Instant News, The Genius of Brit Hume

[Daveparts still]

Instant News, The Genius of Brit Hume
By David Glenn Cox

What hasn’t been said of Fox News before? Sometimes, though, you just have to give the devil his due. January is a tough month in the news business; Congress is in recess so all original comedy is in reruns.

The ratings for Fox News have been in decline, especially in that all important demographic of all their fingers and toes, to thirty-four. They have safely locked up the demographic of walk-in bath tub and casket shoppers, but like the tobacco industry they must constantly seek out new customers, the newly elderly and mentally infirm, to keep that cookie jar full.

Rupert Murdoch is not a man who accepts failure gently, and I believe that Murdoch has contacted the head honchos at Fox News and read them the riot act. “We’re losin money, God damnit. I don’t like losing money, God damnit! I don’t care what you do, hire blonder blondes with even bigger titties! I don’t care if they read the bloody news bloody naked! I want my money and if you won’t get it for me I’ll find lickspittles who can! The world is full of untalented people, so you’re easily replaced. Remember that! Remember this as well, once you’ve worked here, you’re spoiled goods!"

Rupert Murdoch is what capitalism looks like when it drops its pants and moons you! He is Adolf Hitler without any real ambition; Hitler had an insane, psychotic desire to rule over a world empire and didn’t care what he had to do to achieve it. Murdoch wants to rule over a world empire but only for the money. He is the epitome of greed and graft, of slime and corruption and makes William Randolph Hearst look like a Gregorian monk hand-copying Bibles. I'm sure Satan admires Murdoch but also fears him as a competitor.

Satan is the greatest liar in the entire world and thought himself pretty clever to have achieved that post without the expense of an open election. Murdoch runs a close second, but draws Satan’s admiration because even the great fallen Diablo hadn’t figured out a way to rake in millions by getting paid to lie to the public! When Satan admires your interloping into his racket, then by George you’ve done something! Satan had a several thousand-year head start over Murdoch and yet he never imagined anything like Fox News.

So, here you’ve got poor Brit Hume, with his hound dog eyes and the look of life-long constipation. He reminds me of what a televangelist might look like getting caught sinning red handed, but what’s this poor boy to do? Work out at the gym? That won’t cure his face-made for-radio condition. O’Reilly has got the screaming angle locked up and Beck has got the sniveling and crying angle locked up.

What does Hume do? He says, “The extent to which he (Tiger Woods) can recover, it seems to me, depends on his faith. He is said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world."

Instant news! Pure genius, evil genius, nonsensical genius but practical genius. If Sarah Palin is looking for a media advisor here’s your boy. He created a media firestorm that PT Barnum would admire out of thin air. Suddenly all media, left, right and center, were focusing on what Brit Hume said about Tiger Woods. To the Fox faithful he is their hero; to the atheists and deists he is their villain. To the comedians he is their clown, but to Rupert Murdoch, he’s money in the bank.

No one knows what is going on in Tiger Woods's life; we don’t know about his relationship with his wife, but what we do know is that Christianity offers no immunity from philandering. In fact, it seems to be a symptom of it. Secondly, Tiger Woods was earning in excess of one hundred million dollars a year, and when you earn that type of money the forgiveness of Jesus Christ becomes an abstract concept.

"We have to keep our God placated with prayers, and even then we are never sure of him--how much higher and finer is the Indian's God......Our illogical God is all-powerful in name, but impotent in fact; the Great Spirit is not all-powerful, but does the very best he can for his Indian and does it free of charge.”
(Mark Twain)

So, with the timed pause of a seasoned comedian, Hume begins making the rounds of all the Fox shows with flagging ratings and rather than apologize he reiterates, "He needs something that Christianity especially provides and gives and offers, and that is redemption and forgiveness. I was really meaning to say in those comments yesterday more about Christianity than anything else...I think that Jesus Christ offers Tiger Woods something that Tiger Woods badly needs."

Brilliant! I can see the 2012 campaign now coming into view. “Governor Palin, what would be your strategy in the upcoming trade negotiations with China?”

“I will tell the Chinese that they need something that Christianity especially provides and gives and offers, and that is redemption and forgiveness. Then we can begin trade negotiations in the shared love of Jesus Christ.”

This is a story with legs, eight of them to be exact. The more the sane protest this insanity the more the insane become inflamed at being attacked for defending their insanity. Hume is a genius; he now has job security for life, either at Fox News or in politics or even on the rubber chicken and Bible thumping circuit.

To quote Hume, “When you say the name of Jesus Christ, not to make a pun but all hell breaks loose.” Indeed, Mr. Hume, a firestorm, and the devil laughs heartily and warms himself by the embers as his junior apprentice counts his money by the firelight.

Hell, anybody can do it with tools, but it’s a skill to pull it out of thin air!

[Doctor_J]

1. Tiger would definitely be helped by turning to the religion of David Vitter,

John ensign, Mark Sanford, Jimmy Swaggart, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Tom Foley, and Dan Burton. It's helped them so much