The University of Kabul at Brazil

[Daveparts still]

The University of Kabul at Brazil
By David Glenn Cox


We’ll be right back to “Beat that Infidel,” but first this word from our sponsors. “Hello, friends, Allah be praised, my name Ima bin Blowingstuffup. Are you tired of your dead end job? Are you tired of living in the mountains and sleeping in caves with a bunch of guys named Abdul? Has it ever occurred to you what seventy-two virgins would mean to your Valentines Day budget? How can one mortal man possibly remember seventy-two birthdays or deal with seventy-two mothers in law? Aye yi yi, Allah help me!

"That’s when I decided to do something with my life, and you can too! Employers are looking for workers with today’s skills in that competitive Afghan job market. An AK-47 and a suicide belt can only take you so far in today’s job market, but now Kabul University is offering classes for all the skills that today’s employers are looking for!

"We offer classes in goat rearing, law enforcement and mud hut repair! Or the fast growing field of oil pipeline construction!"

“Hi, my name is Duit Yousef, Allah be praised. Once I was a low paid foot soldier in a war lord's private army. I was passed over for all the best suicide missions; my career was going nowhere. Then I signed up for classes at Kabul University and boom! Now my career is going places! I got my degree in law enforcement and now I guard the poppy fields. I make a good living and people look at me with a new respect and the CIA men call me sir. It worked for me and it will work for you! At Kabul University where the slogan is, 'Don’t let your future go up in smoke.'”

Full scholarships available with your Taliban GI benefits.

And now back to Afghanistan’s favorite game show, “Beat that Infidel!”

“Achmed, for fifty points and a chance to Beat that Infidel, when did you stop beating your wife?”

“I do not understand this question. Which wife, I have many?”

“Any wife, Achmed, it's not a trick question…”

“Ah, ah, ah… when she stops screaming?”

“That’s right for fifty points and a chance to Beat that Infidel!”


You think I’m kidding, don’t you?

“Radio Free Europe- Senior Afghan officials have unveiled a plan to reconcile with up to 35,000 Taliban insurgents by offering jobs and vocational training, in the hope that the scheme will gain traction in the lead-up to a major international conference on Afghanistan in London later this month.

"Elements of the plan, which could cost more than $1 billion to see through, were discussed during a one-day summit in Abu Dhabi on January 12.

"Richard Holbrooke, the United States' special envoy for Afghanistan and Pakistan, attended the event along with those two states' foreign ministers. But perhaps most welcome was the presence of foreign ministers from Jordan, the United Arab Emirates, and the participation of high-level representatives of several major Arab nations.”

In a silly, superficial, dream-like state it is a plan that might work, but only in an insane, bizzaro world where your name is Buttle. The Taliban have recaptured most of the country; private warlords are raking in millions in bribes and pay offs from the US and NATO militaries. The country is run by a corrupt puppet regime with little power outside the city limits of Kabul, but maybe if we offer them a billion-dollar Taliban GI bill they will lay down their arms.

How about we just offer them the billion dollars on the condition that they won’t laugh at us for being so naive? I can only think of three reasons why the plan won’t work. First, they hate us. Secondly, they see us as infidels and invaders and want to kill us. Third, they are winning.

Is it insane desperation or the desperation of the insane? What we have here is a failure to communicate. What they want is for us to leave their country and go home. They don’t want trade schools or jobs in oil pipeline construction. They want us to leave so that they can put their country squarely back into the fifteenth century, and I say, let them!

“Bad sportsmanship. A ruthless minority of people seem to have forgotten good old-fashioned virtues. They just can't stand seeing the other fellow win. If these people would just play the game...” Mr. Helpmann

What about the 16,000,000 unemployed in this country? What about the 400,000 Americans exhausting their unemployment benefits each month? What about the six million Americans living on food stamps alone or even less. Really, really? You want to enact a GI bill for the Taliban?

It is a dystopian fantasy world worthy of Terry Gilliam. “This is your receipt for your husband... and this is my receipt for your receipt.”

“Why? I came into this game for the action, the excitement. Go anywhere, travel light, get in, get out, wherever there's trouble, a man alone. Now they got the whole country sectioned off, you can't make a move without a form.” Harry Tuttle

“It's not my fault that Buttle's heart condition didn't appear on Tuttle's file!” Jack Lint

“Don't fight it, son. Confess quickly! If you hold out too long you could jeopardize your credit rating.”

What can you say, what song can you sing when your country is insane? You either have to laugh or cry; I’ll cry tomorrow.