Is Open Marriage the Modern Couple's Answer to Infidelity? (Sirens Mag., via AlterNet)

[marmar]

Is Open Marriage the Modern Couple's Answer to Infidelity?

By Joslyn Matthews, Sirens Magazine. Posted June 14, 2007.



Why does open marriage work for some married couples and destroy others? The answer could be that for it to work you need to be in an extremely healthy relationship.

When I think about open marriages, I can only conjure a stereotype: deeply unsatisfied adults, most likely going through a mid-life crisis, pathetically searching for hot sex as a solution. You know, key parties, "The Ice Storm." It is difficult for me to think of it as something new or current, or as something my friends would do.

But apparently, I am stuck in the past. Plenty of intelligent, successful, hip people are considering the not-quite-forsaking-all-others option on 'til-death-do-us-part. And by now, most women are familiar with the statistic heard 'round the world, publicized in an article in "The New York Times" in January. At this time in our history, for the first time ever, there are more women living that are single than are married. Women are staying single. Couples are divorcing. Marriage isn't entirely working, at least for a subset of the population. So could non-monogamous coupling be the answer?

To look into that very question, I created a Personals profile on Nerve.com, a site that encourages candid dialog about sex through blogs, feature stories, fiction and photography. I became, for the purposes of this story, a woman looking for fun times with couples (man and woman)--yes, this is a check-box option there--and thus was permitted to peruse through other similar profiles. I found dozens upon dozens of couples, some married, some attached, some who preferred not to say, but most of whom claimed to be healthy, happy, stable and just looking for cool people to hang out with who didn't mind getting naked at the end of the night.

By observation, most Nerve couples seemed to be in their mid-20s to mid-30s and most were Caucasian (profiles that included a photo were available for viewing first). Like any other dating site, people seemed to come from a range of incomes, occupations, and cities across the country, including Oregon, Wisconsin, Texas, Illinois, Connecticut, New York, and Massachusetts. The couples were open to meeting other couples, and other single women, but few sought to bring a single man into the dating scenario. (I sent emails to six couples explaining that I was looking for input on the topic of this story, but I haven't had any responses.)

Although it is slippery by definition, open marriage is generally considered a committed marital relationship between two people who, under a set of mutually-agreed upon rules, engage in sexual encounters with various partners other than their spouse. According to those who care, it should not be confused with polyamory, a lifestyle that promotes multiple romantic relationships between any combinations of people at the same time. Old or new, middle-aged or Midtown, the questions that hover around the issue of open marriage are, "Can it work?" and "Is it sustainable?" ....(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.alternet.org/sex/54062/

[Warpy]

1. I've seen more fail than succeed

probably because open marriage is never suggested when the marriage is healthy. Eventually the couple is left looking at each other and wondering why they bother. Staying nominally together for the kids by providing each other with the freedom to seek other sexual outlets might be a laudable aim, but it doesn't seem to work any better than retreating into stony silence and frustration does.

Plus, the participants run the serious risk of falling in love outside the marriage, a real marriage buster.

While I can't bring myself to criticise people who try to find a way to deal with their still strong sex drives in a marriage gone stale and flat, I just haven't seen it work for the long haul for the majority who try it. I wish them luck, though, because they'll need it.

[Stuckinthebush]

9. I haven't

The ones where it starts from a desire to do something about a failing marriage do fail. That has nothing to do with the open lifestyle but more with a poor marriage from the start. It might have been a last ditch effort but the marriage was doomed to failure anyway.

Where there is no trust and no communication, then the open lifestyle is a disaster waiting to happen.

Where there is great trust, a strong bond, good communication, and love, then the open marriage is very possibly a relationship strengthening tool.

It's not for everyone, but it does seem to work for many.

[GreenPartyVoter]

2. It's not for me.

[Demeter]

3. I Truly Cannot Fathom This

I see nothing it it for any of the parties. It seems to define psychopathic.

[Stuckinthebush]

26. There is a lot in it for both people

safe, secure exploration of normal sexual desires - open communication - enhanced communication - enhanced love and commitment.

A psychopathic person is one with extreme mental illness who has trouble functioning, many time has episodes of delusions, and can be anti-social. Couples in open marriages are anything but psychopathic. They have simply decided to try a new path that in many cases strengthens their relationships. Many people are shocked by it because it goes against the norms of society. This doesn't make it wrong or psychopathic, but it does make it threatening to some.

[raccoon]

40. I can't understand it either. I mean, then why get married in the first place? nt

[Arkansas Granny]

4. I have known a few couples who considered themselves to be in

an open marriage. None of them are still a couple today. I couldn't say if the open marriage concept had anything to do with their breakup or if it was bound to happen anyway.

