Am I "liberal enough" to make new friends?

[AuntiePinko]

Ask a Liberal: Advice From Auntie Pinko

Dear Auntie Pinko,

I am a conservative republican, but I am finding myself turning into a liberal... of sorts. The more I look at the issues that I used to be so steadfast in, the more some of the arguments on the opposite end of the aisle seem more convincing. I find myself shifting to the left on issues like energy, the environment, gay rights, and education, while my positions on other issues like National Security, abortion, and the second amendment remain the same.

Another problem is that I am accepting more and more the fact that I am not heterosexual. Well, I have known this my whole life. Ever since I was a little boy I wanted to be a little girl and those feelings have grown with me all the way into adulthood, and I am also sexually attracted to men. I am 25 years old and don't want to put off living the way I want to anymore.

The problem I have is that if I "come clean" with my political shifting and my hidden feelings I will alienate all my friends and contacts on the right. I have made way too many enemies on the left, and even if I hadn't, I fear that I wouldn't be "liberal enough" for their tastes. I don't know where I would fit in the whole political world. What do you think I should do?

Dave from Colorado


Dear Dave,

Wow, you have a lot to think about right now! I’m flattered that you’d ask my advice about such important issues. My number one recommendation is for you to trust yourself, and not let worry overwhelm you. Thinking clearly about your own identity, sexuality, and how you want to live should take priority. It might be helpful to find a professional counselor who works regularly with sexual identity issues and have your “internal discussion” out loud for them, and get some feedback. If nothing else, it will help you clarify what you think and feel, regardless of the feedback you get.

Of course, clarifying your sexual identity can be a very rough process, and it would be helpful to have a good network of friends and social acquaintances who will be supportive. This isn’t impossible, either. But it might help to examine some of your assumptions. Here’s a couple that ‘popped out’ for me:

Apparently you think that all or almost all conservatives/Republicans are against energy policies that address issues of resource distribution and scarcity for the long-term future, against protecting the environment, opposed to gay rights, and in favor of deconstructing the public education system. But I’ve met many environmentalist conservatives, pro gay-rights conservatives, conservatives concerned about supporting public education, etc. While the policies of today’s Republican Party are currently dominated by those who disagree with you on these issues, there are dissenting conservatives.

You also seem to think that all Democrats/liberals are anti-National Security, or maybe you would say ‘soft’ on National Security, all pro-choice, and all in favor of restrictions you would oppose on firearms possession. Again, I know lots of Democrats and liberals who are in favor of very vigorous, not to say ‘militant’ public policy on National Security, strongly opposed to abortion, and vehemently protective of the Second Amendment (goodness, check out DU’s own “Guns” forum here: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=118 ). Generally, I think today’s Democratic Party embraces a broader range of positions on most public policy areas than today’s GOP, so your “mixed bag” of positions might be a better fit politically in the “blue” tent. But not necessarily.

I do think you’ve said something very important about those “friends and contacts on the right” who will be alienated by your shifting views and your previously-hidden feelings. Friendship is based on many things, and there are many different types of friendship. The friendships you should be looking for now are not necessarily people who share all of your views and approve of all of your feelings one hundred percent. Right now, you need friends who can watch you grow and change and say “Good for you!” whether they agree with everything or not. They may still argue with you about environmental policy, they may admit “Whoa, it kind of freaks me out that you might be gay and I never knew it,” but they still want to share time and activities and talk with you because, well, you’re their friend.

If you don’t have any of those, it’s time to make some. Even if they don’t agree with all of your political positions. They may argue with you over gun control, but still support your right to think differently than them, to grow and change, and to be who you are. And like spending time with you.

When it comes to political parties, especially in the steel cage of Internet websites and chatrooms, political discussion can get pretty brutal and even extremist. You’re unlikely to find a place where everyone agrees with you and/or argues politely and respectfully unless you create it yourself and enforce it by kicking off anyone who types “YOU’RE A MORON!” in the course of discussing carbon credits or global warming. It’ll end up being a pretty small, unfrequented site, and it will take a lot of time and effort. If you’re feeling a bit too wary for all that rough-and-tumble, why not back off political discourse for a while (but that doesn’t absolve you of doing your homework and voting!) until you’ve gotten closer to ‘living the way you want to.’

