A Message to DU from the President of the United States

Crankie Avalon

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Mon Jul-26-04 10:35 AM
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A Message to DU from the President of the United States

Howdy, folks! George W. Bush, here--you know, your President.

Right about now, y’all are probably askin’, “What in tarnation is George W. Bush (that’s me!) doin’ on a site like the Democratic Undergroweled?” Shoooooot, my advisors would probably be askin’ the very same thing! See, they don’t seem to think it’s a good idea fer me to be here--but, hey, I think reachin’ out to those of y’all who compriserate the loyal oppositition is the way fer me to broadenize my appeal; otherwise, I’m just preaching to the quiered. Just please, pleeeeeeeeze don’t tell any o’ my folks about my being here, OK? I get enough lectures from Dick and Karl and Condi, already. Still, they’re all just going to have to learn that I’m all growsed up, now--and they will in a second George W. Bush Administragion (‘four more years!”).

Anyways, since they took my bicycle and pretzel privileges away I’ve had some extra time on my hands--and I never thought I’d say this but I’m gittin’ right tired of playing Grand Theft Auto III all the time. So, I’ll be checkin’ in with y’all folks now and then, letting y’all know a little ‘bout what’s on my mind, and hopefully helping y’all out so’s you can make what I call a well-informationed decision come November. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the election, here, folks--which is supposed to be taking place sometime in November, as I’ve been led to understandardize it. Well, in the same way we’re bringin’ them Iraqis around, I’m going to be sharin’ with y’all where we need to be going both now and in the...you know...that part that comes after “now”.

Speaking of Iraq--WHOOOOOOOOWEEEEEE!!! The action over there is hotter’n one o’ them thar jalapeno-burrito-mexicalito things ol’ Karl once dared me into taking a bite out of. HOT DANG, I’m glad I’m not over there! Iraq, I mean--but don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m not bitin’ down on one o’ them thar mexicalito things anymore, either. You now, if worse comes to worse in this here Iraq we might even start drafting folks, again. If that happens, I’m gittin’ myself back in my old Texas Irrational Guard unit again, tout suite, believe you me! I even mentioned this at a cabinet meeting and Rummy said I was the President now and didn’t need to dodge the draft, anymore, supposedly. Yeah, well, I hope Rummy’s right about something fer once and I shore do hope I git re-electified, then!

Anyways, folks--back to things y’all ought to know afore you cast a vote in an approved votering booth and possibly have yer votes countified:

Now that John Kerry has made his choice of Vice Presidentiary running mate, I wonderment if y’all Democratic Undergrowelers have taken into full..the implitations...and the might happenings in a scenariodejaneiro where both the President and the Vice President have the exact same name.

Emergency cabinet meeting. Some feller says, “Push the button, John”. Who in tarnation does he mean? The feller has to start clarificating...but--in an emergency--will there be enough time?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I probably shouldn’t be tellin’ y’all this, but I believe in being open with the ‘Merkan People (as y'all know), so I’ll share a little secret with y’all. I used to have a CIA Directioner whose name was “George”. Now, I’ll admit, on the one hand this made it easy to remember what to call him during meetings and discussments. BUT, On the other hand, it also caused a great deal of confusion if he and I were in the same room and Rummy or Condi or Colin would just say “George”. The others tried to pretend it was no big deal, but that’s just the kind of folks my cabinet are--courage...leadership...braverty. But I knew that ignorifying the problem was just making it potentiarilly more and more dangerouser. So I began implementioning a program where we would start using codenames during our cabinet meetings. I was going to be “Palomino” (I thought up names fer everybody else, too).

Well, Dick talked me out of that one in favor of an alternavated plan--he’d give me a li’l kick in the leg under the table when someone was talkin’ to me, or else peek over at me and shake his head “no” when someone was talkin’ to the other George. Well, I have to give Dick credit, that thar system worked pretty well.

But that’s how a George W. Bush Administragion overcamed the problem. Will ol’ “John and John” be abler to do the same?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Think about it.

May God continue to bless the United States of America and no one else.

Sincerestly,

X

George W. Bush
President of the Untied States

P.S. Y’all can rest even easier as the situation is even more under control, now: George--the other, CIA George, not me--finally resignedicated a coupla weeks ago. I met the new feller a while back. Cain’t rightly remember his name, yet, but I know it’s not “George”.