The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 299

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 299

Edited on Mon Jul-16-07 12:46 PM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 299

July 16, 2007
Screwing Not Just The Country But Also Prostitutes Edition

The Bush Administration (1,2,3,4) manages to claim the top four slots this week despite David Vitter's (5) brothel shenanigans. Elsewhere, John McCain (8) thinks his sweaters are "gay," Sanjay Gupta (9) shills to pay the bills, and since I couldn't fit it all in this week, The Best Of The Rest (10) rounds out the list. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

The Bush Administration

We're gonna hunt 'em down! We're gonna smoke 'em out of their caves! We're gonna get 'em dead or alive!

So, 4,000 dead and 25,000 wounded U.S. troops and hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars later, how's that going? According to a report by the Associated Press last week:

U.S. intelligence analysts have concluded al-Qaida has rebuilt its operating capability to a level not seen since just before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, The Associated Press has learned. The conclusion suggests that the group that launched the most devastating terror attack on the United States has been able to regroup along the Afghan-Pakistani border despite nearly six years of bombings, war and other tactics aimed at crippling it.

But... but... I thought we were fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here? Are you trying to tell me that everything George W. Bush has done since 9/11/01, including his entire four-and-a-half-year-long occupation of Iraq, has been a complete waste of time? Surely this can't be true! Because if that were the case, he would have to be the worst, most ineffective leader in the history of the world.

Curiously, just before that report was leaked Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff revealed he had a "gut feeling" that America would be attacked this summer, although he didn't raise the color-coded terror threat level. (What the hell happened to that thing anyway? Oh, that's right, they didn't need it after the 2004 elections.)

"I believe we are entering a period this summer of increased risk," Chertoff told the Chicago Tribune's editorial board in an unusually blunt and frank assessment of America's terror threat level. "Summertime seems to be appealing to them," he said of al-Qaida.

Well sure, summertime is appealing to everyone. Why not al Qaeda as well?

But pay no attention to Chertoff's gut. The next day...

A White House spokesman said Wednesday there is "no credible intelligence" of a specific terrorist attack in the U.S. in the near future, despite Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff's comment that he has a "gut feeling" the nation faces an increased terrorist danger this summer.

Which prompted Chertoff to announce that...

U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said on Thursday the threat to the United States from al Qaeda has not returned to levels seen just before the September 11 attacks nearly six years ago.

Following this? If not, I'll break it down for you.

The invasion of Iraq has made the world a safer place - we're fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here, and we're winning, and winning means achieving victory, but we cannot cut and run because the insurgency is in its last throes and if we waver they'll come here to fight us like they already are even though we're not wavering. They're dead enders and Baathists and foreign fighters and Islamofascists and they're the exact same people who attacked us on September-The-Eleventh, and we know they're coming because we have a gut feeling, except there's no credible evidence and they aren't coming here after all, except they probably are. And if they do, just remember that we warned you. But they won't, because we're winning and the bottom line is that the world is better off without Saddam Hussein. So bring it on.

The Bush Administration

If only Michael Chertoff could have seen this in his gut:

Undercover Congressional investigators set up a bogus company and obtained a license from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission in March that would have allowed them to buy the radioactive materials needed for a so-called dirty bomb.

The investigators, from the Government Accountability Office, demonstrated once again that the security measures put in place since the 2001 terrorist attacks to prevent radioactive materials from getting into the wrong hands are insufficient, according to a G.A.O. report, which is scheduled to be released at a Senate hearing Thursday.

(snip)

The bomb the investigators could have built would not have caused widespread damage or even high-level contamination. But it still could have had serious consequences, particularly economic ones, in any city where it was set off.

The undercover operation involved an application from a fake construction company, supposedly based in West Virginia, that the investigators had incorporated even though it had no offices, Internet site or employees. Its only asset was a postal box.

Oh well, looks like it's time to invade the Government Accountability Office. Let's roll!

The Bush Administration

Last week the White House released an "Initial Benchmark Assessment Report" intended to gauge the progess of Our Great Leader's Manly Surge. http://thinkprogress.org/2007/07/12/iraq-bechmarks-report">According to Think Progress:

The New York Times reports the document as "finding some progress on political and security goals in Iraq." The Washington Post says progress "has been mixed." Similarly, the AP finds "mixed progress."

According to National Security Network (NSN), however, there's nothing mixed about the situation in Iraq; that is purely White House report spin. The NSN explained, the "benchmarks claimed as 'satisfactory' ... demonstrate minimal progress, not achievement" and "others have been achieved on the surface, but fail to accomplish the overall purpose of the specific measurement."

If you think that sounds bad, don't be fooled - it's "cause for optimism," silly! That's because the Bush administration is made up of "glass half full" types, particularly if the glass is half full of someone else's blood.

Here's what CNN's Michael Ware had to say about the White House's cautious optimism:

The authors of this report are far more generous than I would ever be. For example, they suggested there's been satisfactory progress in the area of sectarian violence. It's quite a stunning claim ... Here in Baghdad, they're finding less bodies on the streets each morning tortured and executed. But we're still talking about five or six hundred each month. ... It almost dishonors the suffering of the Iraqi people to say that.

Come on Michael - I know you've been living in Baghdad for the past four years, but be fair. The Bush administration has got a "gut feeling" that the surge is going to work. Isn't that enough?

The Bush Administration

Heh, remember when that lovable prankster George W. Bush said, "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator," and the press thought it was so cute and funny? Psst... he wasn't joking.

The Senate is still trying to investigate the U.S. Attorney firings and corruption at the Justice Department, so last week Our Great Leader decided to help out by ordering his former counsel Harriet Miers to ignore a Judiciary Committee subpoena, citing executive privilege. Meanwhile, former Rove aide Sara Taylor assured senators that George W. Bush knew nothing at all about the U.S. Attorney firings but, er, executive privilege prevented her from saying anything else about the conversations he didn't have and wasn't involved in.

Taylor also told Senators that, "I took an oath to the president, and I take that oath very seriously," to which Patrick Leahy replied, "Did you mean, perhaps, you took an oath to the Constitution?"

And in a related story, the House committee investigating the death of Pat Tillman has hit a roadblock - you guessed it, the Bush adminstration is refusing to turn over documents, citing executive privilege.

With his stubborn insistence that "when the president does it that means it's not illegal" and his Nixon-like approval ratings, one wonders whether George has started talking to the paintings yet.

David Vitter

Last week Sen. Vitter (R-Obviously) preemptively outed himself in the DC Madam scandal, saying that he'd "sinned" and he was "sorry" for frolicking with prostitutes but, er, pay no attention because God and his wife have already forgiven him (although his wife may have cut off his wiener). Soon afterwards, a New Orleans brothel revealed that Vitter used to be a regular client.

But let's move along. Why not? I heard several pundits last week (I'm looking at you, Tucker Carlson) claiming that this is a non-story because, c'mon people, it's a private matter. Allow me to demonstrate the fallacy of this argument.

1. Not newsworthy:

2. Newsworthy:

But of course you can't expect Tucker Carlson to know anything about news - after all, he only hosts his own cable news show.

Sure, "Local Man Purchases Sex From Prostitute" may not be much of a headline - unless the man in question happens to be a man who's spent his entire career touting his solid pro-family credentials, arguing in favor of abstinence, proposing Constitutional amendments to "protect traditional marriage," and who demanded Bill Clinton's resignation during the Lewinksy scandal. If it's that local man, then one could argue that repeatedly cheating on his wife with a series of hookers might be fair game for discussion. (By the way, did I mention the diaper fetish?)

Funnily enough, David Vitter also happens to be southern regional chair of the Giulani presidential campaign. And what does Rudy think of Vitter's dalliances? In a sort of bizarre Möbius strip of hypocrisy, the thrice-married adulterer said last week, "Some people disappoint you."

No doubt. So let's see. First Giulani's state campaign chairman for South Carolina was indicted for distributing cocaine (see Idiots 296), then his Lowcountry chairman was revealed to have called the NAACP the "national association of retarded people" (see Idiots 297), and now his southern regional chair has been caught not merely with his pants down, but with his diaper on.

Perhaps this is all just a ploy to make Bernie Kerik look good.

Bob Allen

John McCain's campaign may be going downhill fast, but they sure as hell aren't going to let themselves fall behind in the GOP Presidential Campaign Sexual Indiscretion Sweepstakes (winner gets to go on an all-expenses-paid cruise with Bob Livingstone, Newt Gingrich, Mark Foley, Dan Burton, John Fund, Bill O'Reilly, and Don Sherwood.) Last week one of McCain's Florida co-chairs was arrested for... well, I'll let the Washington Post explain:

McCain got more bad news yesterday. A Florida co-chair for his campaign was arrested on Wednesday after offering to perform oral sex on an undercover officer, the Associated Press reported.

State Rep. Bob Allen, 48, allegedly propositioned the officer after coming out of a bathroom at a park in Titusville. He was charged with solicitation for prostitution, for which he could be jailed for up to a year, the AP reported. Allen has denied guilt and called the charges "an ugly and unpleasant situation."

Indeed. In fact, one could argue that this is a real blow to the McCain campaign. A-ha-ha.

David Almond

All of which raises the question, "Is State Rep. David Almond (R-NC) working for a GOP presidential campaign, and if not, why not?!?!?" Almond resigned from the North Carolina General Assembly last week after the state GOP failed to cover up allegations of "serious, improper behavior."

And what was this serious, improper behavior?" According to Howie Klein at DownWithTyranny:

Impeccable DWT sources tell me he exposed himself in front of a female employee and chased her around the room yelling "Suck it, baby, suck it." It is unclear whether or not there was physical contact. She filed a personnel complaint.

Did I mention that David Almond was a vice chairman of the committee on children, youth and families? Someone tell Mitt Romney that he needs to snap this guy up before Giuliani or McCain get their hands on him!

John McCain

Staying with John McCain for a moment, how's our favorite Bush-hugging old duffer doing in his race for the White House? Not too well I'm afraid - given the current state of play, expect McCain to come out of New Hampshire in a three-way tie for third place, claiming he's got "Johnmentum."

Polls aren't the only problem for McCain - his campaign is running on fumes. At the end of last month he had just $2 million on hand (less than Ron Paul, believe it or not) - and had to fire a large chunk of his campaign staff. More recent reports have put McCain's cash total at just $250,000 - and it's showing. I mean, have you seen the Straight Talk Express this year?

Unfortunately McCain's lack of funds is forcing him into the kind of desperate grassroots campaigning that he'd rather avoid. For example, in an effort to appeal to younger voters McCain's remaining staffers have apparently been forcing the surly senator into some slightly "hipper" garb that he's not too fond of. According to Radar Online:

In the final days of his imploding candidacy, John McCain has taken a page out of Richard Nixon's play book, finding increasingly bizarre explanations for his political failures. Strangest of all: He reportedly feels his handlers forced him to wear "gay sweaters."

According to one insider, the knit-picking was the crescendo of a tirade by the Arizona senator, in which he blistered aides about the minutiae of the campaign. While many septuagenarians live in a perpetual state of sweater weather, McCain reportedly declared his frustration with being told to don the perceived homosexual outerwear in order to look younger and more approachable.

Curious. So is McCain complaining specifically about the sweaters, or in his dotage has he actually started imagining that gay objects are oppressing him from all directions? "Cindy, come in here, I think the toothpaste just made a pass at me again."

Seriously though, it does seem foolish for McCain's campaign staff to make their boss feel uncomfortable on the campaign trail when they could easily keep him happy with a hot bowl of soup, a nice pair of slippers, and a large print crossword compendium.

Sanjay Gupta

Last week Wolf Blitzer interviewed Michael Moore on my very favorite television show of all time, The Situation Room. Blitzer introduced Moore by calling his new movie "controversial" and revealing that it is "being criticized by some who are accusing Moore of playing loose with the facts."

Ah yes, the controversial Michael Moore who (some say) plays loose with the facts. Roll up, roll up, get yer conventional wisdom right here!

Of course, in order to make these claims, CNN had to find that magic "some" who would be willing to say on camera that Moore plays loose with the facts in SiCKO. They needed to look no further than celebrity neurosurgeon Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who happily put together a short hit-piece on some perceived inconsistencies in heath stats used in the movie, accused Moore of "fudging the facts," and lo, conventional wisdom was satisfied.

Unfortunately for CNN, Moore was not going to let them get away with it this time - his appearance on The Situation Room must have left Wolf weak at the knees, and with good reason. Gupta's report was pretty incredible - here's are some highlights of his errors and sleight of hand, the full version of which is available at Moore's website.

1. Gupta says, "Moore brings a group of patients, including 9/11 workers, to Cuba and marvels at their free treatment and quality of care." He switches tone to one of sarcastic surprise: "But hold on - that WHO list puts Cuba's health care system even lower than the United States, coming in at #39." Gupta is clearly implying that Moore is misleading his audience by hiding this statistic. In fact the stat appears directly on screen in SiCKO, and even appears in the movie trailer. Who's fudging the facts now, Sanjay?

2. Gupta says, "Moore asserts that the American health care system spends $7,000 per person on health. Cuba spends $25 dollars per person. Not true. But not too far off. The United States spends $6,096 per person, versus $229 per person in Cuba." Leaving aside the "$25 per person" claim which is dead wrong and which Gupta apologized for (the only thing he apologized for, by the way), his claim of spending just over $6,000 per person is based on statistics from 2004. Moore's claim is based on Department of Health and Human Services projections for 2007. Someone call the cops! This movie is not to be trusted!

3. Gupta takes issue with Moore's claim that on average, Cubans live slightly longer than Americans. That can't possibly be true, right? But according to the 2006 United Nations Human Development Report, it is. (Cubans live on average 77.6 years compared to Americans living 77.5 years.) So who do you believe, America? Dr. Sanjay Gupta, with his nice smile and reassuring bedside manner, or those fact-fudging commies at the U.N.?

Anyway, there's plenty more where that came from - but as you can see, SiCKO is clearly full of errors and is therefore not worth wasting your time on. And if you don't believe Gupta, then surely you can take the word of Paul Keckley, the "independent expert" that Gupta roped in to make his report seem more legitimate. Don't doubt his authenticity - Gupta told Moore on CNN that Keckley's "only affiliation is with Vanderbilt University. We checked it, Michael. We checked his conflict of interest. We do ask those questions."

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

In fact Paul Keckley is the executive director of the Deloitte Center for Health Solutions, which boasts Republican presidential candidate and former Bush-appointed HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson as its independent chairman. Keckley has also donated large sums of money to Republican candidates and causes. And funnily enough, Michael Moore also discovered that Keckley used to be the "CEO and Founder of EBM Solutions Inc., of Nashville, Tennessee, which counted among its customers Blue Cross of Tennessee, the drug company Aventis, and others."

Dr. Gupta must have missed that when he was checking Keckley's conflicts of interest.

Still, anyone can make mistakes, right? Just don't hold your breath waiting for CNN to refer to their celebrity neurosurgeon as "the controversial Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who (some say) plays loose with the facts."

The Best Of The Rest

And finally, since there were so many idiots this week I'm dedicating the tenth slot to the all rest. Here we go:

Republican Presidential Candidates

The best and brightest of the GOP were invited to participate at the NAACP's Presidential Candidate Forum last week, but sadly Tom Tancredo was the only candidate to show up.

Romney and McCain cited scheduling conflicts, while Giuliani said he didn't want to talk to the National Association of Retarded People.

George W. Bush

Remember the "ongoing investigation" that Our Great Leader consistently refused to talk about for three or four years? Well with Libby convicted and his sentence commuted, the investigation is finally over! So what do you have to say now, Mr. President?

"It's run its course," he said. "Now we're going to move on."

Er, right.

Operation Save America

Members of Operation Save America (a.k.a. Operation Rescue) were arrested last week for disrupting the Senate's opening prayer, which for the first time ever was given by a Hindu. According to a press release by the organization, "Ante Pavkovic, Kathy Pavkovic, and Kristen Sugar were all arrested in the chambers of the United States Senate as that chamber was violated by a false Hindu god. The Senate was opened with a Hindu prayer placing the false god of Hinduism on a level playing field with the One True God, Jesus Christ. This would never have been allowed by our Founding Fathers. Not one Senator had the backbone to stand as our Founding Fathers stood. They stood on the Gospel of Jesus Christ!"

Seriously, that's a quote from the actual press release.

The Bush Administration

Last week the outgoing surgeon general Dr. Richard Carmona testified that he was "muzzled" by the Bush administration. Carmona told a congressional committee that he wasn't allowed to discuss stem cell research, among other issues. According to the Los Angeles Times:

"Anything that doesn't fit into the political appointees' ideological, theological or political agenda is ignored, marginalized or simply buried," Dr. Richard Carmona, who was surgeon general from 2002 to 2006, told a congressional committee. "The job of surgeon general is to be the doctor of the nation -- not the doctor of a political party."

Wow, did he get the wrong end of the stick. The job of any political appointee in this administration is to do whatever the administration tells you to do, sucker. Which gives me an idea - how about Sanjay Gupta for surgeon general? He seems keen to be the doctor of a political party.

Jim Gilmore

And last but not least, Republican presidential contender Jim Gilmore announced that his long-shot candidacy has officially come to an end. Gilmore intends to spend more time with his family, who were shocked to learn of the news. "He never even told me he was running for president," sniffed his wife Roxane.

See you next week!

-- EarlG