The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 262

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 262

Edited on Mon Oct-02-06 08:45 AM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 262

October 2, 2006
Grand Old Perverts Edition

So much for the party of morals and values - Republican congressman Mark Foley (1) resigned last week amid a growing sex scandal which the GOP House Leadership (2) tried to cover up. Meanwhile, The New American Dictatorship (3) is officially installed, George Allen (5) is in more trouble, and Trent Lott (7) steps back into the limelight. Don't forget the key!

Mark Foley

Okay, who guessed that Mark Foley would be at the top of the list this week? Wow - all of you!

Yes, Rep. Mark Foley (R-Sexual Predator) resigned last week after it was revealed that he had exchanged sexually explicit instant messages with teenage boys.

In the one chat session that we have a copy of (PDF), "Maf54" presses a 16-year-old congressional page to describe what he's wearing and discusses masturbation techniques in frank terms, before the young man signs off with:

Xxxxxxxxx (8:16:53 PM): well i better go finish my hw...i just found out from a friend that i have to finish reading and notating a book for AP english

Eww. And it turns out that Foley's unwarranted attention was directed at not just one, but at least five pages:

His sudden resignation as a Congressman, a position he loved, came only hours after he was confronted with e-mails and AOL instant messages he had exchanged with a pair of teenage boys. ABC News since has reported that as many as five boys - all congressional pages - have come forward.

But this isn't your everyday Republican congressional teenage sex scandal - it turns out that Mark Foley was, believe it or not, founder and co-chair of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus.

Foley was very proud of his work looking after our nation's children. His website - which was obviously deleted last week - had a ?CLICK">whole page called "Child Protection" which included these classic quotes:

We live in a new day and age, when our children are being exposed to more threats at school, in their own neighborhoods and even on the internet. In 1998, I helped to establish the Missing and Exploited Children’s Caucus in Congress in order to bring more attention to legislation and issues that provide law enforcement and parents with the tools they need to keep children safe.

I have been honored to become a leader on this issue in Washington, sponsoring legislation that ensures organizations that deal with children have proper background checks, strengthens sex offender laws and eliminates child pornography.

(snip)

* Worked closely with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and John Walsh (host of FOX TV's "America's Most Wanted") on a variety of child protection programs. Among the latest of these is a program designed to show children how to protect themselves from online predators.

And the irony doesn't stop there. Here's a video of Mark Foley talking to John Walsh about his new legislation to track down child predators. Enjoy Foley's classic last line, "If I were one of these sickos I'd be nervous with America's Most Wanted on my trail."

At this point I'd like to thank DU's Blue-Jay who has already won the Foley scandal-naming contest with "Masturgate."

GOP House Leadership

Republican leaders in the House were obviously horrified by Foley's behavior. Late last week Speaker Dennis Hastert, Majority Leader John Boehner, and Majority Whip Roy Blunt released a joint statement which read in part:

"Members of Congress are given the trust of the American people who have elected them to office. They are expected to live up to the highest standard by those who send them to our nation's Capitol.

"The improper communications between Congressman Mark Foley and former House Congressional pages is unacceptable and abhorrent. It is an obscene breach of trust. His immediate resignation must now be followed by the full weight of the criminal justice system.

Just in the nick of time! See, while Hastert and Boehner may be horrified now, they weren't so horrified when they first learned of Foley's antics... A YEAR AGO.

That's right. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

Top House Republicans knew for months about e-mail traffic between Rep. Mark Foley and a former teenage page, but kept the matter secret and allowed Foley, R-Fla., to remain head of a congressional caucus on children's issues, Republican lawmakers said Saturday.

It turns out that a page brought the matter to Rep. Rodney Alexander, who reported it to Majority Leader John Boehner and Rep. Thomas Reynolds. Reynolds said he "personally raised the issue with Speaker Dennis Hastert earlier this year."

And so what did these Republicans, who found Foley's actions to be "unacceptable and abhorrent" and "an obscene breach of trust," do about it? Nothing. They didn't tell the police, they didn't appoach Foley and force him to resign, they kept their fat mouths shut in the hope that it would all go away - at least until after the elections.

And they have the balls to talk about an "obscene breach of trust?"

The New American Dictatorship

I think Katherine Harris spoke for us all when, in a letter to constituents last week, she wrote, "In just a few short weeks, millions of Americans will decide the direction of our country. Like many of you, I believe that our communities and our values are in danger from ultra-liberals Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid and the rest who value rights over national security."

