Will Durst: Hillary Clinton: UNDEAD

[babylonsister]

http://atlanticfreepress.com/content/view/3537/81/

Hillary Clinton: UNDEAD
by Will Durst


Brazenly defying logic, momentum, expectations, poll numbers, gravity, and the old wives’ advice not to venture into the water within an hour of eating, Hillary Clinton unaccountably still lives. She’s like one of those zombies in a John Carpenter movie that you shoot and stab and knock upside the head with a nail studded two by four dipped in some rare poisonous South American toad secretion. And she just keeps coming at you. Slowly she turns. Inch by inch. Step by step. I don’t know if she sold her soul to the devil or Bill had unnatural congress with a Voodoo Queen or the voters in Texas and Ohio were subjected to subliminal messages in their cereal ads or what. Perhaps she’s just plucky.

I do know this must be frustrating as hell for Barack Obama, who has to be imploring the gods (none Muslim as far as I know) for a hint of exactly what its going to take to put this soulless banshee permanently down. Decapitation, a silver bullet in the ear or wooden stake through the heart; but even then, he’d best be advised not to turn his back on the remains. Because every time he straightens up, brushes off and looks directly into the camera reaching out to take the Democratic damsel triumphantly in his arms, Hillary’s face pops up behind him with an evil gleam in her eye and some superdelgate entrails hanging out of her mouth stretching out both hands for his neck. She walks the earth as one of the undead.

To add insult to injury, in her morning- show, victory- tour the day after convincing the electorate in both must- win states that she was most ready to straddle the fence on Day One, the junior senator from New York strongly hinted she’d be willing to share the ticket with the junior senator from Illinois. Of course who would be on top is still up for debate. But isn’t that pretty much true in every relationship? And to say that each side believes their candidate deserves to head the ticket is surprising in the same way as discovering vampires think daytime is overrated.

Her musing stirred elements of the Democratic base into a frothing mob brandishing torches and pitchforks screaming for what they breathlessly refer to as the Dream Ticket. And it’s called that because if you even for a minute, think that America would elect both a black man and a woman at the same time, you are too deep in the throes of REM slumber to think straight and are begging for 30,000 volts be applied to the bolts on the side of your neck.

As for a candidate promising things they don’t plan to deliver, well, that is not a new element in this campaign: Is it Mr. Canadian ambassador NAFTA reformer guy? Nonetheless, until he sews this thing up tighter than the wrappings of a fat mummy in a humid tomb, Mr. Obama might want to sleep with one eye open, under a canopy of crucifixes inside a holy water moat on a bed of consecrated garlic. In a church. Not a Mosque. You know. Just in case. Better safe than sorry. Ounce of prevention and all. And I’d be extra special careful in Pennsylvania. After all, their primary is April 22nd, only two days after a full moon. I’m just saying.


Political comic, author, former radio talk show host and margarine smuggler, Will Durst, laments that no one ever addresses the heartbreak of lycanthropy.

[mike_c]

1. get thee to the greatest page....

:rofl:

This is awesome!

[VeraAgnes]

9. I'm new here so please

explain why such abusive, raging hatred is so accepted regarding a democratic candidate on a democrats discussion board? I don't know if this is reality ?

[Kurovski]

17. Welcome to DU.

Pardon my boldness, but this is a Bad, bad, very bad way to start out.

Your stating that it is "raging hatred" does not make it so. In fact it kind of makes you appear to be from another planet where humor does not exist. In some quarters, "hatred" is also the word of the year for countering bad news for Hillary.

It could be a generational difference that accounts for this, and if this is the case, please accept my sincere apologies. But it still is far from "raging hatred."

Welcome.:hi:

[babylonsister]

23. Kurovski...

big :hug: to you!

[VeraAgnes]

24. Thank you for the

kind welcome!

I may need to dig out my "Oldies CD" of the Jefferson Airplanes because I now get a sense of what Alice felt like. HaHaHa...you know Alice in Wounderland; meeting the Mad Hatter...
okay;

[Kurovski]

28. Yes, mad as a hatter...

that would be me. :hi: :D

[mike_c]

19. welcome to DU-- and avoid the Rude Pundit at all cost...

...until your skin thickens a bit! :hi:

[krkaufman]

34. FYI... If you feel the above bit from well-known satirist Will Durst is "raging hatred"...

... of a Democratic presidential candidate, you really haven't ventured very far into DU. I'm not condoning what you're going to see out there; just warning ya.

Hint: Stay away from the 'General Discussion:Primaries' page until you've steeled yourself with the confidence you feel for your candidate.

[krkaufman]

31. Oh. Funny. Just a minute ago, I was wondering what someone meant ...

... by "off to the GP with you." I thought it was some sort of threat.

[msongs]

2. if somebody wrote this about obama you people would be howling with indignant self righteousness nt

[babylonsister]

3. He's a popular comic; lose your sense of humor somewhere? nt

[mcollier]

6. Dream Ticket??

What kind of arguement is "You have no skills (except speaking well), yet I'd like you to be my right hand man."

Coming from a candidate that doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell of getting the nomination legally, that's a rediculous joke...

Its not about the Clintons, its about a real change, a change we can believe in...

[rodeodance]

11. its crap like that believe and get their little highs for the day--like the

poster you are responding to.

[Madam Mossfern]

4. and you would be laughing your ass off

[jkshaw]

8. msongs, Obama is ahead, remember?

[gristy]

10. you people...

Obama's ahead. By a lot. Why you (people) think someone could write this about Obama without it being ludicrous is beyond me. But I did make a go of it. What do you (people) think?

