The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 323

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 323

Edited on Mon Feb-04-08 10:01 AM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 323

February 4, 2007
Rudolph The Red-Faced Oh Dear Edition

This week Rudy Giuliani (9/11) calls it quits, John McCain (2) comes on strong, and Mitt Romney (3) gropes the Gipper. Elsewhere, George W. Bush (4,5) staggers drunkenly towards the finish line, and Fox News (6) has a cunning plan. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Rudy Giuliani

2007 was a good year for Rudy Giuliani. Early in the year Real Clear Politics noted that "the conventional wisdom on Giuliani's ability to capture the nomination is wrong. Not only can Giuliani win the GOP nomination, but as the Republican field sits today he has to be considered the favorite." Dick Morris http://www.talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/012292.php">revealed that "Giuliani has moved out to a clear lead. ... Conversations with conservative activists also show a remarkable openness to supporting Giuliani." And according to The Swamp, he was the GOP frontrunner as recently as late October.

But oh, how the mighty have fallen. Poor Rudy dropped out of the race last week after finishing a distant third in Florida, capping off a dismal campaign in which he spent $50 million on a single delegate. Now that's what I call fiscal responsibility! So let's take a look back at some of the ~~highs and~~ lows of Rudy's run for president...

I don't know why he quit - he was just starting to break into double figures at the end there.

Rudy's departure form the race meant he was free to bestow his blessings upon one lucky GOP contender, and that person was John McCain. Curiously, McCain seemed surprisingly willing to have this crazy-eyed 9/11-obsessed remarkably unpopular proven loser come anywhere near him. But that's politics I guess.

So au revoir, America's Mayor. Tested. Ready. Buh-bye.

John McCain

In the wake of Rudy's collapse it's looking increasingly likely that John McCain will be the Republican nominee this fall. Hey, if the GOP wants to nominate a decrepit old white guy with an anger management problem who thinks we should stay in Iraq for a million years and is so hated by the conservative base that he almost quit the Republican Party in 2001, fine by me.

After all, this is a guy who just a few years ago said that, "I will hate the gooks as long I live." Just a few years before that, he bashed then-teenager Chelsea Clinton for being "so ugly." He's a guy who dumped the wife who stood by him while he spent five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, for a woman 17 years his junior. A guy who changed his religion for political convenience. A guy who told the world last year it was safe to walk around Baghdad. A guy who joked about bombing Iran. A guy who recently admitted that he doesn't know anything about the economy. A guy who has flip-flopped on everything from abortion to tax cuts to torture.

A guy who is so confused, he thinks Vladimir Putin is the president of Germany.

And when conservative luminaries such as Joseph Farah, founder of World Net Daily, write stuff like this about your war service...

When the Navy pilot was shot down over a lake near Hanoi, his captors did not know who he was - John McCain, son of the admiral in charge of the Pacific fleet. McCain was seriously injured in his ejection and in need of medical attention. In exchange for what passes as first-class care in Vietnam, McCain talked. He told the North Vietnamese about his father. He told them about the chain of command. He described himself as one of the "very best pilots" in the Navy.

Such behavior by a POW is strictly frowned upon in the Uniform Code of Military Justice and the military code of conduct.

"OK," you say, "McCain should be given a pass for this because he was badly hurt. Wasn't his behavior at the Hanoi Hilton honorable after he recovered from his wounds?"

No, not exactly. While serving as a POW, McCain was one of the captives who agreed to be used for propaganda purposes by the enemy. In fact, some argue that an interview he gave to a communist publication - detailing an accident aboard his ship, problems with low morale among U.S. servicemen, the chain of command in the U.S. Navy and other pertinent information - went far beyond mere propaganda and crossed the line into disclosing military intelligence secrets.

On June 5, 1969, the Washington Post carried a story titled, "Reds Say PW Songbird is Pilot Son of Admiral." The article states that, "Hanoi has aired a broadcast in which the pilot son of United States Commander in the Pacific, Adm. John McCain, purportedly admits to having bombed civilian targets in North Vietnam and praises medical treatment he has received since being taken prisoner."

