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Here's Shrub's next SOTU address:
My fellow Americans: I stand before you tonight as the messenger of a new beginning for our country – to announce the culmination of our efforts to offer you the perfect American society. This past November, you, the citizens of the United States, courageously rejected for all time the destructive and immoral message of the liberal philosophy that for so long has degraded this great country. We have seen that the problems that have plagued us for so long are the direct result of the evils of liberalism. For many years the Democrats and other liberals have shamelessly supported the despicable causes of criminals, foreigners, atheists, perverts, pacifists, pornographers, drug addicts, socialists and personal injury lawyers.
But now, at last, the people of the United States have been freed from the oppression of liberal wickedness. Never again will good Christian Americans be subjected to this degradation: No more will excessive taxes be imposed on all you decent people to support the dope habits of lazy, undeserving welfare cheaters. No more will good jobs be taken away from upstanding, God-fearing men and given instead to unqualified misfits in the name of “diversity” and to selfish career women who should be at home taking care of their husbands and children. No more will peculiar-looking foreigners who wear strange clothes and speak strange languages be allowed to enter our great country and bring along their pagan gods and disgusting personal hygiene, only to drive our taxis, defile our women and plot terrorist acts against us. All of this wickedness is over forever because you spoke to us in November. You told us what you wanted us to do.
I know, therefore, what I must do to preserve this new society for all time. Tomorrow I will sign an executive order that repeals the Constitution. I will do this because, having finally achieved the foundation of a perfect society, we no longer need it. The Constitution is now obsolete. I mean no disrespect to this great historical document, but we must understand that it has outlived its purpose, which was to protect you, the people, from the evil effects of liberal doctrines while the final structure of our society was being formed. This process has taken over two hundred years, but at last the perfect society is finally ours to enjoy to its fullest, without the now-unnecessary and artificial constraints the Constitution used to require.
Next, I will abolish the Democratic Party and all other liberal political parties. When you entrusted both houses of Congress and the executive branch to the Republican majority, you told us that in our perfect society we no longer need a two-party system. You have demonstrated that we Americans will not tolerate the continued existence of any party or organization that encourages perversion and multiculturalism. Therefore everyone will register as Republicans, and those who refuse to do so will be designated as enemy combatants and dealt with accordingly. Now, obviously, being a properly registered Republican will not have quite the same effect as it used to, since we no longer will require elections. Registration will ensure that all of our citizens remain loyal to this great country and its leaders, but no more must you bear the heavy burden of actually electing your representatives. This means you won’t have to listen to tiresome campaign speeches or take time away from your productive, Godly lives to stand in line at some dingy neighborhood recreation center waiting for a grumpy ninety-year-old election judge with fumbling hands and cataracts to find your name on the voter list, only to discover you have been waiting for forty-five minutes in the line for a precinct you don’t live in any more because the liberal Democrats redistricted your area in order to dupe a certain category of ignorant, irresponsible people into voting for them, and failed to notify you.
Since we will no longer need elections, all of our leaders will be appointed for life. No one should be in the least concerned about this, since we will always be careful to appoint only the most moral, Christian, upstanding men who represent the best interests of those who offer the most to our new perfect society. It has become clear that there are two classes of people in this country. You, the voters who made this new society possible, are the Contributors. You may be sure that you will always be represented and protected by your government. The others – the Parasites – are the fat, colored welfare whores; the smelly foreigners with annoying accents; the effeminate liberal college professors who teach students to disrespect their leaders and embrace dangerous ideas; the whiny homosexual hairdressers who do things with each other that God-fearing people can’t stand to think about; the big hairy lesbians in overalls; the artists whose paintings are either filthy and pornographic or else don’t look like anything at all; the poets whose poems don’t even rhyme; the atheists; the Muslim heathens who wear diapers on their heads, eat sheep, who don’t believe Jesus is God and only want to destroy America; the grubby, dirty union workers with their cheap lunch pails and work boots and communist slogans; the environmentalists who don’t want you to take the natural resources – the trees, the water, the air, the oil, -- that God gave you to use however you want; the ACLU and their fellow travelers who defend liberal ideas – These propagators of dangerous and discredited leftist notions don’t even deserve representation.
