WP: Father Transformed by Anguish: Man Burned Self After Son's Iraq Death

[DeepModem Mom]

A Father Transformed by Anguish
Scars Define the Man Who Burned Himself After Son's Death in Iraq
By David Finkel
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, January 16, 2005; Page A01


BOSTON -- Another day of trying to recover.

Once again, Carlos Arredondo, whose reaction to the death of his son became one of the iconic images of the Iraq war, is reading the last e-mail he received from him. "I'm in najaf," the e-mail from Marine Lance Cpl. Alexander Scott Arredondo begins, and those three words are enough to make a 44-year-old father once again feel as though he is on fire.

Every bit of Arredondo's skin is coated with antibiotic cream. His left palm has glass in it from when three Marines informed him that Alex was dead and he began smashing the windows of their van. His lower legs, which received the worst of the burns from when he splashed gasoline in the van and ignited it, are stained the color of cranberries. His hair, cut off in the hospital, is only now starting to grow back. His fingernails, ruined when he used his hands to claw holes in Alex's grave for flowers, are all gone....

***

He says he understands the meaning of grief now; less clear to him is the meaning of recovery.

"How am I going to feel better?" he says. "I have no idea."

It is a question not only for Arredondo, but for all of the survivors of the 1,300 U.S. troops killed so far in the Iraq war, the relatives who in those first moments scream and weep and slam the door and collapse. "The beginning of the war" is how Maj. Scott Mack, whose platoon members delivered the news to Arredondo, describes it.

And then come all the moments after, when "emotions become behaviors," says Tom Hannon, who counsels veterans and their families in Boston. The "profoundly depressed" mother of a Vietnam War veteran who has visited her son's grave every day for more than 30 years. The father of a Vietnam veteran who insisted that the name of his dead son never be mentioned again. "What's your responsibility?" Hannon says he asks parents. "Is it to flounder and fail, or is it conduct yourself in a way that honors your boy or girl? It's the difference between being a victim and a healthy survivor."...


http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A12327-2005Jan15?language=printer

[izzie]

1. Some people can not move on

Where I grew up there was a grave of a child with a glass box over it and a light was put into it every night until the mother died. It was long dark when we used to walk by it but it always made you feel sad. I recall mu grandmother could not accept her daughters death either. Some people are just like that. It just was not the time for these people to die and I think that is half the problem.

[Spinzonner]

2. I don't anyone completely 'moves on' from the death of those

close to us. It's just a matter of degrees and, as with most things, there are the rather rare extremes at each end and most in the middle with similar but varying amounts of coping.

[malaise]

4. Apparently

Bush can

[xchrom]

3. "How am I going to feel better?" he says.

"I have no idea."
doesn't that just say it all?

[cornermouse]

5. Its a pain that never really goes away.

If you're lucky, it fades enough for you to go on. But it never really goes away.

[Moderator]

6. Reason for move

Hi DMM

This is really a feature article and not breaking news.