The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 294

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 294

Edited on Tue Jun-12-07 09:16 PM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 294

June 11, 2007
Breaking The News Edition

This week Fox News (1) gets it horribly wrong, Roger Ailes (2) compares himself to Osama bin Laden, and Dennis Milligan (3) wants Americans to die. Elsewhere, Wolf Blitzer (5) talks up a storm, Jean Schmidt (8) gets covered in puke, and George W. Bush (10) is feeling lonely. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Fox News

Last week Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA) was indicted on 16 counts of corruption. Congrats, Republicans! Now you have a single Democratic congressman to balance against the dozens and dozens of crooked GOP officials who've been investigated and indicted in the past couple of years.

If he's guilty, throw the bum out, I say. But it turns out that catching a single Democrat with his hand in the cookie jar (allegedly) wasn't good enough for Fox News. TPM has the video of how they reported the indictment - see if you can spot the deliberate mistake...

Amazing! It seems that Rep. William Jefferson has morphed into Rep. John Conyers, Democratic chairman of the House Judiciary Committee. Easy mistake to make I guess, if you're blind, stupid, or deliberately trying to mislead the public.

Upon realizing their mistake Fox News rushed to correct the error. Here's how, as reported by the New York Sun:

"Yesterday at this time, news of the indictment of Congressman William Jefferson came down. We mistakenly ran the wrong video to accompany this story and we apologize for that error," a Fox anchor, Martha MacCallum, told viewers at about 1:20 p.m. today. The 10-second apology made no reference to Mr. Conyers and did not explain why or how the erroneous video made it to air.

Fair and balanced all the way.

Roger Ailes

Still think Fox News is legit? Last week the company's head, Roger Ailes, blasted the Democratic presidential candidates for their refusal to participate in a show trial, er, I mean, debate, on his so-called news channel.

"The candidates that can't face Fox, can't face Al Qaeda," he said.

Fair point. After all:

They're both run by ideological extremists

They both have a radical following

They're both bent on striking fear into the hearts of the American people

They're both well-versed in the art of propaganda

They both desperately want Republicans in power

They both desperately want the U.S. to stay in Iraq forever

...you get the picture.

Dennis Milligan

Perhaps Fox News should send out a headhunter to snap up Dennis Milligan. Mr. Milligan is the brand new chief of the Arkansas Republican Party, although it's possible that he might not last long in the position if he keeps dropping turds like this:

"At the end of the day, I believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I think all we need is some attacks on American soil like we had on (Sept. 11, 2001)," Milligan said to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, "and the naysayers will come around very quickly to appreciate not only the commitment for President Bush, but the sacrifice that has been made by men and women to protect this country."

Makes you wonder what planet they're from, doesn't it? "Oh, won't somebody please attack America and make our president popular again?"

According to Raw Story:

In his acceptance speech on May 19th, Milligan told his fellow Republicans that it was "time for a rediscovery of our values and our common sense."

Values and common sense like wishing for Americans to die in a terrorist attack so that you can score some political points? Yeah, sounds about right.

Cable News

Last week Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in jail for committing perjury and obstruction of justice during the CIA leak investigation. Judge Reggie B. Walton ordered Libby to surrender to authorities in six to eight weeks time, which could prove politically embarrassing for President Bush, who will not be able to wait if he intends to pardon Libby.

Excuse me, I'm getting a breaking story just in over the wires...

PARIS HILTON BREAKS FINGERNAIL!

HEIRESS GOES INTO SHOCK AFTER MANICURE MISHAP! FANS SEND FLOWERS AFTER LEARNING OF LATEST TRAGEDY!

Sorry, where was I? Ah yes. Defense Secretary Robert Gates has replaced Gen. Peter Pace as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Pace was due to be renominated in September and would have faced confirmation hearings in the Senate. The hearings would no doubt have proved politically awkward for President Bush; Sec. Gates noted at a press conference last week that, "...the focus of his confirmation process would have been on the past, rather than the future, and further, that there was the very real prospect the process would be quite contentious."

Another breaking news story has just arrived on my desk.

PARIS HILTON EATS PANCAKE!

MAID AT HOME OF HOTEL HEIRESS REVEALS THAT HILTON ATE PANCAKE FOR BREAKFAST! FULL REPORT ON MAID'S LIFE HISTORY COMING AFTER THE BREAK!

Uh... in other news, the annual G8 summit in Germany was met by tens of thousands of protesters who attempted to disrupt the meeting of world leaders, at which President Bush was present.

This just in...

PARIS HILTON TAKES DUMP!

PHOTOGRAPHER USING TELESCOPIC LENS WITNESSES HOTEL HEIRESS ENTERING BATHROOM AT L.A. HOME. TELLS REPORTERS, "SHE MUST HAVE BEEN IN THERE FOR A GOOD FIFTEEN MINUTES."

I mean, really.

Wolf Blitzer

Even when the cable news networks have got something serious to talk about, they somehow manage to make a mockery of it.

Take Wolf Blitzer for example, who last week hosted the Democratic presidential debate on CNN, during which he repeatedly cut candidates off and pressed them for simplistic, bumper-sticker responses to complex questions.

One would have been under the impression that Blitzer was trying to hurry the candidates along because of time contraints - if it weren't for the awkward fact that he somehow managed to monopolize most of the time for himself:

I guess 23 hours a day on CNN isn't enough exposure for Wolf.

Glenn Beck

Dennis Kucinich takes a lot of knocks about his appearance from members of the media - and not just from the right-wing. It's unfair but understandable in a culture which expects presidential candidates to look like Gary Cooper, John Wayne, and Clint Eastwood all rolled into one.

But TV's classiest anchor Glenn Beck wasn't content to stick with the elf and leprechaun jokes - according to Media Matters, here's what he had to say about Kucinich last week:

On the June 4 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio show, Glenn Beck said of Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) and his wife, Elizabeth Harper Kucinich: "How did that happen? ... You think it's dope?"

Beck went on to speculate whether she was under the influence of "some sort of ... date rape drug." Beck described the drug he had in mind as "not powerful enough to actually knock you out, but it's powerful enough to, like, make you think that you're not standing next to Dennis Kucinich and making out with him."

Beck continued: "I was thinking cyanide. That would be the only thing that would really dull the senses enough. Even then, your dead body would be like, 'Dennis Kucinich has his tongue in my mouth.'"

So, given his previous comments about Muslims, Jews, and women, has Beck finally gone too far? Hardly. It turns out that Washington Post Radio is thinking about hiring him. Awesome.

Robert Bork

In his 1995 book Trial Lawyers and Other Closet Federalists, Robert Bork wrote:

Our expensive, capricious and unpredictable civil justice systems present precisely the kind of conflicting and costly state regulation of commerce that the Commerce Clause was designed to solve. Lawsuits, verdicts, settlements and the insurance necessary to defend and indemnify against them, are driving up the cost of goods and services everywhere, and consumers are paying the bill. The litigation explosion has no respect for the state lines because commerce and insurance are now national. Interstate commerce and trade have become the principal victims of a runaway liability system.

Courts are now meccas for every conceivable unanswered grievance or perceived injury. Juries dispense lottery-like windfalls, attracting and rewarding imaginative claims and far-fetched legal theories. Today's merchant enters the marketplace with trepidation - anticipating from the civil justice system the treatment that his ancestors experienced with the Barbary pirates.

Yes, Robert Bork has always been a strong supporter of tort reform... right up until last week, when he sued a posh New York social club for $1 million dollars. According to Reuters:

Bork, 80, said the Yale Club in midtown Manhattan failed to provide a handrail or stairs leading to an unreasonably high dais and that he fell as he tried to mount it, hitting his leg on the side of the dais and his head on a heat register.

(snip)

He suffered a hematoma on his left leg that later burst, requiring surgery, extended medical treatment and months of physical therapy, the suit says.

The injuries caused Bork "excruciating pain" and he still walks with a limp, according to the lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in Manhattan.

Ouch. And yet, according to New York Personal Injury Law Blog:

1. This is a routine New York personal injury case. There is nothing particularly exceptional about it from the Complaint other than the plaintiff, a noted conservative jurist who has been part of the American Enterprise Institute, which engages in tort "reform" activities.

2. Since no hospitalization is mentioned, I assume that the surgery for the hematoma was out-patient and may have been a simple drainage of some kind. Perhaps the med-bloggers who visit here can offer up a bit more on what kind of surgery was likely.

3. The Complaint doesn't even come close to explaining why punitive damages would be warranted in such a routine negligence matter. My gut reaction is that it is frivolous.

