The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 325

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 325

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 325

February 18, 2008
Con McCain Edition

This week John McCain (1) says one thing and does another, Mitt Romney (2) pretends to be cheerful, House Republicans (6) get in a snit, and Rush Limbaugh (8) attempts to pull off an ingenious double bluff. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

John McCain

If you can say one good thing about John McCain, it's that he is strongly opposed to torture. And for good reason - after all, the man was tortured while a POW in Vietnam. That's why McCain has stood up time and again to oppose the Bush administration's torture policy, and why he sponsored the 2006 Detainee Treatment Act.

McCain had another opportunity to go toe-to-toe with George W. Bush last week when the Senate voted on a bill which would force the CIA to conduct interrogations using the same rules laid out in the Army Field Manual. Since the Army Field Manual bans techniques like waterboarding, this would effectively prevent the CIA from using torture during interrogations. Bush had already threatened to veto the bill, saying "They are imposing a set of standards on our intelligence communities in terms of interrogating prisoners that our people will think will be ineffective." (Translation: I'm the Decider, and I've decided to torture people.)

So step forward John McCain! Demonstrate that famous honor and integrity by voting for this bill and telling the world, "America says no to torture!"

It's a mighty fine line to walk. Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) opposes torture. But when the Senate held a vote yesterday that would effectively prevent the CIA from employing torture by restricting interrogation techniques to those under the Army Field Manual, he voted against it.

You can read his extended explanation of that vote below. But here's what it comes down to. The bill yesterday would have restricted the CIA to the Army's rules for interrogating detainees. McCain believes that the CIA should have a freer hand. That includes the use of "enhanced interrogation" techniques.

Huh? What? This doesn't sound like the honorable John McCain the media keeps telling me about.

The leading Republican presidential candidate, Senator John McCain of Arizona, a former prisoner of war who steadfastly opposes the use of torture, voted against the bill. Mr. McCain said the ban would limit the C.I.A.'s ability to gather intelligence. "We always supported allowing the C.I.A. to use extra measures," he said.

At the same time, he said that he believed "waterboarding is illegal and should be banned" and that the agency must adhere to existing federal law and international treaties.

Oh. Well, I guess just because McCain likes to ride around in a bus called the Straight Talk Express, it doesn't mean he has to stand by his principles during an election year. After all, if he votes against torture, what will Sean Hannity say?

This shouldn't be too hard for McCain to spin though. He can just say he voted for banning torture before he voted against it. That's the ticket.

Mitt Romney

It wasn't all bad news for John McCain last week though - he was endorsed by the recently thwarted Heir To Ronald Reagan's Hair, Mitt Romney. "Even when the contest was close and our disagreements were debated, the caliber of the man was apparent," Romney said.

Really? See, I'm not so sure about that. For the past few months I've seen some pretty ugly rumors about John McCain being spread around. For example - did you know that he has an "incoherent tax policy," and that his immigration legislation is "a disaster in the making?"

:youtube1:
And did you know that the man on the street thinks McCain has been in Washington far too long, doesn't listen to the American people, and wants to give our jobs to illegal immigrants?

:youtube2:
It's true. John McCain is a confused old man who doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

:youtube3:
But that's okay - Mitt now encourages upstanding Republicans to vote for him anyway. Because as you can see, the caliber of the man is apparent.

The Soon To Be Never Heard From Again Wing Of The Republican Party

Of course, those attack ads by Mitt Romney look like the ultimate in class once you see what the knuckledragging GOP base has got lined up for the rest of 2008. Take a look at some of the merchandise that was on sale at CPAC last week - you know, the conservative conference attended by all the major Republican presidential contenders, not to mention the president and vice-president of the United States of America - and you'll get a feel for the wingnuts' election strategy this year.

For example, here's how they feel about their very own presidential nominee...

Yee-ikes. Although deep down, you know conservatives want to make love, not war.

Er... okay.

But don't assume that the Democrats are going to get off easy this year! Hell no!

That's right, Democrats are communists and Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein. Oh, stop it, that hurts!

And of course, they saved their wittiest work for Hillary Clinton:

Clever stuff.

The RNC

Even the RNC wants to get in on this "humor" thing that liberals find so amusing, although they don't seem to have quite figured it out yet. For example, this year they decided to make some Valentine cards that rank-and-file Republicans could send to their friends. Check it out...

That's right - the RNC would like you to know that Barack Obama is not a Washington insider.

And as for Hillary Clinton - she's... er...

Okay, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

The American Family Association

While we're on the subject of the Soon To Be Never Heard From Again Wing Of The Republican Party, let's check in and see how our friends at the American Family Association are getting on. Now that War On Christmas season is over, the AFA are turning their attention to other pressing matters.

"Send an email to TV Land president Larry Jones," harumphed AFA honcho Donald Wildmon in an email last week, "letting him know you are offended that TV Land so easily disrespects Christians by belittling their faith."

Uh oh... what has TV Land done now? Have they got "The Last Temptation of Christ" on the schedule? Are they trying to sneak a Philip Pullman biography in between "Three's Company" and "The Beverly Hillbillies?"

Oh, I'm afraid it's much worse than that.

The TV Land network has a new feature starting this Saturday (Feb. 16) called "OHMIGOD, That's so 80's weekend." The series features movies from the 1980's.

And that's not all, because you see...

"OHMIGOD" is an irreverent exclamation for "Oh, my God!"

It is? Oh my God!

The promotional ad is playing on the television broadcast and on their website at www.tvland.com. (WARNING: If you visit their website, the ad plays automatically.)

I can't tell you in words how offensive it is to listen to the advertisement for this new show as they must say "OHMIGOD" five times in 30 seconds.

Disrespect for Christians and God have gone on for some time with this phrase, but now we have a network that feels it appropriate to name an entire program series with this phrase.

Now, I went over to the TV Land website to see if this disturbing rumor is true, and the annoying audio stream that plays when you visit the site confirms that it is indeed "OHMIGOD, That's so 80's weekend!" But Donald Wildmon's insecure temper tantrum does appear to have paid off, because the text on TV Land's website is now advertising "OHMYGOSH, That's so 80's weekend."

So they may not have managed to get a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, and they've failed to overturn Roe vs. Wade - but congratulations, AFA, for successfully forcing TVLand.com to slightly change their home page.

House Republicans

Waaaaah! Residents of the Washington DC metro area were treated to the sound of crying babies wafting gently across the Potomac last week as House Republicans closed their eyes, opened their mouths, and screamed for mama. At issue was the rule of law, something which Republicans used to really feel quite strongly about. But oh, those days are long gone.

The House voted Thursday to hold two of President George W. Bush's confidants in contempt for failing to cooperate with an inquiry into whether a purge of federal prosecutors was politically motivated.

Angry Republicans boycotted the vote and walked out.

To recap: in the summer of 2007, former White House chief of staff Josh Bolten and former White House counsel Harriet Miers were subpoenaed by the House Judiciary Committee. Since there's one rule for the Bush administration and another rule for everyone else in this country, Bolten and Miers simply ignored the subpoenas and failed to show up for hearings. (See Idiots 301.)

Now, you'd think that blowing off Congress would be something Republicans would usually be concerned about - and if we were talking about Democrats blowing off Congress, you'd be right. But rather than stand up for the rule of law and support the contempt charges, GOP legislators threw a hissyfit and walked out.

Republicans said Democrats should instead be working on extending a law -- set to expire Saturday -- allowing the government to eavesdrop on phone calls and e-mails in the United States in cases of suspected terrorist activity.

That's right - rather than worrying about an Executive Branch that is literally cockslapping America in the face, Republicans want to spend more time figuring out ways to listen to your telephone conversations and read your emails. And they feel so strongly about this that they will stand up as one and walk out of Congress.

Fortunately the House was still able to do the people's business and voted to hold Bolten and Miers in contempt by a margin of 223-32. So here's an idea, House Republicans - next time you decide to walk out, don't bother coming back.

George W. Bush

Last week, director Steven Spielberg announced that he was quitting as artistic director of this year's Beijing Olympics, because, according to Think Progress, "China is not doing enough to pressure Sudan to end the genocide in Darfur."

Soon afterwards, George W. Bush was asked during an interview with the BBC whether he would "applaud" Spielberg's decision.

"That's up to him," Bush said dismissively, adding, "I'm going to the Olympics. I view the Olympics as a sporting event."

A sporting event, eh? That's quite the historical worldview you've got there, George.

But never mind all that - to Our Great Leader, the Olympic Games are just a sporting event.

