Some parenting advice, please: kids and words

[RevolutionStartsNow]

My son is 8 years old, and he is exceptionally smart and well-rounded. A great great kid. Today we went to his parent-teacher conference and the teachers spent most of the time telling us how bright and enthusiastic and admired he is among his peers. I am so proud of him.

Then they showed me a picture he drew, with some political content. Being election season, the kids in his class often chatter about politics, mostly mimicing their parents' views. Which in our town means mostly pro-Kerry and anti-Bush. And of course my son has picked up on my strong views; he happily points out all the other Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers when we're driving, for example.

His picture had one stick figure guy labeled Bush and another labeled Kerry. Both had word balloons saying something like "Vote for me, I'm better." It was obvious that something underneath had been erased; the teacher said that while she told my son she might agree with him, whatever he wrote wasn't nice and he had to erase it. She didn't tell me what he originally wrote and I didn't have time to pursue it just then. I couldn't read it myself, so later I asked my son what he had written that he had to erase. He reluctantly admitted that he had written in the Bush word balloon, "Kerry is better. I am gay."

Imagine my surprise. I'd never heard my son use "gay" as an insult, ever. He's not one for namecalling anyway, except maybe once in awhile to call his sister a "meanie" or something.

I first asked him if he even knew what it meant, and he did. Then we had the little talk about how he used the word. Later he told me that 2 of his friends says it a lot (not surprising, one of the other kid's dad is very right-wing).

I know this is fairly common, for kids to call each other "gay" or "faggot" as an insult, and I know they do it because it gets a strong reaction, but it really pisses me off. I feel fairly certain my son won't be doing that anymore, and maybe I don't even really need advice -- I know how to talk to him about this -- but I am angry and sad that kids do this, even in this liberal, fairly enlightened town. Will it always be so? My 12 year old told me that it's very common to hear that among boys her age, too.

When are we going to evolve?

[Spinzonner]

1. The world is divided into two kinds of people

Those who are evolving

and Republicans.

[Vincardog]

2. GAFL

[RevolutionStartsNow]

5. Hey, that's helpful, thanks

Perhaps you don't have children? Or maybe this is just okay with you?

[grannylib]

3. It is disheartening to hear that so many young'uns use 'gay' as an insult

that is more generic than specific; really bothers me too. Glad you are able to talk to him about it; that is half the battle right there. Many parents don't have the basic skills TO talk to their kids - no wonder the world is a mess!
He'll be all right as long as you keep those lines of communication going and let him know he's valued and loved even when you disagree.
Rock on...

[RevolutionStartsNow]

6. Thanks, and that's a killer sig line you have there! (eom)

[grannylib]

7. Thank you! It's part of a book I am working on...my pseudo-Seuss-ian

get * the fuck outta the WH book.
Glad you like it!

[RevolutionStartsNow]

8. LOL! You better hurry up

because we're getting him the fuck outta there in about 18 days.

[Lerkfish]

15. right, horrible but true: young people use "gay" generically as "lame".

I"m 45 with a 6 yr old son, but play games online like Halo...in the game, if you do something lame, they'll say "that was so gay".
It bothers me a lot. It also bothers me that a lot of players use racist language too, the "n" word and such. And a lot of these other players are college age or younger, usually.

Since I"m in there just blowing off steam after a long work day, I don't lecture anyone, but I do find this trend disturbing.

However, I"m also old enough to remember that the word "gay" didn't used to refer to homosexuals at all. For some reason, about the time I was in Junior High, the term "gay" started to be used. This meant all the previous usages of the word were coopted into the new use. "Gay" was originally a euphemism for something else that people didn't want to directly say.

The world is a strange place.

[LizW]

16. This was going on in my son's middle school

to the point that we had a big discussion about it. I talked to my son about those kinds of insults: "gay", "girlie-men", "sissy", etc., and how damaging they are. He got it, of course, and even agreed with me that that kind of stuff is awful.

But, as you say, it is awfully hard to combat the peer pressure that leads to that kind of language.

Apparently this kind of name-calling is extremely prevalent among kids. There was even an editorial about it in our local paper a few weeks ago.

[Nay]

18. "gay" is used to mean "lame" very often by my son and all his friends,

who are ALL hardcore union-type Democrats who are egalitarian in the exteme (among their group are people of all racial and sexual types). I also am old enough to remember when "gay" meant "happy" or "cheery," so I have a hard time getting upset about the changing meanings and usages of the word.

I think the meaning "lame" has become almost divorced from the meaning "homosexual" in a lot of people's eyes (especially young kids, who don't really know what homosexuality is yet), even though it obviously started out as a slam of homosexuality.

