The Roommate Revolution: Why Living Alone is Overrated

[marmar]

from YES! Magazine:



The Roommate Revolution: Why Living Alone is Overrated
At 37, Leilani Clark thought she was too old and too independent for roommates. But she soon found herself loving the sharing life...and she’s not alone.

by Leilani Clark
posted Sep 16, 2011


Last December, I separated from my husband. We’d been married for two years and had lived together for almost four years. I remember ruefully telling a friend, as I flailed through the rough seas of transition, “I can’t imagine having roommates again, after all this time and not at my age.”

In hindsight, the statement seems strange, as though someone that I didn’t know had said it. But at the time, it made sense. I’d lived with romantic partner for years, and my roommate experience before that had been rocky and had ended badly. I’d grown to love the easy companionship of living with my partner, the way that routine seemed easier to come by, and how it felt like I could just be myself in our shared domestic space. Having roommates seemed like something people do in their twenties. As someone with a firm belief in the power of community, this bourgeois attitude now surprises me. But something was ingrained. A sneaking voice whispered, “You’re 37 years old. You are a professional woman. If you are not married with kids, then you should live by yourself. Get it together.”

And so I set out to find a place of my own, and was stoked when a studio opened up in my first-choice neighborhood. It was a converted garage, with a box-sized bathroom and a shower that was actually in the doll-sized kitchen, next to the mini-stove and refrigerator. This was very European, I told myself. The studio was off the street and private, surrounded a sweet garden, right off the bike path, near downtown and biking distance from my work. It seemed perfect and so I proceeded to start my new life, living alone.

At first, I reveled in the independence. I loved to cook the foods that I liked in the kitchen, to sing out loud, and to do things on my own time. But after a few months, a sense of isolation began to take its toll. I hated coming home to a dark, silent house after a night out with friends. My neighbors were rarely home and I often felt nervous making my way into the badly lit backyard, waiting for the shadows to jump out and attack. I have a dog, and the guilt set in about the long hours he spent alone in the studio while I went to work. The breaking point came when I spent an entire weekend alone, suffering through a bad cold and unable and unwilling to reach out to anyone. The phrase “I could disappear, and no one would know,” ran through my head. ..........(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-roommate-revolution-why-living-alone-is-overrated

[Bunny]

1. Meh. I'm glad she figured out what she needed.

I think I'd open a vein before I'd ever have a roommmate.

[monmouth]

2. You and me both. My independence is my glory...n/t

[elocs]

3. I agree totally. People: a nice place to visit, but I don't want them living with me.

I thoroughly and completely enjoy living alone.

[ladywnch]

21. same here.........................

and I'm married.

[monmouth]

24. Bwaaahahaha, sorry, that just struck me so funny....n/t

[ladywnch]

26. even in comedy, there's a grain of truth........ n/t

[mwb970]

16. I love my friends, but I don't want to live with any of them.

I LOVE "coming home to a dark, silent house after a night out with friends"! It's how I recharge so I can be at my best next time I am with them.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

27. I felt the same way a year ago...

...then I had to do it. Every day since, I've felt like opening a vein. Every day since, I've worked toward having my freedom, independence, and NO ROOMMATES again. I don;t see it happening this year. Next year, God willing.

It was not an epiphany. It was not something I always thought I'd hate, and then when it happened, I realized how much I loved it.

EVERY day is a "I feel like opening up a vein" day. EVERY FUCKING DAY.

It's a roof over my head. That's what I keep telling myself. That's what my friends tell me, too. But it's a roof and nothing more. I was never cut out to live in a fucking commune, and until the day I die, I still won;t be cut out for it.

[NJCher]

4. I agree with the writer

Even those of you who don't think you'd like such an arrangement might change your minds if there were more of a space-separate arrangement. For example, I know of a place which is very old and has a lot of doorways into it. Each person who shares the house (there are 3) has their own separate entrance, their own bath, and a separate area of the house with their own kitchen facilities. It's almost like a triplex but it's still just one house. There is plenty of parking and there are gardens, decks, and patios which any of the three can use.

