ADMINISTRATION SEEKS TRIAL OF DETAINEES BY JUDGE JUDY

[Don Davis]

After being “bitch-slapped” by the Supreme Court on its handling of terror suspects, the Bush Administration is now seeking a “turnabout in fair play,” by having detainees tried and “bitch-slapped” by Judge Judy.

According to the chief legal counsel for the Pentagon, Common Article 3 of the Geneva Convention may prohibit torture and sleep deprivation, but says nothing about being humiliated on national television by a post-menopausal megalomaniac, who “eats Jihadists for lunch.”

This proposal created an immediate outcry from human rights organizations, who maintain that Judge Judy runs her courtroom like the infamous “show trials” of the Stalin era, and that her methods violate Article 3’s ban on “outrages upon personal dignity.”

In Congressional testimony, The Center for Constitutional Rights took the position that detainees would be far better off being mauled by angry pit bulls than by the rabid Judge. As an appendix to his testimony, Michael Ratner, the Director of the Center, submitted a sampling of the abuse that terror suspects could expect in an appearance before Judge Judy:

“Take off the turban, Abdullah; you’re not in Karbala anymore.”

“If you don’t shut your trap, al-Shmucki, you’re gonna be seeing stars and 72 virgins.”

“Sit down and listen to me; you may get away with that crap at Gitmo, but not in my Courtroom.”

“You just don’t get it, Ji-wad; do I have to draw you a picture of Mohammed.”

“Hey Abu, next time put on a pair of pants; I’m the only one who wears the robe in this Court.”

“You wanna’ take your oath with the Koran?; why don’t you just swear to my sweet can.”

“I’ve seen ‘dumb’ before, but you couldn’t make a shoe-bomb if I spotted you the TNT and a pair of Nikes.”

A confidential Pentagon source revealed, however, that Rumsfeld didn’t really expect the “Judge Judy proposal” to fly, but that he was using it as leverage, in order to get the detainees to agree to be renditioned back to secret prisons in Eastern Europe.

Although Congressional Democrats, with the exception of Joe Lieberman, are united in their opposition to the Administration’s proposal, they’re offering up legislation that would strip Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald of his duties, and give Judge Judy exclusive jurisdiction of the Valerie Plame investigation.