The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 293

[top10]

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 293

June 4, 2007
Fred Up Edition

This week Fred Thompson (1) thinks he might make a good president, John Boehner (2) needs a slogan, and The RNC (3) is getting desperate. Elsewhere, Steve Wymer (6) drops a clanger, John Harwood (7) pimps for Rudy, and Ted Stevens (9) gets into trouble. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!



Fred Thompson

Last week yet another crusty old white guy started ogling the Republican presidential nomination - "Law & Order" actor Fred Thompson announced that he's forming an exploratory committee. Thompson is a big hit among conservatives and the punditocracy, mainly because like most Republican heroes, he's really good at pretending to be something he's not. Just what we'll need after eight long years of our current phony president.

Essentially Thompson's appeal is based on three main factors, so let's go through them one by one. (Glenn Greenwald wrote a superb analysis of the media's love affair with Thompson last week, which you should check out if you want a source for some of the information below.)

1. He's a tough guy

At least, he plays one on TV. In real life, Thompson did what a lot of Republican politicians and pundits did really well in the 1960s - supported the Vietnam War while somehow managing to avoid going there. To be fair, he did make up for it by playing a Lt. Colonel in an episode of China Beach in 1989.

Meanwhile, Thompson recently decided to demonstrate the size of his sack by chickening out of a debate on healthcare with Michael Moore, opting instead to make a short YouTube video in which he told Moore to check into a mental hospital. What courage! What bravery!

2. He's a cultural conservative

Thompson is a staunch defender of "traditional marriage" and goes out of his way to thump his chest in its defense. This, however, does not explain why he left his first wife after 25 years and married a woman who is four years younger than his daughter. Here's a picture:


Wait, that's the wrong picture... ah, here we go:


3. He's the ultimate Washington outsider

Yeah right - and I'm the ultimate Washington insider. From Glenn Greenwald:

He's been a government lawyer, an actor and a Senator. Though Thompson does not mention it, he also has been - for two decades - what a 1996 profile in The Washington Monthly described as "a high-paid Washington lobbyist for both foreign and domestic interests." This folksy, down-home, regular guy has spent his entire adult life as a lawyer and lobbyist in Washington, except when he was an actor in Hollywood.

Now, you might be wondering how a man who was a lobbyist in Washington for twenty years could be described as a Washington outsider, but of course this comes from the same punditocracy that thinks Connecticut-born, Harvard-educated, Kennebunkport-vacationing George W. Bush is actually a cowboy from west Texas.

Still not convinced that Fred Thompson is a consummate Washington insider? Then try this: he serves on the Advisory Board of the Lewis Libby Defense Fund and defended his convicted pal Scooter as recently as last week.

So much for "law and order."



John Boehner

What with Iraq going tits-up, the continued flounderings of the most useless president ever, and a slate of 2008 candidates you wouldn't trust to run a Wendy's, the Republican party is suffering. (All together now: awwwwwww.)

So what better pick-me-up than a brand spanking new slogan? Last week, House Minority Leader John Boehner "convened a group of allies and confidantes to work on GOP 'branding,' an exercise designed to restore an identity to a party that many voters no longer see as holding a core set of principles," according to the Washington Post.

"We're trying to look into our conscience and define ourselves, and as we define ourselves, decide how we can best communicate that to the rest of the world," said Rep. John Carter (Tex.), the Republican conference secretary and one of the effort's participants. "In other words, what are Republicans?"

Er, perhaps it's best if I don't answer that.

But I think I can help out with this "branding" lark. Here are a few suggestions for a new GOP slogan...










The RNC

I hate to break it to the House Minority Leader, but I think the Republican party might need more than a new slogan. Last week the Washington Times reported that "The Republican National Committee, hit by a grass-roots donors' rebellion over President Bush's immigration policy, has fired all 65 of its telephone solicitors."

Apparently fired staffers are reporting that "many former donors flatly refuse to give more money to the national party if Mr. Bush and the Senate Republicans insist on supporting what these angry contributors call 'amnesty' for illegal aliens." And now the RNC is estimating a 40% drop-off in small-donor contributions.

I don't know what all the fuss is about. If their small-donor contributions have dropped off by 40% means that they'll be bringing in $6 instead of $10 this year. Big deal. Who needs small donors when you've got Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil, and Wal-Mart, right?

Mind you, this could be more of a problem - Rasmussen reported last week that:

The number of people identifying themselves as Republicans has fallen to a new low. A Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey of 15,000 adults in April found that just 31.0% now say they belong to the Grand Old Party. That's down from 31.5% the month before and reflects a drop of more than six percentage points from the peak of 37.3% during Election 2004.