So George, are you done making America look like a nation of petty, ignorant, uncaring douchebags run by a 160-pound sack of potatoes, or do you want to add anything else?

"I mean, you got the Dalai Lama crowd. You've got global warming folks. You've got, you know, Darfur," he said. "I am not gonna you know, go and use the Olympics as an opportunity to express my opinions to the Chinese people in a public way."

Well I guess I shouldn't have asked.

Rush Limbaugh

Sure, John McCain may think that his most impressive endorsement so far is from convicted felon Oliver North, but he's wrong. The honor goes to Rush Limbaugh, who revealed last week that he is in fact McCain's "most valuable asset."

How so? Well, according to CNN:

Commenting on the mainstream media's fixation with his feelings about McCain, Limbaugh said there may be more to his criticisms than meets the eye.

"If I really wanted to torpedo McCain, I would endorse him," Limbaugh said on his radio show. "Because that would send the independents and liberals who are going to vote for him running away faster than anything."

"What people don't realize is that I am doing McCain the biggest favor that can be done for him by staying out of this," he continued. "If I endorsed him thoroughly and with passion, that would end the independents and moderates, because they so despise me and they so hate me."

(snip)

"Couldn't it be said, if somebody wanted to...that I am secretly supporting McCain, because I secretly do want him to win, but I know full well that if I come out and endorse him, he's cooked?" Limbaugh asked. "Who may be in this whole kit and caboodle, this whole shebang, the most valuable asset McCain has? Me."

Or in other words...

"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"

See, when Limbaugh said last month that if McCain gets the nomination, "it's going to destroy the Republican Party," and when he said "I can see possibly not supporting a Republican nominee," he was bluffing. When he mocked John McCain's military service in 2004 and 2005, he did so with a nod and a wink. And when he helped George W. Bush defeat McCain for the GOP nomination in 2000, he was just looking ahead.

Yes, despite what he's been saying for the past eight years, Rush Limbaugh actually secretly really likes John McCain and has been plotting since 2000 to put him in power. His constant attacks have merely been part of a clever ploy to make McCain more popular with independent voters.

Now I know what you're thinking - if that's the case, why does he spend all day attacking liberals and Democrats? Does he want to help us with independents too? Well don't worry about that. Limbaugh's plan is far too cunning for our lesser minds to comprehend.

Mike Huckabee

He may be down, but he's not out! That is to say, he may be out, but he's not leaving! Mike Huckabee is still in the race for the GOP nomination, even though he can't win. But heck, running for president is fun and profitable, so why stop?

For example, last week Mike took a break from the campaign trail and headed to the Cayman Islands. According to USA Today:

Mike Huckabee will be in that warmer clime until Sunday. He's due to speak at the Young Caymanian Leadership Awards banquet -- a paid gig -- on Saturday.

Fox News' Embed Producers blog reports that Huckabee campaign chief Chip Saltsman had this to say about his candidate's weekend plans:

"We're not giving up. He hasn't had two days off in a row in over a year. ... We are coming right back on the trail on Sunday night."

And Wonkette noted last week that Huckabee is not above cashing in while he's still got the mojo - just last week he sent an email to Evian groveling for free water.

But the funniest part of all this? According to the Houston Chronicle:

A poll released Friday found Sen. John McCain and former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee in a statistical tie in Texas, with McCain garnering 45 percent of the vote and Huckabee taking 41 percent.

That's right - the guy who's on vacation in the Cayman Islands is currently running even with the GOP presidential nominee in Texas. Wow.

Rudy Giuliani

And finally, if you've ever wondered what kind of leadership skills it takes to blow $50 million on the most pathetic presidential campaign in American history, I have some good news. Last week Politico.com obtained an email announcing Rudy Giuliani's return to the lecture circuit.

WSB is honored to announce that Rudy Giuliani, one of the most respected leaders in the world, has returned to Washington Speakers Bureau for exclusive representation. A visionary leader, Giuliani has always epitomized "grace under pressure," and nowhere was that more apparent than in his recent bid for the presidency.

Giuliani galvanized the electorate by focusing much-needed attention on such issues as security, domestic and international terrorism and securing a future that's prosperous and beneficial for all Americans.

Giuliani candidly discusses insights from his public and private sector experiences, including transformative lessons in leadership.

I must say it's very nice of them to take care of Rudy like this. Last I heard he was still down in Florida...

See you next week!

-- EarlG