Sending Old Men To War

[the Kelly Gang]

Sending Old Men To War

I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders
for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up
early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd
probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles.
We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side,nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.
He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more aboutlife before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right
now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

[Paradise]

1. BEE-UUU-TEE-FULL! :) n/t

[bleedingheart]

2. I am all for it!

All the warmongering chickenhawks can achieve that glory that they were supposedly denied by all those minorities snatching up the good slots during Vietnam...aka Delay.

In fact think about it.... we are already paying for medicare and social security...and if they are unfortunately offed in combat...well there is less likelihood that there will be really young dependents to pay for. (sarcasm off)

[Pepperbelly]

3. us old guys are faaaaar trickier ...

and generally recognize when a plan won't work. The officers would no doubt tire quickly of hearing, "That's dumb, asshole."

[Jose Diablo]

16. LOL

Youth and exuberance are trumped by age and treachery.

[oneighty]

4. Sure

Off to war in my mechanized wheel chair. Ahhhhh the adrenalin.

180

[Pepperbelly]

5. Maybe you could get a ...

4-wheel drive Hoveround.

:D

[oneighty]

8. Hoo Yah

I should yell out in silence with my whisper voice.

Hee hee hee!

180

[Gildor Inglorion]

6. Well, if you look at war as a biological imperative...

whose purpose is ridding the society of its excess of young males and thereby roiling the gene pool, sending the old ones off to war makes no sense. Even the Muslim suicide bombers are (often painfully) young men. I remember reading stories during the Iran/Iraq war in the 1980's of brigades of young men being give plastic "keys to heaven" and marched across minefields in order to clear the way for more valuable trucks and armored vehicles. Your point that older men are more wily is very well taken; they are MUCH too clever to be beguiled into fighting themselves. Eisenhower directed the D-Day landings from the safety of Portsmouth, England, and got hailed as a national hero, while the young men who died while wading through the surf got a plot of ground and a marble cross (or Star of David). A society could survive quite comfortably if 90% of its young men were killed. Legalization of polygamy would take about 2 days to work its way through congress. The fact that the same society could survive just fine if ALL its old men were killed is beside the point. The older men make the rules.

[oneighty]

9. Party pooper

180

[2cents]

7. Great stuff - made my day ....(still chuckling)

Being over 50, I can relate (especially the peeing part).

As the father of draft-age kids (and dreading what might be around the corner), I agree.

Thanks again - if you don't mind, I'm gonna pass it around.

[Berserker]

11. Thanks for that!!

Being 51 and a veteran myself I have to agree with alot of what you said. I laughed tears and thats a great thing to do to start your day.

[catmandu57]

10. Do you remember the antiwar commercial from

I believe "68"? They had Uncle Sam and the soviet premier I believe it was Bresnev(sp) pull up in limos with their seconds, strip down and duke it out.
It was the same premise, was the same if old men make the wars, let them fight the wars.

[bacchant]

12. Great Post

It's nuts we send our kids to die for our own foolishness. My boy wont be draft age for a few more years, but if uncle Sam shows up at my doorstep, I'll tell him "You get me or nothing, the boy stays here with his mom".

[smirkymonkey]

13. Just send old, white, wealthy, Republican

men. We will see peace on earth in no time.

[Jose Diablo]

14. I'm ready

This is one cranky, grouchy old fart thats willing. Besides that, what future do I have to look forward to, declining health in some smelly nursing home waiting for the end?

Count me in Kelly.

[SOteric]

15. The single most compelling reason, of course, would be

that politicians might think much longer about diplomatic solutions before starting a war, - if they thought they might end up having to actually fight them.

[TacticalPeek]

17. Great idea, so long as the enemy does not deploy old women.

An old man needs to know his limits.

:evilgrin:

[put out]

18. Don' forget the old women.

I'll go. I can ferret the truth out of a recalcitrant 13 year old child. Terrorists don't stand a chance.

I can eat any food as long as I don't have to fix it. The heat would not bother me any more than hot flashes do.

I hardly ever sleep; those days are gone. I no longer need 8 to 10 hours a day of rest. I like to break up the 4 hours a night with a couple of naps.

I'd run miles if someone follows me holding a knife.

And I am cranky. I don't brook a bunch of shit unless my life depends upon it. My C.O. better be a cranky old fart.