Yet everyone in that house is friendly and enjoys socializing with each other. I know of no disagreements or problems there and it's an arrangement that's been in existence for over five years.

I think something like this can be successful and by far much healthier than living alone.


Cher

[Lydia Leftcoast]

5. A bunch of other older single women and I have started talking about

setting up a student-style house. It's just at the talking stage, but as we grow older, the idea of having someone around seems more attractive.

[NJCher]

9. I think that's a fabulous idea

If I didn't have a spouse, I'd do the same. I think it can work out great, especially if people have their own "mini-apartment" so they can feel like they have their own space. If anything ever happens to my husband, I would definitely consider a similar arrangement.

There are just too many advantages that other people bring to the table. For one thing, there's the skill set. In the house I mention above, there's a lawyer, a professor, and an artist. During a bad storm, ice formed on tree branches and was threatening to bring the power lines to the house down.

The professor designed a makeshift tool to knock the ice off the trees, but didn't have the patience to actually knock the ice off. Enter the artist, who, with paint-dabbing skills, had the eye and the skill to knock off the ice from the branches (all from the window of the house). I was there and it was an amazing thing to see!

Car breaks down? Call a housemate. They'll come get you and in this house, they even drive each other around until the other person's car is fixed.

These are just a few of the advantages I see in their arrangement--but let's not forget that a $300 utility bill now becomes a $100 utility bill if there are two others in the household.


Cher

[raccoon]

31. A space-separate arrangement might be tolerable. Oh, and make sure your roommate isn't a deadbeat.

But of course you could check on that ahead of time and still end up with a deadbeat.

[safeinOhio]

6. I choose to live alone

and think I'm miserable, rather than live with someone and know I'm miserable.

[virgogal]

7. I love living alone.

[msongs]

8. people yes, their dogs, no thanks lol nt

[Myrina]

12. Dogs yes, other people no.

Different strokes for different folks.

[madamesilverspurs]

10. Just visit, please.

A few years ago I reconnected with a roomie from early college days. She'd recently regained single status and wanted to be closer to her son and grandkids. When she found out that they lived about an hour from me she suggested that we find a house to rent and split the bills. She didn't expect me to burst into laughter at the suggestion. When I calmed down I was able to remind her of how badly our original 'Oscar and Felix' routine had played out. I've been to her house, and she can outFelix Felix. I'm not a total slob, but I'm not likely to have a psychotic episode when my Oscar emerges. We're still friends, thanks in no small part to separate domiciles. Whew!

-

[Sarah Ibarruri]

11. I think it'd be hard to talk Americans into living with others. Americans prefer their isolation

I think it's very different in other countries. There is one good thing about living with a roommate, it costs less. For some people that can mean the difference between living hand-to-mouth and having a little money saved up for a rainy day. That becomes important in such a dangerous economy as that we're living in today.

[whathehell]

15. "Americans prefer their isolation" or "Americans prefer their privacy"?

Give me a break...Not everyhting needs to be

framed in "American Negative".:eyes:

[Sarah Ibarruri]

20. What's negative about Americans wanting to not be socializing?

Americans WANT their own separate land, not to be squished up against others like Europeans live. I've talked to plenty of Americans about this, and you'd be hard pressed to find some that would want to live where people are next door, above them, below them, right outside their house, and where there are cafes and stores next door to them.

They want their isolated house, on their own, isolated land, all their own, to spend time fixing up on their free time, and if they want someone to visit that place, they will pick up the phone, and call them and an appointment or time will be scheeduled.

What's negative about pointing out cultural desires, differences, wants and needs???

Get over yourself.

I've lived in Europe, Israel and the U.S. and the way the people in them LIKE and WANT to live are not identical. I don't know what planet you've been on.

[whathehell]

22. "Isolation" isn't a word which conjures up positive images,

and I'm sure you know that, so it does seem as if you are now trying to "walk it back".

"I've talked to plenty to Americans about this, you'd be hard pressed to find some that would want to live where people are next door, above them, below them, right outside their house, and where there are cafes and stores next door to them".

