Episode 22: Wasilla, part 2

[ThShifties]

Scene: a coffee shop in Wasilla, Alaska. Two rather disreputable looking men sit in a booth. One sips coffee and complains it’s too hot. The other, much larger and scruffier-looking, is tearing strips off a napkin. A third man in a flannel shirt slides into the seat across from them.

Todd P.: The chicken lays best at full moon.

First man: What the fuck did you say?

Todd: The chicken lays best at full moon. That’s the password. You’re supposed to say, “not during high summer.”

First man: I don’t remember anything about a password.

Todd: Of course you do. I went over it on the phone.

First man: Suit yourself. So, like, what sort of crime you looking for?

Todd: Shhhh. People can hear you.

First man: It’s Alaska, bub. Nobody hears anything. Even if they want to. By the way, that’s a nice snow machine in the back of your truck.

Second man: I like to ride. Mimes a steering wheel. Vroom, vroom.

Todd: That’s terrific, really, but my time is limited, and…

First man: Okay, okay. Just making conversation. You don’t want to be sociable, I can dig it. So, is it murder?

Todd: horrified Of course not! Don’t say that! Don’t even think it! It’s just a little kidnapping. Temporary only.

First man: A snatch job, eh? Labor intensive. It’ll cost ya. In the first place, how long you want the bitch held?

Todd: It’s not a woman.

First man: You’re not like, gay or anything, are you? I know, I know, don’t say that, don’t even think it.

Todd: Just keep him out of circulation for a couple months. Till November 5, at least. Possibly a few more days, till they finish counting.

First man: It’s September, bubby. That’s two fucking months. Where we supposed to stash him?

Todd: I have one of those winter rental places near Sitka. Nobody goes there in the summer.

First man: Okay, what’s the guy’s name?

Todd: One thing that you should know – he’s a State trooper.

First man: Out of your fucking mind, aren’t you?

Todd: Not at all. I’ve figured it all out.

First man: You have, eh? So why this guy?

Todd: It’s… a private family matter.

First man: Boning your wife, huh? I know, don’t say that, don’t even think it. So you gonna drug him? Guys like you always want to drug them.

Todd: As a matter of fact…

First man: Look, suppose we do snatch him. Why bother holding him? We could have him zotzed.

Todd: What did you say?

First man: Drilled. Punctured. Sink a well in his forehead.

Todd: We support drilling as a rule. But the family…

First man: Look, is this guy protected or something?

Todd: We’re not protectionists. But my sister-in-law, she’d have a problem with anything… permanent.

First man: This is a fucking custody dispute, isn’t it? I hate custody disputes.

Todd: It started that way. Now there’s a lot more at stake.

First man: Money?

Todd: The fate of a nation.