It's NEWS DUMP Friday!!!

[Goldmund]

So what do you think this afternoon's news will be?

[trumad]

1. Good question

[GiovanniC]

2. CNN, MSNBC, FOX, NBC, CBS, ABC, et al: MAARRRRTHHHA!!

Martha, Martha, Martha
(Brady Bunch with a lisp)

On page 42G of the newspaper:
- Proof that Bush personally responsible for murder of tens of thousands
- Proof Cheney is a crooked-ass bastard
- Proof that Karl Rove still an asshat
- Donald Rumsfeld: Is He Hiding in Cheney's Bunker, or Saddam's Spider Hole?

[Literate Tar Heel]

3. Breaking News!!

(AP) BOSTON -- A childhood friend of presidential candidate John Kerry has opened up about an incident that could have devastating consequences for the Massachusetts senator's campaign. R.W. Inger told reporters this morning that one afternoon when he and Kerry were ten years old and were playing at Inger's house after school, Kerry farted in Inger's small bedroom. "You think those Iraqis in Abu Ghraib are being tortured!? No, they have it easy, trust me," said Inger. "And the worst thing is, he didn't apologize or anything. In fact, he almost seemed to think it was funny."

Within minutes of Inger's stunning announcement, fair and balanced news anchors were already declaring Kerry's chances of winning in November nearly over. "I don't think the American people want someone leading their country who shows such a careless disregard for the environment and his fellow man," said Sean N. Humanity.

When the news reached the White House, President George W. Bush was in the middle of a rousing game of Tiddly Winks with National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice and daughter Jenna Bush. Showing the decisiveness that has been the hallmark of his presidency, he played for only another 23 minutes before coming out to address reporters. "America is safer because ... what's that, Karl? ... oh, sorry, wrong speech ... I meant that Senator Kerry does not share the values of the American people. Thank you." The press corps gave the President a standing ovation.

Vice President Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment from his secure and undisclosed location, but he did release a statement through his press secretary: "$%^&#$ Kerry."

[underpants]

4. Brilliant

and sadly accurate.

[Bunny]

5. Tee hee!

I think that story would make MORE Americans vote for Kerry!

[ClassWarrior]

7. But that wouldn't be buried in the news dump...

It'd get a primetime special.

[Butterflies]

8. that's so funny! and sad at the same time

there's just too much truth in it.

[yella_dawg]

6. This afternoon's news dump will be...

buried in Martha sentencing bullshit.