Point of Order

[Daveparts]

Point of Order
By David Glenn Cox


Mister Speaker, as a former resident of Alabama for twenty-five years, let me add for the record that in the last half century the residents of Alabama have been derided, chastised, and abused over their culture, or lack thereof. Their poor school systems and their high drop-out rate have made them the butt of the nation's jokes for too long.

I move, Mister Speaker, that we honor the nominee, Sarah Palin, for showing the world that it is Alaska that should be considered the new Alabama! While Alabama was once a hotbed of radical secessionists, that title has also moved to the Alabama of the north, Alaska!

I move, Mister Speaker, that all jokes once associated with Alabama be renamed for Alaska. For example, “How do they know the toothbrush was invented in Alaska?” Because if it had been invented anywhere else they would have called it the teeth brush. Mister Speaker, Alabama has been maligned with such jokes and jokes about the loose morals and teenage unwed mothers for too long.

In future such questions as, “Is it all right for a teenage mother to let her children smoke in the house?” be directed towards Alaska and not Alabama. “Why wasn’t Jesus born in Alaska?” because they couldn’t find a virgin. And the mobile home with the white columns in front of it will, in future, refer to the governor's mansion in Juneau, and not in Montgomery.

Mister Speaker, we admire the fiancée of young Bristol Palin for stepping forward to do the right thing. Teenage girls need seventeen-year-old husbands that describe themselves as a “Fucking Redneck.” I’m sure he will make her and the baby very happy. For too long it has been only Southern candidates that have spouses with DUI’s in their backgrounds. For years Alabama was alone in lowering property taxes and cutting budgets for libraries and museums to build unneeded sports facilities.

For years Alabama was alone in scaring the elderly with talk of raising property taxes by three mill and offering instead to increase the sales tax by a penny.What they don’t know won’t hurt them, right? Fifty or sixty dollars in property tax versus several hundred in sales taxes, that’s fiscal conservatism at its finest! Let someone else pay for unneeded city facilities; besides that library and museum are full of nothing but ideas! Dangerous ideas!

In truth those libraries need very few books. History? Read your Bible! Science? Read your Bible! Sex education? Don’t read anything! That is your parent’s job to teach you about sex. And if your parents happened to have eloped when they were young and their baby came a few months early, then why not you? That baby is a gift from God, and now you know how to get on God’s gift list. Think of it as a surprise gift from God, and sex education would have taken all the surprise out of it!

We, too, in Alabama had a Governor who wanted to sell the state aircraft, but this was prior to Ebay so instead they pushed it towards the side of the highway and put a For Sale (will trade for nice pick up) sign under the wiper blade. We also honor Mrs. Palin for her support for proposition two, keeping it legal to hunt wolves in Alaska with aircraft. We in Alabama also fight restrictive hunting laws imposed by those who just don’t understand our culture. It is now illegal in Alabama to shoot fiberglass ornamental deer in residential neighborhoods; to my mind if it's got antlers then it should be fair game.

We admire Mrs. Palin’s support for the bridge to nowhere. When you live in the middle of nowhere a bridge to the other side of nowhere can be very useful. Alaska, like Alabama, needs good roads and we look with pride to our road systems. Why, not a day goes by when the question, “Is that the road out of here?” isn’t asked a thousand times, and I’m sure under Mrs. Palin’s leadership it is or will be asked a thousand times a day in Alaska.

Mrs. Palin took a brave stand by reversing her position on the bridge, even though she had promised it to her consituants and she saw no reason to send the money back to Washington. They are the enemy, after all, aren’t they? What is the motto of the Alaska Independence party? Country first? No, Alaska first, yes, that’s it.

I move that we thank Mrs. Palin for taking the onus off of Alabama as being filled with nothing but backwoods, uneducated minions who’ll vote for any Republican that yells, "More guns and lower taxes!" Where once Alaskans were seen as rugged individualists with serious environmental concerns, under Mrs. Palin’s leadership we see more clearly Alabamians in fur coats. Drunken state troopers, ok, as long as you’re married to my sister. Pregnant teenagers, ok, 'cause he’s going to marry her. Ms. Congeniality indeed!

We commend Mrs. Palin for her fearlessness and family values. She’s not afraid to put her seventeen-year-old daughter's dilemma in the spotlight. Less courageous women wouldn’t do that. She’s a credit to her party and a fine example of John McCain’s leadership, and we thank him for her selection.

[dixiegrrrrl]

1. Great piece of satire....wonderful.

:applause: :applause: :applause: