Got another of my Swiftian letters accepted by the local paper...

[Jackpine Radical]

Dear Editor:
Lately I’ve heard a lot of local members of the Republican faithful starting to sound afraid of what might happen on November 2. A few polls have shown Kerry narrowing the gap and picking up speed, so some people are beginning to panic.

Frankly, I don't get it. Why is anybody even worried about how we're doing? A lot of the so-called "battleground states" aren't even in play, if you really know what's going on. Take Ohio, for example. Wally O'Dell (Diebold CEO) guaranteed to deliver the state into our hands regardless of the popular vote, with his magical touchscreen voting machines.

And Florida--good Heavens--Florida overcame the small nuisance of a Democratic majority last time, and they will do it again. Does anybody think Jeb can't deliver HIS state? We have the new and improved Felons list (baby, if your name is Tyrone Jackson you ain't votin' in FL), not to mention Diebold, ES&S & Sequoia machines all lined up to deliver the vote for us in the critical counties.

So chill, everyone. Like Lenin said, it isn't how the votes are cast that matters. It's how the votes are counted. And we have everything going for us.

{Jackpine}

[geniph]

1. It's a good one, except for one thing

that quote at the end - that was Josef Stalin, not Lenin.

[Jackpine Radical]

12. Actually, I knew that, but

decided I had to put at least one error into the letter or it wouldn't look credible as a RW rant. :headbang:

[Desertrose]

2. You rock, Jackpine...

:hi:

well said :)

:hug:
DR

[ewagner]

3. great job Jackpine!

Really good poke-em-in-the-eye stuff.

From a jackpine savage to the jackpine radical: :toast: :beer:

[dogtag]

4. Simply brilliant, Mr. Swift.

The Lilliputians will love it.

[klook]

5. Excellent

That's a good ploy for letters. What paper is this?

[bunkerbuster1]

6. Yeah, my local hillbilly rag

may need to get something like that, soon. Great idea.

[Jackpine Radical]

10. Chippewa Herald

Chippewa Falls, WI.

They also published an earlier Swiftie of mine, which I'll take the liberty of reprising here:
--------------------------------------------
Why I’m Voting for President Bush

The President is a forthright man who not only knows what is good for America, but is willing to stand up, lie, cheat, steal, and send others to die to get it. He is a man who will keep our tax money out of the hands of the undeserving poor and ensure it goes into the coffers of our most valued citizens, the ownership class, where it belongs.

We need the war in Iraq in order to ensure the prosperity of loyal corporations like Halliburton. Only President Bush has the courage and vision necessary to prosecute this war to the end and then go on to Iran, Saudi Arabia, the Sudan and even all of South America until at last we own the oilfields of the world.

Only President Bush has the wisdom to pursue a policy of lowering taxes for the most deserving while building a trillion-dollar national debt that will forever bind the natural servant class in fealty to their rightful masters. A major benefit that arises from transferring money directly from the public coffers into the accounts of the most deserving corporations is that it reduces the temptation to divert these funds into wasteful enterprises such as public education and health care.

Public education is worse than wasteful. It is genuinely counterproductive to educate people beyond the specific skills they need for employment. Education is notorious for turning its recipients into malcontents who become resentful of their lot in life and may even refuse to conduct themselves in accordance of the needs and wishes of their owners.

Likewise, health care is a wasteful expense when squandered on the useless eaters, with the sole exception that a certain number of particularly healthy specimens from among the worthless classes may be selected for organ donation to their betters, and maintained in good health until their time comes for harvesting.
(signed...)

[RobertSeattle]

7. JackPine - do you still have a website?

I recall reading some "blog" from a "JackPine" years ago.

[Jackpine Radical]

11. I think that's The Jack Pine Savage's site--

http://jackpinesavage.blogspot.com/2004/10/post-debate.html

A great blog, but not mine.

[Redleg]

8. Excellent. This satire ought to get some people thinking.

EOM

[Bandit]

9. I suspect your letters will get raves and your real point will go

zip...right over their heads.