I don't have any objection to explaining to your child how the term could hurt someone's feelings, but I wouldn't necessarily ascribe RW repub hatefulness to the use of the word.

[Cronus Protagonist]

4. He's probably gay

Bush, I mean. :)




"So I don't worry about, and people shouldn't
worry about a draft. . . I think we're in good
shape, I really do. And, if not, we'll -- I'll address
the nation. But I don't see any need to right now."
- G. W. Bush (Source: The Whitehouse)

http://brainbuttons.com/home.asp?stashid=13

[wtmusic]

9. You don't need no stinkin' advice

I think you handled the situation well. Those kind of slurs will go on as long as their is ignorance (forever)

[RevolutionStartsNow]

10. Thank you, and

you are probably right. There will always be ignorance. I just won't let my son perpetuate it.

[jdj]

11. The word isn't the problem.

there's potential for tmi here, so good luck.

I guess you might could tell him it's about sex and that is private and not an area to insult people with.

Little boys going through that stage I guess. I'm not sure there is a whole lot you can do, I mean, there was cockswagger in Shakespeare 400 years ago, this may just be a hormonal thing.

[RevolutionStartsNow]

12. I wonder

This seems to stick with boys through adolescence, and is probably much more common in boys who come from households where name-calling is practiced, not to mention households where they hear that homosexuality is "bad."

Girls do it, too, on a much smaller scale. I remember when my daughter was in 4th or 5th grade there was a problem when one girl spread a rumor that another girl was a lesbian. The girls who found it most scandalous will no doubt grow up to work for a cable news channel...

Certainly you are right, there's probably a part of it that's just seems powerful to kids -- especially the slightly older ones -- because they know it's about sex.

[fujiyama]

13. I'd say

you handled it well. It's also good that the teacher told your son that the statement was wrong. I think when it comes to issues of sexual orientation, some people become more tolerant at different stages of life...and hopefully it will be at an earlier age as we (hopefully) progress.

For example, I myself know that I used to not care for "gay issues" even though I always considered myself very tolerant (of race, ethnicity, religion, etc), but now with a better understanding of the issues in general, I know the importance of gay rights (especially with regard to equal benefits - that's why I am for gay marriage, etc).

I have some hope that things are going in the right direction. Fewer people are viewing homosexuality as a choice. That means fewer probably believe it's a sin. THat's good, but with the recent uproar over Kerry's comments, I question whether things are headed in the right direction.

Of course, the word "gay" is frequently used to insult something. The best thing to do is tell the kid why it's wrong and he'll probably won't use it then.

[phylny]

14. It looks to me like you and the teacher handled it quite well.

Your son, being young, obviously doesn't understand the complexities of society and how gay and lesbian people are discriminated against. By talking to him, explaining it to him, you did him a service. By not making it a big incident, the teacher taught him well.

My own kids once used the word "retard." I WORK with children who are mentally retarded, so you can imagine how upset I was to hear it. All it took was a conversation about respect and they stopped using it.

Your son is a child. He is hearing what the world around him says. It's your job as a parent to correct and filter. You did it :) The best we can do is educate. Some parents will not. We will, unfortunately, always have prejudice and ignorance. The good news is that your son, and my daughters, will not participate in such idiocy.

[lawladyprof]

17. Only had girls and it's been a long time but

I'd use examples that came up naturally (like on the media) to express sorrow that some people are/were so poorly reared that they resort to name-calling, which is just a form of bullying. Seeing someone in the media engage in name calling (demonization) I would occasionally remark to my son (if I were you) that it's a shame that person wasn't taught right by his or her (think Ann Coulter) parents and that he or she seems not to be very grown-up. I'd go on to say that people who call other people names are usually pretty angry because underneath they are scared. I'd say that name callers often want to pull in a group of people (a mob/gang) so they can attack the object of their derision and that that kind of behavior can and in history often has led to violence. As he got older, we could talk about instances of demonization and mob mentality leading to tragedies.

[davsand]

19. This just came up with my six year old the other day.

I heard her at play when one dolly called another one "gay".

We had a discussion about hurtful words and terms. I explained to her that people can be very hurt by certain words when they are used incorrectly, and that gay is one of those words.

We've had other times when this kind of stuff has come up (hurtful words and terms for people) and she's done really well understanding it in the past. I think she understood it this time too.

I just flinch when I hear some of the things that kids say--and you just KNOW it came from home. I realize part of it is the rural area we live in, but there is a huge amount of ignorance out there everywhere. It makes me sad to contemplate it.

My logic, when we moved back out here, was that we could overcome the "redneck factor" and still let her experience growing up in a small farm town and being part of a small community. Some days I wonder if it was the right thing to have done.

Laura