The Republican "Big Tent" - 45 second spot

[alonso_quijano]

(A beach. Surf washing up. An elderly gentleman approaches from the distance. Suddenly, a football appears - the gentleman makes a deft, one-handed catch.)

Man: Hello. I'm Bob Dole. I'd like to talk to you about the Republican Party.

(Dole tosses the ball off screen.)

Dole: Here ya go, Coach.

(Mike Ditka walks on the screen, and walks alongside Dole.)

Ditka: Heya ev'rybody. I'm Ditka.

Dole: We're concerned that you've heard some negative things about our party - that we don't tolerate differences of opinion.

Ditka: Dat we're all a buncha clones.

Dole: That we don't have room for variation in policy.

Ditka: But nuthin' could be furder from da truth.

Dole: You see, ...

Ditka: NUTHIN'!

Dole: ...there's room for all manner of Republicans in our party.

Ditka: We got room for conservative war heroes like my pal Bob here!

Dole: And we've got room for subliterate reactionaries.

Ditka: Wit' a Super Bowl ring! We have all kinda diff'rences in our party.

Dole: Why, I like the little blue pill.

Ditka: An' I like da one dat keeps yer pecker up for hours!

Dole: So you see, we have room...

Ditka: An' DAT'S a BIG TENT!

Dole: ...we have room for all sorts of people in the Republican party.

Ditka: Dat's right, 'cause we all got one thing in common.

Dole: We're deep in the pocket of the pharmaceutical companies.

(Dole and Ditka walking off into the sunset.)

Ditka: Wait, I thought it was da impotence.