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I got e-mailed this. It made me very mad, but then I thought how it reveals conservatives as the racist, homophobic, anti intellectual idiots they are.
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Here's some political wisdom:
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches
occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of
small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This
epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and
the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had
yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative
movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned
how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and
doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually
became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of
group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and
meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in
democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then,
and the conservatives fed them. Conservatives are symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer
white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus.
Their women have more testosterone than the men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and
group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter
rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone
who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most
of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore
Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was
attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one
of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell
me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That
sumbitch ain't been born yet."
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