed more care than we could give. Now, we have become caretakers for my husband's mom, who lives in an apt. across town, but we are over there almost every day and it is basically like managing a 2nd house. Most people I know have been caregivers for their loved ones, trying to keep them in their homes until it isn't feasible. We know people from other countries, such as Brazil, Japan, and China, and they tend to live in multi-generational homes, and they don't have nursing homes for their elderly.
I like the idea of multi-generational homes--utility bills for 1 house shared by several families, different kinds of care offered for the young, old and infirm, shared chores, multiplied joys. Not for everyone, but I guess that's why the American Dream included a 'little place of our own' for so long.

[wordpix]

38. I moved in with mom & with her helpers there, it's not bad at all

but you do need helpers if you're the only family member. Still, living in the spare room to help mom is fine and saves $$$ on renting a place in the same bldg.

Mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't walk well and cannot be alone for 2 secs. Without any other family helping besides me, we have to pay helpers around the clock except during my shifts. Very difficult situation and mom is going broke. But at least she is getting outstanding care and has a family member in charge.

[demigoddess]

33. My advice is to step in earlier. Our relative spent a lot of money

wastefully and will end up being taken care of because the relatives were too intimidated to step in and tell him what was what. That is probably the biggest reasons that the kids have to step in and care for parents themselves. Also we found that going into a facility does not always mean supervision on any level. Relatives still have to overlook the overlookers.

[wordpix]

37. I'm the only one in our family willing to live in with mom

My two bros are "too busy." Luckily, mom has or rather, had some money for helpers so I don't have to do it all, and I can work.

[lunatica]

41. My son and I took care of my mother for 5 years

She died of pancreatic cancer but she received home hospice care and was able to die at home. It made a difference.

[wordpix]

43. one of the worst things is, if you're elderly and employ health aides, you must pay employment tax

I forget the percentage but it's hefty. My mom is paying a tremendous amount on home health aides with her advanced Alzheimer's (even with my help I can't do it all), and then she has to pay thousands of dollars each year in tax to employ them.

There should be a tax break for the elderly on this one.

Hey, if the corporate execs get breaks for their jets, why not grandma with Alzheimer's?

[fujiyama]

47. .

[pitohui]

48. it doesn't quite seem believable to me, sorry

i assuming the statistic is true, which it isn't, i'll just say, i am not going to give up my one and only life to stay home and be "on duty" 80 hrs a week, if i'd wanted a baby, i would have had my own

i don't even particularly believe this story can be true, it is simply not possible, most adults these days have to hold jobs and earn a living, gone are the days when a woman's life and time were for other family members to dispose of and she was expected to give unpaid nursing help forever

it is not my fault that no honest working person could ever earn enough money to pay for nursing home care and it is beyond my control to do anything about it

i'm amazed if you really can care for someone 80 hrs a week but this means giving up work, a social life, anything except sleep and fixing food and basic personal care, and i'm not gonna give up my one and only life to be an unpaid nurse, no one would do it for me nor would i dream of asking them to do it for me...i monitor my health, because of alzheimer's in the family, and when it comes knocking, i'm gonna find a way to channel dr. k

i know a LOT of old people and there's no way that 1 in 4 of them are getting unpaid nursing care from their kids or other relatives, it would destroy too many marriages or families if they insisted on this

intergenerational living is for the birds and even most species of them can't tolerate it

sounds like a recipe for resentment and bitterness, esp. when one counts the cost, you can't work 80 hr weeks and have a career, a future, etc, in fact, having an older family member even ATTEMPT to move in pretty much means the end of one's marriage in a lot of cases

to be perfectly honest, in most of the cases i've known where a family member is giving "care" to the demented or seriously sick elder, it's because they are looting the estate and it's their way of making sure they get all the money -- if you don't have money, you are kidding yourself to think you're going to get "unpaid" care from family members

[DesertFlower]

50. you made some good points.

[Downwinder]

53. To each his own. I have been a caregiver.

I did it out of love and respect. I do not ask that anyone should have to do the same for me. I reserve the right to SIE when in my opinion it becomes necessary to do so and have made plans accordingly while I am still able.

I fully support physician assisted suicide.

[DesertFlower]

54. i have not been a caregiver. i don't have

the temperament to do it. some people can. some people can't. i'm not ashamed to say "i can't".

hubby and i fully support physician assisted suicide.

i bought the book "final exit" as soon as it was released.

[Johnny Harpo]

51. OK...Tell Us More.........Please....

Are you single?...married?....children?...no children?

Are your parents alive?...dead?...not yet elderly?

Did your parents not care for you when you were a child?

Were you homeless?...naked?....cold?....hungry? If not....then where the heck did you think all that 'stuff' came from?

Perhaps your parents have already passed this life and didn't leave you very much, if anything.

