Hustle and grift, or: Just 18 cents per kinky sex act

[Miss Authoritiva]

Hustle and grift, or: Just 18 cents per kinky sex act

Dear Chaplain Klingenschmitt:

Thank you for your recent offer to fax Congress on my behalf, warning them against the Matthew Shepherd Hate Crime Bill, also known as HR1913 and S909IS.

I was astonished to learn, as you detailed in the sample fax message, that the Matthew Shepherd Hate Crime Bill will “codif(y) protection of up to 547 types of sexually deviant behaviors.” Astonished, first, because that’s a huge number -- the Devil surely has a very good imagination indeed! Second, by the precise count -- certainly an admirable endeavor by all those involved. And third, by the fact that none of these behaviors is actually mentioned in either bill.

As carefully as I read the bills, I couldn’t find even the Top Eight Sexually Deviant Behaviors that are conveniently listed in your fax.... Incidentally, the correct term is frottage -- French, of course -- not fronteurism. I know this because of a rather unfortunate incident that occurred on a crowded elevator one day. Fronteurism sounds too American and wholesome to be a nasty sex thing; it conjures up images of John Wayne riding the wide open plains more than … well, aggressive buttocks rubbing....


Continued at Grace Nearing @ Scriptoids

[xchrom]

1. Frottage -- Fromage -- Sacre BLeu!111

[MercutioATC]

2. There are 547 types of sexually deviant behaviors?

I thought I was up on things, but I had no idea there were 547!

I guess I'm no more experienced than a Catholic schoolgirl (which, coincidentally, is #43).

[givemebackmycountry]

3. Actually, there is 549

I added two new ones early this morning.
Now, who owns the duck in my living room, and why are there a pair of waders spinning from my ceiling fan?

[lindisfarne]

4. No. There are 666. I have the complete secret list.

:evilgrin:

[MercutioATC]

5. Amateur!

"I'm a duck hunter" is #28.


Now, if you had a spark plug in your nose.....

[Mopar151]

6. First, untie the goat

He'll find his own way home, once he eats the garbage. The customary case of beer will take care of the firemen, and the cops went next door for bong hits.
He is his own damm duck, but his keeper is passed out in the Nash Metropolitan out back. Get the fan stopped, and get the waders outside, dump the contents, and run! Wait at least 24 hours, then cover the stain with peat moss.

Did you get the extra points for impressing the dogs?