4. The Complaint asked for attorneys fees. Why? You can't get them in New York for a standard personal injury claim.

5. The Complaint asks for pre-judgment interest. Why? You can't get that here either. Sad, but true. Interest runs from the date of the judgment not from the date of the accident, thereby giving insurance companies a reason to delay litigation as long as possible. Perhaps Judge Bork wants to come with me the next time I lobby the legislature to amend the law to include pre-judgment interest?

6. The Complaint asks for an amount "in excess of $1,000,000" (not merely $1M, but in excess of). Where are the damages for making such a huge demand?

I wonder what happened to Robert Bork, staunch opponent of frivolous lawsuits? I guess he must have heard somewhere that "juries dispense lottery-like windfalls," and thought he could get in on the action.

Jean Schmidt

This one's a few weeks old but having just found out about it, I really think it deserves a mention. From The Politico:

Meanwhile, today on the Hill, Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio) was seen making a spectacle of herself when the unlucky lawmaker slipped and fell in what we're told was vomit, in a bathroom in Cannon. ... "She made THE biggest scene in the hallway," says a staffer who escaped the, um, regurgitation. "It's literally all down her back."

Eww.

Answers In Genesis

Back in Idiots 272 I noted that the fundy nutjobs at Answers In Genesis were on the verge of opening a "Creation Museum" in Kentucky. Well the deed has been done, and the Creation Museum is open for business! What's it all about? From their website:

The state-of-the-art 60,000 square foot museum brings the pages of the Bible to life, casting its characters and animals in dynamic form and placing them in familiar settings. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. Children play and dinosaurs roam near Eden's Rivers. The serpent coils cunningly in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Majestic murals, great masterpieces brimming with pulsating colors and details, provide a backdrop for many of the settings.

Sounds cool! What else you got?

You will find our dinosaurs living in our gardens and sauntering throughout our exhibit halls. These eye-blinking, mouth-chewing, tail-swinging creatures may startle a few of our guests. Children will be excited to see the variety of sculpted dinosaurs in our collection, including the stegosaur, dilophosaur, and of course, the giant Tyrannosaurus rex! They can saddle up on our triceratops and have their picture taken with a dinosaur.

Awesome! Just like Jesus on Palm Sunday.

Unfortunately there was a slight hiccup during grand opening week - according to the Associated Press:

Creation Museum Actor Owns Porn Site

The man picked as Adam by a museum based on the Bible's version of Earth's history led quite a different life outside the Garden of Eden, flaunting his sexual exploits online and modeling for a line of clothing with an explicit mascot.

Registration records show that Eric Linden, who portrays Adam taking his first breath in a film at the newly opened Creation Museum, owns a graphic Web site called Bedroom Acrobat. He has been pictured there, smiling alongside a drag queen, in a T-shirt brandishing the site's sexually suggestive logo.

Linden, a graphic designer, model and actor, also sells clothing for SFX International, whose initials appear on clothing to spell "SEX" from afar and serve as an abbreviation for its mascot, who promotes "free love," "pleasure" and "Thrillz."

(snip)

The museum's operators, informed Thursday by The Associated Press of Linden's online appearances, acted swiftly to suspend airing of the 40-second video in which he appeared. The clip is one of 55 featured on tours of the museum, in Petersburg, Ky., which tells what organizers call, the Bible's version of Earth's history.

"We are currently investigating the veracity of these serious claims of his participation in projects that don't align with the biblical standards and moral code upon which the ministry was founded," Answers for Genesis spokesman Mark Looy said in an e-mail statement.

(snip)

"For the Creation Museum, I did what I did as an actor. It doesn't necessarily mean I believe in evolution or a believe in creation," Linden said. "I'm hired to get a point across. On the flip side, if I was hired to play a murderer, that doesn't mean I'd go out and kill somebody. It's make-believe."

Humans and dinosaurs living together in perfect harmony is make-believe? Say it ain't so!

George W. Bush

And finally, Newsweek reported last week that:

Gas prices may be up, but there's something that's apparently a little cheaper these days: A photo with President Bush. Yesterday, Bush headlined a fundraiser for the New Jersey state GOP, where donors could pay $5,000 to pose for a photo with the Commander in Chief.

Expensive photo op, right? Well, that's actually cheaper that what donors paid just a year ago for a grip and grin with Bush. Last summer, GOP officials around the country charged at least $10,000 a pop for presidential photo op, a bargain compared to the $25,000-a-flash Bush commanded during some Republican National Committee fund-raisers back in 2000 and 2004.

Hey, if you think that's bad, wait till the end of next year...

See you next week!

-- EarlG