Bummer!



James Holsinger

Last week George W. Bush nominated James Holsinger to be his new Surgeon General. Unfortunately it turns out that Holsinger's previous job was to discriminate against homosexuals.

In his role on the nine-member (United Methodist) Judicial Council, Holsinger has opposed a decision to allow a practicing lesbian to be an associate pastor, and he supported a pastor who would not permit an openly gay man to join the church. In both instances, Holsinger's supporters say, he was correctly interpreting and applying church policy.

Not that he was very good at his job, apparently:

The church's bishops voted later to allow the gay man to become a member.

But it's okay - see, the man who could be the next Surgeon General of the United States is apparently such a great doctor that he even has the power to cure gays.

Holsinger and his wife, Barbara, were members of Lexington's First United Methodist Church, which asked them to set out and start a new congregation.

They founded Hope Springs Community Church in a warehouse at 1109 Versailles Road. Calhoun called it a socially diverse congregation with a "very vital recovery ministry." It serves the homeless and those with addictions to drugs, alcohol and sex; and it has a Spanish-language Hispanic congregation with its own pastor.

"It's built around compassion for people who struggle with a lot of issues," he said.

Hope Springs also ministers to people who no longer wish to be gay or lesbian, Calhoun said.

No doubt it won't be long before we see this new warning label springing up all across the country:




George W. Bush

Last week, Our Great Leader made the following statements about the ongoing occupation of Iraq. See if you can spot the deliberate mistakes...

COMMANDER GUY: Last November, the American people said they were frustrated and wanted a change in our strategy in Iraq. I listened. Today, General David Petraeus is carrying out a strategy that is dramatically different from our previous course.

Nice try! Dubya's Manly Surge involved sending thousands of extra troops to Iraq, which is not exactly what the American people had in mind when they voted for a change of strategy. According to Editor & Publisher, "election exit poll surveys by The Associated Press and television networks found 55 percent saying the U.S. should withdraw some or all of its troops from Iraq."

COMMANDER GUY: A lot of Americans want to know, you know, when? When are you going to win?

No, dickhead. A lot of Americans want to know, "When you are you going to leave?" According to Editor & Publisher, "In one (poll) released Friday by CBS and the New York Times, 63 percent supported a troop withdrawal timetable of sometime next year. Another earlier this month from USA Today and Gallup found 59 percent backing a withdrawal deadline that the U.S. should stick to no matter what's happening in Iraq."

COMMANDER GUY: I recognize there are a handful there, or some, who just say, "Get out, you know, it's just not worth it. Let's just leave." I strongly disagree with that attitude. Most Americans do as well.

This utter departure from reality is quite baffling, isn't it? Unless you work at the White House - again, according to Editor & Publisher, "Bush aides say poll questions are asked so many ways, and often so imprecisely, that it is impossible to conclude that most Americans really want to get out."

Of course it is! Presumably it's also impossible to conclude that based on his long-term 30% approval ratings, most Americans think George W. Bush is a complete waste of space. Heck, they probably love the guy. Who can say?



Steve Wymer

Steve Wymer is a staffer in the office of Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) - but he might not be for much longer if he keeps making mistakes like this. According to Colorado Confidential, Sen. Allard is calling for a "national day of recognition for police, firefighters, and rescue personnel," so last week Steve Wymer helpfully sent out a press release entitled "Allard Honors First Responders." Here it is:


Looks pretty normal at first glance, right? But in case you can't read the small type, Wymer's third paragraph says:

"First responders in Colorado have recently provided critical services in the face of blizzards and tornados," added Allard. "Since I don't think first responders have really done anything significant in comparison to their counterparts who have dealt with real natural disasters, I have no idea what else to say here..."

Oops. Just 19 minutes later, he sent out a retraction which said, "Please pardon my typo in the first version of this release. I sincerely apologize for the error." The corrected paragraph read:

"First responders in Colorado have recently provided critical services in the face of blizzards and tornados," added Allard. "This resolution celebrates them and all first responders serving our nation."

Hmm. Heck of a typo, Wymer.



John Harwood

Rudy Giuliani never served in the military, but that doesn't matter to Wall Street Journal national political editor John Harwood. On a recent episode of Countdown With Keith Olbermann, Harwood helpfully invented some brand new military experience for Giuliani:

HARWOOD: Well look, Keith, I think those answers by both McCain and Giuliani help both men perhaps in the primary and in the general election for different reasons. McCain's core message is toughness, and that I'm tough enough that I can go against my party on this issue. Why? Because I've been in combat. I've been tortured myself, as you mentioned.