Thank you, Katherine! Anyone who thinks that we should value rights over security is just plain stupid. What do they think this is, the land of the free or something? LOL. There are people out there - dangerous people - who want to kill us! And treasonous "ultra-liberals" like Hillary Clinton want to give them rights? I must be living in Cloud Cuckoo Land!

With that in mind, lets take a look at the Republicans' most excellent Detainee Bill which passed the House and Senate last week, and find out what it will do to keep us safe from evil-doers. All quotes come from NPR's article "Inside the Detainee Bill."

Habeas Corpus

"The bill prohibits detainees held by the United States from filing lawsuits challenging their detention, known as habeas corpus pleadings. This wipes out both pending and future lawsuits, and it would apply to people picked up anywhere in the world, including the United States."

This is a brilliant idea. Sure, the use of Habeas Corpus dates back more than 800 years and the Supreme Court once called it "the fundamental instrument for safeguarding individual freedom against arbitrary and lawless state action," but we're talking about TERRORISTS here, people. After all, we weren't fighting a series of bloody and brutal wars in the Middle East when King John signed the Magna Carta in 1215. Well, okay, we were - but I don't recall the Saracens ever flying airplanes into buildings.

Coercive Interrogation Tactics

"The bill prohibits 'grave breaches' of Common Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions. That includes 'cruel or inhuman treatment.' ... The bill also prohibits enemy combatants from filing lawsuits claiming a violation of their rights under the Geneva Conventions. That could make it difficult to hold accountable those who do engage in torture."

Once again, a brilliant idea. If the United States declares someone an enemy combatant, then they should certainly not be able to weasel their way out of it using those quaint Geneva Conventions. These are TERRORISTS who want to KILL US - if they weren't, then why were they arrested in the first place? Duh. And just in case you're worried that we won't be able to do anything cruel or inhuman to these evil-doers, fear not - the bill "gives the president the power to 'interpret the meaning and application of the Geneva Conventions.'" Huzzah for the president!

The Definition of 'Unlawful Enemy Combatant'

Now we get down to the real meat: the TERRORISTS! Who is a terrorist? Where are these evil-doers lurking? How do we track them down? It's simple: terrorists are "people who have been declared enemy combatants under Combat Status Review Tribunals, 'or another competent tribunal established under the authority of the President or the Secretary of Defense.'"

All right! Secret military tribunals - or better still, other tribunals "established under the authority of the President or the Secretary of Defense" - will determine who the terrorists are. So we can lock 'em up, prevent them from having a trial, and then torture them until they confess. It's morning in America, the shining city on a hill! And never forget: they hate us for our freedoms.

Oh yes, I should probably mention that there's one other definition of who is an "unlawful enemy combatant" under the new bill: "The bill expands the definition of unlawful enemy combatants to include people who have 'purposefully and materially supported hostilities.'"

A bit vague? Of course not. It clearly means that unless you embolden or give aid and comfort to the enemy, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

"...to those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: your tactics only aid terrorists, for they erode our nationality unity and diminish our resolve." - Former Attorney General John Ashcroft

"Put yourself in the shoes of the enemy. The enemy hears a big debate in the United States, and they have to wonder, maybe all we have to do is wait, and we'll win." - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld

"(Criticism of George W. Bush's Iraq policy) emboldens the opposition. ... If you embolden the enemy, you are hurting our cause." - Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA)

"(Terrorists) are encouraged, obviously, when they see the kind of debate that we've had in the United States, suggestions, for example, that we should withdraw U.S. forces from Iraq." - Vice President Dick Cheney

"I listen to my Democrat friends, and I wonder if they're more interested in protecting terrorists than in protecting the American people." - House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH)

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." - President George W. Bush

But look on the bright side - just because the law says that anyone who disagrees with the Bush administration can be locked up without trial and tortured at the pleasure of the president, it doesn't mean that it's actually going to happen. Not this week, anyway.

The New York Post

Of course, the conservative media is more than happy to lay the groundwork for George W. Bush's bold new dictatorship. Sure, Our Great Leader is concerned with the threat of terrorism - but if threats are made against people who disagree with him, then apparently it's not a big deal.

Last week Keith Olbermann received an envelope full of white powder at his home, along with a note warning that it was "payback" for his criticism of the Bush administration's policies. Here's how the incident was reported by the New York Post:

MSNBC loudmouth Keith Olbermann flipped out when he opened his home mail yesterday. The acerbic host of "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" was terrified when he opened a suspicious-looking letter with a California postmark and a batch of white powder poured out. A note inside warned Olbermann, who's a frequent critic of President Bush's policies, that it was payback for some of his on-air shtick.