Once you have a new, solid network of caring friends and supportive social contacts, you can jump back in the ring and take on the stands you think might be ‘contrarian’ in whichever party you choose. Such voices are valuable in both parties, and naturally I hope you’ll lend yours to the Democrats, but it’s most important for you to feel good about where you end up. Thanks for asking Auntie Pinko, Dave!

[feduppuke]

1. Wow

I can definitely relate to Dave's first and third paragraphs. I definitely find myself moving way left on some issues, but remain on the hard right on others.

Hopefully I won't get flamed too early here.

[electricray]

2. Hey man, you probably will get flamed, but...

if you are here with a sincere interest in debate and solutions, you will find that many of us aren't as caustic and inflexible as you may believe us to be. There will be people that flame you. Hell there have been people that flamed me and I am just to the left of Che'. I personally want to invite you to stay regardless of the name-calling that you may experience from some of our more juvenile members. And please share your feelings honestly. Don't be afraid to share something that is controversial. The majority of us are very reasonable patriots in search of the same thing you are: solutions to our nations problems that are in line with our democratic (used here in the system of government meaning) roots.

Ray

[femmedem]

3. Welcome to DU!

I also hope you don't get flamed too early. We need all the feduppukes we can get!

[Rosemary2205]

4. Oh you WILL get flamed eventually

I'm finally up over 500 posts and I've been flamed on at least a third of them and ignored on another third. Which, if you ask me, is not a bad record. :)

Welcome!!

[mikelewis]

5. Welcome to DU!

Honestly, welcome. It's rare to see an admitted Republican on this site, usually we just get trolls who are trying to stir up shit and derail topics; so if your sincere about honest open dialogue, welcome, welcome, welcome.

[unpossibles]

6. welcome!

I have once or twice gotten flamed (and will admit that once or twice I desreved it because of my own not-very-well-thought or expressed opinion), but it's all good.

I feel the same way about politics as I do about sexuality and religion and many of the "hot button issues": that we have a much broader spectrum of beliefs than just "A" or "B" and I think the more we come to accept that, the sooner we can heal our nation.

That said, I will vehemently defend my core beliefs from attack, even among friends, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends or that I can't change my mind if I receive good new information that I had not considered. Dig?

[Skittles]

14. dear feduppuke

we Democrats and Liberals are not goose-steppping morons like conservatives - we vary on a lot of issues; there is ALWAYS a huge argument going on somewhere here. But honestly, reconsider your postion "hard right" - to me that means INFLEXIBLE.

[realisticphish]

15. Welcome!

I really hope you stay, and I know it's hard to get past the first few hundred posts. You're already starting out with two strikes against you... 1.) You're new, and that instantly means troll to some people. 2.) You're a confessed (but reforming) repub. The vast majority of people on here will be fine with that, but some will jump on you for that alone.

The general rule applies: if you generally think George Bush is doing a good job, you don't belong. Other than that, you will find DUers with every single political position in existance. Don't be disturbed by a few flaming jerkoffs; keep it civil, keep it rational, and you'll have a home here. Good luck!

[txred]

16. Welcome aboard!

I too have some "conservative" views, but the
Democratic party really is the party of the people.  There is
room for dissent in the democratic party, where Republicans
tend to disenfranchise any one who does not hold the party
line.   

[Oak2004]

18. Welcome to the shift towards sanity

or more accurately, away from the insanity of the people who stole the Republican Party. It's not the party I joined in the 1970s. Sure it's always had a right wing, but it was made up of genuine conservatives, not proto-fascists, and it had a middle and left, too.

I last voted in a Republican Primary (there are no official party registrations in this state) in 2000, though I don't identify as a Democrat. I just vote like one ;-) I do have opinions that don't fit the stereotype of a, ummm, non-Republican? -- in particular I remain a proud life member of the NRA -- but then there are plenty of good progressive Democrats in that organization too, esp. working in and around the ILA

Sometimes I wonder if the Republican Party's dive off the deep end is the result of some Republicans being traumatized by Watergate. To me it was simple -- Nixon was a crook who got caught, lesson to learn is don't be a crook. I think some Republicans instead took the lesson to be "don't get caught", and have gone about trying to dismantle the Constitution and the rule of law.

Emboldened by their early successes, they then decided to dismantle reality so that it wouldn't catch up with them either. But reality has turned around and bit them in the ass.

[erknm]

19. There are other Independents here

I am one and generally I have been treated really well. Having said this, I get on the site about once or twice a month, at best.

Generally there seems to be a good bit of honest debate here. I wanted anyone but W to win in 2004 and I do not want a Republican in 2008. Thus I find myself in agreement on the major issues.

Good Luck

FH

[melissinha]

7. Welcome

Welcome Dave and feduppuke! The big blue tent is open to you!

As others have pointed out, flaming happens to each and every one of us, no matter how liberal we are..... One word of advice, don't criticize the silly nicknames as whiticisms on the board, they are heavily guarded, believe me I have learned. You can't agree with everyone all the time, period.

But as a person who has actually grown more liberal myself(I used to be pro-life), it takes a lot of guts to really come to terms with your sexual and political identity. You will find that some of our leaders are probably totally in line with your beliefs, take Harry Reid he's pro-life.

On National Security, you will find that most liberals take it very seriously and that the media and the right have painted us in a bad light because we just don't want to spend over-budget on it, particularly when many real National Security meausures are being ignored to fund the war... take the inpection of incoming cargo for an instance. The right is decidedly big business on this one, whereas Senators from states with big ports like Schumer have offered real solutions til they go blue in the face.

Enough of that... welcome, and go out and become part of our community.

[stevietheman]

8. Dave should probably go Independent...

today's independents tend to reflect the range of views he now holds.

Further, he assumes that all friendships depend on whether political positions match up perfectly. That's just not the case. It's possible to be friends with liberals and conservatives alike if you share other interests.

[Bretttido]

9. Good for you Dave. I hope all works out.

[mkb]

10. Happiness And Selflessness

     I understand very much about emotional distress.  My
other post today was about making mistakes.  The nefarious and
cruel people in the world like us to feel bad about ourselves.
     Even though I like women generally, I would like to be
gay in the sense of being happy.  The difficult part for
people is to find out things that make you happy while
contributing something to make everything better.  It's hard
to find ways of living that do both, at least for many of us. 
Good Luck to those who struggle at it.

[rman]

21. A peculiar aspect of the RW mindset

that it's difficult "for people is to find out things that make you happy while contributing something to make everything better."

It's called "cooperation". Simple example: all the village helps to harvest the crops. Everyone helps everyone, all benefit.

I think the main problem for certain RW-ers is that cooperation is based on trust. And the problem with trust is that it can be abused.

Without realizing it, many RW-ers end up benefiting from the fact that they are part of society, while not exposing themselves to situations where their trust can be abused - simply by not trusting anyone and thus not contributing very much to society (ie not (wanting to) pay taxes). All the while claiming that they are entire self-made and don't need anyone's help.

[Treclo]

11. Welcome Dave & feduppuke!

Thanks, Auntie Pinko- that was caring, thoughtful advice. What did Shakespeare say- "To thine own heart be true"? And I love this by Whitman, "...dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem".

[Liberty Belle]

12. I applaud you for coming here.

Dave - Your courage and independent thinking, as well as your lifestyle choices, would be more welcomed by Democrats than by Republicans.

I encourage you to further explore the Democratic Party positions on the issues where you think you are at odds. Most Democrats, and certainly our leadership, remain very committed to protecting national security. We simply differ in opinions about how to do that. Launching endless preemptive wars arguably creates more enemies and hence more terrorists, and the Iraq War in particular was launched with no proof of the WMDs used as justification to begin the conflict. Republican leaders, meanwhile, have ignored concrete measures that could have strengthened our national security, such as screening incoming cargo at ports or tightening up airport security - all measures Democrats have supported. Republicans, over objections of Democrats, have slashed homeland security funds for major cities and even for landmarks such as NY's statue of liberty, while squandering funds on pork barrel projects that aren't needed (bridges to nowhere in Alaska, ie).
They are also violating the Constitution and our civil liberties through illegal eavesdropping on citizens' phonecalls and emails, violating civil liberties that the Republican party once claimed to espouse.