Have you ever needed some help that you couldn't provide for yourself? If not...then you must have some mighty big 'bootstraps'.

Since you obviously would not care for an elderly parent...then I must assume you would not stop at the scene of an accident or tend to a hurt animal or help a friend.

I must also assume that you have no interest in social programs that could help those in need rather then giving up any of your 'One And Only Life'.

I have no idea what may have happened to you in this life that would make you have such a selfish and uncaring outlook, let alone post it.

I don't know where you are from, or what the circumstances of your life have been or are now...But I do know one thing.

If I would ever need to depend on people with this kind of attitude, I would not call them Democrats.

[DesertFlower]

52. my mom didn't want any of her children

taking care of her. she always said "put me in a nursing home". i don't want anyone taking care of me either. i love my husband but to be honest i don't want him to have to wipe my ass. if i get to that point i will try to find some way to end my life. if i can make it out to my car, i'll stuff a rag in the exhaust, close the garage door and put on some nice music. my husband feels the same way. we've been members of the "compassion and choices" (formerly the hemlock society) for years. dr. kevorkian was our hero.

flame away.

[October]

61. No flames from me, DesertFlower

I did all I could for my mother. It was never enough in her eyes or anyone's. So many sacrifices. Children tagging along with me as I tried to balance my life with NO HELP, and only expectations from society -- and people looking down upon me if I wasn't a complete martyr. Thankfully, my marriage is intact.

It was insane. Period.

[sarcasmo]

71. +1

[October]

55. It was a nightmare for me, personally

My mother was half-paralyzed from a stroke. she couldn't read, write, do math... and took months and months to regain her memory and ability to swallow.

I was constantly being told by "society" what I should be doing, etc. Well, I'm 115, and my mother in a wheelchair was considerably more. She was so unhappy (and rightly so) because her house, car and possessions had to be sold to pay for her extensive care. She had nothing left and was too young for a nursing home, but too infirm to be independent. Did I mention she was miserable? I would take my young children to see her and on outings and we were expected to take her to all doctor appointments, too. She cursed, was mean and nasty -- and it was very upsetting for all.

I guess for some, it's idyllic to have inter-generational living... but that was not the reality for us. She blamed me for everything, talked about me to everyone -- called and cursed me out... omg... she was just not the same person.

[Downwinder]

56. After a brain injury you are not the same person.

Look at the people with TBI or PTSD. If your computer works after being struck by lightning don't expect correct answers from it. One of the first things to go is emotional control. You are mad at the world and everything in it and you are mad at yourself. I had to crawl off by myself and try to establish some rational. It is sort of like freezing when a bee is flying around. I have to tell myself to just stop everything until I can get my bearings.

Having been both Caregiver and Patient I am not sure which is most difficult. I am sure you are a better person for your experience. Inter generational living is not idyllic. It requires accommodations from all concerned. If it is learned in good times, it is easier in bad times. It is a way of copsing with a an adverse situation. The patient is better for being in familiar surroundings. Like it or not, we can't all get the same treatment as Giffords.

[October]

59. Correct...

I'm sorry for your situation. I've read a lot about such issues and did what I could for my mother.

I have to say that my mother was in large part THE SAME person after her stroke as she was before it happened. It is unfortunate that she was not ever a very nice person. I cringe upon saying that... and wish I could say otherwise (for many reasons).

The fact is, that I grew up in an intergenerational household. Unresolved issues between my mother and her mother (and even a great-grandmother) were ever present and infected the dynamics of the household during my lifetime in only negative ways.

No one was more sympathetic or sorry for my mother than me. I took care of her throughout my childhood because she was demanding that way. I'm merely suggesting that it was not ideal for my family -- especially my children. It hurt my marriage, too. I cannot stress this enough! The quality of our four lives was seriously impacted, as well. And no one cared. It was seen as my responsibility to do all for my mother FIRST, children second. I was lectured by nurses and nurses' aides, etc. It was insane. And, as I was considered of the "sandwich generation" meaning I had to care for my little ones along with my parent, it was supposed to be accepted as my situation.

It does not always have to do with whether or not someone is up to the task. Every situation is DIFFERENT. There is not one answer to this.

[Dappleganger]

75. This is quite true, we experienced the same with my mother

who had her first stroke right after she turned 66 then passed away from another one about 10 months later. It was very difficult to go through all of those changes, and what's worse is that she knew she was different and hated herself for it. She was a prisoner inside her mind as well as her body.

Stroke rehab and care is extremely difficult and no one should be expected to know what to do about it, not to mention that you are always having issues with doctors, therapists and aides. For us it was a NIGHTMARE. I loved my mom to death but when she passed away it was a relief to all of our families. I know for a fact that she did not want us to go through all of that in this time of our lives with our kids so young.

