The Onion / New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love

[Demeter]

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_heart_device_allows_cheney_to?utm_source=onion_rss_daily



WASHINGTON, DC—Recovering from minor heart surgery Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney stunned both the medical and political establishments when he mysteriously began to experience love for the first time in his life, sources reported Tuesday.

It is believed to have been the first recorded incident of Cheney exhibiting compassion for his fellow man.

Calling the vice president's sudden ability to love "mystifying" but a possible medical breakthrough that could aid other Americans who suffer from acute mulishness and generalized misanthropy, Dr. Jonathan Samuel Reiner, Cheney's cardiologist, said in a press conference at George Washington University Hospital that the vice president exhibited a series of unexpected side effects almost immediately after regaining consciousness following his surgery.

"The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart procedure," said Reiner. "But instead of trying to strangle me, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug."

MAJOR CUT---SEE LINK FOR THE WHOLE THING. IT IS QUITE EXTRAORDINARY!

Despite his miraculous turnaround, doctors are calling Cheney's condition unstable and, if left untreated, possibly fatal. On Friday, Cheney will return to George Washington University Hospital to have the defibrillator removed, as it is feared that prolonged exposure to love could overwhelm his already shrunken and ulcerated black heart.

[Spinzonner]

1. It'll never last

Whatever has taken over control will reject the rest of his body

Grift vs Host disease.

[yurbud]

2. PIC: Cheney's heart

[Demeter]

3. Laugh a Little--It Couldn't Hurt (Unless you ARE Dick Cheney)