Rudy Giuliani also has a bit of a claim to combat in a different way, because he was on the ground in 9/11.

Yes folks, Rudy Giuliani's experience running around New York City (because his stupidly-positioned command center had just been crushed underneath World Trade Center Building 7) means that he can now claim combat experience. Hey, I have a friend who was working three blocks from the World Trade Center on 9/11 - can he put "combat experience" on his resume too? Just wondering.

Honestly, is there anything 9/11 can't do for Rudy Giuliani? It's made him a fortune through speaking engagements and his security firm Giuliani Partners, it's made him "America's Mayor," and now it's given him combat experience without him ever having to serve in the military. Not bad for a guy who, without the tragedy of 9/11 to exploit, would just be a washed-up, unpopular, former mayor of New York City.

So thanks, John Harwood, for keeping the dream alive.



The Bush Administration

Just when you thought you'd seen it all...

The Bush administration said Tuesday it will fight to keep meatpackers from testing all their animals for mad cow disease.

Yes, you read that correctly. Now, why on earth would the Bush administration want to do that? Simple!

The Agriculture Department tests less than 1 percent of slaughtered cows for the disease, which can be fatal to humans who eat tainted beef. But Kansas-based Creekstone Farms Premium Beef wants to test all of its cows.

Larger meat companies feared that move because, if Creekstone tested its meat and advertised it as safe, they might have to perform the expensive test, too.

The Agriculture Department regulates the test and argued that widespread testing could lead to a false positive that would harm the meat industry.

Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? We can't test all the cattle for mad cow disease because if a cow happens to test positive and then it turns out to be a false alarm, the meat industry would be damaged.

And what if a cow happens to test positive and it's not a false alarm? Well if we test less than 1% of the cattle that'll hardly be a problem, will it. Duh!



Ted Stevens

Last week the Associated Press reported that "Federal agents are looking into Sen. Ted Stevens' role in the ongoing investigation into the remodeling of his Alaska home, according to two law enforcement officials familiar with the probe."

Stevens (R-Naturally) had remodeling work done in 2000 which doubled the size of his house, and at least one of the three contracters who worked there has testified before a federal grand jury about the project as part of an ongoing bribery and corruption case involving an oil-field service company and several Alaska state legislators - one of whom happens to be Stevens' son.

But let's not jump to conclusions. The senator was probably just trying to get Internet access and needed all that extra space for the tubes.



George W. Bush

And finally, an interesting report from the Dallas Morning News brings word that Our Great Leader is still firmly in charge:

The White House sees terrorists as born, not created by history, bearing the mark of Cain, not the mark of circumstance. There is a scarlet "T" written on their foreheads at birth and the only answer is to destroy them. This kind of thinking, of course, relieves the thinker of any responsibility for the presence of the insurgent-terrorist-whatever in our innocent midst.

What's more, there is not much real give in the administration's policies. True, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and other American diplomats met Memorial Day weekend with the Iranians in Baghdad (a good first move but limited, since the Iranians have most of the power because of our incredible stupidity in Iraq). But by all reports, President Bush is more convinced than ever of his righteousness.

Friends of his from Texas were shocked recently to find him nearly wild-eyed, thumping himself on the chest three times while he repeated "I am the president!"

Yes, it's another classic for the old Dictionary of Quotations...





See you next week!

-- EarlG

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

1. Thompson didn't just play a Lt. Col.

He also played Admiral Painter in "The Hunt for Red October". He was pretty good in it, too.

[EarlG]

2. I know he's played other military officers

Was just pointing out that the closest Fred Thompson got to Vietnam was China Beach.

[Hissyspit]

4. Define "pretty good."

He plays the same damn character in everything he's ever been in.

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

5. I've never seen him in anything else.

So I'll take your word for that. But for the five minutes Thompson was on screen in Red October, he was believable and reasonably entertaining. Of course, if I'd known more about his political career at the time, I probably would have enjoyed the movie a whole lot less.

[madhoosier]

37. On the TV series Wise Guy

On the TV series Wiseguy Fred portrayed the charcter Knox Pooley, a white supremacist.

Here’s an article from the L.A. Times June 2nd about the roll;

http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/celebrity/la-et-cause4may04,0,7619805.story

Here’s part of a speech from Pooley quoted in the Times article;

"You've asked yourself that same question, haven't you?" he says, standing in front of a banner decorated with a cross resembling the emblem of the racist Christian Identity movement. "When you've lost that job on the construction site or the loading dock, a job you've had for 20 years to someone who can't speak the language but who is willing to work for $2.50 an hour?"

