Delicate situation: coworker's brother, contractor, killed in Iraq.

[MallRat]

A sympathy card is being passed around for a co-worker who recently lost her brother in Iraq.

However, just as I was about to sign the card with something to the effect of, "your brother's sacrifice will not be forgotten," I read the obit. Apparently, he was a civilian contractor working for one of the military logistics firms in Iraq. I don't know what his job description was, but given his military background, I wouldn't be surprised if he was providing private protection for other employees of the firm.

Any thoughts on how to handle this? Should I just go with a generic, "our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family?"

edited clarification:
My question was this: had he been a member of the armed forces, KIA, I would've written something about being grateful for his sacrifice. Does the same still apply for an employee of a private firm who's working in Iraq?

-MR

[mmonk]

1. Just be nice

and offer your sympathies.

[LTR]

The generic response is always effective

Who knows what he was doing over there, but the guy was killed. And he has friends and family who are grieving.

The generic response will never be controversial.

[Habibi]

2. Yes, imo

No point in anything else. She's lost a brother, not a civilian contractor.

[Walt Starr]

3. Go with the generic

Best bet.

[gratuitous]

4. Go generic

No sense trying to make a point right now. The family's got enough problems right now. You don't have to specify what you're thinking and praying.

[Psst_Im_Not_Here]

5. I think you should just go with the

"thoughts and prayers" bit. I'm sure to her he was still the brother she grew up with and anything more political would just end up costing you. She's mourning and that anguish is tremendous, regardless of what he did over there. I think it would just backfire on you to do anything else. Remember, mourning is for the living not the dead. Just my humble opinion!

[classof56]

6. Go for the generic

Those words fit many different situations, such as suicide, drug overdose, dying while doing something inappropriate, etc. Death is always hardest on those left behind. Any words of consolation are welcome, and as someone who lost a sibling in a traffic accident, I can tell you, the one who's gone will not be forgotten, no matter what the circumstance.

Good of you to try to find the right words. Bless you!

[MallRat]

7. Let me clarify: I wasn't gonna go off on her!

Hey everyone... I'm not THAT insensitive! I would never attack a family member because of what a family member might/could've/possibly had done. I don't know the first damn thing about what he was doing over there.

My question was this: had he been a member of the armed forces, KIA, I would've written something about being grateful for his sacrifice. Does the same still apply for an employee of a private firm who's working in Iraq?

-MR

[LTR]

8. A death is still a death

People will still grieve.

I'd just go with the generic. You can never go wrong there.

[classof56]

9. Actually...

I didn't think you were being insensitive at all. Just the opposite. Thing is, if we weren't in this stupid war, the guy undoubtedly would not have been in Iraq, no matter what the purpose, and so it's all connected. I think his death was a needless sacrifice, and profoundly sad. I'd feel that way if it were my relative, but I'm just not sure I'd want anyone saying that to me. There will be a lot of these events in many of our lives, I'm guessing, the way things are going. Just go with your heart. As with many workplaces, sounds like folks are rallying around someone who's suffered a loss. In a way, this makes me a bit less cynical!

[gWbush is Mabus]

10. TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION

No, you do not thank hired civilian mercenary killers for their sacrifice for our country. They are not U.S. soldiers.

[Trajan]

11. Decent reverence for the death of a close friend's family member ...

Nothing changes ...

IF your friend's dad was a freeper, and died of any cause: you would offer that friend a kind word of solace: NOT because you agree with the father's political bent, but because you care about your friend ....

[progressivebydesign]

12. Simply write something that addresses HER loss...

Rather than say something about the man who was killed. Unless you knew him, it makes no sense to write anything but comforting words to the woman who lost her brother. Regardless of how a relative dies, there is grief for those left behind. So, if you have compassion for the co-worker's loss.. go with that. "I'm sorry for your loss".

The man who died won't be reading the card, so people writing messages to him is kind of creepy..

On EDIT: Oh, in response to your particular thoughts about sacrifice, no.. a contractor would not be considered in the same way as a soldier. Though they both volunteered to do the job, and they both get paid, contractors are different. You have no idea what he was paid to do over there.

[sendero]

13. generic condolences...

... are in order out of respect for the brother and human life.

[AP]

14. If you're not grateful for his serivices, you can't say that you were.

But that doesn't mean you can't say something that really captures your feelings in a sensitive, thoughtful, unhurtful way.

I'm not sure what that would be.

[Seemann For Congress]

15. What I would do

Sign it with the phrase "my thoughts and prayers are with (blank)'s loved ones."

This way, you can show total respect for the grieving family members without touching on what the deceased's job was and your feelings towards that employment.