How to balance a political life against a "normal" life

[IkeWarnedUs]

My husband hates George Bush.

We were married in August 2001, just before 9/11. Before I married him my (now) husband hated and feared Bush as much as I did. On about Sept. 12th or 13th he said we needed to rally around "our president." I was appalled - the man I just married turned against everything I thought I knew about him.

He got over it and has been supportive of all of my efforts. All the protests, meetings, correspondence, long distance calls, etc. He listened to what I found out about this administration's agenda and activities (much of which came at DU) and has passed much of it along to people he works with. But tonight we went to a local bar and another patron said Kerry was wishy washy. I asked the patron what he meant and demanded evidence of his accusation. My husband told me to "cool it." The guy ended up saying he didn't want to get into in now. I told him that was fine - we would discuss it later. The patron and I parted friendly, but slightly on edge.

Now my hubby is pissed that I had to "make a scene."

If someone said something about my mother no one would question my defense.

If someone told me I was ugly and stupid, hubby would have jumped all over them.

The direction our country is headed and the American lives being lost are more important than any vanity about my mother or my self. How the hell can he (hubby) think I should keep quiet - PC be damned!



How do other DU'ers balance their political knowledge against their "normal" lives?

[JaySherman]

1. Basically, I try to avoid the topic with strangers.

I'm a bit paranoid these days. And I'm normally selective about who among my friends and family I discuss matters with or send e-mails to. Unless it's something I really feel people should know about. I try to avoid getting into it with people unless I know they're open-minded enough to at least listen to what I have to say, whether or not they agree. The true freepers or repugs I know, I don't even bother trying to convince otherwise.

Sometimes I've found it's better to just not waste your time.

Your hubby probably wanted go have a few drinks and not deal with politics all.

[NuttyFluffers]

2. i see where he's coming from, but.

political life is your normal life. everything in life is affected by politics, so only fools don't take it seriously. so don't be afraid about conflating the two.

now here's where i might see your husband's point of view - compassion and safety. ever heard the phrase when in social company avoid talking about religion and politics? well there is a reason. when at a dinner party you want to make your guests/hosts comfortable and savor their company, to set aside differences and find common ground. that's why it is tactless to have politics continuously up in the forefront of your life. you need to be multifaceted to be a whole human being. it's ok to talk about it if it naturally comes up, but one must also know when to bring it back down. that's a very difficult skill to learn. i myself lose myself to my passions in politics and have said some really mean things that i don't honestly mean. i've been working on this though. there is a happy medium somewhere, but not an easy dance for everyone to pick up. so, to be kind, it's nice to avoid such things in formal social events. (this does not apply to 'beer and pizza' casual events, by the way)

and the safety thing makes sense because you were in a bar. alcohol makes people... unwise. their sense of judgment is thoroughly shot in its influence. and violence is quite prevalent around alcohol too. so, yeah, in a bar would not be the best place to have a political argument - unless you knew the person very well. something might go wrong.

but for the most part live a political life. it's healthy, don't be afraid of it. just be judicious, when things could get out of hand it might not be the best place to 'stake your last stand.'

[anarchy1999]

3. Welcome to our world.

Sanity is gone. There is no real balance, but you find it. Sounds to me like you did well. Choose your battles well.

[IkeWarnedUs]

4. Reflections in the light of day

After I posted this I left the computer because hubby wanted to talk. I hoped he had cooled off. Not. We had fight about it, he slept downstairs and left for work early this morning without saying good bye.

I just signed on to see what DU'ers thoughts were about this and two of the three responses seem to agree with him. That I should have kept quiet.

I don't think I can.

I didn't start this. I didn't go out with an agenda. The other person wasn't shy about putting Kerry down. To put this in context, a woman came in and couldn't decide what she wanted to drink so this guy said she was just like Kerry - wishy washy and we should take a poll of the bar to see what she should have. Everyone laughed.

I didn't yell and scream. I didn't call him names. But I did challenge what he said - and agreed to talk about it another time (which I will, I have his phone number).

Part of me thinks the price for speaking out was too high (fight with hubby). But a voice inside is screaming that the price for keeping my mouth shut it even higher.

We are supposed to go to a party tomorrow night and hubby said he won't go with me unless I promise not to say ANYTHING about politics and/or world events - even if someone else brings it up. At least that's what he said last night.

I don't think I can. I don't think I want to.

I feel so alone right now.

[NMDemDist2]

5. this is so tough

I walk the neighborhood for the Democratic Party here and man Voter Registration tables at events. My fellow Dems are constantly warning me to "tone down" my passion. I try to walk the fine line and it's tough. I have been trying to practice the adage "Truth without Love is brutality" so I just keep trying to stay loving in my educational efforts.

When Gulf War I was on, I had some real knock down drag out fights with patrons at my local watering hole and lost some "friends" over it.

Sorry about the fight with your hubby, he will have time to think today. Good Luck!

[seabeyond]

8. you guys havent been married that long

further down i put my experience but it is a decade of knowing each other, and loving each other and allowing each other. so we have a pretty good site on this.

you need a sit down talk, not fight, and not a winner loser scenerio

and there needs to be compromise. i can get away with it, being a calif in texas, my husband likes i am different and takes on his friend. and never do i go to anger, and generally bring it to laughing at them, which he gets a kick out of

but he has to respect that you have voice, and need to be true to self. and it isnt his place in marriage, anywhere to take your power from you. cause always when another takes someones power, there is going to be issue.

when we were newly married, both of us good manipulators and getting our own way, and knowing when we were being manipulated, i said out loud, we are good at seeing it and not liking it, lets not even try with each other. and we dont. also had to spend time for him to learn to trust, i dont want a win lose, i want always a win win for us. women out talk men generally, and men feel at a loss, to know you arent out to have a loser makes talking much easier

good luck to you

[bleedingheart]

6. The only time my marriage was strained was when I

was campaigning for Gore for about 6 weeks.. my hubby watched the kids, and held down the fort...in the end he was a bit upset that I wasn't home more but soon got over it when Gore had the election stolen from him...(then hubby thought I should have done more)...

I remember my son asking me who Gore was and what he wanted with his mommy....

[seabeyond]

7. i dont. after a decade of marriage

the other nite i pulled out the in sickness and health, in good and bad., for my husband first time in our marriage. he says it has been three years i have been like this, and i said you shouldnt have voted for bush huh.

i have two kids.

i am not going to shut up

and he is going to have to deal with it, or leave me. wink.

[seabeyond]

9. something else husband might think about

share the thread with him for discussion so he can see for you about resolve, not fight

this man had the right to trash kerry, and all had the right to laugh, ergo support it, and you are being told to once again shut up, like the repugs have been saying for four years

[AgadorSparticus]

12. i agree. the guy brought up Kerry, he should be willing to follow through

you didn't force politics on him. he opened the can of worms all by himself. thing is, he gambled that you weren't informed and couldn't argue facts with him. he quickly realized he couldn't put up so he had to shut up. that's when a nifty parting of ways one liner would have been good. if you don't get the last word in, then he is just an ignorant dittohead chickenshit. i think you did good by calling his BS. i can see where your husband would be upset but i'm not of the "take it" persuation either. if someone has the gall to come up to me, invade my space and time with bush bullshit, then they will get an earful from me. i don't go pushing my politics on anyone else. courtesy goes 2 ways.

the only exception i make is for my republican father. he's very old and to change his mind is near impossible. i let it go to keep the peace and let him enjoy whatever years he has left on earth.

[Missy Vixen]

10. My husband is tired of it, too

We don't fight about it, but he has said several times over the past few months that he is counting the days till November. He wants his wife back.

