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Rocked by the public humiliation he endured during his first presidential debate with John Kerry, Preznit Dubya abruptly changed his normally rock-solid schedule to squeeze in a very important speech informing the American people of all the great comeback lines and zingers he and Karl Rove thought up after the debate was over. What follows is a condensed version of that speech. - YOPJ
A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE PREZNIT, CONDENSED!
Hellooo, Wilkes-Barre! It's great to be here, where you fine folks actually love your families, just like I love my wife!
(Applause)
Remember Tom Ridge? He was your governor. Well guess what! I talked to Tom Ridge this morning, about some real important stuff. Tom Ridge is awesome! Just like Pennsylvania is awesome! Win, win, win!
(Applause)
You see the vice presidential debates last night? John Edwards sure has some pretty hair. Dick Cheney doesn't. That's why I was so glad when he picked himself to be my running mate. Dick Cheney is awesome!
(Sound of screams and babies crying.)
Elections are less than a month away, and I'm optimistic, with a positive, strong message. Being the Preznit, I'm in a unique position to know that Americans always support the Preznit, because I've made America more hopeful and secure. I know how to lead, and that's why I know I'm gonna win!
(Applause.)
Clinton's policies put the 'conomy in recession. September the 11th made things worse. To help boost the 'conomy, I cut taxes. My opponent, the horse-faced liberal Frenchman from Taxachusetts, opposed these tax cuts. Now that the 'conomy is fixed, I wanna pass even more tax cuts. My opponent opposes these tax cuts, too. He's a flip-flopper!
(Applause.)
Contrary to what you may have heard on your TV screens, I have a solid record of accomplishment. You can even say I'm accomplicated. I added more jobs to the Murrican 'conomy than England, Canada and Sierra Leone combined!
(Applause.)
I gave you groceries! I gave you houses! I gave you some walking-around money! Farms are booming! Every day, more and more people are making money by selling their belongings on e-Bay! We're turning the corner!
(Applause.)
Are kids are more edumacated! They know how to math and read! Our college campuses have never been whiter! Our seniors have never been more medicated! I'll say it before cuz I said it again… I am accomplicated! And so is Dick Cheney!
(Sound of otherworldly, Satanic laughter.)
We have made America stronger. Under my leadership, we are waging war for peace, and spreading fear to give hope. And we're just getting started!
(Applause.)
See, I understand the challenges facing our nation. Times are changing. Our workers need new skills so they can qualify for all these great new jobs we're creating. They need to learn how to drive faster, so the pizza gets there hot!
(Applause.)
Thanks to my administration's policies, the world has changed dramatically. And now, I need four more years to change our government so that it's compatible with all the important changes we've made!
(Applause.)
See, people have dreams. And we're making schools better, because you can't dream if you're stupid, except stupid dreams. So we're raising standards. We're going to suck Social Security dry-- I mean change it for the better! We're gonna let y'all invest your own money so y'all can pay your own way in the medicine world. And we're gonna put a stop to all those pesky lawsuits -- like the ones launched by my rival for the Number Two spot, John Edwards -- to improve healthcare and access! Then you'll all be rich as I am!
(Applause.)
Like every good Christian American from Pennsylvania, I love business and money. I think taxes are bad. Our nation's millionaires and billionaires, they sacrifice so much… how can we ask them to sacrifice more than they already have? It ain't Christian! It just ain't!
(Hoots and Hollers.)
See, regulating business is counterproductive, because business doesn't like it. And business is like a job, because everybody job has a boss. And when you do something the boss doesn't like, you get fired. And that's why regulating business is bad!
(Applause.)
In the Senate, my opponent voted to raise taxes, like… a million, bajillion times! He tried to tax old people, medicine and even the little babies! And now, he wants to steal thousands of dollars from your Pennsylvania wallets! He hates business! He hates YOU!
(Boos.)
He's from Massachusetts! He's gonna lose! We're gonna win!
(Cheers.)
See, the Senator and I are different. He thinks people should be allowed to hire lawyers to sue other people. Even worse, he thinks a dozen bozos -- chosen at ramdom! -- should be the ones to decide whether or not these cases have any merit. I don't.
(Applause.)
I want the poor to get the best healthcare they can afford, and I have a plan. I will use technology to make healthcare cheaper. If my opponent is elected -- which he won't be! -- he'd give all our healthcare to Canada. It's true! We got a video on our website!