But we have solved that problem. Under our new system, each state will send one representative, called a Delegate, to Congress. This man – and of course they will all be men, to ensure that our women are safe at home with their children -- will be appointed by the state’s governor, who will have been appointed by the state’s Republican Party chairman. That chairman will be appointed by the Republican National Committee. The Delegates will advise the president of the needs and desires of the Contributors in their states, the status of the state’s Parasites, and will also ratify all the laws the President proposes. This system of selecting officials will ensure that no pernicious liberal doctrine will ever infiltrate our system again.
We will overhaul the legal system as well. Personal injury litigation will be a thing of the past, and the trial lawyers will be sent to detention camps with the other enemy combatants. Most Parasites’ injuries are their own fault, but because of the liberals and their dangerous notions of justice these people have forgotten what personal responsibility means. They will no longer be permitted to extort money from our corporations or our decent, upstanding Contributors just because they were clumsy and ended up with a little whiplash or quadriplegia. If, however, a Contributor -- an oil company executive or an investment banker, for example -- is injured, he will be compensated generously from a special fund because his work is highly valuable to our new perfect society.
Crime, which has always been the result of liberals’ permissive attitudes toward bad behavior, will no longer be tolerated. If a Parasite is arrested he will immediately be either sent to a detention camp or eliminated. Public defender programs for the so-called poor, a particularly wasteful liberal invention, will be abolished, since anyone who is a Parasite is surely guilty and a trial would obviously be a waste of resources. Those Parasites who are charged with crimes such as murder, robbery, theft, assault, or drug trafficking will be promptly executed. Those accused of certain other crimes such as blasphemy, forgery, driving while intoxicated, or propagating liberal doctrine will remain in detention camps, and will be assigned to appropriate work details. The rape of a single woman will be decriminalized, since unmarried women tend to be immoral and will consent to sex with any man. An exception will be made with respect to any Parasite man accused of raping a woman who is married to a Contributor; those men will be executed. Any unmarried woman who claims to have been raped will be charged with adultery and sent to a detention camp. What the liberals ridiculously termed “domestic assault” will also be decriminalized – surely a Christian man is entitled to discipline his own wife.
Those very rare Contributors who are charged with a crime will be entitled to trials before a duly-appointed Republican judge and a jury of his Contributor peers, and he will be provided with legal counsel at government expense. We all realize that it is unfair for these valuable people to have to spend their own money to defend themselves when they are probably innocent. Of course, all liberal judges, as well as those judges who are not practicing Christians or who are members of Parasite groups will be removed from office and sent to detention camps. We also intend to decriminalize conduct such as insider trading, so-called “creative accounting,” and what the liberals absurdly used to call stock fraud. These actions, which seldom harm important people and in fact tend to benefit them, are not serious enough to warrant any punishment other than, perhaps in a few very extreme circumstances, a small fine, rather like a speeding ticket.
The tax code will be drastically revised for the benefit of you decent, God-fearing
Contributors. Our deregulation plan will mean the government will require less money, and that money will come almost entirely from taxes on the wages of the Parasites, who deserve to bear the greater tax burden because they offer so little to, and drain so much from, our perfect society. Contributors’ salaries will be taxed at a minimal rate; all existing deductions will be preserved; and there will be no taxes on investment income, stock options, capital gains, or estates valued at more than $1 million. There will be no restrictions on corporations that prefer to conduct offshore operations for the purpose of tax minimization. Under this plan, you will reap the benefits of your hard-earned investments.
Obviously this plan will cause some reduction in government revenue. But you voters have clearly rejected the pernicious liberal notion of a big, intrusive government. Therefore we plan to eliminate most regulatory agencies, which will result in huge tax savings. And better yet, this will finally get the government off the backs of the people. By executive order, I will disband unnecessary, wasteful agencies such as OSHA, NHTSA, the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the NTSB, the FAA, the EPA, the EEOC, the SEC, HUD, the Federal Election Commission, the Mine Safety and Health Administration, the Federal Railroad Administration, the FTC, FEMA, the Food and Drug Administration, the National Labor Relations Board and the National Mediation Board, the NRC, and many others. Furthermore, the new Congress, under my guidance, will repeal many burdensome liberal laws such as the 1964 Civil Rights Act, the Age Discrimination in Employment Act, the Americans with Disabilities Act, the Clean Water Act, and the Environmental Protection Act. We trust our business leaders to provide safe and fair conditions and safe products; we don’t need the government to do it for us. Furthermore, businessmen should be allowed to hire, promote and fire whomever they want; landlords should be able to select the tenants they want to live in their buildings; children should be able to go to schools with other children who look, act, talk and think like they do; and all of you should be allowed to live in safe, clean, attractive suburban neighborhoods with other good Christian Contributors like yourselves. Now we can do all of these things. Now we don’t have to worry about liberal nonsense like diversity and political correctness. We are free Americans.
And this government will never again preach at you about what kind of vehicle you should drive. The liberals told you that it was bad to drive an SUV because they use too much gasoline. They tried to make you feel guilty about driving that big, beautiful Excursion or Suburban or Navigator through your city to your workplace or your child’s soccer match or your church services. As usual, the liberals were wrong. We will never run out of gasoline. We will explore every inch of Alaska and take all the oil we need. And soon we will have Iraq’s enormous oil reserves as well. So drive your SUV all you want, and if you don’t have one already, buy one. You earned it; you deserve it -- show the world that you’re a man and a Contributor. As I travel through this great country I’d like to be able to drive up every cul-de-sac in every suburb and see at least one new American-made SUV parked in every driveway.
And as you drive through your cities, you may begin to notice a change in some neighborhoods because we are eliminating all forms of public assistance for Parasites – no Medicare, no Medicaid, no AFDC, no workers’ compensation, no Social Security, no unemployment compensation, no legal aid -- nothing. These people don’t deserve a nickel of your tax dollars to help them do what they should be doing for themselves. So as you drive through some areas in your new SUVs you may see more panhandling beggars. Don’t feel guilty if you decide to ignore them. If people want to eat, or if they want to live somewhere besides in a cardboard box under a bridge, they will have to tear themselves away from the Jerry Springer Show and get a job. The Parasites need to take responsibility for their lives, and it is not your fault – our fault – if some of them are hungry, or unemployed, or crippled, or colored, or sick, or uneducated, or pregnant, or stupid, or lazy, or poor. It’s their fault. They could have been more careful. They could have made better choices. But they didn’t.
Nevertheless, for years the liberals tried to blame the problems of the lazy, useless, shiftless poor on you. The government should be doing something for these people, they said. They told you the government should be helping them – using taxes collected from decent people who never have used a single dime of government welfare money.
But why should you help them? Why should you even care? Their problems aren’t your fault!
So if you should happen to see a ragged, pathetic panhandler on a street corner, and he says he wants you to give him some money because he has no job, feel free to say, “I don’t care.”
If you see some fat colored mama with a bunch of dirty kids and no job who wants some of your money because her brats are hungry, just look her right in the eye and say, “I don’t care.”
If you see a legless cripple sitting in the gutter and he asks for some of your money because he was careless at his job and got injured in an industrial accident and can’t work, tell him “I don’t care.”
And what will you tell a fifteen-year-old tramp who’s pregnant because she acted like a tease around her crack-whore mother’s alcoholic boyfriend, and now she’ll have to support a baby because we closed the liberals’ abortion clinics?
I don’t care!
And what will you say to some pathetic old crone who gets evicted from her apartment because we’ve eliminated Social Security and she can’t pay the rent because never had the discipline to buy stock or set up a Roth IRA?
That’s right! I DON’T CARE!
And what will you say to the shiftless, unemployed parents of some kid who was careless enough to get cancer, who can’t pay for chemotherapy because we’ve eliminated Medicaid and they don’t have health insurance?
Yes! I DON’T CARE!
Say it again! I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE!
That’s the spirit. You are all true American Contributors.
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