Well, big whoop...You'd be hard pressed to find "some" of any national group of people, who identify completely

with the desires of all or the majority of their countrymen regarding living situations.

After all, there are city dwellers, suburbanites and rural communities in all of those countries, are there not?

The fact is, most Americans now live IN or around big cities, not in small towns or in rural "isolation".

Beyond that, There are many factors, money being one of them, which determine how and where people live; I would bet many

in EVERY nation have little choice as to whether to live close to their neighbors or "in isolation" as you put it.

Like my parents and grandparents, I grew up in a row house in a big city. Some of the third and fourth generation continue

to live in the city, some in the suburbs, but NONE of us lives in isolated rural areas and that is by choice.

My understanding is that the major reason Europeans tend to live closer together, is that their countries are smaller and more crowded

than the United States, which, being huge, has lots of open land and some take advantage of that fact.

As for my "planet", well, dear, I don't know where YOU are from, either, especially since you constantly

talk about "Americans" in the third person like some visiting anthropologist.

Many people here, myself included, have lived in other countries, so please "get over yourself"

on that score, and stop acting like your every opinion reflects some expertise on "Americans" that the rest of us lack.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

28. Okay, would you be happier if I replaced 'SOLITUDE' for 'ISOLATION?' nt

[whathehell]

30. I doubt my "happiness" is of much concern to you, Lol.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

37. It's very important! nt

[BiggJawn]

29. I must be a European

Stolen at birth and spirited to the Yoo-Ess-Ay, because I'd LOVE to have shops and cafes within walking distance or across the street or wherever close by.

Yes, a lot of Americans want their "little bit of Heaven", and Kunstler went into great detail why that's a fallacy in "The Geography of Nowhere".

[whathehell]

32. Nah...You just have to leave the suburbs.

I know of NO major city in America, not to mention

untold numbers of small towns, where this scenario is not in play.

[BiggJawn]

33. I live in a small town.

I got a Pizza King just down the street, next to the Ford dealer.

Maybe what I meant to say was I'd be happy for another Liberal here to talk to.

[whathehell]

35. Okay.

Some small towns are hip..Most not so much, I guess.

As for liberals to talk to, I'm certainly one

and you can pm me if you'd like.:-)

Edited to add: I live in the state of Illinois

and I see you live in that red state south

of me. Let's talk.

[BiggJawn]

38. I'm in the red state East of you.

The one with the anti-gay State Rep who got caught with a RentBoi?

[whathehell]

39. Yes,

Indiana, correct?

I'd move out of that state if I could, BJ.

[tech5270]

13. The story presents a challenge we may all face

I quit working and separated from my wife of 29 years in '02. Rather than staying in the NY Metro area, I moved back to the W. PA area I grew up in and my parents still lived. My profession had become a joke and there were no good alternatives. When my Mom had her last driving accident it didn't take much to convince her to give up her driving privileges. It wasn't long before they convinced me to move into the homestead and make sure the hard work could be done.
For me this was the best of all possible worlds. I got to reconnect with my parents after 15 years of physical separation and repay what they had provided for me in my youth.

I think the moral of my story, as is yours, is that as much as we might want to be independent, we also need to know that we are connected to the world around us. It may be family, friends, co-workers, or just people on the street.

I always go back to the theme of the Bioneers, "we are all connected". Everything that affects you affects me. If we live by that concept, there is no way that we can just disappear.

jgh

[Blue_Tires]

34. welcome to the site!

[awoke_in_2003]

14. I love my wife, and enjoy her company...

that being said, if she went before me I would never take a roommate- I enjoy my privacy, and can socialize at work.