(Applause.)
I hate bureaucrats! My opponent hates doctors, businesses and YOU! He hates Pennsylvania!
(Boos.)
Ted Kennedy! Ted Kennedy! Ted Kennedy!
(Boo.)
Despite all evidence to the contrary, I can make you safer. September the 11th was our new Pearl Harbor. Things changed that day. We need to be safer. And I'm making you safer. The Taliban is gone, Al Qaeda is gone, and Afghanistaners are gonna vote for the guy we tell 'em to! Cuz we're making the world more free!
(Applause.)
Libya has given up its weapons of mass destruction programs. Our relations with Pakistan and Saudi Arabia have never been more solid. We're fighting terrorists because Americans understand that evil must be killed. That's why I said bring 'em on… to flush 'em out, so we know where to bomb!
(Applause.)
September the 11th changed everything. And by the way, I didn't know anything about it before it happened. I know some people think that, but they're wrong. They're wrong because I'm a leader! I'm a War Preznit!
("Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!")
Iraq was bad. According to a recent CIA report, Saddam might have started building deadly weapons systems to kill your parents and unborn babies in just a couple decades or more. So we took him out. And now we're safer! I regret nothing!
(Applause.)
If the United Nations had its way, the evildoer who tried to kill my dad would be a free man today. That's why we had to enforce United Nations resolutions against the United Nations' will! Because the United Nations is bad!
(Applause.)
When Dick Cheney and I are elected -- and we will be! -- we will continue to confront the ideologies of hate and Islam with freedom, hope, and fundamentalist Christian ideology. Because even the dark-skinned savages of such a backwards, unholy land should be able to learn the Revealed Truth that only Jesus, the Christ, can provide!
(Applause.)
Sure things are tough in Afghanistan and Iraq. But freedom is on the march. We're resolute! We will stay the course! Kerry said it was a mistake to invade Iraq, but now that we're there, we have to win! He's a flip-flopper!
(Laughter and applause.)
Kerry's still living in a pre-September the 11th world! He wants to let danger gather! He said "global test!" Did y'all hear that?! A global test! I don't know about you folks, but I don't like tests. Never been any good at 'em. And besides, why should we have to ask anyone's permission to do what we want? We're Number One, damnit! That's what we got missiles for!
(Applause.)
My opponent has a paralyzing doctrine! He wants to put American soldiers in jail! American soldiers who can do no wrong! They're spreading freedom! And if they feel like blowing off a little steam by torturing a few dozen detainees to death, why shouldn't they do it? Torturin' is hard work! And steam is hot!
("Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!")
My opponent said our mighty coalition was window dressing. He said they were coerced and bribed. How does he think he's gonna get more countries to help us shoulder the Iraqi burden? And anyway, who cares about those cowardly cheese-eaters in Old Europe? Or Canada? Or Mexico? Or every other traditional American ally besides England, Australia, Turkmenistan and the Marshall Islands? And Poland! Can't forget Poland!
(Applause.)
My opponent says he has a plan for Iraq. I do, too... I plan to win!
(Cheers.)
My opponent is a flip-flopper! He voted for war, then he voted against giving Halliburton a blank check! How does he expect to win a war without giving Halliburton a blank check? I know war, and I know how to lead. And I know that to win this war, Halliburton must be given a blank check, fully guaranteed by you, the American taxpayer!
(Applause.)
My opponent is weak! He gutted intelligence! He gutted weapons! He voted 50 times against giving missile defense systems contracts to our nation's most generous military/industrial contractors, just because the technology is outrageously expensive and doesn't work!
(Applause.)
On September the 14th, 2001, only three days after September the 11th, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. And even though I was New York, where more than half the people think I either ordered the attacks or let them happen on purpose… it was still a great photo-op! Did y'all see the pictures of me yellin' through that bullhorn? That was awesome!
("Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!")
27 days from today, Americans will vote for the candidate of their choice. But I don't care, because I'm gonna win, because I know how to lead. And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of defeat, I shall fear no recount. Amen.
(Applause.)
Compassion! Life! Hope! Terror! Victory! Liberty! Fear! Prosperity! Opportunity! Free enterprise! Location, location, location! May God bless our great country and may God continue to damn John Kerry to HELL!!!
(Applause.)
Thank you all. Thanks for coming. Don't forget to pick up your pre-completed absentee ballots on the way out. Take all you need, we got lots.
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