Similarly, most Democrats want to reduce the number of abortions. We just disagree on how. I live in San Diego, near the border. When abortion was illegal, many women here died or were left sterile from illegal abortions in Mexico. Banning them in the US only jeopardized women's lives. A better solution is to help women escape from the poverty that makes so many seek out abortion. Did you know that the number one reason women give for seeking abortion is that they can't afford to have a baby? If you were poor, pregnant and had no healthcare insurance (or inadequate coverage, and were facing thousands of dollars out of pocket for maternity and delivery costs, might you feel forced into a similar situation? Did you know that under President Bush, there have been far more abortions than under Clinton? That's because the economy is hurting women, and many of their husbands/partners are jobless or living hand-to-mouth. A better, more humane option is to lift women out of poverty by increasing minimum wage, providing better jobs for our people and assuring affordable medical care, especially for expectant mothers.

It should also be noted that some pregnancies arguably should be terminated; for instance, did you know that 1 in 50 pregnancies is ectopic, or tubal? A tubal pregnancy cannot possibly be carried to term; the egg bursts in the tube, so the fetus is already doomed, but if nothing is done, the mother can die of infection/peritonitis. I know this, because I was diagnosed with this condition during a wanted pregnancy early in my marriage. Fortunately, it proved to be a wrong diagnosis. But a friend with an identical situation nearly died. There are women with cancer who need radiation therapy to live, but it would harm a developing fetus. There are women with dangerously high blood pressure. There are young girls raped by their fathers; I know because as a journalist, I have interviewed them and their stories are heart-wrenching; they have already been victimized once; we should not force them to be twice victimized and stigmatized. There are babies so severely deformed that doctors know they cannot live. Another friend of mine had an infant born with organs outside the body and a hole in the heart. Had she known, she would have opted for abortion; her infant, a wanted child, died hours after it was born. Judge not lest ye should be judged.

As for gun control, it's not a priority issue among any Democrats I know this election, and most have moderate positions anyhow; ie, keep guns for hunting and self-protection legal, but not everyone needs to have a Bazooka or military-style weaponry. As a mom with kids in a school district where there were two mass murders (Santana and Granite Hills), I would hope others can agree that some sanity is needed on this issue.

[benEzra]

17. Excellent post!

Excellent post, and well-put.

most have moderate positions anyhow; ie, keep guns for hunting and self-protection legal, but not everyone needs to have a Bazooka or military-style weaponry. As a mom with kids in a school district where there were two mass murders (Santana and Granite Hills), I would hope others can agree that some sanity is needed on this issue.

FWIW, bazookas and automatic weapons have been strictly controlled since 1934, under the Title 2/Class III provisions of the National Firearms Act. That's the same law that restricts sound suppressors ("silencers"), explosives, sawed-off shotguns, firearms over .50 caliber, and so on.

The "assault weapon" bait-and-switch wasn't about military weapons; it was about civilian (NFA Title 1) guns with modern styling, particularly rifles and shotguns with handgrips that stick out.

[yurbud]

13. hell, I think we like Log Cabin Republicans more than the GOP does

[hraka]

20. Welcome!!

Welcome to all the newbies who signed on for this discussion. It appears to have hit a nerve. And thank you, Auntie, for picking Dave's letter.

I am a mostly liberal Democrat lesbian daughter of Republican parents. (Mother and 2nd husband.) I can only imagine what you're going through, Dave, and I applaud your courage in coming clean, as you put it. There are Republicans out there who think and feel like you. Go online and search for the Log Cabin Republicans. http://online.logcabin.org/ They're GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered) Republicans and they're a formidable organization. If you decide to stay with your political affiliation, I strongly encourage you to contact them. I'm sure there's a chapter in Colorado.

Hope to see you back here,
Carmen, Oregon