He gets the crowd chanting: "Who's to blame? Who's to blame?"

"Who are these enemies?" he asks the crowd. "Some folks say it's the Jews. In fact, if I had a quarter for every time I heard that, I would be 10 bucks shy of being Jewish myself."

[wakeme2008]

3. Bad EarlG

EarlG :spank:

I thought that looked like a "Purity Ball" picture and was going to comment on it, then I check the name of the picture and it was :rofl:

[knitter4democracy]

6. And their craziness knows no bounds.

Seriously, this list gets nuttier every week.

Thanks for the laughs, though. I needed them tonight. :)

[Canuckistanian]

7. Yee-Haw! Another one hit out of the park!

I enjoyed that, thanks, EarlG.

[tavalon]

8. Republican branding?

Okay, I can get with that one! :woohoo: I'll heat up my irons. :evilgrin:

[tavalon]

19. Also known as

enhanced interrogation techniques.

[Mugsy]

9. Could you just picture Thompson's "wife" as First Lady???

Good grief, what a bimbo! :)

"First Lady... of the Evening" I believe would be the porn-movie title.

[mac56]

24. You're referring to "The Thompson Twins", I believe.

:evilgrin:

[grace0418]

38. LOL! Can you come to my office and give me the heimlich now?

:D

[mac56]

39. Wonder if he's nicknamed them "Law" and "Order".

[badgerpup]

10. K & R

Thanks, EarlG!
:applause::yourock:



:kick:

[SQinAZ]

11. #2 - Can't help myself!

[SQinAZ]

14. This is WAY too easy!

[EstimatedProphet]

30. OK, where's the t-shirt generator?

Give us a link

[SQinAZ]

47. Sorry...

...I did those in PhotoShop.

[AllyCat]

33. hahaha

Welcome to DU! Those are great shirts. Where can we get them?

[provis99]

12. wasn't Thompson involved in the Nixon investigation?

As far as I recollect, he was the clown who inadvertently helped deep six the Nixon presidency by asking Butterfield if Nixon taped himself. At least the dope has struck one blow for our side, albeit by screwing up.

[Initech]

13. Ha ha... those GOP shirts are hilarious!

:rofl:

Hey Earl G - we should have a random GOP shirt generator similar to the church sign one. That would be hilarious!

[Endangered Specie]

15. typo on #3

"I hate to break it to the House Majority Leader"


shouldn't that be Minority Leader?

[SeattleGirl]

17. I saw that too, ES.

And yes, I believe it should be Minority Leader.

[EarlG]

25. Oops

Thanks :thumbsup:

[19jet54]

16. BUSH IS THE #1 IDIOT

of all time :rofl: I just love your bottom picture!

[SeattleGirl]

18. Once again, well done, EarlG!

I love the t-shirts! :rofl:

[Jim Lane]

20. Minor correction on Holsinger (#4)

His given name -- well, I guess I should say, his Christian name -- is James, not Joseph. See his .

Also, while his gay-bashing ideology certainly merits reporting, we might also mention his incompetence as a public health administrator. During his stint as the chief medical director of the Department of Veterans Affairs, there were major problems with the quality of care provided for the veterans.

[EarlG]

27. It's been fixed

Thank you.

[guyanakoolaid]

21. You missed Tim Griffin!

C'mon, Earl, don't join the rest of the media "reporters" ignoring what's going down in Washington. Tim Griffin, handpicked successor to the US Attorney position in Arkansas, WENT DOWN, Conyers doesn't look to be be letting up, and Rove and Gonzalez both could fall. But Griffin resigning deserved a mention. Otherwise, of course, thanks for the hard work.

[AllyCat]

34. Can only do 10 of them and goes by popular vote

And there are always so MANY, how do we pick only TEN??? It's tough, but that is the list nonetheless, even missing such deserving folks as Griffin.

You can nominate by sending a link/email each week to the Top10 list.

Welcome to DU! :hi:

[orleans]

22. is this a sex thread? i mean, "tits up," "butt sex," "dickhead,"

"the size of his sack"?

(of course, you should hear how i talk!)

great post. great picture of the fuckhead with his new phrase.

p.s. can you get the spell check to automatically approve the word "fuckhead" so i don't always have to hit ignore all. and while we're at it--better make "dickhead" a correctly spelled word too.

[SQinAZ]

48. I think it would be great...

...if they could set it up so that if you typed in "Republican", that word would automatically be replaced with "Richard Cranium".