The caustic commentator panicked and frantically called 911 at about 12:30 a.m., sources told The Post's Philip Messing. An NYPD HazMat unit rushed to Olbermann's pad on Central Park South, but preliminary tests indicated the substance was harmless soap powder. However, that wasn't enough to satisfy Olbermann, who insisted on a checkup. He asked to be taken to St. Luke's Hospital, where doctors looked him over and sent him home. Whether they gave him a lollipop on the way out isn't known. Olbermann had no comment.

So let me get this straight - a well-known news anchor receives an envelope full of white powder and a threatening note. He calls the police who bring a HazMat unit to his home, and as a precaution goes to hospital. And for this he is ridiculed? Since when did American newspapers start treating people who send white powder and threats through the mail as hilarious pranksters, and their victims as weak-kneed pantywaists who can't take a joke?

George Allen

There were more troubles in Macacaville last week when former friends of George Allen just couldn't stop reminiscing about his, er, colorful past.

First, three of Allen's former college football teammates came forward with news that Allen "repeatedly used an inflammatory racial epithet and demonstrated racist attitudes toward blacks during the early 1970s," according to Salon. One of the teammates, Dr. Ken Shelton (whom Allen nicknamed "Wizard" because Shelton happened to share the last name of an imperial wizard of the KKK) also related this charming story:

Shelton said he also remembers a disturbing deer hunting trip with Allen on land that was owned by the family of Billy Lanahan, a wide receiver on the team. After they had killed a deer, Shelton said he remembers Allen asking Lanahan where the local black residents lived. Shelton said Allen then drove the three of them to that neighborhood with the severed head of the deer. "He proceeded to take the doe's head and stuff it into a mailbox," Shelton said.

Next, Larry Sabato, "one of Virginia's most-quoted political science professors and a classmate of Allen's in the early 1970s," according to the Associated Press, told Chris Matthews on MSNBC that "I'm simply going to stay with what I know is the case and the fact is he did use the n-word, whether he's denying it or not."

And finally, the New York Times reported that:

Another acquaintance of Senator George Allen said Tuesday that she heard him use a racial slur in 1976, contradicting a statement he made Monday in an effort to tamp down similar accusations.

(snip)

Mrs. (Ellen) Hawkins, who described herself as a rural Virginia housewife and an active Democrat, said in an interview Tuesday that she heard Mr. Allen use the slur repeatedly at a party on election night in 1976. She said Mr. Allen used the term while deprecating the intelligence of the black players on the Washington Redskins football team, which Mr. Allen’s father coached. Recalling remarks about its star running back, Larry Brown, Mrs. Hawkins said that Mr. Allen "started in effect bad-mouthing him, saying what a shiftless you-know-what" he was.

She said she remembered the conversation because she was a big fan of the team and was shocked."

In a statement reeking of desperation, George Allen's campaign manager Dick Wadhams called Hawkins' account, "another false accusation."

Sure it is. After all, who are you going to believe? George "Deerstuffer" Allen, or your lying eyes?

Francis B. Coombs Jr

Most people who read this column will be aware that the Washington Times is owned by Unification Church leader Sun Myung Moon. But did you know that Times managing editor Francis B. Coombs Jr. is a white supremacist?

According to the Huffington Post:

The second most powerful editor at The Washington Times is a white supremacist racist who says blacks are "born genetically 15 to 20 IQ points lower than a white person" and that abortion is necessary "to keep the black and minority population down in this country." His wife, Marian, confirmed this, on the record, in an interview with reporter Max Blumenthal for the Oct. 9 issue of The Nation magazine.

And how can Marian be so sure about this? It turns out that she's "a close friend of Jared Taylor, notorious white supremacist and founder of the neo-eugenicist group, American Renaissance."

Well, at least George Allen can count on at least one newspaper endorsement this year.

Trent Lott

I know what you're thinking. With all this racism in the news lately, where's Trent Lott? Fear not! The Mississippi Hair Helmet is back in business.

After meeting with Bush and Cheney at the White House last week, Trent admitted to reporters that he was very confused about the differences between Sunnis and Shiites:

"It's hard for Americans, all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people ... Why do they kill people of other religions because of religion? Why do they hate the Israelis and despise their right to exist? Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites?"