DH has to deal with politics 24 hours a day around here. Not only do I talk about politics and DU, I am a former city councilperson. He had to deal with that as well. He's not as interested in politics as I am, so my coping mechanism has been DU and getting even more involved in local politics -- I can go to the 45th District Dems meeting and rant with other people who thinks * is as damaging to our country as I do.

In the meantime, this is IMHO, but this fight wasn't just about politics. It's about control. When your DH decided to sleep downstairs and give you the silent treatment, he's letting you know that you've "stepped out of line". If he had done something similar (had a difference of opinion with a stranger in public,) what would his reaction be if you had treated him the same way afterwards?

It's up to you. I don't live at your house. However, the fact that he thinks he can tell you what you can or cannot talk about when you're in public with him is a little scary.

Julie

[Corgigal]

11. I don't know dear

but my rule of thumb is that I won't mention it first. If someone else does it then I can throw my hat into the ring. I'm not going to let it slide. I think RW'ers expect us to be quiet and not to engage and when you do I have found they shut the flip up. However my husband knows I'm like this and while he gets stares from some he doesn't mind. Some other men have made suggestions about controlling you wife and he laughs. He wouldn't be attracted to me if he could just control me. Some men like a challenge. Maybe your husband can't handle the ribbing he will take the next day, who knows?

[Missy Vixen]

18. Corgigal, you rawk

>Some other men have made suggestions about controlling you wife and he laughs. He wouldn't be attracted to me if he could just control me.<

I've got one of those. He laughs, too. He also has told more than one guy that he's not threatened by having an intelligent, articulate spouse. :loveya:

Lucky us.

Julie

[Killarney]

13. I'm having the same problem.

My husband doesn't want me to talk politics with anyone when he's around. He's not that interested in politics himself. He also told me I wasn't "allowed" to put a Kerry bumpersticker on my car. I'm having a big problem with that because he has never told me what to do before and I'm royally pissed off. But he says he doesn't want to drive around with it on our car. I said why, you're voting for him! But he said it's embarrassing because Kerry's a tool, blah, blah, blah. :eyes:

I'm struggling with it.

The problem is, he listens to too much sports radio and they're all a bunch of tough-guy repukes.

[AgadorSparticus]

14. why don't you do what someone suggested here about the bumpersticker...

put it on a magnetic sheet. that way you can take it off whenever he is with you. or you can say that while you are in the car together, you'll keep it on YOUR half of the car and you'll take it off when you go into the stores. :evilgrin:

when i told my husband about the magnetic sheet idea, he eased up A LOT. hope it works for you. good luck!!

[seabeyond]

16. then pat on the back for you

as you smile so sweetly at him and tell him how marriage is all about compromise and see how clever you are to find such a compromise.

talked to husband about sticker, cause of attack and loss of customers for his business, and we decided a for kerry was good, not a sign in yard and not an against bush bumpersticker. all about compromise.

this is getting to be a funny thread

i guess there are more of us out there walking this fine line than i ever thought

[Az]

15. You don't talk about Religion or Politics

Thats how we got here. People letting Corporations and Religious institutions ruling their lives. You just need to remain quiet and subservient ( www.subservientchicken.com ) and those that wish to rule over you will move in where ignorance grows.

Stay quiet. Stay silent. Never wake your neighbor. Never raise a fuss. Keep your head down or they will see you. Never stand up for others. Never defend the oppressed. Never speak out against others hatred. Stay the course.

[AgadorSparticus]

17. this is what helps me with my husband....

my hubby is a democrat and hates bush too. but he's more moderate than I am. and I am FAR more passionate than he is. his personality is of the type that gets nervous around emotion (especially mine). but he enjoys hearing the "latest news" tidbits from me.

so what i do is present daily facts and latest talk to him without the emotion. i find he responds FAR BETTER to me and the subject. If emotions are thrown around, I let him be the first to bring it up. Otherwise, he feels overwhelmed by it and doesn't know what he's supposed to DO about it. (not that he has to do anything. but you know how most men have this thing about doing and not being). so i save the passions for DU.

hope it helps you.