...you know you've got problems.

So let's all look forward to a John McCain candidacy this year. His dull presence, skeleton-filled closet, and campaign platform of "less jobs, more wars" is sure to set the nation ablaze.

Mitt Romney

Mind you, it could be worse for the Republicans - they could pick Mitt Romney. In case you decided to pass up on the Republican debate last week, let me give you a taste of what you missed. This is an entirely unedited section of the transcript:

MITT ROMNEY: Ronald Reagan would look at the issues that are being debated right here and say, one, we're going to win in Iraq, and I'm not going to walk out of Iraq until we win in Iraq. Ronald Reagan would say lower taxes. Ronald Reagan would say lower spending. Ronald Reagan would - is pro-life. He would also say I want to have an amendment to protect marriage. Ronald Reagan would say, as I do, that Washington is broken. And like Ronald Reagan, I'd go to Washington as an outsider - not owing favors, not lobbyists on every elbow. I would be able to be the independent outsider that Ronald Reagan was, and he brought change to Washington. Ronald Reagan would say, yes, let's drill in ANWR. Ronald Reagan would say, no way are we going to have amnesty again. Ronald Reagan saw it, it didn't work. Let's not do it again. Ronald Reagan would say no to a 50-cent-per-gallon charge on Americans for energy that the rest of the world doesn't have to pay. Ronald Reagan would have said absolutely no way to McCain-Feingold. I would be with Ronald Reagan. And this party, it has a choice, what the heart and soul of this party is going to be, and it's going to have to be in the house that Ronald Reagan built.

Jeez Mitt, why don't you and the corpse of Ronald Reagan get a room already?

George W. Bush

Big news everyone - the State of the Union is STRONG! Why, just last week Bush's FCC took a firm stance on naked buttocks. But despite this smashing success, things aren't looking so hot in other important areas. We're still stuck in a quagmire in Iraq, Afghanistan is looking shaky, Osama bin Laden is still on the loose, the U.S. military is so broken that America can't defend itself against an attack (more on that in a minute), the economy is on the verge of recession, employment is declining, home ownership is plunging, energy costs are rising, the nation's infrastructure is collapsing, the federal government is bankrupt, and climate change is out of control.

Don't worry though - at his annual address last week Our Great Leader announced bold new solutions to these pressing problems. Ha ha! Yeah right. What he actually did was mumble his way through a laundry list of non-accomplishments and then make some half-baked demands for Congress to get to work cleaning up the Olympic-sized swimming pool of shit in which he's left us all floating.

You could almost see the relief on George's face - he knows he's going to crawl to the finish line without being impeached or imprisoned, and soon he'll be free to retire and live out the rest of his life as America's Suckiest Ex-President. (But he won't care about that - he'll be too busy working for daddy at the Carlyle group, selling arms to the Saudis.)

Honestly, Bush might as well have stood up in front of Congress and farted for an hour. It couldn't have stunk any worse, and at least it would have been funny.

George W. Bush

So as I mentioned - the U.S. military is so broken that America can't defend itself against an attack. It's true. According to the Associated Press last week:

The U.S. military isn't ready for a catastrophic attack on the country, and National Guard forces don't have the equipment or training they need for the job, according to a report.

Even fewer Army National Guard units are combat-ready today than were nearly a year ago when the Commission on the National Guard and Reserves determined that 88 percent of the units were not prepared for the fight, the panel says in a new report released Thursday.

But wait a minute... I could swear I heard Our Great Leader say at his State of the Union address last week, "On the home front, we will continue to take every lawful and effective measure to protect our country. This is our most solemn duty."

And I'm pretty sure this is the same guy who stood up at the Republican National Convention in 2000 and said:

We have seen a steady erosion of American power and an unsteady exercise of American influence. Our military is low on parts, pay and morale. If called on by the commander-in-chief today, two entire divisions of the Army would have to report, "Not ready for duty, sir."