All good philosophical questions. Trent concluded:

"How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me."

Good grief. We're in bigger trouble than I thought.

Meanwhile, Trent blew a fuse over a group of Democrats who dared to use a room on Capitol Hill to hold a hearing on the Iraq war:

Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.) is threatening to punish Democrats for using an Appropriations Committee room for an unofficial hearing on Iraq oversight if it happens again. "They better stop this," the Mississippi Republican said.

"This will be the last one or there will be retribution."

Retribution? Oh, so scary! What are you going to do Trent? Thrash them with your toupee?

Tsk, what am I saying. He can just get George W. Bush to declare them enemy combatants. Problem solved.

The White House

And the hits keep coming - Jack Abramoff is back in the news. Last week it was revealed that the disgraced lobbyist had a few more contacts with White House officials than had been previously reported - 485 to be precise.

According to the San Jose Mercury News:

The White House has sought distance from Abramoff, who pleaded guilty to conspiracy and fraud and is cooperating with a federal investigation of corruption.

But Abramoff billed lobbying clients for hundreds of contacts with White House officials - including 10 contacts with chief political strategist Karl Rove - and provided tickets to sporting events and concerts for Rove's assistant, according to a report of the House Government Reform Committee released Friday. The business records of Abramoff and his associates offer "an unusually detailed glimpse into a sordid subculture of fraud and attempted influence-peddling," the report said.

So that's Foley, Hastert, Boehner, Trent Lott, George Allen, and The White House all in deep, deep... but wait, what's this? A new tape showing the 9/11 hijackers has just "emerged?" Pay no attention to the fact that the U.S military officials obtained the tape five years ago - it's just a coincidence!

Fisher Elementary School

A Texas art teacher was fired last week after a 28-year tenure at Fisher Elementary School. Was she caught pulling a Foley? Nope - Sydney McGee was fired after she took students on an approved field trip to a Dallas art museum.

I know, I know - that makes no sense. But you see, while they were at the art museum some of the children happened to see something so obscene and unnatural that the school had no choice but to fire Ms. McGee:

The Fisher Elementary School art teacher came under fire last April when she took 89 fifth-graders on a field trip to the Dallas Museum of Art. Parents raised concerns over the field trip after their children reported seeing a nude sculpture at the art museum.

(snip)

McGee's lawyer said the principal at Fisher Elementary School admonished her after a parent complained that a student had seen nude art.

Can you imagine? A nude statue at an art museum? Forget the teacher - that house of pornography should be burned to the ground!

In other news, torture is still fine.

George W. Bush

And finally, Bob Woodward's new book is out, and I guess the White House pissed in his Cheerios. Unlike Woodward's last effort, Plan Of Attack, which was so full of love for the Bush administration that one could hardly open it without becoming covered in drool, State Of Denial is a blow-by-blow account of the administration's incompetent Iraq policies. At least, that's what I heard. I haven't actually read it.

Woodward appeared on "60 Minutes" Sunday evening and revealed some pretty damning information:

Asked to explain what he means that the Bush administration has not told the truth about Iraq, Woodward says, "I think probably the prominent, most prominent example is the level of violence."

Not just the growing sectarian violence - Sunnis against Shias that gets reported every day - but attacks on U.S., Iraqi and allied forces. Woodward says that’s the most important measure of violence in Iraq, and he unearthed a graph, classified secret, that shows those attacks have increased dramatically over the last three years.

"Getting to the point now where there are eight, 900 attacks a week," he says. "That’s more than 100 a day - that is four an hour. Attacking our forces."

And:

For example, Woodward says an intelligence report classified secret from the Joint Chiefs of Staff concluded in large print that "THE SUNNI ARAB INSURGENCY IS GAINING STRENGTH AND INCREASING CAPACITY, DESPITE POLITICAL PROGRESS."

And "INSURGENTS RETAIN THE CAPABILITIES TO…INCREASE THE LEVEL OF VIOLENCE THROUGH NEXT YEAR."

But just two days later a public defense department report said just the opposite. "Violent action, will begin to wane in early 2007," the report said.

But perhaps the most interesting tidbit of information from Woodward's book is this:

Woodward says that no matter what has occurred in Iraq, Mr. Bush does not welcome any pessimistic assessments from his aides, because he’s sure that his war has Iraq and America on the right path.

"Late last year he had key Republicans up to the White House to talk about the war. And said, 'I will not withdraw even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me."

Spoken like a true lunatic.

See you next week!

-- EarlG