Why do we still believe in monogamy?

[marmar]

from Salon.com:




Why do we still believe in monogamy?
Historian Stephanie Coontz explains why the ideal of fidelity continues to reign, despite its shameful reputation

By Tracy Clark-Flory


It seems any time a high-profile public figure strays, someone steps forward to present open marriage as the solution. Sometimes it's instead dubbed swinging, "responsible" non-monogamy, polyamory or, as sex columnist Dan Savage does in this weekend's New York Times Magazine, "monogamish."

As we're continually reminded of the problems with monogamy -- most recently courtesy of Anthony Weiner and Arnold Schwarzenegger -- we seem to keep rediscovering this solution anew, or reinventing the marital wheel, if you will. There is at once a desire for a way to avoid the pain and humiliation of failed monogamy and yet resistance to actual alternatives. With these issues at the fore of the American subconscious, Times writer Mark Oppenheimer devotes his feature to detailing Savage's personal solution: deemphasizing marital monogamy in favor of total honesty. That philosophy can manifest itself in countless ways -- from simply refusing to let an affair destroy a partnership to agreeing ahead of time that sex with others is OK.

But, at least to my mind, the more interesting question is why we still resist the concept of committed non-monogamy. Historian Stephanie Coontz, who is quoted only briefly in the Times piece, is uniquely poised to answer that question, having written the authoritative "Marriage, a History." I spoke to Coontz by phone about evolving cultural definitions of romantic love, whether non-monogamy will ever gain acceptance and why we consider sexual fidelity so key to marriage.

What kind of cultural history is there for open marriage?

Not very much! In the late 18th century what was quite open was that men had rights that women didn't have. We have stunning letters from American men of that period talking to fellow male friends, including a brother-in-law or a father-in-law, about how they contracted syphilis from a whore, how they visited a cute little prostitute! They were fully open about their non-monogamy but totally unaccepting of women's non-monogamy. But that's not what Dan Savage means by open marriage; he means equal rights to non-monogamy. ...............(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.salon.com/life/infidelity/?story=/mwt/feature/2011/07/03/monogamy

[xchrom]

1. Wow. This was unreced?

Anyway - monogamy is not in my nature - I have no use for it.

[Rebubula]

7. I unreced

Simply because you groused about it.

That is my law.


Monogamy works for me. Your mileage may vary....

[Warpy]

2. Yeah, and the men who caught syphilis from whores came home

and gave it to their wives and they passed along to any subsequent children. One of my grand aunts was the beneficiary of open marriage for men.

As for the women, "daddy" wasn't always daddy, either, which is why the law stated any child born within a marriage belonged to the marriage. It insured support and custody in case of death.

When there are adequate safeguards against disease and we can persuade males to use them, perhaps there will be fewer problems with open marriage.

[Demeter]

3. Open Marriage Is Not Marriage

It destroys families, not builds them. It tears apart communities.

If one doesn't value family, or community, then that is no barrier. Go ahead, do what you want, don't give a moment's thought to anyone else.

But if one wants to have friends and family at the 50th anniversary party, open marriage isn't the way to go.

My great-grandparents and grandparents celebrated 50ths; my parents only made it to 43 when my mother died.

When the sociologists talk about Narcissism, and Sociopathy, this is exactly what they are talking about.

[Doctor_J]

9. Yeah, I don't get it

if you want to be polygamous, just don't get married. And get a vasectomy

[rainy]

4. I believe we were meant to mate for life. By nature

some animals stay together as long as it takes to raise the young. I think this is why we tend to stay together, but, after that, it's nice, if you are still in love to share in the joy of more family to come. There is pride in seeing children and grandchildren grow up and in knowing there is a blood connection. I do realize that a blood connection is not necessary for love to flow between adults and children but one would think each that created the young would stick around long enough to raise them and longer.

[Moostache]

5. Just a bad idea....

For anyone who allows their sex life to become the focal point of their existence, more variety is never enough and the next "conquest" is never satiating.

The kind of selfishness it takes to WANT a polygamist relationship over a committed one is unsuited for marriage in the first place. Put it to you this way, if you cannot have the self-control to tell someone hitting on you that you are extremely flattered but physically and emotionally unavailable, then you do not have any business being in a marriage of any kind anyway.

I look at this kind of sentiment as an offshoot of the attitudes that have kept gay marriage as a taboo for decades beyond the point it should have ceased to matter to anyone outside of the parties in the marriage -this whole idea that our sexual drive and urges are so overbearing that we cannot possibly control them so why bother? That is crap, pure and simple.

I love my wife dearly and part of that love is an understanding that causing her pain - physical or emotional is painful to me. It is that love and desire to make her happy and to safeguard her emotional and physical well-being that matter more to me than a fling or tryst or affair. The other thing that is so important is communication and open and frank discussions of each partner's needs - physical, emotional and psychological.

I have just one thing to say to advocates of being "kinda-married"....DON'T GET MARRIED AT ALL. No one is forcing you to do it and if you hold the institution in such low regard, do something else....live together, live adjacent, live communally....just don't get "married".

[spin]

6. King Solomon had a solution ...

Solomon

Solomon (Hebrew: שְׁלֹמֹה, Modern Shlomoh Tiberian Šəlōmōh ISO 259-3 Šlomo; Arabic: سليمان‎ Sulaymān; Greek: Σολομών Solomōn) was, according to the Book of Kings<1> and the Book of Chronicles,<2> a King of Israel and according to the Talmud one of the 48 prophets,<3> is identified as the son of David,<4> also called Jedidiah (Hebrew יְדִידְיָהּ) in 2 Samuel 12:25, and is described as the third king of the United Monarchy, and the final king before the northern Kingdom of Israel and the southern Kingdom of Judah split; following the split his patrilineal descendants ruled over Judah alone.

The Hebrew Bible credits Solomon as the builder of the First Temple in Jerusalem,<4> and portrays him as great in wisdom, wealth, and power, but ultimately as a king whose sin, including idolatry and turning away from God, leads to the kingdom being torn in two during the reign of his son Rehoboam.<5> Solomon is the subject of many other later references and legends.

In the Qur'an, he is a Prophet, known as Sulaiman.

Wives

According to the Bible, Solomon had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. The wives are described as foreign princesses, including Pharaoh's daughter and women of Moab, Ammon, Sidon and of the Hittites. These wives are depicted as leading Solomon astray.<6> The only wife that is mentioned by name is Naamah, who is described as the Ammonite.<7> She was the mother of Solomon's successor, Rehoboam.

King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba, painting by Piero della Francesca
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solomon#Wives

Some say that King Solomon was very wise but he must have also been very potent in the days before Viagra. Either that or there were a lot of unhappy women in his household. I question his wisdom, in my experience one woman can be difficult enough. I would have traded a few off on a custom chariot with a lot of horsepower.

[Doctor_J]

8. Gingrinch doesn't

Neither do Boner or Limpballs. Slightly o/t

[Fuddnik]

10. "Hey everybody! We're all gonna get laid!"

Rodney Dangerfield, in "Caddy Shack".

[keysoftheraw]

11. Agreed.

I agree, Conservatism just wants to say, society has progressed this far, and lets just stop right here, we have it right now, but I think 100 years from now we see more open relationships.

[yurbud]

12. didn't we go through the sexual revolution and get herpes and AIDS? This column is a narcisssistic

embarrassment.