[raccoon]

5. My guess is most open marriages aren't that happy to begin with.

The couples are probably staying together because they don't want to divide the assets.

[Stuckinthebush]

7. Some are...some aren't

Just like any group there is diversity. Many do seem to have incredible relationships and that is the key to success.

[Stuckinthebush]

6. I've known quite a few in this lifestyle

the successful ones are the ones with strong relationships to begin with. Many have been doing it for years and years...in fact I know one couple who has been doing this for 10 years with no problem.

Sure there are those who can't do it, and it all comes down to communication and understanding of sex and sexuality in your relationship.

For those who have that strong bond, a high level of trust, and an understanding that sex is sex and love is love then open marriages seem to be very fulfilling and have actually strengthened the marriages.

But just like everything, it's not for everyone. I've seen couples who actually try it to resurrect their marriage. Well that is just plain stupid. If you don't have trust or the strong bond, then it is doomed to fail.

Of the successful couples who I know doing this, not one has ever confused love with sex nor was looking for love.

I think that our society has created this unnatural monogamous sex situation that more times than not results in infidelity because humans are sexual animals and will naturally look to explore. The open marriage arrangement addresses this and helps couples see that their desire isn't wrong, but any deception would be. They both can explore their desires together with ground rules and continued love and commitment to one another.

For the right people, it seems to be a great option.

(edited to clarify statement about monogamous marriage)

[qazplm]

8. I'm not sure monogamy is "unnatural"

it's a pretty common situation in the natural world.

it's generally used when there is extended child rearing necessary.

I think an open marriage working is the exception, not the rule.

[Stuckinthebush]

11. Perhaps monogamy is the wrong word

monogamy is standard, yes...but sexual desire does not stop at the monogamous relationship. That is what I meant. I think the confusion of sex with love is the problem. Yes, love intensifies sex but to deny the sexual desires can be problematic. The unnatural statement was meant to apply to sexual desire for only one.

As for open marriage working being the exception rather than the rule, I wouldn't go as far to say that it works in a only a small minority of cases. "Working" needs to be defined. Some couples get into it for a very brief time, see that it opens up communication, and then decide that they do not wish to be involved anymore. Does this mean it didn't work? I'd say no. If you define not working as in resulting in divorce or broken marriages, then I would say that is not the case.

[PixieDust]

12. It can work with the right people

I am in an open poly relationship and have been for more than 10 years and am proof that it works. But it is not an easy relationship. It takes tons of work, and open, honest communication, all the time with all partners involved. You have to know yourself, and not be afraid to take long, hard critical looks at yourself. As a poly person, I can say that you learn to be quite selfless and giving, while still receiving so much in return. We have our tough times, but it always seems to bring us closer together. I wouldn't trade it for the world. And for the record, there are three children, ranging from 7-15, in our current group, and they are fab kids. It gives more love and stability to their lives as well. Just my two cents.

[Stuckinthebush]

13. Poly is a different animal than open...

but that is great that it is working for you! I can imagine that such a relationship takes strong individuals who constantly are critically analyzing their feelings, beliefs and relationship. This probably has the result of creating very tight bonds.

[Darth_Kitten]

23. Kids want stability and normalcy.......

who has time to attend to the children if all their parents are busy finding new partners? :shrug:

[Stuckinthebush]

25. Well polyamorous and long-term open marriage couples

aren't spending all of their time running around looking for multiple partners. In polyamory, it is my understanding that it takes a long time to find the right partners and there is true love and commitment between them all. They aren't looking for other partners in those relationships and there are more adults to work with children. Sounds like a win-win!

Long term couples in open marriages aren't spending all of their time running around looking for new partners either. There are many different types of individuals from all walks of life in these types of relationships. There are also some incredible parents.

[Darth_Kitten]

27. I disagree, these parents can't be that committed to their own children...

how much time are they really spending with their kids, what with several partners to attend to and please?

How about the kids feelings in all this? We live in a society where if the parents think their needs are being met, their children are happy. Maybe the children have a different take on things.

[Stuckinthebush]

28. And maybe they don't

We can speculate all day long.

What we do know is that polyamorous people are not running around looking for more partners. One can speculate that kids benefit by having multiple loving adults looking after them.

[PixieDust]

29. If someone is selfish enough

to not take care of their kids in the first place, then they are not likely to succeed in an open relationship, whichever way they choose. I have a 15 yo son, and he is one of the most well-adjusted, mature young men I have ever met, and I'm not saying that just because he's mine. All of the kids in our group (and we do not all live together) know that we all love each other, and more importantly, love them, and will ALWAYS be there for them. We have open, honest, age-appropriate communcations with the kids, which tends to not be the case in most households. If anything, our kids are more understanding and compassionate than most their ages. They know, all of them, that no matter what, there will always be someone there for them that loves them, and they can confide in and learn from, and that they always come first. We love our kids just as much as you do.

[Demeter]

32. It Truly Sounds Like This Kind of Person Is Too Selfish To Have Children

or to keep them.

[Skittles]

35. why be married?

isn't that the real problem - people pressured to be married?

[Stuckinthebush]

36. Perhaps...but marriage is much more than sex

there are many reasons to be married...love, desire to build a family, companionship.

Open relationships are simply relationships that acknowledge the need in some people to explore sexually. The other parts of marriage are the same.

[Skittles]

37. you can do all that without being married

yup

[Stuckinthebush]

39. Very, very true

no doubt...marriage is not a necessary institution.

[Marrah_G]

10. I know a few open marriages

Some work really well, others, not so much. It's the couples that are truly open and honest AND take their partners feelings into consideration FIRST that make it.

Needless to say it is not an easy lifestyle and takes alot more communication and work then a "normal" marriage and some very emotionally stable people.

I've tried it, it wasn't for me. My best friend has a poly -marriage and it works out very well for all involved. It took a long time to find the right mix of personalities though and many mistakes before getting it right.

[Paranoid Pessimist]

14. I had one. It ended, but not for that reason

What I learned is that, in an open marriage situation, when the wife tells a guy that she is interested in hooking up with that she's in an open marriage, the guy's response is almost invariably "All right!" When I told women that I was in an open marriage, their response was, "Yeah . . . right."

We had a deal that people could call us and ask if it was OK. No one ever called me. Too bad. I had a line, borrowed from the late comedian Henny Youngman: "Take my wife . . . please.

[Demeter]

15. The Answer to Infidelity Is NOT MARRYING in the First Place

Because marriage means you can't have your cake and eat it, too. It means making a good choice and honoring the vows. Marriage is a process, and an Open Marriage is no marriage at all.

[Stuckinthebush]

20. Marriage is so much more than just sex

An open marriage is a marriage that allows sex with others within guidelines and usually together with your partner. Marriage is still marriage. Sex is sex...love is love.

You love your spouse (in a good relationship) more than anything else except perhaps your children. That love is a deep bond. Sex is a physical act that has nothing to do with love. Love may enhance sex, but is not the end all be all in marriage. In fact, I know many marriages that have no sex in them at all. The couples still love one another dearly.

[Demeter]

33. Why Not Just Call It Joint Tenants With Rights Of Survivorship

and let marriage have a distinct definition?

[Stuckinthebush]

34. What distinction would that be

It is really a contract isn't it? What other distinction would you give it?

[raccoon]

41. Maybe for some people that's true,

"Sex is sex...love is love."

I don't think MOST women separate sex and love so neatly. NOT ALL men do either.

[Withywindle]

42. But the nature of the marriage vows is determined by the people who make them.

There's nothing about the nature of establishing an (ideally) lifelong bond with somone that *necessarily* means you *have* to vow to never have sex with anyone else again. I guess I just don't see that strong a connection between commitment (i.e., putting that person first, thinking of them as your nearest kin, intending that bond to last for life) and exclusivity. I don't think the latter is necessary if the partners don't want it, and I would never include it in my own vows.

[yurbud]

16. I read something in my mom's Cosmo about this when I was a kid in 70s, and was traumatized for life

people forget that there's more than just a bored upper middle class couple in the mix.

Also, even the most cold-blooded partner can't guarantee that there will be no feelings for any of their third party shtupps or that they might be drawn out of their marriage.

I appreciate that all the cultural norms were tested in the 60s and 70s, rather than being accepted as a matter of course, but one of the reasons for crossing the lines is to figure out when you've gone too far.

[Chalco]

17. Barf

[Stuckinthebush]

19. Why barf?

:shrug:

I assume you mean "not for me".

[kimmylavin]

18. May work for some...

... but not for me.

If I wanted to have sex with other partners, I would have just stayed single. :)

For me, I meant all those things in my vows about forsaking all others.
And it helps that I married a man with whom I was wildly sexually compatible. :)
But an open marriage would not work for me.

However, I don't begrudge any for whom it works...

[Darth_Kitten]

21. That fact that most don't want to bring a single man into the equation.....

seems quite telling.

