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Edited on Thu Feb-26-04 06:29 AM by thingfish
IT'S THE STUPIDITY, STUPID!
You may or may not have noticed, but yer old pal Jerky has been struggling of late. Here at the turbulent center of these Interesting Times, trying to accurately convey the flabbergasting magnitude of the malevolent intent that informs every twist and turn of the American narrative isn't easy, especially for someone so lacking in… well, pretty much everything needed to be an effective commentator on the political scene. So, in order to cover up my glaring deficiencies, I've decided to steal a page from the mainstream media's "Guide to Lazy-Ass Reportage" and organize this administration's current, ongoing scandals into a series of "Gates." From Watergate to Zippergate, it's amazing how this four-letter suffix has historcically crystallized controversies in the voting public's mind. It's long past time somebody performed this taxonomy for Dubya and Co. And so, without further ado, away we go!
RUSSERT-GATE
(or: A Small Mind at the End of its Tether takes a Long Walk on the Short Bus)
Though the problems with Dubya's preznitcy began long before his goon squad helped install him into power via bloodless coup, it seems as though his humiliating, hour-long ordeal on last week's Meet the Press has been ground zero for a revitalized attack. All the major sensitive points were probed to a lesser or greater degree, and now, the man who was once considered to have something near to a "divine right" lock on the 2004 elections seems about as vulnerable as… oh, I don't know. How about a coalition soldier in downtown Baghdad? Yeah. That'll do.
For those of you who missed it, here's the skinny on the show. Despite taking a week to prepare, and despite the interview being conducted by a reliable administration shill - on the Preznit's own turf and terms - and despite the 24 hour delay between taping and airing, Dubya still managed to appear petulant and annoyed at having to defend himself… probably because he wasn't prepared to do so. Tongue-tied and obviously hung over, he clung to his talking points with the desperation of a drowning man. The next day, the usually simpatico right-wing op/ed echo chamber wasn't roaring with quite the same hagiographic, mythos-making bombast they usually do when extolling the Boy King's virtues. Even lunatic Wall Street Journal typist Peggy Noonan expressed doubts, causing yer old pal Jerky to momentarily wonder whether there might be an organized plot to cast incumbent Dubya in the role of "underdog/outsider" in contrast to John Kerry's much ballyhooed "establishment" "insider" "elitism." Then I realized, no, the interview really did go that badly for Dubya. Not to mention all the lies he managed to squeeze into those 44 minutes of face-time.
Meanwhile, over at the online neo-fascist utopia of FreeRepublic.com, you'd think they tuned into a frequency from an alternate universe or something. People over there were saying to themselves: "What the hell is everybody talkin' about?! My President was MAGNIFICENT on that librul medja snakepit Meet the Press!!! He's a MUCH better communicator than Bill or Hitlery KKKlimptoon!!!" Then again, they'd be saying that even if the interview had never taken place, so what's the difference? If the Orcs from the Lord of the Rings movies had a message board, it would be exactly like FreeRepublic.com. Exactly.
Scandal Impact Rating: 6 – High visibility, big buzz, with a long-lingering afterlife.
Scandal Gravity Rating: 2 – It was an “emperor wears no clothes” moment, but not much else.
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AWOL-GATE
(or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the White House Press Corps)
Of all the Gates getting ready to crash wide open on Preznit Dubya, AWOLGATE is probably the least consequential. Therefore, it naturally stands to reason that this is the scandal on which the mainstream media have decided to concentrate. As for yer old pal Jerky, he couldn't care less about the details of Preznit Dubya's National Guard service, or lack thereof. Those who continue to raise a fuss about the details - calling for the release of ever more documentation, or trying to ferret out anybody willing to say they spent a weekend helping Dubya keep Texas safe from the Vietcong air force - are missing the point, which is that even if everything Dubya and his defenders say about his National Guard service is true, it does nothing to mitigate the basic facts of the matter. These facts are:
1. That the only way Dubya could get into the Texas Air National Guard with a score of 25 on his pilot's aptitude test was if his wealthy Congressman dad pulled political strings for him.
2. That by doing so, Dubya jumped ahead of other, more deserving candidates, thus sentencing at least one of them to serve in Vietnam in his stead… a special "Get out of 'Nam Free" card he was able to pull, simply because of his family's social/economic/political standing.
3. That back then, serving in the National Guard involved a relatively cushy set of responsibilities.
4. That even the most recent, extensive "document drop" has revealed his time with the Guard to have been marked by frequent and lengthy gaps in service for which no explanation has been - or will be - forthcoming... and that's not even taking into account the four-year-old allegations that Dubya's Guard documents were scrubbed of embarrassing data, such as his alleged cocaine arrest, which would also explain why he suddenly refused to submit to medical examinations after the Guard implemented narcotics testing.
5. That creepy Veepy Dick "Spiro" Cheney, a "football hero" in high school, also avoided serving in Vietnam, telling a reporter in 1989 that he "had other priorities" than military service back then.
Perhaps if Dubya hadn't sent American soldiers (including Guardsmen) into the desert to depose a former client whose worst crimes were committed with our tacit approval during a time when he was considered a "regional asset," this AWOL thing wouldn't be such a big issue right now. Perhaps his thoughtless, "bring 'em on" attitude and his willingness to use the military as a campaign prop have made his mediocre service record fair game. Yer old pal Jerky doesn't know for sure. One thing is certain, however: that Poppy Bush did the right thing by keeping his idiot son as far away from Vietnam as humanly possible. He knew full well his Georgie-boy would have been a danger to himself and others. In the long run, he probably saved many lives.
On second thought, scratch that. If Dubya'd been fragged in 'Nam, there would be at least 535 fewer dead American soldiers than there are as of today.
Scandal Impact Rating: 9 – You couldn’t turn on the TV without hearing about it. You couldn’t open a newspaper without reading about it. White House press-dude Simple Scotty McClelland sweat off about ten lbs of baby-fat because of it.
Scandal Gravity Rating: 3 – The recent controversy has served to burn off some of the Preznit’s military support, which was already on the wane thanks to the Iraq debacle.
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