You get it, right? Richard = Dick. Cranium = Head. And no censorship for typing "dickhead" yourself. :)

[Bookster]

23. In fairness to Thompson....

Not to make too big a deal out of it, but at least according
to IMDB and Wikipedia, Thompson met his second wife 11 years
after he and his first wife divorced and then married her
several years after that.  

That doesn't mean I'm going to VOTE for him, just that he's
got a long way to go before he catches up with, say, Newt
Gingrich in this particular branch of the Ick Department.

Bookster

[Buzz Clik]

28. Yeah, he had to wait for her to become legal age for marriage.

[RetroLounge]

29. Of course he waited 11 years

He couldn't marry a 10 year old, could he?

:eyes:

RL

[Bookster]

35. Actually she was 29

...when they met and 35 when they married, which is I believe above the age of consent in all states. That doesn't change the fact she is still 25 years his junior, but the implication that he left his wife of 25 years *for* this woman is misleading. (He may very well have left his wife of 25 years for some other sweet young thing, but probably not for this particular sweet young thing.)

[Buzz Clik]

41. "35 (years old) when they married, which is above the age of consent". True, but not funny.

Why let facts get in the way of a good story?

[Buzz Clik]

26. Wayne Allard. Holy crapoli!

"First responders in Colorado have recently provided critical services in the face of blizzards and tornados," added Allard. "Since I don't think first responders have really done anything significant in comparison to their counterparts who have dealt with real natural disasters, I have no idea what else to say here..."

Allard has got to stop hiring his writers from JeffR's list of DUzy winners.

[JackintheGreen]

31. Waaaaaaiiiit a second! Gayness "may complicate pregnancy"?

I thought it was all the doughnuts I was eating.

[Heywood J]

32. That last picture is so true.

It's like something out of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. He's lost it, probably some time ago. No other president in history has ever even seemed like they would do that - even Ronnie in his later years.

Amendment XXVIII

Section 1. No person whose lineage includes Prescott Bush shall ever hold public office.

Section 2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

[happygoluckytoyou]

36. 10 REASONS TO LOVE FRED THOMPSON

10. He is a better actor than Arnold
9. At least you know he doesn't like little BOYS
8. He campaigns in Tennessee by introducing her as "my wife and daughter"
7. Wife is cuter than the Bush twins
6. Whitehouse will host annual Easter Egg Hunt and Wet T-Shirt Contest (any of those displayed in this top 10 are forbidden)
5. First Lady renamed to the Virgin Jeri
4. ONCE AGAIN replacing the position to which AL GORE has been elected
3. President could do his own voiceovers
2. He won't be getting any blowjobs from interns
1. When he introduces his "wife of 15 years"... we will know what he means

[ejbr]

40. Wow Earl...simply WOW

So many idiots, so little time.

How about for #2 Gullible Obtuse Party? For those diehard non-thinking schmucks.

#3 Wymer? No suprise here. Don't you have to be a non-thinking schmuck to be a republican nowadays?

#10 shocked? His friends were "shocked"...again, don't you have to be a non-thinking schmuck to be "shocked" by any asinine thing this fuckwad does?

superb as always earl.

[ContraBass Black]

42. Thompson's wife was well into adulthood when they met and married.

That's a weak spot in a strong column.

[SquireJons]

44. Not really

Since he is such a strong supporter of traditional marriage, leaving your wife of 25 years for a girl younger than your daughter justs drips of hypocrisy. Personally, I think it demonstrates that he is more actor than republican. He's just acting like a republican... and he's a pretty good actor (though completely type cast... just like... you know who)

[SquireJons]

43. "I'm the president!"

According to what I read, bush also "...made it clear that he was setting it up so that the US could not pull out of Iraq after he is no longer president. He would make sure that America fulfilled it's destiny."

Now, if that's true, bush is using his executive power to directly undermine the will of the people and congress. There is no higher crime or misdemeanor than that.

Investigate now!
Impeach Now!!

[Harry Monroe]

45. Dimwit thumping his chest proclaiming "I am the President!!"....

....reminds me of the scene in "Almost Famous" where the William Miller character tells Penny Lane "I am the enemy!!"

Actually that is more appropriate. Bush has become the enemy of what America really stands for.

[eppur_se_muova]

46. Bush's next outburst might look like this ...

I AM THE PRESIDENT! I AM THE DECIDER! I AM THE COMMANDER GUY™!!

[fryguy]

49. "free markets"???

re: #8 - and here I always thought the Republicans decry government regulations in favor of letter industry regulate itself....seems to me the idea of testing all beef IS just that.....