Another point on the "stay at home mom" discussion of late....

[Liberal Veteran]

I have noticed something that never seems to be discussed in any of these thread about it. With all the arguments and counter-arguments about whether it is a job or vocation or something totally different, I have noticed that while many people who consider themselves enlightened on the issue never seem to look at another angle in this.

That angle: Men.

We hear all this talk about "women's choices" ad nauseum and how spat upon and underappreciated women are if they stay at home to raise kids and how it's as good a choice as any, but there is an undercurrent in that somehow MEN have it any better.

Men are EXPECTED to go out and do the work of bringing home the paycheck and providing the lion's share of the financial support for the family. Step outside of that and you are subjected to a similar effect that women complain about in the argument of choosing to work or stay home as caregiver.

If a woman chooses to be a stay at home parent, nobody really blinks. They might not appreciate the value of it, but at the same time it is fairly acceptable thing to do.

Men on the other hand are not only looked at as deadbeats and shirkers by their fellow men if they choose the role of stay at home parent, many (if not majority) women would not involve themselves with a man who wanted to stay at home and keep house and raise the kids.

I've seen a similar attitude from many who talk about being liberated women and yet don't seem to consider that men are also pidgeonedholed and have value judgements placed upon them for also exercising "non-traditional" choices.

I think we need to get out the mindset as a society that being primary caregiver/homekeeper is the sole domain of any one gender. Trying to argue this from the viewpoint of being the only gender oppressed for the choices you make in childraising and household management as the other side is part of what is substaining so much of the resentment that crops up in these discussions and in society at large.

[Ilsa]

1. My son's Room Mother is a Room Father.

My son also attended a birthday party for his classmate last Saturday. The mom didn't put it together; the father did. The mom works 24 hour shifts as an ER doc in one of the hospitals, so he husband has to do all the planning for this sort of thing.

[Dorian Gray]

9. I would also like to add...

That I know many families where the breadwinners are the women, while the husbands stay at home with the kids. They are artists and writers, though, so the husbands tend to do their work in the early morning or while their kids are at school, but they are there to take care of getting the kids to and fro school while their partners are at a more nine-to-five environment.

Of course, I live in an area of Brooklyn that is a little artsy, and I recongnize that this is not the norm around the country.

I'm lucky, though. My husband and I plan to have kids, and I work from home. (The work load varies, but I will be able to be at home with the kids AND work at the same time. Okay, maybe not the SAME time, but you get the gist!) I don't have to "make the choice," as I am already here. My husband is a teacher, so he will be able to get home earlier if I need to go to meetings later in the day.

But, I recognize that not everybody is as lucky as we are. But, I have no problem with the stay at home fathers, and I hope that it is a trend that will become more popular throughout the country!

[GodHelpUsAll2]

2. I'm all for it

If mom can work and support the family then I say go for it and screw what people think. I had a boss who's husband stayed home with the kids because she had the job that could support the family and they agreed they wanted at least on parent at home. I thought it was great. I have no problems at all with this concept.

[bleedingheart]

3. I know of a few dads that opted to stay at home

the decision to do so was generally due to the fact that their wives made more money then then did and they were willing and wanted to stay at home.

Were they treated oddly? No. The community around them was accepting of their role and didn't care, but then again the group I and my friends hang with is more "hippie-ish" by many people's standards.

To be honest who cares what other people think? If you want to stay at home..fine. If you find that some people aren't accepting of it....who cares...you will eventually find people that are probably a whole lot nicer that do accept you for who you are.

I am a working mother and I have both stay at home friends and working friends and personally I am friends with them for who they are as individuals.

[Liberal Veteran]

4. The community around them might be, but consider this....

Who do you suppose would have better "luck" in finding a mate:

1) A woman who said she wanted to stay at home and raise the kids and be a good homemaker.

2) A man who said he wanted to stay at home and raise the kids and be a good homemaker.

I don't think the playing field is even in that respect.

[Gardeaux08]

7. Let me play

Devil's Advocate with this one. I think you are absolutely right that a woman would have more luck marketing herself as a homemaker to a potential mate than a man would. What does it say about how progressive our society is?

I keep saying it and saying it...all we are expected to do as good Americans is breed, obey, consume, and fear.

[bleedingheart]

8. Women make up more than 50% of the population and yet

we don't even hold half the offices in the Congress...seems that the playing field isn't all that even from my vantage point...however...back to topic.

Most people I know work because they have to work to live. They work to put money away for college, to pay for healthcare and to squirrel something away for that long sought after retirement.

The people I know that have stayed at home (both men and women) have done so because it did not make sense financially for them to work and pay for daycare. Generally speaking anyone with more than two kids or anyone whose job didn't pay much more than daycare for one.

I think as time goes by this particular playing field may "even up" but then again social changes are slow to happen...but as Gandhi said.."Be the change you want to see in the world"...and from my perspective I will continue to be supportive of people's choices.

[Gardeaux08]

5. I agree!

I think a stay-at-home dad wouldn't be a bad thing. However, most of the women I know who stay at home were earning half of the salary their husbands do.

I, myself, have have no children and no husband. I remember Katherine Hepburn saying something about women can't have a career and a family and be effective at both. I'm sure I'm going to be put through the grinder for making that comment here. But I truly do believe that a child should have one parent or another at home for some amount of time. Maybe what the bigger issue is that too many people have too little choices in regard to having a family.

[Nikia]

6. I think that many people my age grew up with different attitudes

I am a 26 year old woman who is married. My parents divorced before I went to kindergarten. I lived with my mother until high school. My mother was more successful career wise when I was growing up. My father worked in maunfacturing for his career and went through a series of lay offs. Both my grandmother's always worked at least part time until they didn't have to support children anymore. It never occurred to me that I would reply on a man to take care of me even if I were married. I married a fellow college student. His income or income potential was never a consideration for me. I might feel differently when I have children, but I can't imagine staying home all day, everyday to watch my children and keep my house. Right now, my husband is unemployed. Before he was unemployed, I still made more money than he did. The only thing I hold against him is that he does very little around the house while I am at work. With many children growing up with single mothers and almost all with working mothers, I think few little girls expect the stay at home mother lifestyle.