[mulsh]

17. Its great the author is so enthusiastic about living with roommates

since she lives in one of the most expensive areas in the country. The middle age people I know who live with roommates are not nearly as enthusiastic or up beat about it but are grateful they can stay in the bay area. My friends who grew up here but live in other, more affordable parts of the country are clueless about how expensive it's gotten to live anywhere in the greater bay area. Yes its a wonderful thing to be recently single, in your thirties and trying to afford bay area rents on the gradually diminishing purchasing power of your pay check. kudos to the author

[bread_and_roses]

18. I'm surprised by the number who reject the idea out of hand...

... although I think that it is obviously an individual choice at this point in our culture, I also think that the model of isolated living (whether in famille if partnered/with children - or alone if single) is somewhat aberrant and at least pretty new in history (btw, I use the word "aberrant" in the sense of differing from the usual, not in a pejorative sense - I myself am wayyy at the upper end of the introvert scale, and so need lots and lots of alone time; depending on physical space and the personalities of the other occupants, sharing housing could be a nightmare for me).

Many long years ago I worked in a program that sought to identify young children who were at risk of abuse or neglect, and to intervene with education/support etc. for their parents in an attempt to avert it. I began then to question the automatic assumption that the "nuclear" family arrangement made sense as a "norm." Trudging from one shabby apartment to another occupied most often by a very young mother (under 20) with one or more infant or toddler to care for all by herself, seeing these young "women" (some were truly girls) - staggering with exhaustion, trying to cope with electric bills they couldn't afford, dragging a newborn out to the store because there was no one else to take care of it, going without a phone because they couldn't afford one, I began to think how much easier their lives would be if even two or three shared housing/expenses/helped each other with care.

I realize that neither the article nor the responses in the thread are directed at people with children, but it seems to me that for many single adults, some of the same factors apply. Not for all, but probably for many. Probably even for some like me, who need lots of alone time.

Certainly, isolated living was not the norm throughout most of human history, and is largely a product of industrial society. And the burden on the earth of individual housing is horrific.

If we are to survive, we probably will have to move toward more communal forms of sustaining ourselves, including more shared use of space. And for children, I think that would be a far better arrangement, since over the years I've come to believe that raising children in the isolated nuclear family may be the most dysfunctional "norm" - and the most dangerous for children - of any possible arrangement for child-bearing and raising.

For adults, I'm all for individual choice, but think that much of our preference for isolated living space is culturally induced, and malleable. There will always be introverts, but isolated living may not always be the norm. For the sake of children and the earth, I hope it is not.

[NJCher]

23. very interesting point about children

I had never thought about the children aspect. I think your post is one of the most thought-provoking on this thread.

Thinking a little more about it, raising children in very demanding. I think of my friends with children and it seems as though their lives are run by the kid. They are always driving to gymnastics, taking kids to play dates, picking them up from violin lessons, or whatever. The situation you describe:

I began to think how much easier their lives would be if even two or three shared housing/expenses/helped each other with care.

could allow the parents more freedom. I was shocked when I heard what my friends pay for a babysitter for a night out: $80! Add $80 to the cost of dinner or movie/theater, and there won't be too many nights out.

But with this communal living idea, the mothers could trade out child care. And one would know the babysitter.

Very practical.

I do understand what the people on this thread are saying about their privacy and how they need their space. I just think that a dwelling could be set up in such a way that each person could have their own private space, yet still have the advantages of sharing the building and the responsibilities of keeping it up.



Cher

[BiggJawn]

19. I've been living alone ever since my daughter left for college 10 years ago.

I'm not all that sure I could tolerate another person in the apartment even if we were in mad, crazy LUST with each other.
I turned the second bedroom into a workshop/Ham radio room, and the "eclectic" decorative motif is all mine and I like it.

It's bad enough I'll have to find somebody to move in with to share expenses once I get too old and sick to work (used to say "retired") let's not hurry things along any, OK?

[swilton]

25. Post materialism

[Hell Hath No Fury]

36. I currently have 2 roomies -

living in my home (and paying the mortgage) and it has been a great experience. That said, I have had other roomies prior and it has sometimes been a nightmare. It's all about the quality of people you bring in -- I have seriously lucked out with the current duo. It is a multi-story house so I can disappear downstairs to my space anytime I wish for the quiet and privacy I need, but have the chance for a little socializing or help with chores/repairs when I need it.

Certainly not for everyone, but it works for me.