This administration had its moment, they had their chance, they have not led. We will.

Thank goodness Bush has been so effective on this issue during his tenure. After all, without his leadership, we'd be in big trouble.

The commission's 400-page report concludes that the nation "does not have sufficient trained, ready forces available" to respond to a chemical, biological or nuclear weapons incident, "an appalling gap that places the nation and its citizens at greater risk."

Whoopee.

Fox News

Stop the presses! Fox News may be on the verge of hiring Karl Rove as a contributor. Now I know what you're thinking: they just want to get their White House talking points straight from the horse's ass. But I think the truth may be more complex.

Here's my theory. Over the past few months Fox News has watched its ratings drop like a rock, so the honchos have decided that it's a losing proposition to continue to bias their news coverage in favor of Republicans. Therefore, they're preparing to shift away from their traditional conservative base. And who better to usher in this change than Karl Rove, a.k.a. The Man Who Destroyed The Republican Party?

Fox News has clearly decided that the time has come to drive away their traditional supporters, and so they're bringing in Karl who will use his legendary political skills to "realign" their viewership. Hey, if he can take a united country and an incredibly popular president shortly after 9/11 and drive the GOP to ruin within five short years, just think what he can do for "Fox & Friends" and "On The Record."

Once the plan goes into effect, Karl - whose resume includes narrowly avoiding indictment for outing an undercover CIA operative - will use "The Math" to prove that Fox's viewership is actually increasing.

Yes, with Mr. Rove on board, it's surely only a matter of time before "Hannity & Colmes" becomes "Colmes & Hannity." Can "The Michael Moore Factor" be far behind?

Phillip Zelikow

Speaking of Karl Rove, remember that whole brouhaha in 2006 about "The Path To 9/11," the biased made-for-TV movie produced by a conservative activist, which heaped the blame for September 11th on Bill Clinton just before the mid-term elections? (See Idiots 258.)

ABC's defense of the movie was that it was "based solely and completely on the 9/11 Commission Report" (which it wasn't). But even if it had been, it turns out that the 9/11 Commission Report may have had problems of its own. According to the Associated Press last week:

The Sept. 11 commission's executive director had closer ties with the White House than publicly disclosed and tried to influence the final report in ways that the staff often perceived as limiting the Bush administration's responsibility, a new book says.

Philip Zelikow, a friend of then-national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, spoke with her several times during the 20-month investigation that closely examined her role in assessing the al-Qaida threat. He also exchanged frequent calls with the White House, including at least four from Bush's chief political adviser at the time, Karl Rove.

Zelikow once tried to push through wording in a draft report that suggested a greater tie between al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden and Iraq, in line with White House claims but not with the commission staff's viewpoint, according to Philip Shenon's "The Commission: The Uncensored History of the 9/11 Investigation."

Shenon, a New York Times reporter, says Zelikow sought to intimidate staff to avoid damaging findings for President Bush, who at the time was running for re-election, and Rice. Zelikow and Rice had written a book together in 1995 and he would later work for her after the commission finished its job and she became secretary of state in 2005.

(snip)

Records from the Government Accountability Office, which maintained some of the commission's phone records, showed frequent calls from Zelikow to telephone numbers in area code 202, with the telephone prefix 4-5-6 - the prefix exclusive to the White House, the book says.

(snip)

"Rove and I didn't really know each other," (Zelikow) said in the statement. "I don't recall ever having an extended conversation with him, and certainly not about politics or the commission."

Sure thing! He just happened to be calling the White House over and over again during the Commission's investigation to... what, chat about the weather?

The Moral Majority

Abercrombie & Fitch have had plenty of run-ins with the Moral Majority over the years, but things came to a head last week when the manager of a store in Lynnhaven Mall, Virginia Beach, was cited on "obscenity charges," according to the Virginian-Pilot.

Police, saying they were responding to citizen complaints, carted away two large promotional photographs from the Abercrombie & Fitch store in Lynnhaven Mall on Saturday and cited the manager on obscenity charges.