I'll wager the situation isn't so fun when it's the woman who gets to amass the small harem. ;)

[Stuckinthebush]

24. Well the long-term couples don't have harems

The ones who start off with the guy saying that he can be with any single woman he wants but his wife can't don't last long because they have other issues and some crappy communication usually. Also these individuals are not looked upon highly in the lifestyle.

Many times you find women as the catalyst for the lifestyle. Also, it is quite common in the situations where the man was the catalyst for the lifestyle that the woman becomes very into it.

For the open marriage/lifestyle to work, there must be a sense of equality in the relationship and strong communication.

[supernova]

43. Noticed that too D_K

Most men have the fantasy of enjoying two women but you don't find that many situations where there are two or more men and one woman. And I'm speaking strictly about western society. I realize other cultures have other arrangements.

As for me, I don't think I'd enjoy an open marriage. I'd either want to be married or single and multi-dating. I don't have the energy for more than one intimate relationship at a time anyhow.

For now, I'm single.

[bedpanartist]

22. ahh, a boobie sandwich, with me as the lunchmeat

yeah!

[bleedingheart]

30. I think a successful open marriage is rare

I think that once you cross the line and you start to have sex with someone else outside your marriage the risk of ruining your marriage go up ten fold....

Let us say that you have a happy couple who tries this...

Let us say that Mrs. X meets a guy at work..they always got along...he is attractive..they work together...and then she uses the "open marriage" clause to take up with this fellow... Let us say it is all okay with Mr. X because she is honest with him..but what happens when the guy at work is getting more attention and perhaps fulfilling her needs both emotionally and sexually more than her husband and she stops trying with her husband and now she is left comparing what she has with Mr. X against the guy at work???

You can't tell me that would work...

[Stuckinthebush]

31. In that situation it wouldn't work

but that is not a typical situation. It is rare for couples to 'date' who they want. Most couples find couples who are in committed relationships to be partners.

The typical open situation works like this:

Mr. X and Ms. X have a long-term happy marriage. They are both very sexual people and have a progressive view of sex and sexuality. They decide to try the open marriage/lifestyle to see how it would fit them. They develop rules (no taking one for the team, always play together, etc.) and they begin to meet others who are in the lifestyle. Mr. X and Ms. X have some good experiences and not so good experiences. They have found new things out about each others' wants and desires, and find that they are more open with each other in all aspects of their life. They find a few couples who are also in the lifestyle and become good friends with them and every now and then will go out with them, have dinner, laugh, talk, and maybe engage in sexual activities. Mr. Y and Ms. Y meet Mr. X and Ms. X and they hit it off as great friends. The Xs and Ys both have strong marriages and are not seeking to replace their spouses. They have a great friendship, share good times and bad times as friends do, and every now and then they may do more together.

That works for many.

[Prophet 451]

38. Works for us

My partner and I have been together for coming up on six years now and it works for us. Admittedly, we don't have kids and that might make a difference but we've had no problems with it.

Really, it just seems like one of those things that work for some people and not for others.

[Veronica.Franco]

44. Honesty has to be the key ...

Do you guys have any rules? ... I have a couple of friends who tried this until SHE found out that her husband was shagging one of her closest friends without telling her ... she felt betrayed all the way around ... the woman was smiling at her over the table and rubbing her foot against her husband's groin under the table ... I don't think so ... it all blew right up in their faces ...

[Prophet 451]

46. We got a few rules

Most of them are pretty common sense:
Always, always, always use rubbers.
Nobody too "close" (something that really only we would understand, it means not close friends 'cos that would just get too weird and incestuous). Example: I'm barred from shagging her best friend, she's barred from shagging my best mate (and occasional fuck buddy) although she wouldn't anyway (really not her type).
No lying. We don't have to tell one another but we must not lie if asked.
Keep it at "just" sex. This is another one which makes sense to us but probably wouldn't to anyone else. Both of us have this view that sex doesn't have to be a hearts+flowers thing, it can just be two (or more) bodies making each other feel good. So fuck-buddies is fine, bonking acquintances or friends is fine but try not to let it develop into a romantic (rather than just sexual or friendship) bond. Like I said, that might only make sense to us and I'm probably not explaining it over well.

[Trillo]

45. Marriage finances are much like corporations.

Within that analogy, corporations can marry as many other corporations as they see fit, sharing their income and expenses, and people seem to applaud that.

When talking of human marriage of more than two people, and sometimes even just two people, the conversation usually devolves to sex discussion.

Curiously, corporations don't have sex, only greed. The people have lost. A.long.time.ago.

The concept of marriage (more than two people) finances, sharing income and expenses, and shuffling tax liabilities to a single 'entity', as corporations do, must never be spoken of. Keep the people's discussion about SEX.