What's Wrong with Staying Single?

[marmar]

from American Sexuality Mag., via AlterNet:



What's Wrong with Staying Single?

By Bella M. DePaulo, American Sexuality Magazine. Posted February 18, 2008.

The significance of getting married has changed dramatically in recent decades. When will our views of single people catch up?




I'm fifty-four years old and I have always been single. I love my single life. But for a long time I rarely said that out loud. I thought I was the only happy single person.

I didn't love everything about my single life. I didn't like that "poor thing" look I'd get when others first learned that I was single. I didn't like their assumption that I must be miserable and lonely and pining for a partner.

There were other things I didn't like that I thought I could pin on my single status, but I wasn't really sure. For example, sometimes at work colleagues with partners would assume that I could cover the tasks that no one else wanted. Maybe they presumed that since I was single, I didn't have a life and so had nothing better to do with my time. Socially, I was invited to lunch with my coupled colleagues during the week but not to their dinner and movie outings over the weekends.

Tentatively at first, I began asking other single people if they thought they were viewed and treated differently than coupled people just because they were single. The responses were overwhelming. It was time to proceed beyond anecdotes.

Years later after I had read hundreds of scientific studies about marital status, happiness, and discrimination, and after I conducted my own program of research, I realized that much of the conventional wisdom about people who are single was either grossly exaggerated or just plain wrong. The place of singles in society and the significance of getting married have changed dramatically over the past decades. But our views of single and married people have not yet caught up. I wrote about this in my book Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. The subtitle captures what I learned about singles. Let me explain.

After collecting stories of singlehood, informally, from hundreds of others, I began conducting systematic research. My colleague Wendy Morris and I first studied perceptions of people who are single and married. We approached this work in a number of ways. In one set of studies, for instance, we created profiles of married and single people that were exactly the same (in terms of the person's age, hometown, interests, employment, and so forth) except for their marital status. In one experiment after another, we found that the single people were viewed more negatively than the married people. For example, they were seen as unhappy, lonely, and self-centered compared to their married counterparts. (The one exception is that single people were consistently viewed as more independent than married people.) ......(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.alternet.org/sex/77095/

[SheilaT]

1. This is another one of those things

that every few years or so pops up as if it's breaking news.

Staying single has long been a reasonable choice, and lots of good people choose it. Sometimes they choose it again after a failed marriage or two. Sometimes they live happily single well into adulthood before choosing the wedded life.

Like having children, getting or staying hitched isn't right for everyone. But for some, it's the right choice.

[zanne]

2. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single.

It's unusual, so it's hard for other people to relate. I'm married and childless by choice. That's unusual, and hard for people to relate to. But there's nothing wrong with either choice.

[izzie]

7. I picked this life style after being wed for years. I like it.

I really left to live alone. I do think it takes a type of person to like to live alone. Many people seem to just have to have some one around.

[mwb970]

9. I like people, but I prefer to live alone.

Having "some one around" 24/7 has proven problematic for me in the past. It makes me feel trapped. I like having people over, but then I like them to go home.

On the other hand, I miss having a built-in helper when my car needs to go into the shop (like now). I guess that's the tradeoff.

[Skittles]

20. beware of people who cannot stand their own company

yes INDEED :o

[Hannah Bell]

22. Beware of people

who can't stand the company of others, also.

[Triana]

3. Thanks...I may get that book.

It's relevant to a few people I know. It's not "news" but it's nice to be able to commiserate with people who share the situation and not feel 'alone' in being single (and/or childless)! Being understood is good - even if it is only by a minority. (a growing - happily - minority)

[Demeter]

4. Well, I Don't WANT To Be Single

It's not part of my culture nor my family tradition.

My great-grandparents celebrated 50 years of marriage. My grandparents celebrated 50 years of marriage. My parents only made it to 43 because my mother died from smoking.

And yet here I am--after 18 years of marriage, it became clear to me that my husband had only been "married" for ten of those years. His financial antics were threatening his children. I cut the knot.

And looking for a new husband while raising children, one seriously disabled, was a total non-starter. I actually found a candidate, but he ran, and then died far too young. Probably because he married a girl who divorced him, and didn't provide the support he needed in his serious health need.

It takes two to make a marriage. Not having a same-sex bent, I'm at a singular disadvantage, if you will pardon the pun.

