Ass-cracks, Cranial Outgrowths and other Perversions

[frustrated_lefty]

Ever since the last Neanderthal snarled at Cro-Magnon man’s
first frolicking, it has been the prerogative of village
elders, wise men and other fools to lament the passing of days
gone by and to bemoan the arrival of all things new. This is a
time honored tradition, inviolate, much in the way that
newborns have the right to weep for the warmth of the womb,
and cry at the invasion unto their world of sound and light. 
This has been true whether it be Topol warbling “Tradition!”
from the rooftops, or the leader of the free world posing that
most important question: “is our children learning?”  As it
has been, so mote it be.   

These words laid before you, however, arise from a different
fount, one of wisdom and clarity of vision.  The difference,
you see, is that these statements are mine, whereas previous
statements of the kind were made by crotchety old geezers. 
With that important distinction made clear, let us proceed.

Like the breaking of the seals in Revelations, harbingers of
Western civilization’s doom have become increasingly apparent
to the discerning eye.  You, no doubt, have witnessed these
very same signs.  You may well have experienced a moment of
hesitation, apprehending the true horror for which they
augure.  In younger years, I failed to recognize the import of
the first of these signs, blissfully unaware within a
provincial mindset.  You see, at that time, I foolishly
believed that only a small segment of a discrete
subpopulation---overweight plumbers in the Deep South, to be
precise---was inclined to display their ass-cracks so
prominently for the world to view.  With time and greater
experience of the larger world, though, it has instead become
apparent that a grotesque deformation of masculine attire has
spread across the nation like a plague.  The phenomenon may be
virally based, although the potential for prion-like
transmission cannot be fully eliminated.  The cause remains
unsure, but the symptoms are self-evident.  Some inexplicable
fluctuation within dimensions, typically accompanied by a
deterioration, or even loss, of what in North America is
called a “belt,” has resulted in the failure of men’s pants to
cover the regions they were designed to cover.  The waist-line
mysteriously drops to the nether regions, pant legs coil like
collapsing slinkies, and ass-cracks emerge like some
scatological middle finger being flipped at those unfortunate
enough to fall within view.  Frequently occurring mutations
appear to result in the descent of the groin of the pants to
the patient’s knees, forcing movement to occur as more of a
waddle than a walk.  At its present rate, this trend is
predicted to yield a subpopulation incapable of locomotion due
to the rendering of nothing more than cloth cuffs capturing
their ankles by the year 2016.  

If the truth must be known, God is simply preparing for the
provision of His chosen.  If George’s successor takes over
where he left off and brings about the apocalypse, it’s
obviously beneficial for the chosen to have a slow moving,
easily captured food source. Donner party buffets should be
the norm. 

A far more prevalent sign, one which permeates all segments of
society, is often inappropriately dismissed, perhaps due to
its very pervasiveness:  the cell phone.  Yes, the cell phone
and other digital technologies of its kind give the impression
of emerging from the flesh only to adhere to the surface of
the cranium like some demonic parasite sucking out grey matter
through feeding tubules traversing the ear canal.  Hell,
I-Pods alone spell it out. I.  Pod.  Pod people.  The body
snatchers have always been there, their technology has just
finally achieved new heights.  These new-fangled contraptions
burrow through the ear and eventually assume control.  They
spread like wild-fire, and ultimately result in the subjects
jovially (and loudly!) regurgitating relentless waves of
personal information which no one in their right mind would
wish to know!   Do you have any interest in a stranger’s or a
strangers acquaintance’s hygiene habits?  Their maxi-pad
needs?  Their erectile dysfunction or what is needed to
compensate for it?  Where they are….you already know where
they are (I’m in the bank)…or where they’re going to be?  How
they feel about the events of the day?  In fact, does the
other person at the end of this parasite really care?  “I’m
walking down the street right now and I’ll be in the office in
two minutes.”  Gee, thanks, Jim, that knowledge has re-shaped
my worldview.  “I don’t know if I like my hair color, but
girl….”…let me cancel my operation, we MUST contemplate this
critical information.  This must be a form of self-anesthesia
for the senses.  There is no getting around it.  God on high
is kind, not only has He initiated the necessary steps towards
generating a readily accessible food supply, He has dulled
their pain by distracting them with trivial inanities.  Sort
of like a spiritual ketamine.

Theoretically, it is possible that these phenomena are not
pathological, transmissible conditions.  Although difficult to
countenance, it may even be possible that these phenomena are
not acts of God in preparation for the End Times.  If that
were the case, though, it would suggest these events to be
symptomatic of an over-arching cultural trend which brings to
mind the words of Robert Heinlein, who wrote:  

"...a dying culture invariably exhibits personal
rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for others in
minor matters. A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is
more significant than a riot.  This symptom is especially
serious in that an individual displaying it never thinks of it
as a sign of ill health but as proof of his/her
strength."

If, indeed, these phenomena are merely a reflection of an
over-arching social trend, that would suggest consideration is
a quality sorely lacking within our society.  Consideration
for oneself, consideration for others, they tend to fall
within the same basket.  It might be argued that the past 6
years of republican government in America has produced a
people with so little self esteem, so little faith in their
capacity to effect change upon the world around them, that
they care not how they present themselves, they would prefer
to remove themselves from the world and not participate within
it.  They would live the lie that they “live within the world,
but not of it.”  Taking the time to care, to pay attention, to
think---is challenging in this world.  If all of that were
true, it might mean it could be important to devote attention
to the details within our lives, the things we take for
granted.

Personally, I think this is God’s plan.  In time, some poor
sucker will lay splayed out upon a sacrificial alter before
the 700 club, tied to the altar by his own clothing tightening
through his flesh, crying out: “Can you hear me now?!”

[madeline_con]

1. "... a slow moving, easily captured food source ..."

:rofl:

[sarcasmo]

2. Saw lady but crack once, it was a scary day.