Adam Bernstein, a police spokesman, said the seizure and the issuance of the summons came only after store management had not heeded warnings to remove the images.

The citation was issued under City Code Section 22.31, Bernstein said, which makes it a crime to display "obscene materials in a business that is open to juveniles."

Want to see one of the obscene images that got the manager in trouble? I'll show it to you.

BUT BE WARNED! THE FOLLOWING IMAGE IS OBSCENE AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY CHILDREN!

Aaah, my eyes!

Confused? Allow me to clarify.

Here, in case you're still having difficulty, I'll blow it up for you.

Shocking stuff. Do you have any idea how many children could be inspired to drop out of school, become drug addicts, or go on a shooting rampage because of that inch of butt cleavage?

You'll be even more disturbed to learn that the story doesn't end there.

The other image is of a woman who is topless and whose "breast is displayed with her hand covering just the nipple portion," Bernstein said. "You could still pretty much see the rest of the breast."

My god, will they stop at nothing?

In other news...

In a daring ambush, insurgents blasted a U.S. patrol with a roadside bomb Monday and showered survivors with gunfire from a mosque in increasingly lawless Mosul. Five American soldiers were killed in the explosion -- even as Iraqi troops moved into the northern city to challenge al-Qaida in Iraq.

(snip)

The attack on the U.S. patrol -- the deadliest on American forces since six soldiers perished Jan. 9 in a booby-trapped house north of Baghdad -- raised the Pentagon's January death count to at least 36.

The toll so far is 56 percent higher than December's 23 U.S. military deaths and marks the first monthly increase since August.

Virginia Republicans

Wondering why Republicans traditionally have trouble with the youth vote? Look no further than the Virginia State Legislature. According to the Washington Post:

A group of students from Charlottesville and Albemarle County high schools didn't exactly experience southern hospitality when they visited the state Capitol yesterday.

During the House session, Del. David J. Toscano (D-Charlottesville) stood up to introduce the students, who were sitting in the gallery. But when Toscano said the students were members of the "Charlottesville Young Liberals" club, some GOP lawmakers started booing.

(snip)

GOP aides stress the lawmakers who booed were joking.

Classy and hilarious! Thank goodness the adults are in charge.

Nathan Tabor

And finally, a couple of weeks ago I noted that Mike Huckabee had announced his intention to bring the Constitution in line with the Word of God (see Idiots 321). Well if you think that's a good idea, you're going to love Nathan Tabor!

Last week the Watauga Democrat (North Carolina) reported that:

A former congressional candidate has decided to take his political activism literally, mounting a statewide effort to educate voters about biblical scriptures that he says relate to political and social responsibility.

Nathan Tabor, who unsuccessfully ran for the Republican Party Fifth District U.S. House of Representatives nomination in 2004, has formed a non-profit, grassroots organization called "Almighty Purpose."

Apparently Mr. Tabor isn't satisfied with Huckabee's proposed Constitutional amendments, and thinks we should use the Bible to govern all aspects of day-to-day life.

"We know about issues like abortion, adultery and homosexuality, but it's not just the hot-button issues," he said. "The Bible covers building codes, food, property and public health laws."

I checked this out - and he's right.

Property

"If a man shall steal an ox, or a sheep, and kill it, or sell it; he shall restore five oxen for an ox, and four sheep for a sheep." (Exodus 22:1)

Building Codes

"When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence." (Deuteronomy 22:8)

Public Health

"And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even." (Leviticus 15:19-23)

Food

"And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray, And the vulture, and the kite after his kind; Every raven after his kind; And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind, And the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl, And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle, And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat." (Leviticus 11:13-19)

I guess I won't mind if Mr. Tabor's dreams become reality. After all, there are powerful arguments for basing the judicial process on a system of livestock bartering. Preventing people from falling off each other's roofs is a pressing safety issue. And I think we can all agree that menstruating women should be labeled "unclean" and forced to stay indoors.

But I sure will miss those bat sandwiches.

See you next week!

-- EarlG