TOP 13 REJECTED BUSH TEAM DEBATE DEMANDS!

[Artemis Bunyon]

13. Mr. Kerry must take part in all debates live, via satellite, from the top of Mount Saint Helens.

12. There should be no questions that require the participants to perform any sort of mathematical computation whatsoever.

11. The debate must be broadcast with a 30 second delay so that National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice can bleep out classified information and humiliating malapropisms.

10. Participants must insert at least one thinly veiled Biblical reference into each response.

9. Mr. Kerry’s podium must be equipped with one of those giant, spring-loaded boxing glove thingies, which can only be triggered by a big red button under Preznit Dubya’s lectern.

8. Neither participant may use words containing more than three syllables. Adding extra syllables to make small words seem bigger, however, is allowable.

7. The lectern interior must be spacious enough to accommodate both Dick Cheney’s and Karl Rove’s ample physiques.

6. Heads, the Preznit wins; tails, Mr. Kerry loses.

5. Mr. Kerry must preface every answer with the phrase: “As a French-speaking, horse-faced socialist from Massachusetts…”

4. The Preznit’s entrance must be accompanied by a laser light show and pyrotechnics spectacular, with the Survivor hit Eye of the Tiger blaring over the p.a. system.

3. Under no circumstances may Mr. Kerry make eye contact with the Preznit.

2. The backstage snack table should be stocked with Lone Star, pork rinds, jellybeans, and no pretzels.

1. The Fox News Channel gets to control the cameras for all the networks. (Oops! That one actually slipped through!)

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