Get me rewrite!(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.)

[Demeter]

http://www.miamiherald.com/dave_barry/story/486389.html


(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.)

On behalf of the newspaper industry (new, cost-cutting motto: ''All the News That''), I am announcing some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say ''serve you better,'' I mean ''increase our profits.'' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors. To help you better understand our current situation, let's review the history of newspaper finances:

The earliest known newspaper, published in 59 B.C. in Rome, was called Acta Diurna (literally, the Portland Oregonian). The first issue offered coverage of Roman politics (''Strom Thurmond Elected to Senate''); science news (''Study Shows Thunder Is Actually Gods Burping''); and an early episode of the comic strip ''Nancy,'' in which Sluggo tries to avoid paying admission to the Colosseum by peeking through a knothole, and gets a spear through the eyeball. Unfortunately, Acta Diurna was not profitable, because every copy had to be entirely handwritten by slaves (called ''reporters''); if a big story broke, a huge, hairy man (the ``editor'') would yell, ''Stop the presses!'' and whack them with a club.

The first important financial advance for newspapers came in 1451 when Johann Gutenberg (literally, ''Joe Goodberg'') invented the printing press, which made it possible for a newspaper to cheaply and accurately reproduce every single error thousands of times. But the real turning point came in 1609, when the publisher of the German newspaper Der Postentimesennewsenregisterentribune (literally, Grit) invented the ''Presidents Day sale,'' which made modern newspaper advertising possible, and which is still in use today, though nobody has any idea who the ''presidents'' are.

The newspaper industry spread to America, where, by the 20th century, virtually every town had a locally owned newspaper with a name like The Chronic Prevaricator or The Register-Sphincter, which kept the community abreast of local politics (''City Council Attacked by Pig'') as well as national issues (''Strom Thurmond Still Alive''). These were family operations run by people who were less concerned about making large profits than about keeping their body parts out of the presses....

CONTINUES AT LINK

JUST A LITTLE PRESS-BASHING FROM ONE OF THE BEST SATIRISTS ALIVE. AT LEAST, I THINK HE'S ALIVE....

[LiberalEsto]

1. Funny

I remember being a newspaper reporter, back in the olden days.
Of the six papers I've worked for, only two remain in existence today. And it looks like one of those has acquired the other.

It wasn't my fault! Really!

[BobTheSubgenius]

2. Really like Dave Barry.

Thanks!