And while there is life, there is hope, I'm not particularly hopeful.

I've thought of trolling homeless shelters, even.

[TlalocW]

5. While not up there with "teh gays"

I have run into various groups for whom the lowering marriage rate is cause for great alarm - mainly religious group, but there's also a large demographic of bitter middle-aged men with one or more marriages behind them who blame their failed relationships (as well as every other societal ill) on feminism, including the increase in people staying single, longer.

This sounds like an interesting book I should check out as I'm 35 and single, and it drives my oldest sister crazy - yet I'm happy. Surprisingly, my more religiously conservative sister has come to my defense stating that not everyone feels like or ought to be married.

The unfairness mentioned about assuming that the single person will cover for the married ones at work reminds me of a childfree (another demographic group I belong to) book called, "The Baby Boon," which was about how those without children often get the short end of the stick as well when it comes to working overtime, benefits, society's view of them, etc.

TlalocW

[TlalocW]

6. Also for some reason I'm reminded of a movie

From the 1990s about some woman who's an up-and-comer at a New York ad agency running into discrimination from her boss because she's not in a relationship. The boss feels that makes her too independent and not "scared enough" that she needs to work really hard to support a family, never mind that she's one of the best at the company. So she goes and hires a guy to be her boyfriend, and of course, they fall in love, and everything that was important to her before becomes silly, etc.

What was that movie? The account she was trying to get was for the number 2 mustard in the country, and her ads were going to center on famous people who had been number 2 in their professions (number 2 draft pick for a famous athlete, etc)

TlalocW

[JoDog]

8. "Picture Perfect

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119896/

[ixion]

10. I'm single, and happy with that

I was married for a couple years back in the 90's, and it was a nightmare. Even if I were to get together with someone again, I wouldn't bring marriage (e.g. the State) into my relationships ever again.

[CRH]

11. There is a lot of discrimination against single adults, ...

none more pronounced than the IRS. How is it a single adult should pay higher tax rates for the sin of being single, when they use less of the social infra structure? This prejudice spills over into other economic penalties as well, when single adults are perceived to be less responsible and charged higher insurance premiums.

I have experienced both lives, and there are pluses and minuses to both.

[AZ Criminal JD]

17. Single people don't pay higher tax rates

You are mis-reading the tax tables.

[CRH]

21. Why do married filing jointly, ..

couples pay less taxes than a single filing for the same amount? In the past year after year my accountant told me and my ex, that filing jointly would save us paying more taxes than if we filed separately? Is the difference in the deductions?

[HelenWheels]

12. Single is better

I've been married and now I am single. Single is better.

[Karenina]

13. For me too.

[Karenina]

14. What happens when you x-post this in GD?

Oh, please! :evilgrin:

[supernova]

15. Been single for as long as I was married

When I was married employers didn't think I wanted advancement, that I was happy being a glorified secretary. Afterall, I had a husband to look after. I should be satisfied with that.

Now that I'm single, yeah, I've gotten the "Can you cover for me? You'll be here .... right?" Convo more times than I can shake a stick at. :eyes:

Now that I have achieved a kind of equalibrium about it all, I am still willing to share my life with a fair-minded man. If such a thing exists. :shrug:

So far, I've seen (In my single incarnation):

1- Disgruntled parent, didn't want kid. Thinks kid doesn't know. No, really. :wow:

2 -Lives at home with mom ..... at 44.

3 - Older gentlman in his mid-60s who wants an "open arrangement."


Gee, can't see why I don't want to remain single? Can't understand why I didn't snap up any of these guys. *sigh* But I'm content with my own company most of the time.

[Obama4prezz]

16. There are pro's and cons

You save money by being single. Women want expensive presents for Valentine's and Christmas, even if their boyfriend is poor.
On the other hand, you dont' want to be alone at age 80. It's a tough call.

[alarimer]

18. Well I like living alone but I do not want to BE alone.

If such a thing is possible.

I don't much care about what people think about the fact that I am single at 39. What bothers me more is the assumption that, because I am single, I am available to work holidays, more weekends, etc. Now in my office that isn't much of an issue, since I am the one who usually travels over Christmas to visit family and generally the workload is shared evenly.

[Skittles]

19. 50, always been single, NEVER bored or lonely

yes INDEED