Barack Obama: UNDEAD

Brazenly defying logic, momentum, expectations, poll numbers, gravity, and the old wives’ advice not to venture into the water within an hour of eating, Barack Obama unaccountably still lives. He’s like one of those zombies in a John Carpenter movie that you shoot and stab and knock upside the head with a nail studded two by four dipped in some rare poisonous South American toad secretion. And he just keeps coming at you. Slowly he turns. Inch by inch. Step by step. I don’t know if he sold his soul to the devil or Michelle had unnatural congress with a Voodoo Queen or the voters in Texas and Ohio were subjected to subliminal messages in their cereal ads or what. Perhaps he’s just plucky.

I do know this must be frustrating as hell for Hillary Clinton, who has to be imploring the gods (none Unitarian as far as I know) for a hint of exactly what it's going to take to put this soulless banshee permanently down. Decapitation, a silver bullet in the ear or wooden stake through the heart; but even then, she’d best be advised not to turn her back on the remains. Because every time she straightens up, brushes off and looks directly into the camera reaching out to take the Democratic damsel triumphantly in his arms, Barack’s face pops up behind her with an evil gleam in his eye and some superdelgate entrails hanging out of his mouth stretching out both hands for his neck. He walks the earth as one of the undead.

To add insult to injury, in his morning-show, victory-tour the day after convincing the electorate in must-win Texas that he was most ready to straddle the fence on Day One, the junior senator from Illinois strongly hinted he’d be willing to share the ticket with the junior senator from New York. Of course who would be on top is still up for debate. But isn’t that pretty much true in every relationship? And to say that each side believes their candidate deserves to head the ticket is surprising in the same way as discovering vampires think daytime is overrated.

His musing stirred elements of the Democratic base into a frothing mob brandishing torches and pitchforks screaming for what they breathlessly refer to as the Dream Ticket. And it’s called that because if you even for a minute, think that America would elect both a black man and a woman at the same time, you are too deep in the throes of REM slumber to think straight and are begging for 30,000 volts be applied to the bolts on the side of your neck.

As for a candidate promising things they don’t plan to deliver, well, that is not a new element in this campaign: Is it Mr. Canadian ambassador NAFTA reformer guy? Nonetheless, until she sews this thing up tighter than the wrappings of a fat mummy in a humid tomb, Ms. Clinton might want to sleep with one eye open, under a canopy of crucifixes inside a holy water moat on a bed of consecrated garlic. In a church. Not a Meeting Room. You know. Just in case. Better safe than sorry. Ounce of prevention and all. And I’d be extra special careful in Pennsylvania. After all, their primary is April 22nd, only two days after a full moon. I’m just saying.

[leftrightwingnut]

16. It's just as funny either way.

I dare you to make your revision an OP. :-)

[verges]

21. It's kinda

funny, I guess. It just doesn't make sense.

[leftrightwingnut]

29. It's a humor piece. Satire. Sounds like an onion product.

It isn't supposed to make sense, really. Depending on your point of view, the humor is at either candidate's expense either way it is written.

Yes, it's silly, and can be safely ignored.

[verges]

37. I mean

the transposed version. I thought the original was hysterical. but if you simply plug in Obama's name, where Hillary's is, it ceases to make sense (even humor has to make sense). The facts don't fit.

[Kurovski]

18. Well, no one IS writing things like this about Obama,

so I guess we'll never know.

The argument "if so-and-so did such-and-such you'd blah,blah, blah" has played itself out.

Someone please report back to Hillary Headquarters that her supporters are all beginning to read like the robo-dialers that like to interrupt our dinners with canned messages.

[krkaufman]

33. Well, the SNL skits would be one example ...

... where Obama is portrayed as a brain-damaged moron, by the questionably talented Fred Armison (based on his imitation).

I can't really recall any other bits of satire targeted at Obama, himself, off the top of my head. His supporters seem to be taking the bigger hit. But then Obama hasn't done as many things to warrant the ridicule, as others have indicated.

[krkaufman]

32. Yes, very likely. While Clinton supporters would be laughing their ample arses off.

What's your point? Or was it just a scientific observation?

[cui bono]

5. kick

[Patchuli]

7. Wow you and Nancrants have cheered me up

today! Thanks for making me smile with Mr.Durst's wit and wisdom! :toast:

[Rosa Luxemburg]

12. Hope Obama has plenty of garlic

[ClayZ]

13. Will Durst is one of the BEST!

K and R

[stratomagi]

14. I've been barking up the "HRC is a zombie that won't die" tree for weeks...great post!

[Unbowed]

15. Best post I've read all day! K&R!

[verges]

20. I'm betting

Bill had unnatural congress with a Voodoo Queen.

[verges]

22. This just in,

Van Helsing hired by Obama campaign.

[banned20]

25. Double Standard

Let's see...my account gets suspended for a pro-Hillary piece and Obama supporters are free to post words supporting the concept that she should be killed with a stake through her heart. Now that I'm banned, I can use words to describe what DU has become....you people are a bunch of sick fuckers.

[babylonsister]

26. Will Durst is a "COMEDIAN". Get it? Satire? Ha ha?? Guess not.

Maybe this will encourage another ban, or not. If you're banned, why are you here?

[banned20]

27. Answer

Alias will be banned shortly once IP match is made.

I also understand posting the words of others for proxies for one's own thoughts. Another organization that doesn't seem to understand satire is the US Secret Service.

[krkaufman]

35. No, probably not, since they're a bit shy on a sense of humor.

Which makes me think they'd be pretty annoyed by some petulant twits forwarding them satire bits for "security threat" review.

What a hoot. Thanks for the humorous start to the day... should you happen to not yet be gonzo.

[krkaufman]

30. LOL. Worth the read just to hear his Dream Ticket comment.

What a hoot. (no excerpt here. ya gotta earn it.)

[Stuckinthebush]

36. That was coffee-on-the-keyboard funny!

Thanks for the laugh!

:hi: