Today's Sermon: 'Effectively Twisting Christ's Words'

[mopaul]

brothers and sisters, today we speak of Christ's words, and how to re-arrange them to fit our new nazi overlord's agenda. this process began in 1980 when the beloved st. ronald 'took' office. take the words of Jesus, the beatitudes, sermon on the mount, etc., and make them more palatable to that certain believer who's not too bright.

many times a precious child has approached me and asked sincerely, 'reverend mo, god told us thou shalt not kill, but my mommy says we've killed 100,000 people in iraq, why is no one obeying god's rules?' or, 'reverend mo, Jesus says blessed are the peacemakers, but we are at war with two nations'. and i always have a handy lie to tell the little ones, because they don't understand exactly how the real world works.

i tell them, 'yes, war is a bad thing and so is killing, but there are evil people in the world who do not believe like we do and they must be made to go away forever', or, 'jesus said to love thy neighbor as you would yourself, but, his neighbor's weren't crazy muslims who hated him for no good reason'.

jesus loves the little children, but not muslim children because they worship an evil and false god. when muslim children are blown up with state of the art weaponry, they don't go to heaven like us, they go the bad place with the devil. i know it looks bad, but all those muslim kids have to die so that nice christian kids like you can live in freedom and visit disneyworld.

y'see suzie, those cute little muslim kids grow up to be terrorists who hate us for our freedoms. they wear funny hats, and have machine guns and they pray with their butts in the air. they are not like us and they never will be so we must kill them all, every last one, to make the world safer for little christian kids like you.

and jesus has told us to conquer their land and take all their resources, especially oil, to power our church buses and hummers and mini vans so you can drive to sunday school.

when jesus said 'blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth', he was just sort of kidding. what he really meant was all the muslims have to go, so that we, the meek christians can have it all to ourselves. and when jesus said 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you', he was just trying to make a point about how we need to do unto others pre-emptively to avoid them doing unto us, do you see?

so parents, when you lie to your kids about the words of jesus, or the ten commandments, or the beatitudes, be gentle and keep it simple. remember how you really believed in santa claus, and how your parents told you that he could fly and make you happy? and remember how bad you felt when you found out it was a big fat lie your parents told you? well it's the same with jesus, just twist those words around just enough to fool the little ones.

those little lies are very useful and helpful when dealing with children, cause they are so easy to fool.

[Francesca]

1. Sick but I enjoyed that

Particularly love this part...

"when jesus said 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you', he was just trying to make a point about how we need to do unto others pre-emptively to avoid them doing unto us, do you see?"

[Maccagirl]

2. Preach it brother!

I'm dancing in the aisle.

[mopaul]

3. CANIGITAWITNESSS?!?

[quaoar]

4. But Rev. Mo,

Jesus said that which you do unto the least of my brothers you do unto me. Doesn't that mean we should help those less fortunate than us? What about old people who have to eat dog food? What about people who have to live in their cars?

My daddy said "Fuck those deadbeats." But my teacher said "It's not their fault."

I'm so confused.

[mopaul]

5. the poor don't have much, but they do have holy righteousness

which should be enough. the lord shall provide. it is enough that they are wealthy in the spirit, dog food will keep you alive.

[quaoar]

6. Maybe President Bush

could give the poor some more of that cheese Reagan gave them. I heard it was very tasty and quite spreadable. The poor were very lucky that Reagan was kind enough to give them cheese. And it wasn't even Christmas.

[xchrom]

7. lol

stop that! -- it's sunday and i have to go to church!

[mopaul]

10. tell the reverend howdy

my dad told me last week the preacher in his church told the congregation to vote for bush. my democrat dad was upset enough to chastise the reverend for mixing church and state, and even told him it was against the law constitutionally. the reverend kindly brushed him off and ignored it. i hope your church isn't like that.

[KitSileya]

12. Actually, they are the lucky ones, sister!

Being poor means that they are that much closer to Jeebus! How can we take that saving grace away from them?

[mopaul]

13. it's easier to shove a camel through the eye of a needle than...

....for dick cheney to get into heaven

[Catfight]

23. Those are myths, those people less fortunate don't exist. Old

people don't eat dog food, their just fine. Besides, maybe Amerika will finally lose some pounds in the next four years, we've been sort of fat and bloated for awhile anyway. We could skip a few meals here and there.

