Episode 21: Wasilla, part 1

[ThShifties]

Scene: another morning campaign strategy meeting at McCain headquarters, with Karl Rove disciple Steve “Bullethead” Schmidt presiding. The Senator and his pick for VP are on the road, campaigning.

Steve Schmidt: Wow. The Senator hit it out of the park. What a terrific VP pick.

The aides remain silent.

Schmidt: I mean, is she great or what?

More silence.

Schmidt: All right. Out with it.

Aide: I just have the one question. Who the fuck is Sarah Palin?

Schmidt: sighs Read the bio, asshole.

Aide: I did. That’s why I’m asking.

Schmidt: She’s a woman with a remarkable personal story. With an exemplary record of achievement.

Aide: Any of those achievements happen to extend farther than, say, metropolitan Fairbanks, Alaska?

Schmidt: sighs again Look, the Senator says she’s a change agent. And he wants to be the guy who represents change in this election.

Aide: Um, Steverino, what about the experience angle that we’ve nailed to his forehead for the past six months? Was that just bullshit?

Schmidt and the other aides turn and stare at him in disbelief.

Schmidt: That was bullshit, Hal. I’m surprised you didn’t know. We’re in the bullshit business, after all.

Aide: So we don’t really think Obama’s inexperience is a problem?

Schmidt: Of course not. Don’t be a douche. Look, conservatives don’t want somebody with talent running the country. If we did, do you honestly think we’d have picked George W. Bush? Give me a break.

To us, President is like the hood ornament on a Rolls Royce. Not really necessary, but people expect to see it up there.

Aide: And we don’t care about truth, either.

Schmidt: We push product. We’re not Quality Control. That’s a different department.

Aide: It just makes me feel like a complete whore.

The others laugh uproariously.

Schmidt: Not a complete whore. There’s one percent that really believes your own bullshit. That’s what makes you good at your job.

Aide: shaking head I hate you, Steve.

Schmidt: I hate you too, Hal. But the GOP needs your talents at this moment in history.

Aide: For the moment.

Schmidt: For the moment. But if you give me any more shit about this nomination, I swear I’m going to poison your food.

Aide: I know you will, Steve.

Schmidt: Good. Now let’s get down to business. Is it fair to describe Sarah Palin as the female Teddy Roosevelt?

Scene: The Palin household. Early morning.

Sarah Palin: Todd, where’s my fucking deodorant?

Todd Palin: Where you left it. Look, I know you’re upset, but believe me, nobody cares about some little family tiff with your sister’s ex-husband.

Sarah: I’m supposed to be a reformer, Todd. Not the sort of person who replaces a perfectly competent public official simply because he won’t do her dirty work for her.

They look at one another.

Todd: I suppose he could have a snowmobile accident.

Sarah: Too late now.