'Draft Karma' - Originally Written November 2004

[evilkumquat]

Shortly after Bush got elected for 'real' in 2004, I wrote the following; it looks like I missed the timeframe for the draft by just a few years:

UNIVERSE IN DANGER, JESUS IN HIDING

VALHALLA, ASGARD: In a stunning report issued Thursday, the Norse Gods, selected as spokes-deities by a hastily-called assembly of supreme beings culled from every major world religion, warned that the Karma of the Universe is dangerously out of balance. They report that unless something is done, a cataclysm will ensue, dooming all life throughout the Cosmos.

As most Buddhists and Hindus are well aware, Karma is that force in the Universe that keeps things fair. It is the wheel of fate that spins in an endless cycle, making sure all good deeds eventually get rewarded, and that no evil thought goes unpunished. Karma is an essential building block of the Universe, as important to keeping planets in order as the forces of gravity, magnetism and inertia.

"When even a small amount of Karma is out of balance, the destructive force released is potentially as destructive as an atomic bomb," explained Bragi, Herald of Odin, "And the incredible disturbance of last week's election of George W. Bush to the Presidency of the United States has shaken the foundations of the cosmos. Right now, unimaginable light-years away from Earth, there are planets reeling from floods, earthquakes and volcanoes as a result of this base Republican chicanery."

Bragi confirmed what Washington insiders have long suspected: Bush and his cronies, desperate to ensure their stranglehold on the United States, entered into a pact with the major evil spirits from every significant religion and theology throughout the world including Satan, Iblis, Loki and Hades. Hedging their bets, the Bush administration even scoured the literary world for help, enlisting support from such famous demons as Morgoth and Sauron from J.R.R.Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, as well as lesser-known beings such as Crom, the obscure Cimmerian underworld lord of Conan the Barbarian.

"The sheer mythological power pulled from such huge reservoirs of pure evil, as well as the incredibly unfair miscarriage of justice that was the 2004 election, has shifted the universal balance of Karma," continued Bragi. "It has sent massive waves of pure destructive force coursing throughout the known dimensions. Even Asgard, Home of the Gods, has suffered. Yggdrasil, the World Tree, has burst into flames, perhaps in protest of the anticipated massive logging soon to be done in formerly protected regions of North America."

The Norse Pantheon of Gods, after consulting with all the other gods in Creation, decided that to repair this rip in the very fabric of space and time, a huge blast of pure, wholesome Karma must be unleashed. Following days of intense, focused prayer and the reading of goat entrails, they have decreed that during next year's anticipated Military Draft, only those who voted for George W. Bush in 2004, or who otherwise aided in his election, would be selected for service.

Norse God Forseti, instrumental in scheduling the Karmic-realignment policy, was visibly pleased by the decision. "The last four years have been very difficult for me," he said, "No mortal can fathom how horrible it has been for me, God of Justice, to watch the Bush Administration lie to the public, cheat the poorer citizens by granting huge tax cuts for the very rich, illegally redistrict states to cement Republican power lines as well as a host of other governmental misdeeds and yet never get punished."

"It's payback time, bitches!" he added.

Per the Norse God plan, the order in which people will be drafted for the coming wars of conquest will be as follows:

1) All those of draft age who failed to cast any vote during the election.
2) All those of draft age who voted for Bush in 2004.
3) All those of draft age whose parents voted for Bush in 2004.

The only ones guaranteed not to be called for duty will be those who voted for Democratic challenger John Kerry, provided their parents also voted for him. In addition, as always, all the children of those serving in Congress will be spared induction.

"It is beyond even the will of the Gods to make a Congressman's child serve in the Military," expressed Forseti bitterly.

However this time, so members of Congress may save face with the parents of those who will die in next year's wars, a separate but politically equal new branch of the armed services will be created exclusively for Congressional progeny. Tentatively named the "Republican Guard", sons and daughters of those serving in Congress will be sent to special camps where they will serve their country by spending their days on sunny beaches, drinking only the coldest and finest of beers, while their evenings will be filled with grueling maneuvers performed in shopping malls and dance clubs. After two years of service, all recruits will be granted an "Honorable Discharge" proving their service to their country. When it is their turn to run for political office, these ex-Guardsmen will have a ready excuse if any of them have to run against veterans of Bush's wars who actually saw combat, assuming there are any survivors.

The Norse God draft plan has its critics, most notably several prominent Conservatives who have questioned the validity of the pronouncements of this particular group of Gods, claiming only Jesus Christ or His Father has any authority to decide heavenly matters.

Bragi countered by stating the Norse Gods have the full support of both the Christian and the Muslim deities, and that neither group wanted to get involved because they knew whatever they said would be misinterpreted yet again.

"Quite frankly, they're all sick of it," said Bragi, "After 9/11, Allah sequestered himself in the Mosque he maintains in his section of Heaven. In the days immediately following the attack, he tried consoling himself with forty-six brown-eyed virgins, but it wasn't enough to raise his spirits, he was that devastated by all the carnage occurring in his name. Likewise, after last week's election when the religious fundamentalists seized even more power by bastardizing His teachings, Jesus Christ locked Himself in His room, refusing to come out."

Bragi shook his head sadly.

"He's been in there ever since. We can hear Him crying and eating ice cream."

Evil Kumquat

[ms liberty]

1. Very good - Welcome to DU! K&R n/t