[displacedtexan]

8. Mo Paul!

Check out Today's Sermon on my blog:

The First Church of
Jesus Christ, Elvis



http://ascrivenerslament.blogspot.com/

[mopaul]

9. celebrate....a good one

twisting the words again

[zeemike]

11. It is such a shame that so many are confused

But that confusion comes from the fact that versions of the Bible like the King James version were literal transitions.
You can't just translate it literally, you must translate it to represent what he really meant and we all know what he really meant.
For instance in the KJV Jesus is quoted as saying "resist not evil"
Now we all know he did not mean it that way so th proper translation should be "resist not an evil man but resist his sinfully ways" If you take it in the literal way you would not be able to kill the non believing Muslims when we all know that they are sinful by not believing.
So let us embark on a new project to rewrite the bible in the way it was supposed to be. We could call it the PRV (Pat Robertson version) or JFV (Jerry Falwell version)
then we will not have to go to all the trouble explaining it to those pesky kids that are always thinking for themselves.

[RevCheesehead]

14. Thanks, mo - I'm off to preach in a few minutes...

We're doing "All Saints'" today, and the Gospel lesson is the Beatitudes in LUKE! (For those who don't know, Luke's gospel is a listing of blessings and WOES..."blessed are you when../but WOE to you when..." - see Luke:20-31.

One of my worship resources encapsulates the gospel for today as saying "In his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches that the realm of God is for those who are the disenfranchised people of earth."

Indeed.

[mopaul]

15. the disenfranchised people of earth......that's profound.......n/t

[Hubert Flottz]

20. that's profound

It is and I have been thinking about that more and more letely!

The people who bow down to the beast are the ones who will get the shaft in the end!

[ElsewheresDaughter]

16. the Fundie Faux Christians who believe that they will (either after

death or at Jesus' return) fly with the Savior to heaven and then laugh at those "left behind." I find it incomprehensible and reprehensible that those Evangelicals that call themselves devout consider themselves better than others or exempt from God's judgement. This kind of religion is FALSE because it separates them from other human beings. I will have NOTHING to do with it! Jesus entered right into the human condition in all its ugliness. He UNITED with people. He did NOT separate himself from them. Nothing is more dangerous to the advancement of God's kingdom than religion. But this is what Christianity has become. Do they not know that it is possible to kill Christ with such Christianity!!! They can kill Christ with the Bible!!! Which is more important - Christianity or Christ??? They can kill Christ with their prayers! When they approach God with prayers full of self-love and self-satisfaction, when the aim of their prayer is to make their world(America) great, their prayers are in vain!


Jesus will NOT allow himself to become petrified in religion! That is why He told the story of the 10 virgins, some of whom were wise and others not. With this story, he says, "There are some who make a religion out of me, a cozy haven, a state of bliss. It is the others who will be the living Christians, always open to change, always seeking something new, until the entire world stands there renewed.

These Fundie Faux Christians crucify Jesus everyday over and over again!

They are a stumbling block to the world!

AS A MATTER OF FACT - their religion is a HINDERENCE not only to the world but to the history of humanity!

[mopaul]

18. it is better to make a plastic figurine of jesus & sell it for a profit...

...than it is to worship the actual words and lessons and true meaning of them.

it is better to make a major hollywood blockbuster about jesus with lots of blood and agony and fake torture and utterly leave out the message of christ.

thou shalt not worship any graven image, or any god before me.

[RevCheesehead]

24. Update on this morning's sermon:

I posted this in the Wisconsin forum, and thought I might share it here with y'all:

Preached on the Beatitudes of Luke (Blessed are you.../but WOE to you..). Threw in a bit of historical perspective - of Christians who fought the good fight for their faith, who fought for what they knew was the Truth (God's truth). One kid, bless his heart - in the children's sermon, I asked "Do you know anyone who has died?" and out of the blue, this kid says "Martin Luther King, Jr." I said: "Exactly right. And he didn't just die, did he?" "No, he was killed" "He was killed because he was proclaiming a Truth that some people did not want to hear."

Then later in the sermon, I told the congregation to BE WARY of two words being used a lot: 1) MANDATE - 50% does not make a mandate, no matter what anyone says. 2) MORALITY - are they speaking for themselves or for God? God is clearly on the side of the poor, the meek, the lowly, the lost...

AND: In this passage, Jesus clearly shows us that up is down, black is white...it is the RICH who are lost, it is the POWERFUL who are not aligned in God's Kingdom, and so on...

(I threw in references to the Crusades, the Reformation, and a small group of Clergy in Germany who stood up against their government...all the good stuff for making people really THINK!)

I must give credit to DU for helping me to formulate this morning's sermon. JUSTICE is a major part of MORALITY - you can't have one without the other!!!

[ithacan]

17. thanks Rev. Mo! But a question...

what about the Christians in Iraq? Some of them are getting killed too. Is that okay with Jeebus?

[mopaul]

19. i don't like complicated nuanced questions o.k?

let's try to keep it simple

[ithacan]

21. oops sorry about that

can I still get into heavan?

By the way, this saved the day for me, mo, brightening an otherwise theocratically-darkened day.

[Catfight]

22. That was good stuff...you mean santa claus isn't real? n/t