The people I know who have parents living w/them typically make it work if they get along, and that is not going to be the case with many many people.

[mainer]

83. Understand completely. Not all aged parents are nice to be around.

Some are downright nasty, and have always been nasty. No one should be expected to sacrifice their lives, marriages, and financial security to take care of a parent who doesn't even appreciate it.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

63. I get out of the house once a week for grocery shopping

I have given up my social life, the only friends I see are the ones who make it over to the house. DU has helped immensely, having someone to chat with at the click of a button. I can't go out and get a job (like there are any out there anyway). It does get rough sometimes, but I don't put myself over the good of the family.
Gram was spending thousands of dollars and being taken advantage of by at least one of her caregivers before we took over. Her bank balance now gains every month instead of being in the negative, she's supporting all of us for less than that one 'caregiver' was costing her. I'm lucky, I've always been dirt poor, money and 'stuff' has never been important to me. What she has will go to Dad when she dies, I don't want any of it.. I want her to be comfortable and loved for whatever time she has left. I feel this way even though I only met her once or twice as a kid, and didn't really get to know her until about 8 years ago.

How could I be bitter? My family is fed and safe and cared for. It is a 5 way street here, everyone helps out, the boys and I are more secure now than we have ever been.

Inter-generational living is NORMAL for humans, only in the last few hundred years have we deviated from that norm. No wonder we're all so dysfunctional and think we don't need each other.

If your family is toxic though, it can be a rough slog. Sometimes you have to move on and create new family.

[Vanje]

81. "it doesn't quite seem believable to me, sorry"

...

[lunatica]

85. I feel sorry for anyone under your care.

But you sound like a very lonely bitter person, so maybe you don't have anyone who cares about you either.

[Xithras]

64. My wife and I have fought a running battle over her mother for several years.

My MIL comes from a family that generally expects the young to care for the elderly. I come from a family that is horrified by the idea of saddling your own kids with your care (your kids should be free to live the lives they want without being burdened by their parents).

My MIL is at an age where she's starting to think about giving up her home and has not-so-subtly asked whether she can move in with us. I have not-so-subtly responded that it isn't happening. It's the understatement of the century to say that my wife "wasn't thrilled" by my response.

[Habibi]

65. Stick to your guns, man.

It's hard enough when both partners are on board; if one isn't, forget it. Your wife needs to put her marriage before her mother. Find MIL a nice assisted-living place.

[Xithras]

66. That's not the half of it.

It's not just that she wants to move in, but that she wants to GIVE the house she OWNS to my brother-in-law, a loser weirdo who hasn't had a real job in years and who has no family of his own. When I asked why HE couldn't take care of her in the home they already share, I was informed that he wasn't "mature enough" to care for his mother.

Throw the loser onto the street, sell the house, and use the proceeds to finance your own retirement in the assisted living home of your choice. Problem solved.

No, my guns are firmly stuck. I'm not big on the whole concept of multigenerational living anyway, and I'm sure as hell not going to do it while she hands her assets off to the family bum.

[Habibi]

68. MIL should consult an elder law attorney about

Medicaid planning. She can transfer the title to loser son, retain a life tenancy in the place, and hire a "mature" caregiver to come in and help her out, if he's not capable. However, if she ever needs to qualify for Medicaid, there's a 5-year lookback period that examines the whole transfer of assets thing, so she'd better get crackin'. :-)

Good for you for being firm on this. To some, it may seem harsh, but many people not involved in caregiving really have no clue about the tremendous amount of stress it puts on a marriage, on one's health, and on one's finances.

[madokie]

67. I helped take care of my mother the last 6 years of her life

She was a darlin too. Sometimes when I look back on it I wonder if maybe she'd had better care at a nursing home but at the time the nursing homes had such a sorry reputation that none of us wanted to put her in one. I now know better but that was 30 years ago when I was still bug nuts from the war. She had good care but looking back on it I'm not sure that professionals wouldn't have been better at it than little ole me.

[Downwinder]

72. Maybe she was taking care of you.

[sarcasmo]

70. I have taken care of my wife for 3 years now, it does take a fine temperament to handle caregiving.

[Dappleganger]

76. Bless you.

:hug:

[Cresent City Kid]

77. Best of luck to you

My father-in-law is 72 and needed constant supervision by his wife of 60 until last week when she had heart bypass surgery. Now my wife takes care of both of them full time. I don't know how she does it other than by not having any choice but to do so.

[Downwinder]

78. She is going to need help.

[Cresent City Kid]

79. I agree

This is only short term while the family works out their options. In fact her sister is taking over for a few days starting tonight. A long term solution is still in the works.

[lunatica]

84. I took care of my mother for 5 years

She had dementia and was bedridden. After using up all my retirement for a couple of years my son moved back home to help so I could go to work since I earn more.

She died in 2010 in home hospice care.